Just as a side note, the title is intentional. I had originally written OOC which would be the clearer choice, but I liked the ring of 'OC Everybody' better. Then I thought about it and how there's obviously NarPh, but also the fact that no one is really themselves at all. More like horrible own characters. And, to follow the lovely grammar and word usage my characters tend to use, I figured I might as well go with that to add to the parody-ness. I'm only writing this note because a friend of mine commented on it, and it got me worried.

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 3: Draco and His Mummy

The super-dee-duper HP gang was chillaxin like you would not even believe when suddenly Harry saw Draco walk by…WITHOUT HIS MOTHER!

"ROB!" Harry cried.

"RON!" Ron corrected furiously.

"Right, whatever. This isn't the time to be worrying about something as useless as your name when Malfoy is walking by!"

"Who cares?" Ron shrugged.

"Without his mother."

"What the—?"

"You're kidding!"

Ron and Hermione looked flabbergasted.

"I'm dead serious. Not Sirius…serious…"

"We know!" They cried.

"Harry," Hermione said quickly, "This is big, really big, we have to find Dumbledore and--"

"Dumbledore nothing, we have to use my handy dandy…"

"Invisibility cloak!" A bunch of random first years shouted.

"Right," Harry gave them a big, cheesy grin.

"Harry, don't, this is crazy…Malfoy isn't going to be up to anything, and you know it. You're always wrong, Harry. Haven't you realized that, yet?" Hermione said, trying her hardest to stop Harry from being foolish.

"But Hermione, what if this is the one time in the history of forever that I'm pretty much right for an entire year. The year of the antelope."

"Antelope?"

"Well, yeah, you know they always run free. They're always right. Freedom is right. Freedom is the only way. Antelope, yeah."

Hermione just sighed and got under the invisibility cloak so she could be near Ron.

They followed Malfoy for a long second, when suddenly he made a sharp turn into a store.

They crept quietly after him.

"Ooh!" Ron squealed. "We can use the Extendible Ears that I've been saving for no apparent reason!"

"Ron…we can just go in the door. He left it open."

"Oh." Ron said disappointedly.

They slipped in completely noticed by everyone except Draco, and they stood behind him while he began talking to the man behind the counter.

"I'll need five magic transportation keys that can make anybody transport to the desired location even if there are spells prohibiting it. Spells like, say, the ones at Hogwarts."

"Here you go." The man handed Draco exactly what he'd asked for, and Draco left the store.

"I wonder what he's buying." Ron muttered.

"Ron, he wasn't hiding anything. That's what he was buying." Hermione told him with exasperation.

"Oh."

"But what's he going to do with them?" Ron tried again.

"Maybe he's going to give them to homeless people?" Harry guessed.

"Maybe."

"What could he possibly be trying to transport into Hogwarts?" Hermione asked herself since Ron and Harry had begun arguing over whether Malfoy was going to give them to homeless people or his favorite color was green.

They stopped arguing long enough for Ron to turn to Hermione and say, "That's a good question Hermione. Maybe he wants to transport his dad from Azkaban?"

"Ron…" Hermione said wearily and just looked at Ron. "That's completely retarded and you know it."

"KRUM KISSER!" Ron shrieked and ran for the hills.

XxXx

Draco couldn't seem to catch a break.

He had been peacefully trying to buy some new robes at his favorite robe shop, when that damn Granger and Weasley had come in and ruined his pleasant afternoon. A pleasant afternoon that was supposed to be spent with his mum. He didn't so much mind Harry, who had gotten incredibly sexy over the past…time.

Those eyes…

No! Draco yelled at himself. I can't be having suppressed sexual feelings for Potter. I'm evil…but I'm not evil…sob…Won't somebody see me for who I really am?

Then Draco realized he was being absurdly lame, and he stopped before it got out of control like the last time.

"I'll realize who you are." Said a quiet voice that sounded like honey mixed with strawberry ice-cream.

Draco turned and saw the most beautiful girl ever, standing slightly behind a tree that he hadn't noticed before. He frowned, hating her already. "Who are you?"

"NarPh!" She said, stepping out from behind the tree. She walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders.

"That's great, really, but could you leave now?" He pushed her hands off, only to have her put them back on a different part of his body. "Nghghh!" Draco said disgustedly. "Go away!"

"But…but...Draco I--!"

"Now."

"Fare-thee-well." She sobbed and left.

"I hate my life." Draco smiled just so he could frown again. He didn't want to go on this stupid mission for Lord Voldemort, who was starting to act more and more like a mentally disabled watermelon everyday. Plus, he seemed to be hitting on Draco's mother a bit too much for Draco's liking. He was used to his mother being hit on at least a five times a day by everyone, but this was going too far. Voldemort was at least up to six. At least.

It was hard being a sexy Malfoy.

Draco strongly suspected that Voldemort was using this extremely stupid, yet dangerous mission to off Draco, so he would be one step closer to having Narcissa.

Draco recalled the day Voldemort had given him the mission.

"This is your mission. Do you accept it?"

"No."

"Splendid. It is time you leave. If you should fail then do not bother ever eating cheese again. We will find you, kill you, and I will make passionate moo-moo with your mummsy. I never had a mother and you shouldn't either. Are we clear?"

"I hope Harry Potter kills you."

"Yes, yes, don't we all?" Voldemort waved a hand at Draco, and went back to dressing up Nagini in a bikini.

Draco glowered at nothing in particular, realizing that he only had himself to trust.

XxXx

It was the night before they were returning to Hogwarts, and Harry couldn't sleep. He knew Draco was up to something, but what? Hermione and Ron thought he was being paranoid again, but he just couldn't stop thinking about Draco.

I'm not obsessed, Harry pouted, just strongly intrigued and suspicious and…aroused?

Ginny! Ginny! Ginny!

"You rang?" Ginny asked, sliding out from under the bed.

"Er, no."

"Well, good because Seamus wouldn't like it."

"Don't you mean Dean?"

"Yes. Him too." She said, and crept into the shadows.

Harry fell into a fitful sleep that was filled with fits.

The next morning the 'three pusskateers' were pleased when letters landed in all of their cereal.

"Mmm!" Ron cried, "I love letter cereal! Mum, you've really outdone yourself this time!"

"No, Ron! Don't eat that!" Hermione shrieked and grabbed Ron's letter out of his cereal.

After Hermione opened her letter complete chaos ensued; Hermione started hyperventilating when she saw she hadn't gotten a gold wizard sticker next to every one of her classes, Ron started hitting her on the back, assuming she was choking—which, even if she had actually been choking, wouldn't have saved her since he was basically just slapping her back—Harry thought about Draco, and no one but Ginny even bothered to inform Mrs. Weasley about what was going on.

Sadly, that still didn't get her any attention, and Mrs. Weasley continued frying beans. Despite the fact that they could now afford mushrooms, Mrs. Weasley thought it best to save as much money as possible just in case they wanted to take a trip to the nearby meatpacking plant that they were all so fond of.

After things had calmed down for Ron, Harry, and Hermione, Hermione turned to Harry and gave him an odd look. "Harry, why aren't you looking at your results? Aren't you the least bit interested in what you've gotten on your O.W.Ls?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "Honestly, Hermione, haven't you learned anything? I'm Harry Potter."

"So?"

"So, I'm Harry bloody Potter, of course I got into every class I wanted. What? You think I failed everything. Plfhhgyou never cease to not amuse and confuse me, Hermione. And even though I bet I didn't get the required score to be in Snape's potions class, Snape's probably going to end up not teaching that class so it won't matter. I'm the luckiest unlucky boy ever."

"Whatever you say, Harry." Hermione nodded, finding it easier than the alternative. Besides, the fried beans were ready, and her parents, who were teeth enthusiasts, would never allow her to eat them in their presence. What that had to do with teeth, she was never sure, but nevertheless this was a rare opportunity.

"The beans…are served." Mrs. Weasley said graciously, hiding most of them behind her back in case there was a shortage of beans when the war was at its worst. What was the world coming to when you couldn't buy decent beans?

XxXx

"But Muuuum!" Draco whined, "I don't want to go to school this year! Harry Potter's going to be there, and I might not be the hottest thing since breaded chicken anymore!"

"Draaco," Narcissa warned, trying to be more firm with Draco. She'd read in her A Sexy Witch-Mother's Guide to a Mama's Boy, that keeping Draco by her side for a whole entire year, rather then send him to school, would be the worst thing for both of them.

But those tears!

And the mission!

"Draco, you mustn't do this to Mummy. You'll be home for Christmas, love! And of course you're the sexiest thing to walk into that school. Why…you're the sexiest thing to walk through those Hogwarts doors since, well, me!"

Draco's eyes widened, "You really think so?"

"I know so, darling. Now let's get ready to go; we don't want to oversleep and miss your train tomorrow, now do we?"

Draco muttered something under his breath.

"Draaacooo,"

"No, we don't." He gave in. "Mum?"

"Yes?"

"Can you sing me my favorite song?"

"Of course, Dracospoo." Narcissa remembered all too clearly when Draco was fifteen and she used to sing him that song every night before he went to bed.

Spaghetti Spaghetti

All covered in cheese

Mushroom Mushroom! Here comes the train

Olives, yogurt, pasta please!

Ravioli Ravioli

Portobello mushroom!

Ravioli Ravioli

I love Draco

And Flowers are pretty!

Draco, who had been laughing and clapping as Narcissa sang, now sat back in his bed and smiled contently.

"Just one more thing, Mum? Can you kiss me and Brittney goodnight?"

"Of course!" Narcissa smiled serenely and gave Draco and his imaginary friend Brittney their respective kisses.

TBC