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Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 4: Muggle Born Marty
After much sobbing, Draco pulled away from his mother and looked at her tearfully. "Bye, Mum I—I love you. Don't die while I'm gone, please. OK?"
"I won't, Dracsey. Now don't forget what you have to do. It's so important. And it's amazing that…Sheila…is trusting you with this. If you succeed—which I know you will—then your life will be all rainbows and Purebloods forever." Sheila was Voldemort's codename. You never could be too careful when Harry Potter and his friends were standing two feet away from you.
Two feet away from them:
"Form a line children!" Mrs. Weasley told everyone, and she then proceeded to kiss every single one of the hundred kids. Seventy of which weren't actually hers.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny managed to drag themselves away from Mrs. Weasley, when, suddenly, she shouted after them, "RONALD! Don't forget to put the cream on your wee-wee. If it burns when you pee owl Mummy and she'll be sure to owl the doctor!"
"Muuum!" Ron wailed, and Harry and Hermione laughed their heads off.
XxXx
Draco was just minding his own business, having a lovely, private chat with his friend Brittney, "No Brittney, you have better hair. Nuh-uh. Shut up! No, Brit-Brit!" when that stupid girl from Diagon Alley burst into his compartment.
"Gandalf!" Draco cried, "What do you want?"
"You!" NarPh shrieked.
"Besides that," Draco growled, seeing that people were behind the pesky girl, so he'd have to put up his cool, ice-king exterior. The one he only let down for Brittney.
Draco's fellow Slytherins gave NarPh withering and strange looks and began to sit down around Draco.
"I want to be your girlfriend, Draco! We'd be so perfect together! Unless of course you're really in love with that mudblood Hermione! Gosh, I hate mudbloods. I wonder if she's a mudblood. I shall continue to befriend her anyway. Now DATE me!"
"Sorry, I'm taken." Draco lied and turned to Pansy. "Quick! Pansy, pretend to be my girlfriend."
Pansy, who had been waiting for this moment her whole entire life since she was eleven, grinned madly and saw that this was her chance to show off her new, sexy talk.
"Hiss…psss…hisss…psaaa"
"What the fuck? Pansy, are you ill?" Draco asked as Pansy continued to hiss and pet Draco's hair—in a way that was very much like the way a five year old pets a dog. PET! PET!
"I learned how to speak Parsley Tongue over break," Pansy smirked at everyone around her, even though they were all looking at the mysterious sleeping man that was in there with them.
A man that bore a strange resemblance to…Snape!
"Parsel Tongue? Pansy, that's not Parsel Tongue, you're just--"
"Shhhh hiss flamingo hiss," Pansy cut Draco off and began petting his head even harder.
XxXx
"Look, if I turn my head sideways I can see the world at a different angle." Luna said mysteriously. "Isn't that odd? You try it, and I'll see if it affects my perspective of things."
"Umm…Sure." Harry said, hating his life more and more by the second. For one thing Ron and Hermione were off gallivanting with the other Prefects, so he was feeling very vulnerable. What was even worse than that was that NarPh had run in seconds before, sobbing about drapes or something.
Before Harry could turn his head sideways—even just a tad—a girl with two heads, two feet, and multiple schoolhouses--obviously not large multiple schoolhouses--not to be confused with multiple sclerosis--but miniature ones--attached to her heads, burst into their compartment.
She opened her mouth to say something to Harry, but spotted NarPh. "Oh, everyone's talking about you, New Girl. They say you were having a chat with Draco Malfoy. We all expect you to be in Slytherin then, but don't expect us to be right. We never are."
"What if I manage to be in Gryffindor and snag Draco Malfoy and flirt with Harry Potter and cause tons of hilarity and chaos to ensue?"
"Touche'" The two headed girl's right head said. Her left head focused on Harry. "Hello, Harry. I wanted to know if you'd like to be saved from these losers and come sit with a two-headed, freakalick-chicana like me. Well, how 'bout it? I give two-head, haha, get it? I thought so."
The girl let out a terrified scream as a bird began molesting her face…s.
"Trevor!" Neville cried, "Stop doing that you crazy froggy-woggy-doodle-day!"
"Er, Neville," Harry said cautiously, not sure if it was wise to point this out, "That's a bird."
Neville blinked. "No it's not."
"Yeah, it really is, Neville." Harry said, not liking it when anyone corrected him. He was Harry freakin' Potter for Gandalf's sake. "Where's the real Trevor anyway?"
Neville looked indignant. "Well, Gram says that he went back to the pet store to teach the other frogs how to hop."
Harry raised an eyebrow, "What pet store would this be, Neville?"
"The same one where Fregshime, the goldfish, had to go back to so he could teach the other fish how to swim."
"Harry, I think it would be best if you let Neville believe his pet wasn't dead. It would be kind. I don't have many friends." Luna said dreamily, making Harry very uncomfortable. Luna had that way with him.
"The sky is blue." Luna said, looking deep into Harry's soul. He squirmed. Luna spoke these weird truths that always seemed to cut Harry deep. Where it hurt. In his pelvis.
Suddenly Harry's Dradar went off. He quickly hit the button located directly beneath his bellybutton and went into Draco-stopping, butt-crunching action.
"I have to…powder my nose." Harry said, "Excuse me."
Harry slipped on his invisibility cloak just as the incredibly annoying, somewhat Mary-Sue like, Cho Chang was heading towards him, trying her best to avoid him, but completely unable to actually do so.
"Where'd he disappear to now?" She wondered, completely oblivious to the pair of shoes that appeared to be walking without being connected to a pair of legs, or body, save for some wild, untamable, hair that was floating above them.
"CEDRIC! Why? Why?" Cho wailed, ripping her clothes and pouring ashes on her head.
"Cho, it's time for your footbath." One of Cho's Ravenclaw friends said, tapping her on the back.
"Oooh foot bath! Can we put bubbles in? I like bubbles!"
"I like men with toupees."
"Me too!" Cho squealed. "We should totally try to snag some this year."
XxXx
Harry was having trouble powdering his nose while under the invisibility cloak, "Grrr nggg ugg!" Harry grunted with frustration.
"Who's there!" Blaise Zabini cried from inside one of the bathroom stalls.
"Umm, it's just me, Pansy." Harry shrilled, raising his voice a few octaves.
"Oh, Pansy, hi. Why are you in the boy's loo? And why does your voice sound so high?"
"Ooh, well, I just thought it might be nice for a change. And I could make sure you weren't shagging Draco?"
There was a pregnant pause in which five more Weasley children were born. "No."
"What kind of no is that?"
"One that means I should…run like hell!" Blaise burst out of the bathroom stall and ran out of the room so fast he didn't even notice that Pansy wasn't in there.
"Now's our chance!" Harry cried to his imaginary friend Brittney. What Harry didn't know what that Brittney was keeping a secret from him that would change his life forever. Yes, what Harry didn't know was his imaginary friend Brittney, and Draco's imaginary friend Brittney, were one and the same.
Harry followed Blaise back into the Slytherin compartment, but the door closed a little too quickly and some of Harry's lovely locks got stuck in the door. Harry couldn't help it, sounds of pain seeped out of his mouth like acid rain.
"Brittney?" Draco blurted out, hoping against all hopes that it was Brittney, whom he had lost track of when everyone else had walked in. It was really tough trying to keep track of a person who was invisible and, quite possibly, not real.
"…Spork? You know, Brittney Spork the queen of…Hey, I got a tattoo this summer!" Draco said when his posse turned and looked at him strangely.
"Tattoo!" They all whispered excitedly, and he quickly showed them the Light-Blue mark that Voldemort had made special for him since he didn't want to waste any of his Limited Addition Regular Dark Marks on Draco.
"Not that I expect you to die," Voldemort had told him, "just that I'm hoping you will."
"That's all the evidence I need!" Harry shouted.
"Potter!" Draco also shouted, not wanting to be outdone by Potter, "Where are you?"
"Noooowhere." Harry said, trying to sound calm, cool, and collected, but failing miserably.
Draco ordered everyone out of the compartment, ignoring their groans.
"Where are we gonna do the big disco now?" Blaise said sadly, looking longingly at Draco.
"Stop looking at my man!" Pansy barked like a god and danced like a chicken. "We'll find a new place to get our groove on, and we'll save the old pizza joint at Hogsmede, and the old abandoned warehouse too!"
Finally everyone, including the mysterious man who had been sleeping and looked like Snape, left, and Draco set about to finding Harry.
"Marco!"
"Polo!"
"Marco!"
"Polo!"
"Got you, Potter." Draco said.
"Ew Malfoy, don't touch there!" Harry cried, but couldn't help but let out a giggle. What? It tickled.
Draco pulled off the invisibility cloak. "Having fun following me, Potter? Well, fear not, I didn't reveal anything that I wouldn't have revealed to your everyday Chimpanzee."
"Oh really?"
"Yes really."
Suddenly, the air was filled with random sexual tension.
"What are you going to do now, Malfoy? Huh? Stupefy me, punch my nose, and leave me here bleeding and invisible?"
"I could, but I won't. Not when I could do this!" Malfoy straddled Harry and began bitch slapping his face.
"Eee! Ow! Eee!"
Draco finally stopped, and he and Harry locked eyes.
"What are you going to do now, Malfoy? Rape me so we prove our undying hate, yet extreme sexual attraction, to each other?"
"No, I'm going to do this!" Malfoy said and put his tongue in Harry's ear.
"Holy crap, you're good at that!"
"You have clean ears, Potter." Malfoy said.
"Uh-oh." Harry said.
"What?"
"I think we're almost at Hogwarts."
"Well, we better change then. Get out, so you don't see me Nakey."
"Let's never speak of this again." Harry said, getting up.
"Right." Draco sneered, knowing full well this wasn't the last of their strange, homoerotic, dirty exploits. Not if he could not not help it.
XxXx
"So, Harry? How was your train ride?" Hermione asked cheerfully as they headed into the Great Hall.
"Umm it was completely, 100 normal." Harry lied. "Nothing out of the ordinary happened like me making out with Draco." Which was actually true.
"That's nice. Wouldn't want something like that to happen, now would we?"
Harry shifted and glanced around nervously. "Hey look, it's Gilderoy Lockheart!"
"WHERE? Let me at him?" Hermione became manic.
Harry breathed a sigh of relief then looked at Ron questioningly.
"What? I don't care as long as it's not Krum." Ron said, and then smacked his head into the top of the door frame.
They settled down at the Gryffindor table, and were about to pick up their silverware, when they realized it wasn't silver at all.
It was plastic.
And instead of spoons and forks there were only sporks to be found.
"Where have all the good forks gone?" Ron sobbed.
"Students, I have many announcements that I must make. This year as you have noticed we have done quite a switcheroony. The students will be sorted into houses after we eat since I have to give these announcements now. " Dumbledore stood from his place at the table and gestured to the cluster of first years and NarPh that were huddled in the corner, looking hungrily at the food. Most of them looked like street rats. "Announcements that I must make now so that I do not forget them within the next hour. I blame this recent bad memory on Voldemort, similar to the brown spots on my once lovely hands," He showed his hands, "but, no matter, I will just get to it now.
"First of all, it is no secret of mine—like the one that there is a prophecy about Harry, and how he is the chosen one, and it was Madam Trelawney who spoke the prophecy— that every year we need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This year Snape will be taking over the job. This is the ultimate act of trust on my part, so treat him nicely, no fart spells. I don't want to name any names, RON WEASELY."
"BLARG!"
"That is what crossed my mind. Yes. And since Snape is leaving his not-so-cherished post as Potions master, we will be needing a new teacher. I'd like to introduce you to Professor Sneverous Snape."
Audible gasps were heard throughout the hall by all who chose to hear the audibleness.
Harry was outraged. How dare Snape teach his favorite class ever? But wait! This just proved to Hermione that he was right.
"Boy, that Sneverous sure looks a lot like Snape," Ron mused.
"Ron, that's Snape's brother. It was in Hogwarts A History."
Since Ron had never read the book, he could not point out that this was, in fact, a lie. Hermione liked to use that to her advantage. Like that time she told Ron that you had to run down the halls of Hogwarts wearing nothing but a coconut-bra every full moon.
"Well, that would explain why he looks a lot like Snape and has the same last name, wouldn't it?" Ron nodded.
"Yes. It would."
"So, Harry, this years gonna suck DADA wise, huh? I mean, with Snape teaching it and all. Maybe we can find a way to give him some sexually transmitted disease?"
"DADA?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I just thought DADA sounded cooler."
"Well, it doesn't."
"Oh, fine then. It's OK to call Professor Snape just Snape, but it's not OK to call Defense Against the Dark Arts DADA. I see how it is." Ron huffed and looked down at his food. When Ron saw the food in front of him he became confused. He tried to get Hermione's attention, but Harry had already gotten to her first.
Damnit, Potter, one day! Ron shook his fist at Harry.
"See Hermione," Harry smirked, "didn't I tell you I'd be able to get into the Potions class I wanted?"
Hermione sighed and pretended to be deeply involved in her…hamburger!"
"What is that?" Ron said, poking at Hermione's hamburger with his not-fork-spork.
"Its…it's a hamburger!" Hermione said incredulously. "Why would a hamburger be here at Hogwarts? It doesn't make any sense. And why is there a wizard on it?"
"Oooh maybe we could sell it on the Magic Market for thousands of galleons!" Ron rubbed his hands together, imagining being able to afford a new bedspread for his bed at Hogwarts.
"That brings me to my next point of not-so-interest." Dumbledore continued while scratching absently at his crotch, "I have come to the conclusion that not enough of you students here at Hogwarts are aware of Hogwarts. That is why we are opening McHogwarts. To provide you with toys and fattening foods that will give you energy to be aware of your school. We'll also be handing out FREE RIBBONS for your broomsticks to raise Hogwarts Awareness.
"Now I'd like to direct your attention to the student by my side that's been standing here for quite awhile now. This is Marty. He's part of our Muggle Studies Exchange Program! We'll be sending a few of our students, who we never bother to mention, to Muggle Schools. We feel it will be in their best interest to learn about Muggle things that will never be of use to them unless they go into hiding from Voldemort." Marty smiled and waved at the Great Hall. Everyone, including Malfoy and his posse, loved him.
"Hey there, Muggle Born Marty!" Everyone shouted.
Marty blushed, and went to sit down at his own special table. It was shaped like a mushroom and was next to where the House Elves were starting construction for McHogwarts.
"And finally, I'd like to bring up our beloved quidditch. This year, I've decided, that we're going to spice up quidditch a bit. This year's captains will be naming the teams. And there will be mascots! One for each house and Hogwarts itself. The Hogwarts mascot this year is a surprise. Oooh I can't wait to see your faces!" Dumbledore squealed. "Well that is all. Good luck this year everyone!"
Harry smiled and clapped along with everyone else. The meal would have been normal except for the fact that Draco kept waggling his tongue at Harry throughout the meal.
Damn sexy Malfoy.
TBC