Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 5: Slytherin or Gryffindor?

"I can't wait to see what house NarPh is getting in to." The girl with multiple heads and schoolhouses attached to them, said eagerly. Well, at least her left head did.

"I sure hope I win this bet that I just made with my left head in our one brain." The right head said.

At the Gryffindor table, people were not quite as excited.

"Oh please please please don't let NarPh be with us." Harry, Ron, and Hermione—and everyone else, even the one's who hadn't met her yet—prayed.

The same things could be heard at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy could be found praying into his Wizard-Nuggets, Pansy Parkinson was ready to squirt ever-changing-colored ketchup at NarPh if she were to come any closer to Draco, and Blaise Zabini was ready to toss some Big Warts at NarPh's face for the same reason Pansy was poised with the ketchup. Blaise and Pansy glared at each other, for now in alliance, but ready to become enemies once again. Forever rivals for Draco's heart.

Unbeknownst to them, whenever he got the chance, Draco was waggling his tongue at Harry Potter, who was still praying for NarPh to be in Hufflepuff since no one ever talked about that house now that Cedric was dead. Poor Hufflepuff, it had never done anything wrong to anyone.

The first years were sorted into houses, but no one was paying attention to them. They were waiting for NarPh. As she approached the hat, everyone held their breath. She sat down, and three hours later the sorting hat finally decided, "Gryffindor!"

"WTFOMG!" The girl with multiple schoolhouses attached to her heads shouted. "I was totally wrong even though I knew I would be! Now let me disappear and not be mentioned for awhile."

"Damn it!" Harry shouted and banged his fist against the table at the same time that Malfoy began doing a very sexy dance on the Slytherin table. "Why do we always get the stupid new girls?" A bunch of Mary-Sue's waved from the other end of the table.

"That's not true, Harry. Sometimes Slytherin gets them. Just look over there at Voldemort's five daughters and three granddaughters, and Snape's daughter and his niece, and Sirius's daughter who actually came out of Remus' artificial womb…they're all in Slytherin." The group of Slytherin-Sue's waved at them.

Harry sighed, "Yeah, I guess we've both got our problems. Maybe we're really the same on the inside? Maybe we can all get along and be BFFs!"

"No, Harry, no." Hermione shook her head.

"God I hate her," Harry glared at NarPh as she skipped over to the Gryffindor table."

"I know."

"Me too."

Ron and Hermione said, also glaring at her.

"Hiya guys!" NarPh said cheerfully.

"Hey NarPh!" Harry cried as she got to their table.

"What's up?"

"How you doin'?"

They all grinned.

"I'm so happy to be in your house! You guys are so nice, but watch I'm going to seduce Draco Malfoy right before your eyes! And I'll continue to be friends with Hermione even though she's a Mudblood because I don't want to ruin the moments of friendship that we've built up over the past time we met."

"I feel special." Hermione said.

"You should."

"Well I do." Hermione said irritably.

"Well OK, that's great." NarPh said getting angry.

"I hope you and Draco Malfoy make ugly sexy babies and you lose control over your bowels."

For some reason all this talk of Draco and NarPh made Harry's stomach twist into knots. Could this be the start of not-hate? Lust? Love? Or the Wizard-Nuggets that Harry had just consumed?

"I hate you, Mudblood!" NarPh shouted and she and Hermione began wrestling on the table, tugging at each others hair, and getting McHog-Shakes all over them.

"Oh my god." Ron breathed. "This is better than watching Fleur and Bill make soup."

XxXx

After the incident at dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in the common room, discussing the new year and all the changes in Hogwarts.

"Well I for one am outraged by the work they were making the House Elves do at McHogwarts. All that building and I bet they never even see one pay check. You'll see, I'll hatch an extraordinarily good, yet awful, plan that will never work. And I'll rope tons of other people into doing it with me!" Hermione declared, already against this McHogwarts.

"Hermione, we've been through this," Ron said exasperatedly, "if you fry them they taste good. You don't need to pay for them."

"No, Ronald, that's hamburgers, and you don't fry them. You grill them or Gandalf knows what."

"Kr—"

"Don't even say it." Harry said, gripping Ron's shoulders.

"Nnnn…nnn…NGG! I'm going to go find someone who will think I'm smart. Or at least give me kisseys!" Ron sobbed and ran from the Common Room just as Ginny walked in.

"Hey, Ginny." Harry said, suddenly having a sexual fantasy about Ginny in Styrofoam.
"Oh, Hello Harry. I just came from snogging Dean. Jealous? Good. Have you met Malfindeg? My Shrew Skewer." And sure enough, resting on Ginny's shoulder was a skewer with a shrew on it.

"Ewww it's so cute!" Hermione said, looking nauseous.

"I know, it's so gross and snuggly!" Ginny smiled. "Do you like my dark clothes that I wear with my shrew? The dress code at Hogwarts no longer applies to me since no one cares enough about me to tell me otherwise. Sniff. Are you not sympathizing? Well don't. I don't need your pity, Potter and Granger. Watch, I'll switch over to Slytherin before you even…"

But Harry and Hermione had already left.

XxXx

"You didn't join the Slytherin Choir!" Pansy shouted, completely pissed off and shocked that Draco would do this to her. They'd been in the Slytherin Choir together since they'd gotten to Hogwarts. That's how they'd gotten to be such good friends.

"Not this year, Pansy. I just can't stand another year holding those frogs and singing bad, corny songs with no words. Mum's really going to be disappointed when she finds out, though." Draco felt his heart twist as he thought of causing his Mummy pain!

Blaise snorted from the other side of Draco, "Yeah, Pansy, he'd just rather join the Slytherin Hacky Sack team with me. You know, he's really very busy this year, what with Quidditch and all. He's helping to pick out the new name, you know."

"Actually, Blaise, I'm not joining the Hacky Sack team this year either."

"Draco!"

"Don't fight me on this one, Blaise." Draco said tiredly.

"Well what about opening the ol' lemonade stand with us?" Crabbe and Goyle said hopefully, trying to use their world famous puppy dog eyes on Draco.

"Stop that you two," Draco cringed, looking disgusted. "We haven't done that since second year. My Gandalf, it's bloody time to let go."

"Well what are you doing this year, Draco?" They all asked him, wondering just what this new mystery project was that was keeping Draco from all his usual activities.

"I can't tell you." Draco said cryptically. "But there are two things, and one has everything to do with having more random sexual moments with Harry Potter. But you'll never know that, will you?"

"What?" They all turned back from watching two extremely short first years pound the crap out of each other.

"The cheese has power, and that's all you're getting."

"Fine." They pouted.

XxXx

"Hi." Luna said, then walked away.

The uncomfortableness settled in around Harry.

"UG! I hate when she does that." Ron shuddered. "She's so loony. Hey! I'll call her Loony Lovegood."

"Ron, you already do that."

"Oh, so I do." Ron said, trying very hard to remember when he'd ever even met Luna before.

As Ron was trying to remember when Luna had come into his life, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patel walked in. As usual, they were giggling madly about something retarded, but this time their giggles seemed to be even louder.

That was when Harry, Ron, and Hermione saw who was with them.

Aw bloody hell, here comes NarPh. Harry thought, depressed. "Hey NarPhy, how are you liking school?" He asked as soon as NarPh got within two feet.

"It's good now that I've found these two. I'm going to cause some favorite ships to get together while simultaneously getting together with the best boy in school. At this point it could either be you or Draco Malfoy. We'll just have to find out, won't we?"

"Yes we won't." Harry nodded, glad to be tipped off about this plan before Malfoy was. The first step to solving a NarPh is knowing that you have one.

While NarPh and Harry were talking, Lavender was making googly eyes at Ron, who was too busy imagining Hermione and Krum getting dirty on a muddy Quidditch field to notice.

"Gandalf damn you, Hermione!" Ron shouted, and Hermione began sobbing.

"I love you, Ron!"

"I love you more!"

"I love you more more!" Hermione cried and Ron backhanded her in the face.

"Let's make up now." Hermione said ten minutes later, rubbing her face.

"Yeah, OK."

They hugged and Lavender jumped into the hug.

"Lavender?" Ron said, looking taken aback. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," She giggled and she, Parvati, and NarPh made a Congo line and danced away.

Hermione sniffed and watched them Congo away, she ran into her room, sobbing, moments later.

"I really really don't understand girls." Ron sighed.

"I better go follow her even though I'll have nothing to say as usual." Harry also sighed.

"There never is anything to say to girls when they're upset, and if there is it's about as impossible to know as the way to defeat Voldemort."

Harry shook his head, "Maybe we should just give up on girls all together."

Something in Ron's eyes changed. "What was that, Harry?" His voice was very low, but Harry could feel the underlying tones of anger.

"I was just joking…you know, giving up on girls for boys since we'd understand them better…ha."

"Never joke about something like that, Harry. Or I may have to go into a fit of Weasley Rage and beat you to a bloody pulp." After saying that, Ron stood taller, and brightened, "Well, I guess I won't be seeing you for awhile then. Night, Harry."

"Night, Ron." Harry said, feeling a bit shaken.

The two boys parted ways much to Harry's immense relief. He didn't like this new side of Ron.

TBC!