Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 6: The Truth About Ron and Hermione

"I really don't understand why you and Ron have to fight like that." Harry said wearily while Hermione did some hocus-pocus on her boo-boo to make it feel better.

"Harry, you know it's just our way."

"Yeah, but it's a really weird way. I mean, what are you going to tell the kids if you guys get married--which you probably will since I can't see it going any other way at this point."

"Not unless…we get together!" Hermione said, opening her eyes very wide.

"I dunno, I guess we could." Harry shrugged, not really caring one way or the other.

"OK, let's do it!"

They sat in silence for awhile, Hermione idly picking some lint out of her bellybutton and Harry fiddling with his wand.

"This just isn't working for me," Hermione said finally.

"Me either." Harry agreed, still not caring one way or the other.

"Harry," Hermione said, gently resting a hand on Harry's knee, "It's not you. Really. It's me. I'm just set in my old ways of being a feminist, and fighting against things like selling children on the internet for six bucks, or bad movie prequels/sequels like The Phantom Menace."

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Well, Harry, it's just that…" Hermione trailed off, trying to think of how to phrase this. She hadn't thought that she would have to practically spell it out for Harry. "Everyone knows that brilliant, feminist girls like me want a guy like Ron."

"That makes sense." Harry nodded slowly.

XxXx

The next morning Harry was woken by Ron and Hermione standing over his bed.

"Ron—Hermione? What are you doing in here? This is the boy's dorm."

Hermione shrugged, "I get special privileges since I'm a good girl. I mean, us having a threesome right here and right now since Dean is out snogging Ginny, Seamus is watching them, and Neville is pumping iron in the weight room, is absurd and not going to happen. Maybe."

"Right, anyway, why are you both staring at me?"

"We were trying to wake you up with the power of Hermione's mind." Ron explained.

"That's nice, but why?" Harry said, feeling a little annoyed.

"Well, I've been wanting to know why you weren't late getting off the train since you've given me no reason whatsoever to be suspicious."

"So then why are you suspicious?"

"For precisely that reason."

Harry sighed and began his futile quest of convincing Ron and Hermione of Draco's Death Eaterness. Draco's sexiness was something no one needed to be convinced of, so he didn't even bother with that.

"So then he touched your wee-wee?" Ron said, raising an eyebrow.

"YES!" Harry insisted. "It's all an evil plan cooked up by Voldemort; I'm sure of it.

"Sure you're sure, Harry. But I'm not so sure." Ron frowned, not looking sure.

"I just think Malfoy was telling the truth when he said he hadn't revealed anything he wouldn't have revealed to your everyday Chimpanzee." Hermione admitted.

"Fine. Be that way." Harry crossed his arms and turned away, pouting. "Now leave so I can draw my curtains and sob like a little girl."

Hermione and Ron did as they were told.

XxXx

"Stop smirking." Hermione said with annoyance, glaring at Harry as he found out he would be getting in the potions class required to become an Auror.

"You know you like it, Her-mee-o-nee."

Hermione cringed and covered her ears with Crookshanks who has ceased to be mentioned. "Don't say that name!"

"Her-mee-o-nee, Her-mee-o-nee," Harry teased, laughing and dancing in circles around Hermione.

"Don't mess with her, yo." Ron said, tapping Harry on the shoulder. "Only I can make her cry like a little bitch. And same goes for you." He said to Hermione and left.

"Why has Ron suddenly started to act this way?" Harry whispered to Hermione.

"I think it has something to do with his pee-pee problem. I told him to owl his mum, but then he just started ranting about Krum and left."

Ginny walked up to them and sighed dramatically until Harry turned and walked into her and noticed she was there.

"Ron just needs to shag someone. Or snog someone. It's driving him insane. You saw him this summer with the humping of the Fleghsgs and the leg."

"Hermione," Harry said, "Maybe you should just snog Ron. It would solve a lot of our problems."

"No!" Hermione said, looking shocked and appalled.

"But why not?" Harry asked, immensely confused.

"Because, just it's Ron! Ew!" Hermione began flailing her arms around, making a disgusted face.

"But what about what you said earlier? About him being your ideal man?"

"Well, he is, but he has cooties!"

Ginny looked from Hermione to Harry back to Hermione and then back again to Harry and then to Luna Lovegood on the other side of the room and back to Hermione. "You two were together, weren't you?"

"Yes." They admitted.

Ginny, feeling extremely jealous, grabbed Dean and began making out with him.

Seamus ran over to watch, waiting for the day when he too would be able to jump Dean's bones. And maybe Ginny's too. Out of no where, this year she became the sexiest thing since breaded cheese.

Even Blaise thought so, and everyone knew he was into Malfoys. And himself.

Harry and Hermione re-joined Ron on the other side of wherever he had gone to after he had yelled at them and left.

They were just heading up to the Common Room where they always seemed to go when they weren't putting their super-snooptation skills to the test, when Hagrid appeared out of nowhere. He must have had super-stealth-mode since it's pretty hard to not detect someone of his size showing up.

"Woah! Hagrid, you must have super-amazing-stealth-mode!" Harry cried.

"No. I just have the grace of a ballerina." Hagrid explained, and that explained everything.

"Oh." The past 16 years of Harry's life suddenly made sense.

"No, Harry. No." Hermione shook her head sadly.

Hagrid shrugged, put on a happy face, and then said, "Gwarp's doing fine y'know. I'm teaching him how to tie his shoes now. I can understand why he's having trouble; I had difficulty m'self back in the day."

"And what a long day that was." Harry said.

Hagrid just looked confused. "So, anyway, I s'pose I'll be seeing you lot tomorrow in class. Since in the Wizarding world reading people's mail is perfectly acceptable, I had all your O.W.L results intercepted, so I know you qualify fer me class. Want some of me Lucky Charms?"

"Sure!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione reached into the scoopy-part—not to be confused with the palm—of Hagrid's humumbo hand and grabbed some Lucky Charms.

"Well see you lot t'morow." Hagrid smiled and walked away with the grace of a ballerina.

"Oh no." Hermione groaned.

Harry and Ron instantly stopped munching on their Lucky Charms, leaving their mouths half open and filled with mush.

"Wha wong 'Mione?" Ron sort of managed to say, spitting food on Hermione.

"It's just…well, now Hagrid thinks we're going to be in his class tomorrow. We got distracted by the magically-delicious Lucky Charms that I can't think of a logical explanation that explains how Hagrid came into possession of them. Or an explanation as to why they taste older and staler every time I eat them."

"Why indeed," Harry said sagely.

Ron frowned, deeply upset by all this talk of Lucky Charms not being the best thing since Muggle Born Marty, "Why do you always have to find the bad in things? Huh, Hermione? When we finally work out all these incredibly pointless issues that we always seem to have, are you going to find the bad in me?"

"Ron, I've always found the bad in you. Since the first day we met!"

"Ron, you have toilet paper hanging out of your robe."

"Guh…but…BUSHY HAIR!"

"Oh, Ronald. When will you learn?"

"Oh yeah?" Ron shouted, "Well, you kissed Krum!" Ron ran for the hills, but he couldn't find any nearby, so he went to find Lavender Brown instead.

"So what are we going to do about Hagrid?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Well, I think we should be mature about this. After all, it's our 6th year."

"So we're going to just not show up and not mention it to Hagrid, hope he doesn't notice or that we don't see him for an absurdly long amount of time?"

"Yeah, exactly. You really are pretty quick on the uptake at times."

"Thanks."

XxXx

Harry was in line waiting for the House Elves to make some pipin' hot Big-Warts for him to eat, when Dobby grabbed him, pulled him behind the counter and into the cooking area.

"Harry Potter!" Dobby said nervously. "Dobby is so sorry to have disturbed your waiting, but Master Dumbledore requested me to subtly give you a note."

"So you thought grabbing me out of a huge line of students, while holding and waving a letter around in your hand, would be subtle?"

"Harry Potter is displeased with Dobby? Would Harry Potter like Dobby to smash his head into the stove a few times?"

Harry frowned, not sure if Dobby was being fresh with him or not. At this point he couldn't understand if Dobby wasn't being sarcastic. He was about to question Dobby about it when he glanced slightly to the right and saw who was the fry-cook.

"Professor Snape?"

Snape's head jerked up. "Potter? What are you doing here? Students aren't allowed to be back here."

"Professor, why are you working here?" Harry asked, actually finding this to be quite appropriate. Snape being a greasy, fry-cook and all.

"Because, Potter, not everyone can live on their teaching salaries alone. McHogwarts provides good money to us teachers who need an extra bit of pocket change every now and then."

"What? To buy those potions articles that you like to jerk off to?" Harry muttered, and by the grace of Gandalf Snape didn't hear him over the sounds of the fries…and his brother.

"Severous," Sneverous said cheerfully, "It's my shift now."

Snape turned his head in a very dramatic way, greasy hair spinning around his head. Loud soap opera music began to play.

"These are the Snapes of our lives." Harry said dramatically, watching as the two brothers…stood across from each other.

"But Sneverous, we agreed on this. I said since I couldn't work tomorrow that I would work this shift as well. I need the money."

"For what, those potions articles you jerk off to?"

Harry stifled a laugh, but obviously didn't do a very good job since the soap opera music played louder then ever when they both turned to look at him.

"I like you. 1000 points to Gryffindor." Sneverous said.

"I hate you. 100 points from Gryffindor." Snape said.

Harry pretended to look sad, "Well, some good things never last."

Severous nodded evilly, Harry wouldn't get a thousand points for Gryffindor. Not on his watch.

"But…but…Harry Potter!" Dobby cried, when Harry almost stepped on him, "Dobby must give you this note from Dumbledore!"

"Oh. Ok. Run along now."

"Dobby is always pleased to run for Harry Potter." Dobby bowed deeply.

Harry scowled. "Don't sass me, Mr."

Dobby looked confused and sauntered away—at least in Harry's mind it looked a lot like sauntering.

"Damn it, Sneverous! I need the money." Severous cried.

"You know," Harry began innocently, "The House Elves don't even get paid. I can't believe that they don't pay those poor, kind, sweet Elves, yet they pay a greasy potions teacher like you."

Sneverous laughed, "1 billion points to Gryffindor."

Harry ran away before Severous could deduct points. The rules of house points were a bit confusing to everyone, but it was common knowledge that if you couldn't hear the points being deducted, they weren't. Or else Severous would have a field day when he was alone in his room at night not getting any.

Harry skipped lunch and ran to the girl's bathroom, where he always went when he needed some privacy, to read the note that Dumbledore had given to Dobby to give to him.

Dear, Snarry

I am writing tsis letter in code. All tse h's are replaced by s's, so if tsis falls into tse wrong sands it will not be decoded. Isn't tsis fun? See? I just wrote isn't this fun? Catcsing on yet? Great. Meet me in my office tonight for a random private lesson. You pick the time, I'll pick my nose. Sasasasa. And yes, to answer your question, you can tell Ron and Sermione anytsing and everytsing about tsis year. Including your fantasies about the Weasley girl that no one knows about. Tsat is all.

Stinky-fiss (hint: It swims in water and dies if you feed it laundry detergent.)

XoXo

Dumbledore

Harry was so excited to be able to tell Hermione and Ron everything that he knew. Which was pretty much nothing.

TBC!