Writing Bad Mary Sue Parody Fanfiction at 2am Helps You Get to Sleep

By Sheik Lovin' 'Stuff goes here' Rose-chan

Disclaimer: If I owned Pokemon, I would be a very rich man living in Japan. Since I am not rich, I do not live in Japan nor am I male, it is safe to assume I do not own Pokémon.

Note: Here be crappy action scenes. You've been warned.

Striding boldly into Viridian Gym, Vanatessa didn't even stop to think that maybe, just maybe, this was stupid and suicidal and a berserk Tyranitar was very capable of killing her. But that would involve logic, and we all saw what happened last time.

"This is insane," muttered Dan, forced to remain outside in order to give the Sue her glory.

Back inside the Gym, Tessa stopped as she reached the arena and said berserk Tyranitar. She saw a girl who was dazzlingly beautiful (not as much as her,) likely the Leader Dan had been talking about. She was helping a boy get to his feet.

"You should get out of here." Said the one Tess assumed to be Valtaria Lightstar, even though Vanatessa was on the other side of the Gym arena and there was no possible way she could have heard her. The boy struggled up and stared at the Tyranitar, which was conveniently not doing anything in order for the dialogue to take place.

"N-no, I want to…George, why are you…"

As if on cue, a Hyper Beam struck the Gym roof. The boy yelled as the rock and debris fell, barely managing to dodge it.

Hearing another blast, Dan decided that he was not going to stand there for the whole chapter, thus giving him no opportunities to be cool or mysterious at all. Well, screw that! He wasn't even going to get any angsting in at this rate. And what was a male character without his angst?

Inside, the boy decided to take Valtaria's advice. He hurried out and almost ran into Vanny.

"Aah! Oh, I'm sorry…who are you?"

"My name is Vanatessa," Dramatic Pose, "And I'm going to stop him!"

"Well…George is my Pokémon. Please, don't hurt him too much!"

"George…? Well, okay. I can help him."

"Thank you so much, Vanatessa!" And the random kid was never mentioned again.

"George!" Tess called out. The Tyranitar turned towards her and she used her psychic powers to try and find out what was wrong with him. (Let's ignore the fact that Tyranitar is Rock/Dark and would therefore be immune, okay?)

Humans…Rocket…base…destroy…trap…darkness…

"W-what? This is…"

Trap…base…DARKNESS! (Allow me to take this opportunity to say that CATS owns Ansem and that match was a fluke. You know what you doing).

"Aaaah!"

A Hyper Beam devastated where she had just been, and Vanatessa blinked up at Dan as the readers cursed him.

"Oh…thank you. But I have to do this. I have to help him."

"You're insane, you know that?"

"No," she replied, "I'm a Sue." (Audience groans) "Hey! Tyranitar!"

George was again handily doing nothing, just staring down at her.

"Come back to your senses! Special Sue Power…Healing RAY!"

Light burst from Vanny's body and filled what was left of the arena. Dan and Valtaria shielded their eyes and the Tyranitar roared in surprise at the blinding illumination. The light slowly cleared, and George again gazed down at her.

I see…Master…take me…

"Wha…really? Are you sure?"

No choice. Master wills it.

"Wow, cool! Okay, George! Return!"

The Tyranitar's eyes held a hint of sadness, and before the light claimed him he had one last thought, unknown to the Sue:

I…am lost…

Tessa held up the Pokéball in triumph.

"I am, like, SO cool! Nothing can stop me! Dan, did you see me?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I was angsting about my Mysterious Past."

"What? But-"

Before another boredom inducing argument broke out, a slow clapping filled the Gym.

"Very impressive, Vanatessa. But am I right in assuming your Sue rank is so low you don't even have a ridiculously stupid second name?"

Valtaria Lightstar stepped out of the shadows, levelling her amber gaze at the worst character ever. Vanny hung her head.

"Yes…but you'll see! You get your second name at the second badge, right?"

"After you defeat Misty, yes."

"Well, once I've beaten you Brock won't know what hit him!"

"You won't even get that far, Vanatessa! We'll stop you here!"

"…We?"

"Yes." Another figure detached itself from the shadows. "I am also your opponent."

Valtaria smiled. "This is my twin sister, Arianna Darkstar. You have to defeat both of us to gain the Earth Badge."

"Interesting," said Dan, who felt it was entirely too long since he had lines. "I want the badge as well. To save time, I'll be Vanny's partner. One Pokémon each, when one side loses both their Pokémon they lose. Sound good?"

"I never thought I'd see you here, Daniel Firebringer. But I accept your terms. Ari?"

"Fine with me, sis," the newcomer replied, "I must warn you two, though, me and Val are unbeatable. Your chance of winning is…zero!"

"You think that tired old anime cliché will scare me? Go, Sid!"

"George! Show them what you've got!"

Valtaria shook her head. "Oh, dear. I'm afraid you'll have to see why my name alone strikes fear into others. Altaria, go!"

Vanatessa gasped as the Sky dragon appeared.

"Your name corresponds with your Pokémon? That's…that's so cool…"

"You realised it too late! Murkrow, it's your turn!"

"And Arianna Darkstar uses Dark types…the coolness is too much! How high is their rank?"

"Idiot! Focus on the battle! Sid, Flamethrower!"

Twin voices called out at the same time.

"Fly!"

"Earthquake!"

The Murkrow lifted itself into the air and easily avoided the stream of fire. Altaria created a powerful shockwave in the earth at the same time, causing our…heroes, I guess…to stumble and lose their footing. As Sid was recovering from the doubly strong attack a black blur shot into him, nailing another weakness as he cried out.

"No! Sid, hang in there!"

"George, Rock Slide!"

"Faint Attack!"

"Ice Beam!"

Arianna's Pokémon again dodged the attack with ease, following through by slamming into Sid. The frigid beam of ice froze the oncoming rocks, and as they fell to the floor Arianna broke into hysterical laughter.

"Oh, my! Is this all the might Daniel Firebringer and the main character can do? We haven't even started using our Sue powers!"

"Ari!" Valtaria snapped. "Whenever anyone starts to talk like that, they lose! Do not underestimate your opponent!"

"But, sis!" Arianna whined. "It's not even close! They're pathe-"

"There's no other choice, then…" Vanny mused. "Dan. The Desperation Combo may be our only option."

"Whoa. You sure about this?"

Nod. Grin. (Hands up who's bored by now?)

Vanatessa glared at the two Gym leaders.

"You two are going down!"

(Dramatic Pause™)

"HYPER BEAM!"

"OVERHEAT!"

CAPS LOCK!

The beam of pure power crashed into Altaria, forcing Val to throw herself aside as it carried on and smashed the dragon into the wall. Murkrow didn't fare much better, because it's stats suck and Overheat owns your face. In one fell swoop Ash Ketchum himself would be proud of (not that I like that stupid git), Valtaria and Arianna were defeated.

Arianna stared up at Tessa in shock, and Valtaria picked herself up with as much dignity as she could. Recalling Altaria, she turned to the victors.

"I must say, I am well and truly impressed. In accordance to League rules, I give both of you the Earth Badge." Smile. "Well done."

"No! There has to be some kind of mistake! There's no way we'd lose to some…no-name Sue! You cheated!"

"Arianna Darkstar! It is unbecoming of a Gym leader to act in such a way after a fair defeat!" (Let's ignore Whitney.) "It was a great battle. I am a member of the Sue High Council…"

"R-really?"

"…And I am so impressed, I wish to grant you your second name. From this day, you are Vanatessa Moonsylph!"

TBC…

A/N: Bleh. I think I lost the funny in this chapter.

Thanks to: Katire StarDust (Seryn? Uh…was he in Saffron?), choco aardvark (Flawless? Aww, thanks! Hey, no dissing Blaziken. It owns your face), Ri2 (As in, Kratos suxx0rs most greatly. Hmm…how about releasing it into a herd of wild Pikachu? That's a fairly Sue-ish thing to do. And this fic is about as serious as a Mary Sue parody can get), Sdrive (Review explosion! Thank you so much!), Nyaa-Neko (Thank you for the review! And I love your name, by the way).

Next Chapter: How long until the inevitable Pikachu? Place bets now! Oh yeah, and they go into the forest. That too.