Author: Jade Unicorn
Email: tenryuexcite.com
Title: Suffer (part of the "Break of the Cycle" series)
Rating: PG13 (mature people only please, this is some heavy stuff.)
Disclaimer: The characters in here do not belong to me in any way possible. Cause if they did, well I'd be dating Tawny right now…. But they don't. They belong to Disney (lucky bastard)
Note: Ok, this is about self-mutilation, self-injury, and cutting, whatever you want to call it. I myself am I recovering cutter. It's a very hard road to travel. If you or you know somebody who is dealing or has dealt with this, you'll understand where this is coming from. If you haven't, I suggest you never try this. It gets addicting quickly.
She stood in her bathroom; door locked, back against the door, razorblade in hand, and tears running down her face. Did she really have the guts to do this to herself? Could she kill herself?
Raising the blade in her shaking hand, she headed for her wrist, but instead changed her path and sliced her upper left arm, just beneath where a shirtsleeve would cover. Small drops of blood came to the skin…she was never one for slicing deep. Just as quickly as the skin had been broken up, it began healing up again.
"Ren!" The sharp loud booming voice came quickly through the door. It snapped her back into reality as fear climbed through her. Her heart was pounding from the rush of cutting herself and from Donny's voice scaring her. "What is taking you so long? You've been in there for like…ever."
Standing up and sliding her clothes back into place. Ren turned the faucet on and began washing her face. "Just ten more seconds Donny. I'm hurrying." Thinking quickly, she grabbed a nearby towel held it to her face and she slung open the door. Ren moved past Donny swiftly so that he wouldn't have time to notice that the towel was covering the tear stained face.
Ren made it into her room and locked the door. She crashed down on the bed and began sobbing again. It was a never-ending cycle. The shame she felt for cutting herself in the first place made her cut again because she felt so bad about it to begin with. It was weird but that's how things went.
It had been months since the first time she had ever cut herself. That first cut was like opening a door to a drug house. She got a small taste and now here she was doing it more often and deeper as time went on. It eased her pain though. Cutting was her control.
While everything else in her life spun out of control, Ren knew that she could keep the pain in check by cutting. Everything inside that was emotional pain she could transfer into physical pain. She could make it something that she could actually heal and make better other than what was boiling over inside of her.
Sitting up in her bed, Ren looked at her new wounds. The vivid red marks shone brightly against her pale skin. A small sense of satisfaction curled up in her mind. It had worked. What was she upset about to begin with? Whatever it was, it didn't matter now. Now the pain was gone.
Maybe she didn't have the guts to kill herself after all. It was only a small part of her that wanted to die. If she tried hard enough she could suffer through this pain and eventually move away from all these people.
Ren walked up to her computer and switched it back on. She opened the file marked 'personal' and clicked on the document that read 'journal.' When the page opened up on her screen, Ren selected all the text there and pressed the 'delete' key. After erasing the entry she wrote… "Today was great. No complaints." Hit save and closed out the page.
Checking her watch she decided to go see a movie with her brother and his friends like he had asked her to earlier that day. After changing clothes, Ren headed out the door with a fake smile on her face.
She didn't have a problem did she? No, she was perfectly ok. No need to let anyone know any differently, they wouldn't understand anyways. She was alone in this and that's how it was going to stay.
What do you think? Too corny, or is it really sounding pretty decent so far guys? TBC
---Jade Unicorn