Well, here it is – took more than a couple of days; but not two plus months this time, so I did a little better this time– the conclusion to "Family Secrets". At least one of you is on somewhat the right track about what the secret is - thank you, everyone, for your reviews! - ;but I hope that it surprises and, of course, amuses.
A couple of notes: I had thought that I had said this earlier, but the stuff about Destro's dreams refers back to my "A Bad Dream within a Dream" story. Really, anything you need to know aboutthis is related within this story, but if you wondered what he was talking about, there it is. Also, to clearly give credit where due, part of the initial reaction to the revelation of the secret is directly inspired by a certain scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" ….
Without further ado – the startling (?) conclusion!
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"Here," Scarlett said. "Read the file."
"What?" the three captured Cobras asked again.
"Read. The file."
Destro, Zarana, and the Baroness looked at each other.
"This must be a trick," Destro said.
"It's poisoned!" the Baroness declared. "The file's poisoned!"
"It is not poisoned!" Scarlett replied annoyedly.
"Is it hypnotic?" Zarana asked with concern.
"IT'S NOT HYPNOTIC!" Scarlett proclaimed exasperatedly. Snake Eyes' head tilted back as though he were rolling his eyes.
"No – but it is mine!" Cobra Commander's voice suddenly declared.
The Commander arrived in the turret of a HISS tank, flanked by two other HISSes. Flint was in front of the group, hands behind his head.
"Commander!" the Baroness exclaimed, actually glad to see him.
"You're using the new HISS Mark VII?" Destro noted with some surprise.
"How can you tell?" Scarlett asked.
"Yeah, they all look the same to me," Flint added. "Well, except the HISS II, maybe.…"
"Blind fool!" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "Can you not see the dark royal purple detailing? And listen to the majesty of my sound system!" The driver turned up the volume on the radio, briefly blaring "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour out onto the street.
"Yes! The sound system works!" Destro exclaimed, pumping his fist "What?" he asked in reply to the stares. "I take pride in my work."
"And I take pride in capturing Joes," the Commander replied. "Now, what shall I do with my prisoners, who had the three of you so totally defeated?" CC continued smirkingly.
Dr. Mindbender's annoying voice came from the HISS' rear platform. "Oo, don't shoot them, Cobra Commander!" he cried. "Let me use them for my experiments! I can brainwash them for information! Extract their DNA to create super soldiers!"
"… None of that," Cobra Commander said no-nonsensedly.
"Okay – then let me try new dental procedures on them!"
"Well, okay," the Commander acquiesced.
Flint winced. "Doesn't that violate the Geneva Convention?" Scarlett asked.
"Guess what – I don't care! Ha ha ha ha!" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "However – I do care aboutwhat's in that bundle! Hand it over!"
"They were going to give it to us anyway, Commander," the Baroness said.
"Which is why I will read it first, to determine if it is fit for your … four eyes or not!" the Commander declared. The Baroness scowled.
"It isn't about you – it's none of your business," Scarlett stalled.
"Everything is my business!" the Commander proclaimed. "Including … what is that noise?"
Cobra Commander referred to the "helicop-helicop" noise coming from above and behind him. Before he could turn around, he got the answer … in the form of a "Yo Joe!"
Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and Flint lit out for the other side of the street, site of the incoming Joes' landing zone. Cover fire was provided by two Tomahawk copters, and the cannon of the object they were placing onto the street, the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform.
Hawk reached out a hand to Scarlett as she climbed up the platform's side ladder. "Thanks for the timely rescue, General!"
"My pleasure, Scarlett!" Hawk replied. He hauled Flint up next.
"Yeah, thanks, boss!" Flint said. "Now, where are the guns?" He jumped into the Platform's armory, as Snake Eyes flipped up onto the Platform and manned the missile emplacement. Shells flew overhead as the HISS group opened fire on the mini-base.
"Are we sure that bringing the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform to the streets of Marsailles was a good idea?" Scarlett asked, as large holes were blown in the street.
"Well, we needed to put a base into place swiftly," Hawk responded. "It seemed like a better idea than the Mobile Command Center!"
"True," Scarlett conceeded, wincing at the thought.
"And we hardly ever get to use the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform," Hawk continued, "and it's cool!"
"Speaking of cool, who's the redheaded Cobra babe in the shorts?" Clutch asked from the platform's control section.
"Zarana," Scarlett answered.
"Wow, maybe you've got some competition in the flame-haired hottie department, huh?" Clutch grinned.
Scarlett rolled her eyes boredly. "Why are you even here?"
"Yeah, that's a good question," Stalker, lowered onto the helipad from a departing Tomahawk, said.
"Well … I wanted to see France …" Clutch began.
"French women aren't going to fall for your lame pick-up lines either, Clutch," Scarlett said.
"You - younever know!" Clutch exclaimed defensively.
"Hey!" Flint cried. "Anybody notice we're in a firefight here?"
"Yes!" Destro exclaimed. "A fight I shall finish with my wrist rockets!"
One of the rockets impacted a corner of the platform, scorching it and chipping it a little.
"It'll take more than that to hurt the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform!" Hawk declared.
"Accursed Transportable Tactical Battle Platform!" Destro exclaimed, launching another rocket, which missed the Joes, instead blowing a hole in the wall of a nearby building.
"Co-bra!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Mount up! We'll run that Transportable Tactical Battle Platform right off the street!"
"They're charging the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform!" Flint yelled.
"I'm starting to see why we don't use the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform more often," Scarlett muttered.
"Yeah," Stalker said. "it could use one o' those clever acronyms!"
"Don't let them wreck the 'teeh … teeh …buh…puh'," Hawk tried. Snake Eyes shook his head.
"Hm …." Scarlett murmured. She flipped into the Battle Platform's control center, knocking Clutch out of the way.Grabbing a microphoneattached tothe communications console, she held the file folder over her head. "Hey!" her amplified voice called. "Blow us up and you won't get to see the folder!"
"Hold!" the Commander called. The HISSes stopped a short distance from the Platform.
"Here, Baroness!" Scarlett called. "Read it!"
"No … you read it to us!" the Baroness called, from the back of the second HISS.
"Yes – they could have doctored the file folder with hypnotic properties!" Dr. Mindbender declared.
"Oh, come on!" Stalker exclaimed.
"You're the one who's been feeding them that paranoid bunk?" Scarlett asked.
"It is not paranoid!" Mindbender yelled defensively. "I could do it … well, theoretically … someday …" he added.
"Actually, you might not want this broadcast over a loudspeaker either, Mindbender," Scarlett said, flipping through the folder, "since this folder concerns you, too!"
"What?" Dr. Mindbender, the Baroness, Destro, and Cobra Commander all cried.
"Impossible! I have no connection to this sorry little twit!" the Baroness proclaimed dismissively.
"And I have as little to do with this … arrogant woman as possible!" Dr. Mindbender, mindful that both the Baroness and Destro were armed, declared.
"Well, we did have to do some digging around – some people with connections had some secrets they didn't want found …. But, we've got all the documentation right here in this folder – in fact, I've got extra copies of everything if you want," Scarlett said, removing a small pile of paper from the file.
"Documentation of what?" the Baroness demanded. "And what does it have to do with Mindbender?"
"All right," Scarlett said. "Birth certificates, doctor examinations, adoption records, other buried matter regarding a child given up… Baroness … Dr. Mindbender – is your brother!"
"What?" the Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, Destro, Cobra Commander, and Zarana all yelled very incredulously.
"No," the Baroness moaned. "No …. That's not true! …That's IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Search these folders, you'll know it to be true!" Scarlett replied.
"NO, NO…!" the Baroness continued Luke Skywalker-ly.
"It … can't be!" Dr. Mindbender cried in confusion.
"Think about it," Scarlett said. "You have the same hair color – "
"Well, what hair you've got," Flint remarked with a smirk.
"The same ridiculous accent …" Scarlett continued.
"I have a completely different ridiculous accent!" Dr. Mindbender cried. "I mean – I don't have a ridiculous accent –"
"I do not have a ridiculous accent!" the Baroness exclaimed.
Destro's face would have reflected a dawning revelation … if it wasn't covered by a beryllium steel mask which reflected the shot-up street instead. "Good God … it's true," he said in a near whisper.
"No!" the Baroness, Mindbender, and Cobra Commander cried.
"How could this be?" the Baroness asked, her hands to her temples.
"What, your parents didn't tell you about the birds and the bees OR your little brother?" Zarana asked.
"Shut up!" the Baroness cried. "…And he's not my LITTLE brother!"
"Sure …" Zarana replied.
"I'm … European?" Dr. Mindbender asked.
"Why'd you think you had that accent?" Flint asked.
"Why's he wear a cape, a monocle, and no shirt?" Stalker replied.
"Ewww," the Baroness said, thinking about her new … brother's … fashion sense.
"If we ever got married … THAT would be my brother-in-law?" Destro asked repulsedly.
"We might get married? – We might NOT get married?" the Baroness asked, mind roller-coastering.
"I think my sister's hot?" the identity crisis-ridden Mindbender continued.
"You think that I'm attractive?" the Baroness began – before remembering the subject was: one, Dr. Mindbender; and, two, apparently her brother. She then resumed freaking out. "Ugh! Aaaaa!"
"How can this be?" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "Tomax and Xamot! Zartan, Zarana, and Zanzibar!"
"Zanzibar is NOT my brother!" Zarana exclaimed. " … Right?"
"Er … the one with the orange hair, who blends into everything," the Commander amended.
"Zandar!" Zarana exclaimed. "Whew …" she added.
"Why are all of my sycophants andbootlicks SIBLINGS?" Cobra Commander exclaimed, resuming his tirade. "Argh! It seems as though my only underlings who aren't related are Destro and Major Bludd … right?" he added, looking at Destro.
"NO," Destro said. "Impossible. …Then I'd really have a reason to shoot myself," he added quietly.
"Destro!" the Baroness cried. She was now clutching a pile of photocopied documents which the Joes had handed down to her. "I'm related to that freeeeeak!" she cried, running into Destro's arms. Destro had produced a hip flask from that weird lumpy shape on his right leg, and now took a large swig.
"My hot sister thinks that I'm a freak?" Mindbender asked. "I mean, my not-hot sister … I mean …." He aimlessly joined the other Cobras in stumbling onto the back platforms of the HISSes. The Baroness was too distressed to evennotice if Destropaid attention toZarana at this point or not; she did take a swig from his flask, though.
"Well, that worked out pretty well," Scarlett remarked.
"Yes! Good work, Scarlett!" Hawk complimented. "The information your group dug up has Cobra's high command completely discombobulated and in disarray!"
"You'll PAY for this, G.I. Joe!" Cobra Commander exclaimed as his HISS turned to follow the rest of his retreating forces, a Rattler flying overhead - along with the angry mutters of store owners emerging out onto the battle-damaged street - discouraging any immediate gunplay or pursuit. He shook his fist angrily as hecontinued, "I'm sending you all of their psychiatrist bills!"
"No!" Hawk exclaimed, dropping to his knees. "We're never going to have a budget surplus again, are we?"
"Sorry, man," Stalker said, patting Hawk consolingly on the shoulder as a store owner swatted Flint with a broom.