Title: Little Secrets.
Rating: T.
Summary: We don't chose who we give our heart to and when, all we can do is listen to what it tells us.
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters, but just borrow them for a while to exercise my overactive imagination!
Spoilers: Anything around the last half of season 9, leading up to up to 'Hail and Farewell.' Set about a year after H & F.
Category: H/M shipper.
Feedback is always very welcome!
Mac sat at her desk, barely registering the case file in front of her. She wasn't even trying to keep her mind focussed today. She was too elated. If anyone had told her eight months ago that she'd be feeling like this today, she'd have probably slapped them.
Without a doubt, that point in her life had been the darkest of her life. Darker than during both times when Harm left JAG, darker than during Harm's imprisonment, darker than during Bud's accident, darker than even all of her childhood and teenage years. She'd lost another man in her life, Clayton Webb. She'd just been concentrating on putting her life back together after the whole Paraguay fiasco and had even considered moving on with her life, when Clay had gone away on that mission to Germany. Well, so she had thought. When he had ended up in a body bag, she had been spun all the way back to the deaths or emotional injuries of each of the men who had come and gone through her life; Mic, Chirs, John, Dalton, Eddie. Then there was that devastating news from her doctor following her medical procedure. That had been the worst of all, the worst of anything that she had ever faced; The odds were vastly stacked against her ever having a child of her own, due to the endometriosis that had been afflicting her, which she hadn't known about. It changed everything that she had hoped for her life in the future. Despite the fact that Harm had pledged to help her in any way he could, in the next month or so, Mac really found herself unable to stay afloat. Up until that time, the year had been a hard one and she had barely even begun to deal with it all, when this new weight was added to her already bowing shoulders. She was at her most vulnerable when Harm had found her and had helped her with getting through it all, one very small step at a time. It had taken many months before Mac had even begun to feel even the slightest bit like her old self. Throughout it all, Harm had been the best friend that any person could ever want. He was incredibly patient, supporting her through all of her bad days, even days when she couldn't even find the energy or the reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Despite how irritable and snappy she had been, when he showed up at her apartment in the morning, he didn't complain once and always kept a cool head on his shoulders. Mac had later shuddered as she recalled all of the nasty comments she had shot in his direction. Hell, she could even remember one morning when she had been so adamant that she was not getting up that she had hurled her beeping alarm clock at the wall where Harm's head had been, only seconds before.
"Remind me to get you a new clock when we get home from work," he had told her, without a trace of temper.
"I don't need a clock and you damn well know that," she had snapped back, before turning over and pulling the duvet back over her.
"Then why did you have that one?" was his quick rejoinder.
"Rabb, if you don't quit with the dumb questions, it won't be an alarm clock aimed at your head…" she had threatened him.
He had just ignored the comment and cajoled her, gently but firmly, out of bed and towards the shower, before he went to her closet to lift her uniform out. Mac didn't know how she would have avoided official reprimand if not for him, for she wouldn't have bothered to make sure that her uniforms were properly pressed and that her insignia was all pinned on correctly. She probably would not have bothered going to JAG most of the time and would have ended up being booted out of the Marine Corps or into a brig. There was no doubt about it, Harm was her saviour. In the evenings, when she was at her most fragile, he had sat and held her as she poured all of her troubles out. He always did know her so well, he seemed to know just the right thing to say. Or mostly when to listen, when to sympathise and when to suggest a direction to work in. Mac could still picture the look he had had in his eyes as he held her hand and rubbed her back comfortingly as she told him about the disastrous 'relationship' that she'd had with Clay. It seemed obvious, with the gift of hindsight, that nothing between them would have worked, but she seemed to have that sort of blindness, when she was in the midst of trouble and turmoil. Hell, Harm had sat back and just listened to her blabber on about the man whom he hadn't even liked all that much. After they left the hospital in Paraguay, she had told Harm that there was no 'us,' then she had run straight into the arms of Clayton Webb.
Now Harm was patiently listening to her talk about her relationship with the spook. During those months, Mac came to realise just why Harm was sitting there, supporting her through all of this ugly stuff. He was doing it to help her, totally for her. This, Mac began to realise, was the stuff that soul mates were made of. Yet, while she was recovering, he didn't take a step beyond their close, intimate friendship. Not yet, Mac realised, until he knew that she would be ready to deal with all that a new relationship and moving on from the past would entail. And she anticipated that whole-heartedly.
Because Mac had gotten into a totally negative way of evaluating herself, she now realised that without Harm and the way that he encouraged her to think in a positive way about herself, she never would have escaped the darkness. When Harm got through to her about all of her wonderful attributes, Mac couldn't help but feel better. Harm had even surprised her by arranging a surprise visit from Chloe around Easter, when the teenager was on mid-semester break. Mac's days were feeling so much brighter thanks to Harm. He had even been there for her during those long, sleepless nights when she really couldn't face being by herself, with her negative thoughts. He had brought light then, as well.
Finally, days seemed to be so much less of a challenge and she was figuring out how to get through the nights without so much support from Harm. That eventful afternoon, she and Harm had been taking a long lunch in the park near to JAG headquarters, the sun was splitting the trees and everybody around them seemed to be serene and untroubled by whatever worries were going on in the world. She and Harm had relaxed back on the picnic blanket that Harm had brought with them, when she turned her head to the side, locking gaze with Harm. Despite the fact that they were both still in uniform and could have faced a court martial for it, they had both leaned in to initiate a kiss that moved their relationship up a step. Mac found herself thinking about nothing but the kiss, her previous troubles and demons of the past totally forgotten about.
Things had only progressed from there in the ensuing months. They didn't even need to think about how fast or how slow to take their relationship, it all just unfolded naturally, without a thought or consideration from either of them. Everyone around them seemed to notice that they were both smiling a lot more, these days and although nobody talked about it, it became widely accepted that they were an item, although they had not come out and told anyone. Even their new CO seemed untroubled by any of the office scuttlebutt. On the whole, everybody was nothing but delighted for them, because they knew what a troubled past the two had behind them. Mac had finally entered the time in her life that she had longed for, for so long. She could even remember wishing for this as a child, when things were getting so bad between her parents that it hurt just to breathe the thick, tense air. This was every woman's dream. She discovered that behind the cocky, big-headed naval aviator attitude lay a much more sensitive man, one with a heart of pure gold. This man lived for the simple things in life, like enjoying breakfast with the woman he loved, before work each morning. This man loved with the intensity of an inferno, both in the bedroom and out. He enjoyed trips into the wilderness with the love of his life (Mac smiled as she remembered his exact words) each weekend, in his yellow Stearman biplane. This was the 'good man, great job and comfortable shoes' (and lots of them!) that Sarah Mackenzie had been longing for, her whole life. She didn't really see how life could get any better than this. She had long since come to terms with what her doctor had told her and had contented herself to pour all the love she had into her man, her friends and of course the beautiful Roberts children whom she and Harm were godparents to.
Harriet interrupted Mac's thoughts when she gave a knock on the doorframe of Mac's open office door. (Harriet was in civvies, as she had started her maternity leave, but Mac didn't actually think about what she was doing at the office that day.)
"Ma'am?" she asked, a slight smile on her face, "May I have a moment of your time?"
Mac looked up from where her eyes were fixed on the calendar, which had been a present from her oldest godchild, little AJ, and nodded.
"Of course, Harriet. Come in and take a seat…What is it that you wanted to talk about?"
Harriet noted how Mac's serene smile had been plastered on her face before she had even looked up. She was immensely glad to see that her very close friend finally had her life going in the direction she wanted it to. If there were two people who most deserved happiness, it was Colonel Mackenzie and Commander Rabb.
"Well, Ma'am," Harriet replied, "I was going to wait until Commander Rabb was in the office too, but with all the time that he's been spending travelling lately…and even though Bud isn't here, he agreed that I just go ahead and speak to you anyway…"
Mac sat and patiently listened to what her friend and co-worker was trying to tell her.
"Anyway, what Bud and I really wanted to ask you and the Commander is…Recently Bud and I have been revising our joint will…and we've been considering what would happen to little AJ, Jimmy and the twins…"
Here Harriet rubbed her large belly, to indicate the twin babies whose presence was expected in a couple of months time.
"And, well, my parents are really getting on now and Bud and I have agreed that if anything were ever to happen to he and I, we want the children to have a stable family home, for the rest of their young life. Of course blood-family is important, but that doesn't always offer a secure future for one's children. So, what Bud and I were wondering, Mac, was if you and Harm would like to become guardians to our children, in the event of the worst happening…"
Mac just sat with her mouth open for a few seconds, before she bolted out of her chair to hug the woman who was holding her in such high regard. It was a terrible thing to think about, but with Bud's promotion and the impending birth of the twins, it was an important consideration. Mac just couldn't believe that anyone would think of her to entrust the welfare of those most precious to her to.
"Oh, Harriet!" Mac exclaimed as she hugged the young woman, "Of course! I'll have to speak to Harm about it, but I don't anticipate anything other than him agreeing, wholeheartedly…That you'd think of the two of us for something like this!"
"Of course we would, Mac," Harriet was now as teary-eyed as Mac, "Bud and I could never think of anybody else as perfect to bring up our children, if something were to happen to him and I. I really don't think that we'd have what we do if it weren't for you two!"
Both women laughed as they remembered all of the near misses that Bud and Harriet went through (mostly due to Bud!) before they had finally got together.
"By the way, Mac, what had you so occupied, when I first knocked?" Harriet asked, when they were both composed again and back in their chairs.
"Oh, everything and nothing…" Mac dismissed, "anything that was more interesting than this court martial!"
She laughed as she closed up the case file on her desktop and put it to the side.
"And of course I was admiring the beautiful calendar that my eldest godson gave me, last Christmas…Do you think he meant to cheer me up?"
Harriet laughed. She remembered the shopping trip well, when her eldest son had stopped her out of the blue in the bookshop and pointed out the beautiful calendar that was displayed on the shelf.
"Mommy?" he had asked, "Do you think that Aunty Mac would like that? I could get it for her for Christmas…"
Harriet knew how much little AJ adored his godmother and was as desperate as everyone else to see her happy.
"Yes, darling," Harriet had nodded, giving her son the money, "I think Aunty Mac would love that."
"When did that little guy get to be such a smart cookie?" she had wondered to herself, at the time.
Ever since January the first, the calendar had taken pride of place on Mac's desk.
"His teacher's always telling Bud and I what a thoughtful boy little AJ is," Harriet nodded, answering Mac.
"She's right," Mac nodded, in agreement.
After Harriet went back into the bullpen, Mac had continued to stare at the bright, beautiful calendar, smiling.
"How fitting," she thought as she eyed it.
How fitting that this thoughtful gift, which had beamed a ray of sunshine into her life now signalled the coming of another miracle, another ray of sunshine, for her and Harm…was it terrible that she had not told Harm, yet? He'd been so busy lately, away on a case and had barely managed to stay awake during their phone calls to each other, over the past week. No, he had other things to worry about just now. For now, Mac would savour and enjoy the news herself, until Harm got home. This was really the sort of news that should be received face-to-face, not over the phone. For now, Mac would keep it to herself and enjoy it, for she had no doubt how the news would be received by Harm; with sheer joy.
So she sat silently at her desk, hands wrapped across her as yet slender belly, hugging her 'little secret' to herself…
The End