Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they're owned by DPB and Bellasarius Productions, blah, blah, blah.
A/N: Yes, I know what you're thinking – not another PostTwilight fic! Argh! But seriously, I wrote this one ages ago, and just recently found it buried on my hard drive and decided to post it. I needed to get Kate's death out of my system, so I wrote this. I suppose if makes me feel better, writing about it… Mostly just Tate fluff… R&R guys!
Lyrics: Delta Goodrem – "A Year Ago Today"
"Regrets"
One year PostTwilight
It's been a year since I've heard your voice. A year since I looked into your eyes. A year since I've seen your face.
It's been a year since you were murdered.
Tony sat down at his desk and shuffled some papers. Nothing felt right anymore, nothing felt like it would ever be the same. He thought he was better. Thought that he was handling her death, but Tony knew that you never really got over the loss of some one you loved.
Love. He knew he loved her, he'd just been too scared to acknowledge it. And now it was too late.
Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than
A year ago today
Maybe he was a bit wiser, like someone who'd been through a lot, but he sure as hell wasn't stronger.
Tony knew inside he blamed himself. A lot of the team blamed themselves. Maybe it's a bit like survivor's guilt. You think it should have been you, oh Kate, why did you have to be so brave? You threw yourself in front of Gibbs, a brave act; he'd be dead if it wasn't for you. He knew that. But maybe, just maybe, if you hadn't done that, you wouldn't have been in the line of fire the second time round.
What sort of compromise is that? Trading one life for another? Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was meant to happen like this. Maybe.
Looking over my shoulder
I was so much younger then
I can't believe what happened
A year ago today
Tony knew he might forever blame himself, because he knew there'd always be that nagging guilt hanging over him that made him think, what if?
What if he had told her the truth? Ever since he almost died himself, he'd been thinking about "what if's". What if he'd known that she had stayed with him in isolation, just so she could be near him? What if he'd known that she risked her own life just to support him?
What if he knew that she had cried over the fact that she might lose him?
And I just can't forget about it
It wouldn't mean a thing
You went away
A year ago today
It just didn't seem fair! Why was life like this? Why did you lose the ones you cared about? Why did they go before you had a chance to tell them how you felt? Tony ran his hands through his hair. He thought he was stronger than this. He felt that the tears would never stop flowing.
Another year gone
Oh the tears have run dry
Life seemed so unkind
A year ago today
Why is it so complicated? Life and death. Love and hate. Truth and lies. Two opposing sides of the story, yet no one to explain any of it. No one to give an answer.
And I just can't understand it
I don't think I ever will
You went away
A year ago today
Gibbs appeared in the doorway. "Come on DiNozzo. It's time for the ceremony."
Tony took a deep breath and stood up. Fixing his tie he followed Gibbs towards the elevator.
"It's just not fair, is it boss?" The younger agent said. Gibbs looked at him. He couldn't tell if he'd been crying. He couldn't tell anything anymore. "Life's not fair, DiNozzo."
Tony took another deep breath, "I loved her, boss." he said. He felt like this was an okay time to say this. A time where emotions flowed over, where people said what they really felt.
Gibbs nodded and gave him an encouraging smile, "She knew, Tony. Inside, she knew."
And how many times have I questioned myself
What more could I do
And how many times I have fooled myself
Over you
You've gotta pick yourself up
Take another look
And dust yourself off
'cause life's too good
I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again
Love will never end
As the agents headed for the elevator, Tony could have sworn he felt a hand on his shoulder. It wasn't cold, more like a reassuring touch, a touch to say, 'it's okay now, you're not alone." But when Tony looked behind him, no one was there. Tony felt a calmness go over him. Maybe after the ceremony, he could get his thoughts back in order.
He knew they'd be apart forever, that he'd never see her again. Forever. Forever was a long time. Tony's heart ached. He never told Kate how he felt, and as much as he told himself that he'd never make the same mistakes again, he knew he could never be sure.
You could never be sure. Life is too short to keep your feelings to yourself.
Another year older
A little bit stronger
On this anniversary
You're watching over me
You went away
A year ago today
Tony was surprised at how many people attended the ceremony. But he didn't need to be. Kate had this presence. People just liked her. He supposed he could say she lit up the room. How clichéd. But it was true.
A lot of tears. A lot of confessions.
A lot of regrets.
Tony walked over to the headstone. It was beautifully decorated. The grey slab it once was now surrounded with colour. He'd never visited Kate's grave before. He didn't think he would be able to stand it. It was just too final. To see her name engraved on the headstone was too final. Like a final goodbye that you never got to say. Like he never got to say. One minute they were joking, the next she was on the ground, a bullet hole in her head, and Tony was sprayed with her blood. He could still sense that familiar, coppery smell. The smell of blood from the woman he loved.
Tony placed his hand on the top of the headstone.
"I love you Kate. I always will. I'm so, so sorry." He bowed his head. He knew he was alone, that he could cry all he wanted, let his emotions run free.
Tony felt a hand on his shoulder that made him whip around. But there was no one there. He felt a presence around him. Not a cold one like you might expect, but warm, calming. Tony closed his eyes, picturing Kate, her dark hair framing her delicate face, her eyes shining with laughter, her lips smiling.
"I love you too Tony."
He knew the voice. He heard it every time he closed his eyes. Every time he paused for a moment. He didn't turn around. He didn't need to.
Oh God, why?
Why? There was no answer. There never could be one. Whether it was fate, or something else, he didn't know. All he knew was that he loved her, and now he'd never see her again.
But life went on. People everywhere continued working, continued on with their lives, unaware of the feeling of loss and desperation Tony was feeling right now. He'd never forget Kate, never stop loving her. Never.
And though we're so far apart
You're forever in my heart
A/N: It's meant to be only a short fic, so there's no sequel, but I am still writing my other chapter fic, "Goodbyes'" so I need reviews on that, tell me what you think so far! Please R&R guys!