Disclaimer: I don't own anything created by J.K Rowling. I own nothing, nada, zip so don't sue! I own nothing but the plot.
A/N: This is my first attempt at humor so be kind please. This is PreHBP and what gave me the idea was the fact that almost every Professor Snape story I read he always seems to be glowering at his food. This is my logical explaination as to why he glowers at his food. It's probably not that funny, but I think it is... Anyway please R&R.
Professor Snapes Monday Morning Musings
Mondays…the most despicable day of the week. Who ever invented it should die! I sit here and I look at all those insufferable students knowing that I will have to teach almost each and everyone of them about a subject they have not passion for, no interest in. How did I get this job? Oh, wait I remember now, I have a penance to pay for crimes I committed years ago…Honestly I was a young, stupid dunderhead who just wanted a little revenge and I'm still paying for it! Stupid Dumbledore and his manipulation…He just makes me feel so…guilty.
Well I have more important issues to worry about like the matter of my food… it just sits there full and seemingly happy…I hold a grudge against it because it wants to give me energy for the day, energy to teach those useless dunderheads. I glower at it. How dare it stare up at me as if it would like to jump up and stuff those pieces of bacon in my unwilling mouth. Bangers and Mash…It will be the death of me! Not to mention all the calories and fat, you know I have to watch my thin frame; I have to keep that sallow complexion. If I didn't know any better I'd say my food was trying to fatten me up, to give me rosy cheeks and make me…gulp…happy. Well I say that those bangers and mash can go straight to hell! How dare it look at me like that! It wants to clog my arteries! Its out to get me I know. Well we'll see who gets whom first. I can put on my scariest expression and maybe it will shrivel up and die! Plus it makes me look totally unapproachable to all students who dare even think about coming up to me and asking me useless utterly unintelligent questions. Now, back to my food, evil food. You may ask me what it ever did to me and I would reply that it wants to attack me and one day when I least expect it, it will jump right off my plate and attack my face with everything it has. So you see I have to keep it at bay with my sour expression, you never know when it will attack! Oh, I see now you think I'm paranoid...Well one day you'll know it'll get you too, never can be too careful with those bangers and mash…
I notice that Dumbledore stares at me with those gleaming eyes as if he knows something I don't. Maybe he's in on the conspiracy with the bangers and mash. I'll have to watch him particularly closely now that I'm onto him. I suppose he must have lost some of his sanity in his years, after all he seems to care for each and every one of his students. That right there says he's slightly off his rocker. Honestly how can he be so happy all the time…I'm going to have to check those lemon drops he offers everyone for some sort of potion…the man probably gets high off some potion after he gets up every morning. If he does I'll have to ask him where I can get some… Maybe I'll just borrow some from him. All I would have to do is walk into his office and the first thing out of his mouth would be "Would you like a lemon drop Severus?" honestly that man is so predictable.
I hear laughter and immediately turn my attention towards the Gryffindor table. Yay! I now have something else to glower at, evil little Gryffindors. I swear if the food doesn't get me first Neville Longbottom will blow me to pieces. Not that that's entirely a bad thing it would be better than death by bangers and mash. I again turn my attention toward my plate of food again. I wouldn't dare touch it, it might provoke it into attacking…Of course all the Gryffindors would probably think it hilariously funny actually probably all the houses would, except maybe my own. The only reason they wouldn't laugh is because they know I'd find some way to come back from the dead and kill them or eat them or something along those lines.
Oh my Lord Voldemort…I think the bangers just moved…it's happening, it's preparing to attack. I put on my scariest face hoping it will return to its inanimate state. It does but I'm fed up with it always trying to kill me. I swiftly get up and in a great crescendo I hurriedly leave the hall robes billowing behind me. Alas another despicable Monday. Another battle against my food, evil food.