The Great Mistake
AN: This is a sequal to Kairi Grows a 'Stache
Kingdom Hearts is property of Square-Enix
Born Under a Bad Sign is by Albert King from the album of the same name.
"Mayor, what's wrong?" Tidus asked as Destiny Island's political meddler stormed up the street.
"I took Kairi over to the Isle of Man on the ferry," she explained while she continued marching up the street. Tidus had to run to keep up. "I waited there for nine hours before they told me that they arrested her for "Persistently and maliciously being a foreigner.""
"Kairi's in jail?"
"What are you guys doing?" Wakka asked. Tidus and Selphie sat at the edge of a deep hole in Tidus' backyard.
"We're going to rescue Kairi by digging a tunnel to the Isle of Man," Tidus said, and showed Wakka the schematics drawn in colored pencil.
"That's impossible," Wakka said, "do you know how deep the ocean gets between here and there? And it's too far away. You'd need heavy machinery and years to succeed."
"It'll go faster if you help us," Selphie said.
"I don't have time to play guys, the Knowledge Bowl is this weekend and I've got to study," Wakka said. "Although… forget it," he hesitated.
"What?" Selphie asked. "Is something bothering you?"
"Never mind."
"No, no. You came all the way over here, let's hear it."
"Okay," Wakka said, "But this is between you and me. Swear?"
"Tippy-top secret," Tidus and Selphie said.
"Okay. This is really a question for Selphie…"
"Shoot."
"Give me your honest opinion…" he looked around nervously. "Is there something about me that girls don't like?"
"…" Selphie blinked, "That's your question?"
"Go ahead," Wakka steeled himself, "Do your worst. I can take it."
"Girls like you fine, Wakka," Selphie rolled her eyes.
"Sure, they do."
"Of course they do. For instance, you're the Captain of the Blitzball team– and you're student body president– very popular. All the girls on the Spirit Squad– except for me, of course– want to be your girlfriend. Even the Townies, cause y'know their mummy's and daddy's would hit the roof if you showed up on their doorstep to take their daughter's out."
"You're making that up."
"I'm serious. Remember that brawl they got into after last week's game?"
"There's a bit of excitement on the sidelines," the announcer said. "It appears that the Spirit Squad has started to riot! There's team captain, Cindy Majors, swinging what appears to be… a board with a nail in it?
"Freshman Katia Strangers has just taken a brutal hit with crowbar– where did that come from?"
Selphie watched the Spirit Squad dogpile onto their captain and shook her head.
"Pitiful," she tsked. She dropped her pom-pons and headed for the locker room.
"So anyway, they all decided not to ask you out in order to "preserve their friendship,"" Selphie finished.
"And I bet they'd deny this story if I ever asked them about it," Wakka said suspiciously.
"Yup."
"Liar. You're just making that up to make me feel better. I'm going to die old, alone, and miserable," he whined.
"Oh, go home and sulk, you big baby," Selphie sighed, "Come back when you're feeling sensible again."
"You don't want to go out with him?" Tidus asked Selphie when Wakka left.
"Please. A romantic involvement with a senior would get me in trouble with Bob and Miriam," Selphie explained. Bob and Miriam, her godparents, threatened to send her to military school if she got into trouble while living with them. "Besides, I feel the same way about him as I feel about you."
Tidus wondered if that was a "yes" or a "no."
She got up and brushed the dirt from her dress.
"Wakka's right, we're never gonna get there like this. We need something better to dig with. And I know just who to ask."
The Unnes were highly distressed by the duplicity of the IM authorities, they were very fond of Kairi, so they dropped everything to prepare for her hearing the following day.
Of course, Sora and Riku wanted to help.
"I was up all night writing this for the hearing," Riku handed the Mayor a stack of papers. He rubbed the circles under his eyes and yawned.
"Er, that's very proactive of you, Riku," the Mayor said doubtfully.
"This is the plan. While you distract them with this 90-page speech, Sora and I will sneak into the jail, take out the guards, and free Kairi. Then we all escape to the ferry."
"I don't think that's such a good idea."
"This is plan B," Riku handed her a single sheet of paper.
"'Hand over Kairi or we'll burn down your village,'" the Mayor lifted one eyebrow.
"Sounds good to me," Dr. Unne grumbled.
"No, it's not," the Mayor nudged him. "Boys, it's noble of you to want to help, but this is a problem for the grownups. Let me handle this, especially since this is a political problem. The only way to solve this is with finesse… people skills…
"It has to be done artfully… cannily... We have to work to solve this deceitfully."
"Did you just say we have to solve this deceitfully?" Dr. Unne asked.
"No, I said we have to solve this peacefully. Pay attention, darling."
Selphie knocked on the back door of the storehouse while Tidus hid in the shadows behind some rusty barrels of refuse. A slot in the door opened and a pair of eyes peeked out.
"Whadda ya want?"
"I have something I thought might interest certain parties. I might also, hypothetically speaking, be interested in purchasing some unusual item that I couldn't get just anywhere."
The eyes narrowed.
"One moment."
They listened as several locks were thrown. The door flew open and Chappu, Wakka's diminutive little brother peered out and waved Selphie in. Selphie waved at Tidus.
"Him," Chappu snarled.
"My silent partner," Selphie said. She gave Chappu a 'don't mess with me' look. He shrugged coolly.
"S'fine," he said, "Now get in here before someone sees ya!"
He slammed the door behind them.
"Now, let's see the item," Chappu rubbed his hands together.
"Bob and Miriam had a little pest nibbling on their furniture and scurrying behind the walls. I caught it in trap this morning and I was gonna let it go free in the Cove."
"How very humane of you. Let's see it."
Selphie held up a small cage with a little yellow rodent in it.
"Pikachu!" it said.
"Electric rodent," Chappu scratched his chin, "Very nice. I'll give you twenty for it."
"I was wondering if you'd credit the amount to a certain purchase I have to make."
She explained what they needed and Tidus' plan to dig under the ocean to the Isle of Man.
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard someone say with all seriousness," Chappu said. "You can't possibly afford to pay for something like that, and machines like that are very expensive and very rare."
"Oh," Selphie frowned.
"I'll let it go for 300 mil," Chappu said.
"300 million?" Selphie shrieked. Chappu shushed her.
"Chappu! You better be doing your chores down there!" Chappu's dad yelled from upstairs.
"Yes, Father!" Chappu screamed back.
"Can't we work something out?" Selphie pleaded. "Let me borrow it, please?"
"I'm not unsympathetic to the plight of my fellow man," Chappu said and scratched his chin thoughtfully, "I guess I can cut the price down for such a good customer. How about an even thousand?"
"I don't have that much either."
"I think I have a couple hundred left in my allowance," Tidus said.
"Okay. I'll let it go for a couple hundred and a favor to be named…later," Chappu said ominously. Selphie and Tidus exchanged nervous glances. "But there's one other thing." He whipped out a contract for Selphie to sign. "I must ask for you to put something of value up for collateral. Just to make sure you come through with the payments."
"If we had anything else we would've given it to you," Selphie pointed out irritably.
"I was thinking, why not him," Chappu nodded at Tidus.
"Alas!" Tidus put threw his arm over his eyes, "I shall sacrifice myself for the sake of my friends!"
"No!" Selphie said, "No, no, no, no. Tidus, be quiet, he's not playing around, he'd seriously sell you into slavery. Don't you know what happened to Coach Jerkovsky?"
Flashback…
"Hello Riku," Coach Onan Jerkovsky bounded up to the knot of children.
"Hi, Coach Jerkovsky," Riku said nervously.
"Have you thought about joining the summer blitzball league?" he said hopefully.
"I don't really like blitzball, sir," Riku tried to scoot away.
"You'd make a fine looking addition to the team," Coach Jerkovsky said, brushing the boy's shoulder. Everyone felt 'squirmy' inside and couldn't precisely figure out why. "Yes, a fine addition," Coach Jerkovsky said.
"'Scuse me sir," Chappu said. "Destiny Island Center for Infectious Viruses." He held up a badge. "There's been an outbreak of a Carcinogenecysticfibromyalgiosis Flu on the island, and as you've recently moved here and haven't had all your shots we would like to quarantine you for a couple of days. For your protection."
"Oh. Well, if you insist."
Chappu led Coach Jerkovsky out into a shadowy alley.
"Right through here sir, if you don't mind," Chappu pointed to a dark doorway.
"Are you sure this is necessary," Coach Jerkovsky had second thoughts.
"Oh absolutely, sir," Chappu assured him. "It's only for a couple of days."
Chappu closed the doorway after him. The phony door fell over and revealed a human-sized crate. He furiously hammered the crate shut and slapped a shipping sticker on it.
"To the galley with you," Chappu said.
Praetor Baralai slipped around the corner and viciously kicked the crate.
"Nice work," he said out of the side of his mouth. He slipped Chappu a roll of bills.
End flashback…
"If you want this machine," Chappu said, "then I suggest you desist in spreading these ridiculous, slanderous, rumors. Besides, I saved that man's life."
Selphie immediately apologized. Tidus signed the contract, despite Selphie's protests. They left Chappu to his shady dealings.
"I didn't think that thing would ever move. I'm The Man!" he said.
The next morning the two children were surprised to find a brand new 360-ton tunnel-boring machine sitting on Tidus' front lawn.
"How are we supposed to hide this?" Selphie wondered.
"We start digging," Tidus said, "For freedom!"
"Morning," Sora and Riku stopped at Tidus' yard. Sora pointed at the huge machine that dwarfed the house. "What's that?"
"What is that racket?" Dr. Unne sat up in bed. He hadn't slept well to begin with; now there was a loud grinding noise coming from outside and the ground trembled.
He saw that his wife was already up and tying a ribbon around a white box with an eerie smile. "Baby, what are you doing?"
"Just a little surprise for their Mayor," she said. "Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"
"Oh, honey, please don't do something that'll get you thrown in jail too! I don't want to move the Isle of Man just to be with my family."
"Have a little faith in me," the Mayor said. "It's just a nice loaf of gummiberry bread– that I made really half-assed. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"I'd better get in the shower," Dr. Unne got up, "I can't believe I have to go to one of these things already."
The tunnel-boring machine made the impossible task a mere two-hour chore. By the afternoon the children finished their first and only underground transit tunnel, and they surprised a number of residents when their machine (or rather, Tidus' tunnel-boring machine) surfaced in the square of the capitol– Pravoka.
"Excuse me, which way to the jail?" Tidus asked a passing policeman.
"Tidus, you idiot, that's a cop!" Selphie grabbed him by his shirt. "Run away!"
"So this is Pravoka," Sora climbed out of the machine, heedless of the policeman standing at the bottom of the ladder tapping his foot. "We should get some souvenirs."
"Would a mug shot do?" the policeman asked.
"Nah, those fake mug shot pictures are so cheesy… Uh-oh," he smiled cutely.
"ME-DOKEN!" Riku yelled and dove from the top of the engine onto the unfortunate policeman. He got up and ran after Sora.
"Hey guys, we found the jail," Selphie called them.
"How conveeenient," Riku said.
They all ducked into the huge stone building that served as Pravoka's jail and courthouse.
None of the solicitors or policemen paid much attention to the group of children wandering around the halls. They all appeared to be to involved in their work to notice much of anything.
"Pardon me, sir," Sora tapped a man in a uniform on the shoulder. "Which way to the jail cells?"
"That's a horrible place, you children certainly don't want to go there," the policeman said kindly.
"Oh, but we're here to visit an inmate," Selphie said innocently and fluttered her eyelashes.
"Wow, they must go on the honor system here. Suckers," Tidus said as they walked through the halls. He suddenly stopped. "Look! Free sword!" he pointed at the decorative suit of armor at the end of the hallway.
"Dibs!" Sora, Riku, and Tidus yelled at the same time. They nearly knocked Selphie down in their race to get the non-wooden sword and therefore be the sweetest, bad-ass warrior on Destiny Island.
"You guys, shut up," Selphie said. The noise they made would get them thrown out for sure. "Stop that! Stop it this instant."
"What are you kids doing here?" the Mayor thundered. The fighting immediately ceased.
"Hi, Mayor." Selphie smiled weakly and waved.
"We're here to save Kairi," Sora said. The Mayor's expression softened.
"I told you to leave it to me. Everything is okay, now," she stepped aside. Kairi stood behind her wearing her little prison jumpsuit (Pravokan's favored the striped uniform with a number stuck to the front of the shirt.)
"Are you okay?" Sora held her hand.
"How was prison?" Riku asked.
"Well, I can't say it was easy," Kairi said bravely, her lower lip quivered slightly.
Flashback…
"Born under bad sign
I been down since I begin to crawl
If it wasn't for bad luck,
I wouldn't have no luck at all…"
Kairi stood up on the bench and sang. The female inmates around her clapped in time to the blues song while another played her harmonica.
End Flashback…
"Big-legged woman gonna carry me to my gra-ave," she sang quietly while staring off into space.
"Uh, Kairi? Hello? Hello?" Sora shook her.
"Here you go," Dr. Unne gave Sora his camera. "Get one of us with officer Leonard, here."
"Smile everyone."
So ends the tale:
Kairi went home with her parents on the ferry. The other children drove with Tidus through the new Destiny Island/Isle of Man Tunnel.
And Mayor Logos got a special surprise…
"Mmm. Fresh gummiberry bread," he licked his lips and opened the package. He wrinkled his nose when he saw what waited within.
"Pikachu!" the little rodent sat in the middle of the half-eaten bread. It patted it's tiny belly and burped.
"Pfagh!" Logos dropped the box.
"Chu!" the electric rodent hopped out of the box and indignantly waved it's tiny fist at him.
"Ah! Someone help me catch it before it gets into the wild and lays its eggs!" he yelled at his aides.
"Sir, only two mammals in this world lay eggs–"
"Shut up. I knew that! Help me get it, or our fragile ecosystem will be destroyed."
For you see, no matter how nice the Mayor appears to be, it's doom– doom!– to meddle with her family…
Or lie to her…
Or play tricks on her…
Just be careful, people.
Thousands of electric rodents swarmed through the streets that spring, headed en masse for the scenic meadows and vales of the Isle of Man to feed.
Born freeeee...
As free as the wind blooooows...
AN: This felt like it went a little fast.