Title: Onderweg (4 of 4)
Author: Leven
Rating: FRT, some swearing but not much else, maybe more in later chapters
Disclaimer: I don't own Ray, Neela or ER in general. They belong to NBC and all the other people who have something thing to do with this show. Song belongs to Abel
Spoilers: N/A
Summary: She left him a long time ago. The only thing he needs from her now is closure.

A/N: TADA! Finished!

Chapter 4


ik loop de straat in (I enter the street)

I always thought she was amazing. Even the first time I saw her – which was less than a minute – I knew this girl was something special. She had a certain glow about her, a certain...something I don't think I'll ever be able to explain. It wasn't that I thought she was gorgeous, that came later, no…it was that look in her eyes. That mildly interested look mixed with a little annoyance, like I just interrupted her conversation. I never met anyone who could look at me like that, except my mother. I knew they would like each other. Isn't that a stupid thing to think about someone you never even really talked to?
I loved looking at her, touching her, taking to her and I looked forward to doing it again. I really did. But now she's sitting here, right in front of me. In her nicely furnished living room. With a mildly terrified look on her face. All I want to do now is make a run for it.
Her wall is full of pictures. Pictures of Abby and all the other people in the ER. Pictures of her parents and her sisters. She has great sisters. Geeta, Asha and Nirmala are all very lovely women. Full of life. Three other women just like her. I actually ran into Geeta once, in London. She was very warm and friendly, like Neela hadn't told her we weren't together anymore. But she knew. She had that pity look in her eyes, when she thought I wasn't paying attention.
Neela's brothers didn't really like me much, I think. The one time I met Ajeet and Sanjay they kept looking at me like they were going to lynch me the moment we were alone. And then Neela gave them that look she always gave me and they'd stop for a few seconds. But the look always came back. The Rasgotra's all had a look of some kind.

Her dad, Arjay, somehow looked disappointed, yet pleased at the same time.
Her mom, Cherita, just looked happy her daughter was in love.
Geeta looked at me with great interest, like she wanted to figure me out.
Asha looked glad she wasn't the only one her parents could be disappointed in anymore. With her being a lesbian and all.
Nirmala looked amused, like she wanted to see how long I would last with two pissed off brothers following my every move.
Her brothers looked like they knew how not to leave tracks.

I sigh at the memory and look away. She looks at the floor and bites her lip in that way she always does when she's nervous. She asks if I want something to eat. I nod, suddenly noticing how hungry I really am. She's on her feet and in the kitchen before I know it. This is going to be a long night.

maar het zal me nooit verwarmen (but it wil never warm me)
omdat het mij niet kan omarmen (because it cannot embrace me)

She comes back in with a plate of food. Roti. She made that for me once before. I loved it. She's a great cook, really. She says it's her mother's influence. Mrs. Rasgotra expected all four of her girls to know how to cook. She looks more nervous than I thought she would be. She bites her lip and sighs.

I should be sitting at the table.
Of course. I move.

The dinner table is very clean. Like she hardly ever sits there. But I know that's not true. She's too proper and well raised for that. She sits on the other side of the table, facing me again. Still she won't really look at me.
I start eating, with my hands of course. The way she taught me.

You can only eat Roti with you hands, Ray.
She looks pleased that I remembered.

She squints her eyes and asks whether I've been eating.
I lie and tell her that I have. When in fact I've hardly been eating at all, for the past two months.
I look too skinny.
I do, I really do. But still I lie to her and tell her I've been eating fine.
Just to prove it I eat as fast and as much as I can.

wie zou mij zien? (who would see me?)

I ask her how she's been. She seems to brighten up a bit and smiles. Thank God. I was beginning to think I'd never see that smile again. The pictures don't do it justice. Because even this nervous smile makes me want to kiss her over and over and over.

Great, she says.
The ER's been hectic, but she loves it there.
Have I been yet?
Yep. I got a grand welcome.
Of course I did. She seems to have forgotten all her nervousness. They all missed me.
With a braveness I don't remember having before I ask if she missed me too.
She looks away and doesn't answer.

I'm an idiot.

het liefst zou ik willen schreeuwen (I would prefer to be shouting)
ik zou oneindig willen schreeuwen (I'd like to shout forever)

After nearly 30 minutes of sitting here in awkward silence she finally asks.

Why am I here?
So I tell her: I just wanted closure.
After three years?
Well, yeah.
Why'd I leave?
I resist the urge to scoff at her.
Isn't it obvious?
Oh, I didn't have to leave? Whatever.

I'm starting to get angry. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. We weren't supposed to fight. I try to remain calm and ask her:

Why did she leave?
She looks away.
I want an answer, Neela. I want one now.
So she tells me. With closed eyes

She thought she was pregnant. She thought she was pregnant. She thought she was having my child and she left me.

I don't get this. I don't want to get this. Oh God, she's crying. She's crying and I'm getting more and more upset.

We weren't ready for it, she whispers.
I wasn't supposed to know. Not this. Not this way.
Did she hate me this much?
No, she says.
No
No
No
That's why she didn't want me to know this.

But it doesn't help. This is more than I expected. Much more.

maar het gaat niet (but I can't)
jij bent nu alleen van mij (you're only mine now)

Suddenly I burst.

HOW COULD YOU?

She was scared.
Oh, she was scared.

So I ask her the most obvious question. Why the fuck didn't she bother to tell me?
Because she saw me.
With who?
That blonde girl. Oh, way to be cryptic Neela.
She saw us hugging, she screams through her cries. She saw us hugging and laughing!
Suddenly it dawns on me.

Kelly. She saw me with Kelly.
My cousin Kelly. The one who was in town for a day. Didn't I tell her?
No.
She sniffs and hisses at me. How was she supposed to know?

Words, Neela. Form questions with them!
She sinks into the couch and suddenly she seems so small. I realize I don't want to see her like this.
I reach out but she waves my hand away.

She was just so afraid, she mumbles, so soft I can barely hear her.
She was so afraid I'd leave her and that I'd reject the baby that she…
Panicked? I finish for her.
She sobs and nods.

I reach out again and this time she takes my hand, so I pull her towards me.
She looks at me with big eyes and whispers:

I'm so sorry.

ik kan de wereld laten zien (I can show the world)
dat het zo beter is misschien (that maybe it's better this way)

Before I know it my lips are on hers. And, oh, her lips are still the same. Soft. And so perfect. I kiss away her tears.

Don't cry, I tell her.
Ray…
It's okay. I try to be firm.
RAY!

I look at her. She's breathing hard. She shakes her head. Not now.
Why?
It's too fast. She looks torn.
I stroke her cheek. Soft.
It's not too fast. It took us too long to get here as it is.

Then she giggles. Giggles. Which makes me smile and she pulls me towards her bedroom.

het is al lang verleden tijd (it was a long time ago)
dat ik vergat hoe jij me zag (that I forgot how you saw me)
dat ik zo anders ben dan jij (that I'm so different than you)

I instantly smell Neela all over this room. It smells like strawberry shampoo and soap.
Her bed is big, covered in pillows and a soft pink comforter. I pull her to me and kiss her neck.

I missed this, I tell her. She just nods and mumbles something incoherent.

There are more pictures here. Of her family. Sam. And Abby. And Chuny. Everyone.
And then I see it. On her nightstand. A picture of me. A picture of us.

Tears stand in her eyes. And in mine. I kiss her again and we fall on the bed. Finally.

We'll finish this talk in the morning, I'm sure.

-FIN-

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