A/N: What you are about to read is totally random stuff that popped into my head. I think they're too short to be one-shots so I'm putting them all together. Hopefully you will find at least some of it funny.
Warning: Probable OOCness and random acts of hilarious insanity ahead! Read at your own peril!
DisclaimerMe: I don't own Yugioh!
Kaiba: Of course you don't. I do.
Me: What!
Kaiba: Don't make me repeat my self, pathetic moron. I bought rights to the entire Yugioh franchise. I already own Kaiba Korp. Soon I'll own everything! Then I shall take over the world! I'll be unstoppable! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (pauses to gasp for air) BWAHAHA….
Me: (looks at Kaiba strangely) But you aren't real. Your nothing but a two-dimensional badly dubbed teen CEO with negative social skills, an ego the size of a small continent, an adorable little brother that puts up with you for who knows why, lots of money, an obsession with trench coats and about a kajillion rabid fangirls. You are a figment of the imagination of Kazuki Takahashi.
Kaiba: (stops laughing and glares at me crazily) Your hocus pocus mind tricks won't work on me! When I own the world, you're fired! (resumes laughing manically and is lead away in a straightjacket)
Me: (sighs) Let the fic begin!
A Strange DeulYami glared at his opponent, who stands cockily before him. His features are obscured by shadows. He steps forward and a patch of sunlight reveals (insert dramatic music here)…. The face of Seto Kaiba!
"At last I shall finally defeat you Yugi."
"Not so, Kaiba! I trust my deck and the heart of the cards!"
"Get with the times you pathetic looser. The "heart of the cards" is soooo outdated. I trust in the force to guide me!" Kaiba pulls out a toy lightsaber that looks like a tiny blue eyes white dragonshooting a silver streak of lit up plastic out of its mouth. Kaiba spins around and swings the lightsaber, making weird sound effects as he moves toward his nemesis.
"BUZZ SHWISH ZOOM CRASH HUMMM ZZZT SWOOSH!"
Yami stares blankly at Kaiba like he had lost his mind. Kaiba steps up and bonks him on the head.
"OW! Hey, that's not nice. This is a kid's show! Oooo shiny stars!" Yami falls unconscious. Kaiba chuckles.
"I've wanted to do this for ages." He carefully slides Yugi's deck out of his deul disk. He searches through it and pulls out a card about 89.6 of the way through. It is the infamous Dark Magician! (insert more dramatic music here)
"Time to give Moto's signature monster a makeover." Kaiba pulls a blue eyes white dragon ballpoint pen from an inner pocket of his trenchcoat. He then very carefully draws a mustache, beard and glasses on the face of Yugi's monster. He cackles snidely, slides Dark Magician back into the deck and places the stack of cards back in the duel disk. He turns to stride confidently away and promptly steps on his trench coat, falling flat on his face. Panicking, he looks around to make sure no one saw him, scrambles up and walks very carefully away, in a slinking, very un-Kaibaish manner.
Flowers?Young Ishizu Ishtar sits on her bed in her room, reading a book. The cover reads 10 Easy Steps to Use in Case a Close Family Member's Psychotic Dark Side Goes Berserk and Tries to Take Over the World by Defeating Someone in a Silly Card Game That Has Absolutely No Influence in Reality .
"Whatcha doing big sister?" a cute five year old Marik asks, skipping through the doorway.
" Ummm nothing at all. Look! An eighth millennium item!" When Marik turns his head she quickly shoves the book under her pillows.
"I don't see anything."
"Erm, must have been a weird shadow or something. So what do you want?"
"I got something for ya! You are my favoritest big sister in the whole world, after all," replies Marik sweetly. He pulls his hands from behind his back and presents the girl with a wreath of beautiful flowers.
"Marik that is so thoughtful! Even though I'm your only sister," Ishizu squeals in delight. She puts the flowers around her neck carefully and takes a deep breath, inhaling their delightful scent. She bends down to hug her little brother, who wraps his tiny arms around her waist to return the embrace. (This is your cue to oooh and awe here people.)
"Hey, hold on here a second." Ishizu stands up suddenly and stares at the child. "Where the heck did you get flowers from anyway? We live, like, 52,689.745 feet below ground! In a tomb! In the middle of an Egyptian desert for crying out loud!"
"Uhhh" Marik stutters.
"How do you even know what flowers are? You've never been outside! I've never been outside! How do I know what flowers are?"
"Umm you saw them in a book, maybe?"
"That's impossible! All we have around here are those ancient scripture thingies, 10 Easy Steps to Use in Case a Close Family Member's Psychotic Dark Side Goes Berserk and Tries to Take Over the World by Defeating Someone in a Silly Card Game That Has Absolutely No Influence in Reality , Tombkeeping for Dummies , Guide to Tattooing and a book of directions to duel monsters. Come to think of it, how did we get that? According to the storyline I don't think the cards have been invented yet!" Ishizu paces across the floor nervously while continuing to rant.
"Umm maybe they got the script wrong. If we make too much of a big deal about it we'll ruin the plotline."
"Of course your right little bro. I'll stop now." They resume hugging and then turn to walk out of the room to do whatever it is that Tombkeepers do. Keep tombs I guess.
King of Games"Hey Yugi, can I play some games on the computer?"
"Sure Yami. I'll be in my soul room re-gelling my hair and working on homework. Do you know how to use the computer?"
"Of course. I've seen you and the others sit in front of this mindless machine for hours."
"All right. Yell if you need me."
Yugi suddenly grew about four and a half inches taller, his bangs stood on end and his eyes changed shape as Yami took over his body. The ancient spirit strode confidently over to the computer that sat on a desk in the far left corner of Yugi's room.
He stood in front of the monitor and stared at it for several minutes.
"Press the shiny green button labeled ON to turn it on, Yami."
"I knew that! I was just, uhh, thinking."
"Sure you were." Yugi's snicker worked its way from his soul room to the ears of the Pharoh.
Yami ignored his other half's jibe and sat down in front of the desk, and picked up the, oh what did they call it again? Rat? Squirrel? Chipmunk? No, those didn't seem right. Hamster? Nope. Gerbil?
"It's called a mouse Yami!"
"Yeah, a mouse. That was my next guess."
"Uh-huh." Yugi did not sound convinced.
Yami rolled his eyes and picked up the tiny electronic rodent, err, the mouse. He scanned the list of games on the desktop. "Minesweeper sounds interesting. Perhaps it will provide a small challenge to the King of Games," he murmured cockily. "Apparently you click on these small gray boxes and try to avoid the bombs. Sounds simple enough."
Click. Click. Click. "Hey Yugi!" he yelled through the mind link. "I think something is wrong with your rat thingy. It clicks instead of squeaking. Maybe you should take it to the vet."
"Yami, it is not a real mouse! It's a piece of metal and plastic and stuff. It isn't supposed to squeak. Duh!"
"Oh." Needless to say, Yami was not feeling like the smartest guy around at that moment. He went on merrily clicking away at the gray boxes onscreen.
"Okay, one more box and then I win!" The pointer poised on the screen and he pressed the button. Click. BOOM! The smiley face's grin at the top of the screen immediately drooped into a frown as it's eyes turned into little x's. "Oh my gosh I killed it! And worse, I lost the game!" Yami screamed. "Don't worry little friend. I shall avenge you!"
Yugi cautiously poked his head out of his soul room. "Is everything okay out there pal?"
Yami's eyes were wide and his hair stood on end (even more so than usual, I mean). "I… must… win…" he muttered, ignoring his hikari's query. "The fate of all smiley faces across the world rests on my shoulders. I… must … prevail."
Click. Click. Click. A bead of sweat worked its way from Yami's temple down the side of his face. Click. BOOM!
"Argh! Not again! Must restart!" His fingers feverishly raced across the keyboard as he brought a new game to the screen.
Click. Click. BOOM!
"NOOO!"
Click. BOOM!
"This is not happening. I seem to be getting worse at this. I must persevere!" Gee, this guy is pretty melodramatic huh?
Several grueling hours and countless pathetically lost games later…Cli-BOOM! Yami's eye twitched. This could not be happening to him. He was the King of Games. Loosing was not in his vocabulary!
"Well I guess it is now." Yugi was literally rolling around on the floor of his soul room with fits of uncontrollable laughter.
"You aren't helping any," Yami growled through gritted teeth.
Randomly Tristan Taylor walked into the room. "Hey Yugi, what's going on?" he lamely queried. Yami could only glare menacingly at him. "Playing minesweeper huh? Here, let me try." He pried Yami's cold, clammy fingers out of their death grip on the mouse. Yami looked on in shock as Tristan clicked merrily away, deftly avoiding all of the bombs.
"Bumm ba de de dum" the brunette hummed annoyingly as he continued the game. He even whistled the Yugioh theme song.
"I think this is the last one." The pointer hovered over a square towards the upper right corner. Time slowed to a crawl. Ccccllliiiccckkk. Yami waited expectantly for the telltale explosion. Instead a window popped up saying "Congratulations! You have a new record in HIGH SCORE for the expert level! Please enter your name."
"Cool," Tristan exclaimed as he typed in his name proudly. Yami banged his head against the wall in despair.
"Surely the apocalypse is coming!" he moaned in despair. "I am no longer worthy of the title King of Games! Here, take my role as main character. The fate of the world now rests on your shoulders!" Tristan stared at Yami and edged away from the deranged Pharaoh.
"Thanks, but no thanks Igottagobye!" he shouted and quickly dashed out of the door, slamming it behind him. "Man, that was weird," he thought to himself. "I almost got stuck saving the world from deranged psychopaths bent on taking our souls for some evil purpose or another! Whew."
Nothing else important happened except for this: THE END
A/N: (Hears cheers since the end is finally here) Glad you guys liked it so much! (dodges flying keyboards) Erm, well maybe not. Please review! I need all the help I can get (readers nod emphatically in agreement and immediately click on the review button.) Please tell me if you see any grammar/spelling errors too.