Jason's eyes opened and he stared into the darkness, he felt all alone. The alarm clock's neon green lights read 3 am. He turned to where Sam usually slept, but she was gone, just like every night. Every night at this time she would be gone and he knew why.
Getting up from the bed, he felt the same sadness she felt. His heart breaking with every silent step, he walked out of the bedroom and towards the room they had prepared for the baby. The baby that didn't get to live. The door was cracked and he could see Sam laying on the floor, the stuffed animal in her arms as she cried. Her body shaking and the tears running. He wanted to rush to her and cover her, shield her from the pain, but the pain would never go away. He heard her crying every night as she laid inside that room. His heart breaking knowing that he could never take that pain away. Unable to stare at her this vulnerable, he left. It hurt him to spy on her and invade her privacy, she obviously wanted to be alone.
He silently crept downstairs and pulled out a small blanket from the coat closet. A blanket that was hidden all this time. A blanket he got for the baby, but never saw it warm the precious body, nothing can warm that body. That dead body of a little child. He sat on the couch and cried his own set of tears. Tears that never seemed to go away no matter how hard he tried to push them. His eyes were red and his vision blurred, the pain he remembered. He remembered holding that little child, her body cold and her heart no longer beating. Kissing the frozen head. The thing he remembered the most was when he felt the child's soul leaving. He felt it leave.
He touched the baby's skin, cold and pale like a porcelain doll. She looked like she was sleeping. Wrapping his hands around her small naked body, he picked her up and brought her to his chest. He felt her presence around him. He felt her existence. Tears in his eyes, he felt as they slipped from his face and fell onto the beautiful body. The body which looked like it was only sleeping. Unconsciously, he grabbed a towel and placed it on her frozen body, there was something about keeping this innocent child warm.
And then he felt it. His heart ached as he felt warmth generate from the body. As he felt the wind kissing his face. The wind hugging him. Her innocent soul going toward heaven, where he would like to meet her again. The presence was gone. He felt empty and all alone. Breathless, he gasped for air as the tears came more and more. Death was never easy, especially the death of a child. He tried to tell himself that she was in a better place. That she was dancing on the stars with all the other little children, the little angels. But deep down he still felt regret.
Regret that the child will never swing on the swings in the park. The child will never blow the candles on her birthday cake. Instead her birthday will be spent at the cemetery mourning her loss. Regret that the child will never go out on her first date or get a first kiss. The child will never feel love and will never feel heartbreak. He will never walk her down the aisle to meet her loving groom. She will never wear her wedding dress. The little girl will never get a child on her own. She will never feel the joys of the baby kicking inside her, or seeing her baby for the first time. There will be so much she will never do. But in the end, she will never grow up, she will never breath, she will never sense, she will never LIVE.
His hands shook and he lifted her higher and lowered his own head. Touching her forehead with his lips, he kiss her goodbye. That was his way of saying goodbye. But he could never let go. He could never forget the pain in his heart of not feeling her heart beat. He placed her down onto her little bed where she laid like an angel. He didn't want to say goodbye, but he had to.
Jason's head sank into the blanket as he cried those tears.