Chapter Fourteen – Pansies, Guns and Possible Lawsuits
The shrinks let out a sigh of relief as they went in to shrink their last patients of the day. Inside the room, everyone sat down. Or tried to, anyway. In an office with only four chairs, seven people was a stretch. Britty ended up sitting on the desk, and Quatre sat cross-legged on the floor beside Duo, who was stretched out on his side with a magazine that looked suspiciously like the one Hideki had had in the waiting room. Mitzy, Chrissy, Heero, and Trowa took the chairs.
Britty started. "So, what's your problem, anyhoo, guys?"
The boys looked at each other. "Our girls think we have problems. Really, we're fine," said Duo, not looking up from the magazine.
"Well, what do the girls say is wrong with you?" Britty asked.
Quatre pointed at Duo. "They all say he has an obession with hair. And girls."
Duo glared and shot back. "Only my hair. And Hilde. And look who's talking, Mr. Oo-lookit-a-pretty-flower!"
"He just admitted it! He has an obsession! Shrink him! Shrink him now!" Quatre yelled, leaping up and pointing an accusing finger at Duo.
Chrissy, Mitzy, and Britty glanced at each other. "Okay, okay, don't worry. We'll shrink him. Just be patient, okay?"
Quatre pouted and sat down.
"Now, what's this 'pretty flower' thing Duo was talking about?" Britty asked.
"Flowers are cool," Quatre said, muttering. Duo snorted. Quatre stuck his tongue out at him.
Chrissy marked down 'Immaturity' on her list of problems.
"Flowers are nice," said Britty understandingly. "I really like roses. What about you? What flowers do you like?"
Quatre thought a minute. "I like roses, daffodils, pansies, tulips, morning glories, daisies, pansies, water lilies, day lilies, tiger lilies, pansies, irises, geraniums, pansies, chrysanthemums, carnations, and did I say pansies? I really really like pansies."
"Sometimes I think you're a pansy," Duo snorted. Quatre put his hands on his hips and stuck his tongue out again. To Chrissy and Mitzy he muttered, "He only wishes I was."
Duo jumped up. "I heard that! You're a dead pansy now!"
"I am not a PANSY, dead or otherwise!" Quatre said childishly, crossing his arms and looking quite petulant.
"There will be no dead pansies in this office!" Britty declared loudly. In the waiting room, snickering was heard again. Quatre and Duo practically fell over trying to get away from the PO'ed psycho.
"Now," said Britty, ignoring the startled looks of Chrissy and Mitzy. "Why don't we do word association?" The pilots agreed, none to happily.
"Family?"
Quatre shuddered. "Thirty sisters…"
"All my friends!" Duo jumped up and delivered a biiig group hug. "And Hilde," he added as an afterthought.
"Catherine, and my friends," said Trowa. "And Heavyarms."
"Ooh, ohh, and Deathscythe! I forgot Deathscythe!" yelled Duo. Chrissy and Mitzy looked at each other. If they had family named Heavyarms and Deathscythe, it was no wonder they had issues.
"I don't have a family," said Heero coldly. He was immediately glomped by everyone in the room, including the shrinks. "You poor thing!" yelled Britty holding onto his arm. "We're your family," said Quatre, clinging to his leg. "And Relena would murder you if she heard you say that," said Duo, perched on Heero's head. "We're here for you too!" Mitzy piped in, sitting on his left knee. "Yeah, we'll listen! We're good at listening!" said Chrissy on his right knee.
"Good. Then you can listen to this: Omae o korosu!" he yelled, jumping up and reaching for his gun. Which wasn't there. "What did you do with my gun!" he yelled, anger marks popping across his forehead.
Chrissy gave a nervous laugh and held up the gun, which she had pick-pocketed from him earlier. "You don't really need this do you? I mean, violence doesn't solve anything…"
"Better give it to him," said Duo. "He feels naked without his gun."
Mitzy gave a puzzled look. "He doesn't look naked…"
"I'M NAKED, ALRIGHT!" Heero yelled. "NOW GIVE ME THE GUN!"
From the waiting room, Flueky called out, "Should I call 911? I mean, if you've got naked guys with guns in there…"
Matt called out, "If you've got naked guys with guns in there, why was I not invited? I love guns!"
Heero snatched the gun from Chrissy's hand. They tussled over the gun until one of them, no one was sure which, managed to hit the trigger and blow a hold through the ceiling. A large chunk of ceiling tile fell and hit Duo in the head.
"Look, the sky is falling," he joked, then collapsed on Trowa, who was trying not to burst out laughing over the idea of shrinks counseling naked, gun-wielding people in their office.
"Um, next word?" suggested Britty, who was feeling very ignored. All the pilots turned to stare at her. Chrissy used the opportunity to take the bullets from Heero's gun, as well as the spare ones.
"HEY!" Heero yelled, startled. Chrissy, triumphant, pulled the box of ammo from Heero's pants. Britty and Mitzy stared, while Quatre and a still dazed Duo giggled. Trowa was curled into a ball in his chair, laughing hysterically.
Heero sputtered. "I want my lawyer! My shrink just groped me!"
"That was an accident! I was just trying to get the bullets!"
Duo snorted. "You don't have a lawyer. The last one quit after you shot him, remember. Besides, you can't be all that upset about being groped by a girl- well, unless you're a pansy," he smirked at Quatre.
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT HE KEEPS HIS BULLETS DOWN THERE!" Chrissy yelled. Suddenly, there was silence.
From the waiting room, Matt and Flueky asked simultaneously, "Down where?"
Chrissy put her head in her hands.
"Um," said Britty. "Maybe we should just skip the word association? Why don't each of you take turns and tell us about your life. Ok?"
Quatre started. "I had thirty older sisters who regularly used me as their dress-up doll. Not that it wasn't kinda fun, but I think they were trying to turn me into a girl."
"Why didn't you just let them? You'd make a great girl, Quatre," said Duo, trying to keep a straight face.
Quatre flipped him off. Everyone in the room gasped. Britty took Quatre's hand. "No, no, Quatre. A peace sign uses two fingers, see?"
Trowa giggled uncontrollably. Duo went next.
"Well, I lost my mom and dad, then I went to live in a church, which got blown up, and I became the god of death because everyone around me always dies."
Chrissy and Britty all laughed nervously.
Since Trowa was still unable to talk coherently, Heero went next. "I had a normal childhood of assassinating people and blowing shi-stuff up. Therefore, I have no problems."
"Uh-huh…" said the three shrinks in unison.
"I-I…hee-hee, I was f-fine…until I got here!" Trowa managed to choke out between laughs. "My o-only problem… is the giggles!" He burst out laughing again.
"Aren't ya gonna tell them about your sister and the lion and all that stuff?" Duo asked.
"There's nothing going on with me and the lion!" Trowa said.
"That's not what the show tigers said…" Duo said, looking innocent.
Trowa promptly dissolved into laughter again.
Chrissy and Britty looked at each other.
"I think you can go back now," said Britty. "We'll give you the results in a while."
Chrissy leaned over to Mitzy, who had dozed off sometime earlier. "CROTCH!" she yelled. Mitzy jumped about three feet and fell out of the chair. She giggled and looked at Trowa, who was also still giggling. They got up and followed the others to the door, laughing all the way.
Chrissy gave the door a push. "It won't budge," she said. Heero frowned. "Move," he said. Everyone got out of the way as Heero slammed his shoulder into the door, ripping it off its hinges. The door blew outward, squishing Matt and Flueky, who had apparently been eavesdropping on the session. The other patients, who had been listening in as well, ran for cover.
Matt sat up, looking dazed. "I don't see any guns…"
"Or naked guys…" added Flueky, sounding disappointed.
Chrissy shook her head. Britty glared at the eavesdroppers. "Nothing you heard leaves this building!" she said sternly.
"Yes, ma'am!" they all chimed.
Bonus Chapter - The Infamous Crotch IncidentChrissy: Hey, another omake!
Mitzy: Yup, and it's all about me…
Britty: I'm in here too!
Chrissy: Mitzy, why don't you tell it?
Mitzy: Well, it all started when…
(begin flashback sequence!)
(Mitzy, Chrissy, and Britty are walking down the stairs at their school on their way to lunch. For some unknown reason, they are discussing ways to fend off attackers.)
Chrissy: Yeah, I've always heard that you go for the eyes or the nose
Britty: Yeah, anywhere on the face.
Mitzy: Or the…
(cue teacher appearance at the bottom of the stairs)
Mitzy: CROTCH!
(cue teacher giving Mitzy a very funny look and the three shrinks giggling insanely)
(end flashback sequence)
Chrissy: Well, technically, Mitzy didn't yell it. But she sure did say it loud enough…
Mitzy: And we all died laughing.
Britty: I think the teacher thought you were some kind of creepy perv or something.
Mitzy: Are you suggesting I'm not?
Chrissy and Britty: o.O
Mitzy: Tee-hee, just kidding…
Chrissy: (to Britty) Remind me not to let her spend the night again.
Britty: Same here…
Chapter Fifteen – Deliver Us Some IssuesFinally, for the last time, the exhausted shrinks made their way into the waiting room. Each took a fair sized portion of the notes they had compiled on their patients. Mitzy went first, staggering under the weight of the papers.
"In no particular order," she announced, "the winners are…" Mitzy looked confused for a moment, then threw her Hottest Guy of the Month magazine, which had inexplicably worked its way into her papers, to the floor. Nuriko and Matt briefly fought over it. They both ended up with half of the second hottest guy.
Mitzy shook her head, then continued. "As I was saying, in no particular order, we will now tell you our analyses and suggest treatments if we deem them necessary. Or possible, for that matter."
"First," she read, "Sango and Miroku. Your problems aren't as severe as they could be. Sango, you seem to have no real problems except for a slight obsession with your missing brother. Miroku, on the other hand, is a womanizing freak."
The patients giggled.
Mitzy continued. "However, we think that that could be cured with some behavioral reconditioning. So, Miroku, each time you hit on a woman, Sango will zap you with this cattle prod."
Sango grinned darkly. Miroku backed away very slowly…
"Next," continued Mitzy, "mix on high for 30 seconds." Another puzzled look crossed her face as she tossed Flueky's cookbook to the side. "Ahem. I meant, Ed. Ed, you seem to have a cute- er, an acute- case of… I can't read that word…Short Man's Complex is what it is."
Ed's face twisted in anger as he leapt onto the receptionist desk and screamed something to the effect of, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE, YOU GIANT FREAKS OF NATURE!"
Mitzy looked at him calmly and added, "Not to mention a complete lack of anger control, and manners. We think it would do you good to spend some time in group therapy with the Munchkins from Oz."
Upon hearing the word Oz, all four Gundam pilots pulled their guns and leapt to their feet. Quatre slipped on a magazine and somehow managed to get his head stuck in the vase of flowers on the corner table. "OZ, where!" came a muffled shout from inside.
Mitzy shook her head. "Have you people never seen the movie- Oh, nevermind! Let me finish this, will you! And put down those guns!"
The gundam pilots sheepishly took their seats, except for Quatre, who decided it might be wise to sit still and not make any noise until Mitzy chilled.
"Anyway. Where was I? Oh, Ed. Right. I was kidding about the munchkins, but there is a very supportive bra- er…" Mitzy paused and tossed aside the Victoria's Secret catalogue, which Ishtar claimed for Duzell. Mitzy continued, "…therapy group for people such as yourself, who are vertically challenged. And I think we'll send you to some anger management as well."
Ed sputtered as Vord and Darres forcibly restrained him from attacking Mitzy.
"Next, we have Ishtar and her kitty, Duzell," Mitzy said, glancing at Darres, Vord, and Yujinn. "We have determined that Ishtar is fine, if a bit immature. Her cat has some issues though, starting with a taste for blood."
Chrissy looked at her bandaged hand, then glared at the smirking cat.
"Also, we have reason to think that Duzell-kitty is in denial over his sexuality."
"Mreeee-yow!" screeched Duzell, baring his fangs at Mitzy. Mitzy bared her teeth back at him. "You do," she said. "If you weren't at least bi, you wouldn't be watching guys in the shower."
Darres gave Mitzy a look that clearly said she was the one in need of shrinking. Yujinn shook his head. "I'd say the cat has more problems than denying he's gay if he likes watching human men shower."
"Yeah, interspecies relationships never work…" sighed Miroku. Sango zapped him. Vord nodded in agreement. "Yeah, it'sh a shame, awright…" Vord said, eyeing the cat. The very sexy cat, in his own opinion.
Mitzy composed herself and kept going. "Sooo, we think the cat should…"
"Have his teeth removed?" suggested Chrissy hopefully.
"…no."
"Be neutered?"
"No, that'd be more like a treatment for Miroku!" yelled Mitzy, throwing a vase at Chrissy. "Really, I don't know what to do! We shrink humans, not bisexual vampires who spend most of their time as women or felines!"
All the patients just sort of stared. Ishtar sweatdropped. "Heeheehee, aren't they crazy Darres?"
Darres nodded grimly. "Probably because you made them shrink your cat…" he muttered under his breath.
Mitzy finally sat down and Britty stood up.
"Let's see…I have Chi and Hideki. Hideki, as far as I'm concerned, you don't really have a problem. However, I have scheduled you for a weekend in the mountains with Chi." Britty winked.
Hideki promptly grabbed a tissue to stem the nosebleed at the thought.
"Then… We have…Daisuke and Satoshi. Daisuke, I think you're fine. Dark on the other hand, is a kleptomaniac. Good news is, I think we have something he can take for that." Britty winked. Dark grinned. "I'm way ahead of you," he said as he lounged in a chair and read what appeared to be Hideki's magazine.
"And Satoshi. It's tough to give an analysis without having spoken to your alter ego, but I think it might help to keep a nice straight jacket or exorcist around."
"And Nuriko…You seem to be suffering from some sort of post traumatic-type thing from the death of your sister. You just need to realize that you are a man and that no matter what you wear or act like, you can't become her. I think we'll send you to football camp to help you with that."
Britty took a seat, allowing Chrissy to take over.
Chrissy stood. "Looks like I've got the pilots," she said, looking over her papers. "Quatre? You seem to have a slight masculinity shortage and a flower fetish. Which is nothing that can't be fixed by spending a week at football camp along with Nuriko,' she said, grinning.
"And Trowa. First let me say I don't think you have any real psychological issues. However, I think a drug test would be a good thing, because I've never seen anyone laugh that much without having any drugs involved."
Trowa blinked and hid the bottle of pills he had been eyeing.
"And Duo…Well, you appear to be a healthy, hormonal teenage boy. Congratulations. Just don't let that get you into trouble, alright?"
Duo nodded and grinned, flipping through the magazine he had snatched from Dark.
"Heero. You're aggressive, antisocial, emotionally inept… In general, you really aren't good with people. I think you need to spend a week with Britty. If anyone can bring you out of that shell, she can," said Chrissy, grinning.
"Then…Raenef. I think you should go ahead and spend the a week with Nuriko and Quatre at the football camp as well," Chrissy said. "Eclipse, you should accompany your lord."
"And that's everyone," said Chrissy. All three shrinks gave mental sighs of relief (a/n: who can blame them, after writing 24 pages worth of fanfic, 33 in size twelve font).
"Be sure to tell us how it goes!" the shrinks chorused as the patients left.