Authors notes: Thank Goodness for Effingpot's. The story herein contains abuse of British slang, and probably horribly, bad abuse at that. By the way this is a Humor fic. Also I am including a description of both Jarveys and Kneazles as found on Mugglenet.
Jarvey XXX
This is a smallish mammal, which resembles a ferret, although it has the unusual ability of speech. It is useless trying to talk to a Jarvey, however, as it cannot hold a true conversation and limits its output to a constant stream of rude and abusive phrases. Jarveys eat rats, moles and voles, which presumably they insult before consumption.
Kneazle XXX
This is a cat-like creature, although it has unusually large ears and a lion's tail. It is intelligent and can be aggressive, although if it is attracted to a witch or wizard it can be domesticated and kept as a pet. Kneazles interbreed with Muggle cats, and Hermione Granger's pet Crookshanks is such a crossbreed.
Also please note that this story was written for a Challenge issued at the Hex Files a truly wonderful Harry/Draco centric Slash site.
August Challenge: Guidelines are brought to you by Ryeencoke. Thanks, Rye, for the idea! No word limit, but must be a one-shot (you can expound on it after the challenge, if you so choose). The last line of the challenge must read, "Shut up and kiss me." (Must be in quotes)
Rating: Ummm a really low T just cause we don't want the little nippers to learn any new insults or anything.
And now on with the story!
Of Jarvey's and Kneazle's
"Of all the dim, buggering, ideas to friggin come from that cracked head of yours, you blathering, ignorant, little, show-offy piss-ant…"
The ferret-like, caramel-coloured Jarvey had been going on like this for the past ten minutes and wasn't showing signs of stopping. He wasn't showing signs of repeating any insults either.
The Kneazle sitting in front of it, which was a very attractive calico colouration, merely yawned, twitched one oversized ear and swished his tail in an annoyed fashion.
"Don't twitch those freakishly large ears at me, you piss poor excuse for a Wizard!"
It had originally been Hermione's idea to take the potion, and it had been for an innocent enough reason. The four of them, Hermione, her boyfriend Ron, and Harry and his boyfriend Draco, had simply been trying to find out what animal they would most likely wind up with if they attempted to become an Animagus at this point in their lives.
"I'm telling you this cock up is all your bloody fault! You should just clear off you nesh twit! Oh what's the matter? Is the gormless wanker going to have a wobbler? I am just so brassed off at you right now, you bleeding git!"
The Jarvey stood in front of the Kneazle, his front paws on the knocked over bottle that the potion had been in so he could look the dang cat-like thing straight in the eyes. The Kneazle yawned hugely, at this, his tongue curling upwards in an adorable manner.
"If you think I am going to let you sleep through the rest of the time we're like this you must be off your trolley you naff sod!" The Jarvey hissed in his shrill voice. "Barmy is what you are."
The Kneazle stretched leisurely, then watched his left hind leg flex for a moment before bringing it up to scratch behind his ear, his eyes drifting closed in bliss.
"If you weren't so gagging to have people notice you, you would have realized that this entire pear shaped, duff is all cause of you." The Jarvey glared at the Kneazle for all he was worth, in reality it looked like he was falling asleep, but it was the feeling behind it that counts.
"You should just get stuffed, you daft tosser."
The Jarvey never saw the paw that sent him arse over elbow to the ground, but he did see the one that was planted firmly on his fuzzy little chest, holding him in place on his back. He also saw the tongue that was suddenly licking the fur on his face. He was mute for a few moments while this new sensation washed over him. Then he remembered himself. "Shite, you blooming, blinkard prat. You sad, potty, moronic…"
It was then that the potion chose to wear off for both boys. Wide, panicky green eyes stared up into cool gray, and Harry suddenly found himself babbling. "Oh God Draco I am so sorry, I didn't mean it, really I was trying to tell you something but everything that came out of my mouth was pants. Somewhere between my brain and the Jarvey mouth it got all botched. I don't remember anymore what I was going to say to you, but it wasn't what I said, I just wish I could figure out how it was that I couldn't control my mouth, I mean it's not like the Jarvey instinctively insults people is it? Maybe…"
Draco smirked sardonically down at his boyfriend not in the least bit concerned about either of their Animagus forms, they could try the potion again and see what they get in a few months, after all things, and people do change.
Harry was still talking though, something about how a Jarvey's insulting must be inherent in its makeup but how does it stay up with all the latest slang insults? Draco had to do something about that. He leaned forward and lightly licked his boyfriend's cheek. "Potter," he whispered into his boyfriend's still incoherently muttering mouth. "Shut up and kiss me."