Across the Disc in 7.9 leaps
Part 1b
Rincewind awoke. He was startled to find himself exactly where he had been the night before. All this falling asleep and waking up in the same place was starting to trouble him. No one had tried to kidnap him yet… something was wrong…he hadn't found himself in a single perilous situation for weeks, yet alone received any death threats…
He pushed this thought out of his mind, and took in the beauty of the forest. He looked up at the trees, and down at the bushes. Having taken in the limited beauty of the forest, he stood up and wandered aimlessly down a nearby path. He wasn't going anywhere in particular, but he would probably end up somewhere all the same. Paths had a nasty habit of doing that.
After a couple of hours the path turned a series of curves and probably doubled back on itself, although it didn't really matter. Rincewind hadn't found a way out of this forest in 3 weeks, and he didn't suppose that today would be any different.
"Hail, mighty wizard of Red, we have been awaiting your arrival."
Rincewind looked up to find a young man dressed as a knight. His green and yellow tunic was clean and pressed, and the helmet upon his head gleamed in a shaft of light. His shield was wooden with a coat of arms to match his tunic, and his scabbard was adorned with runes and other mystical looking symbols.
A second figure emerged rather haphazardly from the shrubbery. A large pair of wings protruded form its back, and it was dressed in a flowing many layered dress. The dress however, was caught in a bramble bush, and its owner was trying without much success to untangle it without ripping the delicate fabric to shreds. Eventually (and with only limited success with the untangling) it turned and a young woman's face looked back at him with large pale eyes. After a moment she spoke in a high quavering voice which she was obviously under the impression gave her a fantastical spiritual quality. In fact it gave her all the aura of a piece of soggy toast.
"We have waited since the rising of the sun over the rim. Your presence in our company is most welcome."
Rincewind blinked.
More people were emerging from the dense woodland around him dressed in clothes of varying degrees of shabbiness. Some were meant to look like knights or fighters, others like mages or sorcerers. Many held shield and bore weapons ranging from blunt spears to bows, swords to what some obviously thought were magical looking staffs or sceptres. They huddled together in a group and watched Rincewind with a disconcertingly amiable gaze.
"Umm…"
Several of the people had attempted to stick on pointy ears to look like elves, some with more success than others. Rincewind watched as the glue on one decided to give up and go out in style. The pointy ear slid silently to the floor, leaving its former owner with a rather lopsided expression.
"Umm…" said Rincewind again. He felt that something more was expected of him and added "Sorry to have kept you waiting."
Whether this sufficed or not he couldn't tell but it was irrelevant because at that moment a bedraggled form came crashing out of the bushes waving frantically for attention.
"They are here! They have come!" He paused for dramatic effect, or at least, would have done had there been effect worth pausing for. Seeing that there wasn't, he coughed instead before continuing, "Our enemy is upon us! I heard the footfalls of many coming this way with haste!"
"Make ready! We shall vanquish this evil! None can stand against the power of good!" cried the winged female.
Shouts of pride and bravery rang through the air.
Footsteps could be heard approaching through the undergrowth. The crowd fell still, waiting with baited breath for the incoming foe…
The bushed parted just in time to make way for a large oblong hurtling along on many little legs. As one being they all took several steps back as it skidded to a halt in front of them. Many apprehensive eyes darted quickly from the box, to the others and back again, each reluctant to make the first move.
"Our foe is arrived!" Screamed the bedraggled messenger adding in an undertone, "Nice costume by the way – Have at you foul creature!"
The spindly figure drew its sword somewhat shakily, and made a charge at the impassive object. As if a cloud of premonition had swept by, the others made a hasty retreat, bashing into one another in their haste to away.
From the centre of the bundle came the unmistakeable sound of a large wooden chest lid shut.
Every figure froze, and all eyes fell on the luggage. A large mahogany tongue extended from under the rim, and slid s-l-o-w-l-y along it so as to give maximum effect.
The legs retracted and the luggage lowered itself gently to the ground. There was a sigh as the collective breath of the crowd was released.
There was a rustle in the bushes behind them, and they whipped round panicking, but it was only the enemy.
"Oh, there you are. We've been looking for you!"
"Where have you been? We've been waiting around all morning for you lot to show up."
"Well, we're here now, shall we get on with this?"
"Yes lets. Will you do the honours?"
"Certainly. Ahem, LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!"
Ah, now this was more like it. Rincewind knew where he stood with dangerous situations, (usually a long way away). It was in normal situations that he was really in trouble, a couple even laughed nervously, in an attempt to break the atmosphere.
Dodging two knights caught in courageous combat, he walked over to the nearest climbable tree and promptly scrambled up it. After making himself comfortable in a forked branch, he sat back to watch the ensuing battle.
Oh dear…
It really was rather silly. Two exactly even teams would run at each other with wooden swords and axes, fake staves and wands, and try to harm their opponent (but not hurt them) and "kill" them. Occasional complaints and hurried apologies given to those lying "dead" and being trodden on could be heard above the mighty battle cries. A rubber suckered arrow flew into the wood beside him, failed to stick, and fell away with a sad pt-.
It was worse than he thought… Not only was it not the slightest bit dangerous, but the simple stupidness of the situation couldn't even make it normal. They had between them all the special awareness of a hermit crab attempting to squeeze into a shell three sizes too small. He might have been safe from blades and arrows, but nothing could save him from the random urges to be chivalrous, daring, and above all act like a complete twat.
He reacted in the only way he knew how: he tied his boot laces to the branch, closed his eyes and gibbered.
"I say, you're good at this aren't you."
Rincewind looked down into the appraising face of a young would-be mage.
"I haven't even hit you with a confundus charm yet!"
Rincewind was spared answering by the appearance of a second robed figure.
"Ah hah! The white wizard shall triumph! Evil will not prevail!" Cried the cream dressed "wizard" adding "Hazah!" before hitting the first mage on the head with his staff.
"Ow, that hurt you know."
"Sorry, got a bit carried away there."
"Well there was no need to go hitting me with the bloody staff."
"I'm sorry."
"You are forgiven." Replied the first mage, "Shall we continue?"
"Yes, where was I? Ah yes, evil shall not prevail!"
"You shall yield or be destroyed!"
I shall cleanse you with a mighty blast of my stave!"
"Ha! You powers are useless! Have protection against all your spells."
"I say, that's not fair. You can't have protection from all spells."
"I can if I like."
"No you can't, it's in the rules!"
"I don't remember reading anything about it."
"No, I distinctly remember reading that it is not allowed-"
Rincewind returned to his quiet gibbering for a while. After ten minutes or so he risked his sanity again and stopped. The two mages were now arguing over who had hit who with which spell first.
"Look, I hit with a confundus charm, you can't say spells through that!"
"No, I'm certain I hit you with a fireball before that, which should have knocked you back. You can't cast spells then either."
"No, your fireball was definitely after my confundus charm so-"
"Hazah!"
"Hey that's not fair! I was talking!"
"So, you didn't block the spell did you, so you're dead now."
"But…" The younger mage gave up and fell down dramatically, allowing the white wizard to skip off gleefully having bravely dispatched his foe.
Rincewind watched him breath for a while before asking:
"So you're dead now then are you?"
"Yes," came the grudging reply from below.
"I see… What's it like?"
"Rather dull really, I always get killed, it's so unfair."
"Ain't life a bitch?"
"Well, not really… I'd say more of a sparrow… free, gliding on the wind…" he sighed wistfully.
"I'll leave you to your death then," replied Rincewind untying his bootlaces and lowering himself from his perch. He hung for a moment by his fingers, had a distinct feeling of déja vous, and let go.
"I say, um I don't suppose you have erm, a resurrection spell you could use on me do you? Being dead is such a drag."
"No sorry, I'm afraid I don't have one handy."
"Oh, ok. Thanks all the same."
This forest really is rather dull, Rincewind thought as he trudges through yet another holly bush growing inconveniently where he wanted to walk. Selfish bushes he added irritably. Well he had succeeded in one thing. He was bored. Completely and utterly bored.
Of course he was happy to be bored. After all this adventure he was more than happy in fact... ecstatic for want of a better word.
…It's just being bored is simply so… he sought for words whilst half heartedly kicking a nearby root…boring.
"Hey no kicking! How would you like it if I lashed out at you?"
Rincewind stopped and stared straight ahead. "Trees don't talk" he said out loud to the world in general, as though hoping it might catch the hint.
"Glad to see you've got a brain in there."
He found his legs rotating him to face the source of the voice without his permission. The tree stood there and slowly photosynthesised in front of him.
"Up here idiot."
His gaze travelled up and came to rest upon a small weasely looking creature – a ferret.
"Pft, talking trees," it said eventually when he had noticed, "What do you think this is some sort of magic forest?"
"I suppose you're some sort of tree spirit then are you? Something sent to intervene with my fate and cause problems." He sighed heavily and sat down on a nearby rock. "Why can't you lot just leave me alone? I was perfectly ok until Fate noticed me and now I can't do anything without something strange or dangerous happening! So thanks, but no thanks. I have no need for any more Fate for today; he can bugger off and play with someone else for a while, I've had enough! Now piss off before I throw a stone at you."
"Keep your hat on wizard; I was only going to tell you the way out of the forest. And I'm not a tree spirit thank you very much."
"What are you then? No, don't tell me – you're just a perfectly normal talking ferret."
"Precisely."
"Well I don't want to go anywhere. Whenever I go somewhere something bad or exciting or adventurous happens. No I think I'll stay here thank you."
"Suit yourself, but you might want to move. Trolls don't much like being sat on."
Rincewind's heart missed a beat, while his stomach was busy sinking fast. On the other hand, there were plenty of other places to sit and do nothing. He could do with a change of scenery… preferably one with less sit-uponable rocks…
"I s'pose I could do with a change. This forest all looks the same. Where will I end up if I leave it though?"
The ferret shrugged. "Beats me, but you won't be here."
Rincewind weighed this up. He could end up anywhere but he would, more importantly, be away from here.
"Alright then, how do I get out of here?"
"How did you get here?"
"I don't know, I just walked into it."
"Then go back the way you came."
Rincewind glared.
"That's it? That is your wise knowledge? "Go back the way you came," well thank you all knowing furry sack of marbles, I would have never have thought of that! What do you think I've been trying to do for days! This bloody wood goes in circles, there is no "back the way you came!" "
"You really are a complete idiot," replied the ferret with the air of one commenting on the weather. "You can't just walk paths backwards, that'll just take you in another direction."
"What do I do then?"
"I would have thought that was the simple bit," it eyed Rincewind critically, "But obviously not. Stand up."
Rincewind obliged.
"You might want to close your eyes," continued the rodent coolly, "It tends to upset people if they see what happens."
"What and let you scamper off leaving me looking like an idiot with my eyes closed waiting for a troll to wake up? No hank you, I think I'll keep my eyes open."
"Suit yourself. Take a step backwards."
Rincewind moved his foot and immediately felt the earth shudder horribly beneath him. The forest jerked and slewed sickeningly. He brought his foot forward again hurriedly, collapsed and clutched his throbbing head to prevent it turning inside out.
"I told you to close your eyes," came a cheerful voice from above him. "Do it properly this time, finish the step, and good luck."
"Good luck?"
"Oh didn't I tell you? It doesn't always want to work. It's been a bit temperamental lately."
"Oh, well thank you for telling me!"
"You're welcome."
Rincewind got to his feet again. The sun was sinking slowly, the shadows lengthening…rocks creaking. He took a deep breath and grabbed the rim of his hat for support before closing his eyes and stepping backwards a pace.
The ground buckled and twisted, lurched and jolted, before disappearing entirely. Rincewind panicked, not daring himself to look. He pulled his hat down harder over his lead head, his stomach churning horribly.
Without warning the ground made an appearance again. He stumbled and fell, curled up into a ball and lay very still. After a while, in which nothing happened, he convulsed and pulled himself to his knees.
Anyone watching would have seen him struggle for some time, attempting to remove his hat from his head. Eventually he succeeded and promptly emptied his stomach violently in front of him.
As it turned out, someone was watching him…lot of someones…
--------------------------------------------------
Note from auther: Please R&R
Up to this point took 2 years of on and off writing, so don't expect updates too often (for some reasonI only tend to write this during exam revision...) However I do intend to finish this story. How,I dont know,I never do. But considering this whole thing was inspired by watching a woodlouse at 4 in the morning, goodness knows where the idea will come from...