Author: Aiseki Anrui
Summary: Arjuna Set to the song Aadat by Jal, this is a look into Chris' feelings for Cindy and the distraction, torment, and happinessshe brings to him.
Disclaimer: Shoji Kawamori owns Arjuna. I'm not Shoji Kawamori. I'm not even Japanese. How can I possibly own Arjuna? And respectively, the song Aadat is by Jal. I'm not a member of Jal, I'm not from Pakistan, and I don't speak Hindi. Therefore, I don't own this beautiful song, now do I?
Aadat : Habit
Na janay kab say……
Umeedain kuch baaki hain……
Aadats. Habits. They are bad things, unhealthy things, behaviors that we must try to break. Aadats are inclinations, tendencies that one continues to have every day. They are things that one retains and keeps a hold of, almost impossible to get rid of, almost impossible to let go. Habits are things that must be stopped at all costs, discontinued at the earliest opportunity. ….. But, should she be discontinued? Is she really…..bad?
Mujhe phir teri yaad……
Kyun aathi hai………………
Na janay kab say………………
I… I somehow doubt that I could stop being with her, even if I tried. She's a cornerstone, a column, the foundation of my life. She is everything that I am, and need. She is what keeps my life stable, and whole. Without her supporting my life, the columns of my existence would come crashing down. My whole being would collapse without her support, her strength, her love. But…….she is a habit. And habits, are supposed to be bad. Aadats, are supposed to be broken.
Duur jithna bhi tum mujh se………
Paas teray mein…………
Ab tho aadat si hai mujh ko aisay jeenay mein………
She's always been there. For years now, she's been by my side, and always in my mind. Every thought that I have, has her in it, and everything I do, is for her own good. On the top of my thoughts, she's always there, dancing through them like the crimson whirlwind she is. Sometimes, it's so bad, I can't even think straight, can't even concentrate on what I'm doing. It takes all of my concentration, all of my years of accumulated will, to blot her out, to banish her from my mind. And even when I do, she's never really gone, just dancing on the edge of my thoughts, just waiting for the perfect moment to waltz through again. She is a habit. One, that desperately needs to be broken.
Zindagi say koi shikwa………
Bhi nahin hai……………………
Ab thoh zinda hoon mein iss neelay assman mein………
It is at times like this, that I irregularly wonder why she's here. It is simple of course; I found her, I saved her, I cared for her and loved her when no one else could. When the world had forgotten her, abandoned her, thrown her away into the bottomless pit of sorrow and tragedy. But it was I who found her, unearthed this buried treasure, and polished her for the world to see. And to repay me, she's here. No matter where I am, however far I go, she's always by my side. She won't dance away, going off to find a new life, a new world. No, she would rather stay here, and dance through this small world of ours and back again, never wishing to leave, never dancing far from me. It is almost as if I am an aadat myself.
Chahat aisi hai yeh teri………
Barr thi ja-ay……………………
Aahat aisi hai yeh teri……………
But, no matter how much she occupies my thoughts, when she is near, it is even worse. She's always larger then life, her lithe frame taking up the entirety of my vision. When she is here, with me, she closes my senses off, leaving them open only to her. All I can hear is her sweet voice- for I am deaf to all other music. All I can smell is her flowery scent- for I cannot smell any other perfume but hers. All I can see is her face- for I cannot see any other beauty but hers. All I can touch is that velvety skin- for not even the moon rivals its smoothness and luminescence. And all I can taste when she is near is her lips, petal-soft that taste of the lotus. She blinds my five senses as easily as she would wrap a blanket. Cloaking me in her presence, she unintentionally cuts of any connection I have with the rest of the world, and creates one where only she and I, exist. But to let her do this to me is a habit, and all aadats must be broken.
Mujh ko satha-ay………
Yaadain gehri hain ithnee………
Dil doob ja-ay………………………
Aur aanjhon mein yeh ghum num bun ja-ain………
I am not completely without restraint. There are times when I send her away, attempting to distance myself from her, a feeble effort to try and break my habit. I can sense her sadness, her inner hurt, at leaving, but she always acquiesces, always wanting to please, and so away she goes. The first minutes are fine. My senses return to normal. Once again I can smell air and earth, once again I can hear the wind and waves. Once again I can see the beauty of the earth, once again I can touch the finest things, and feel them against my skin. And once again, I can taste the richest foods, for in those few minutes, her spell is broken upon me. But once that small time is up, her countercharm begins its work. I start to miss her, pine for her, regretting that I sent her away. Still, I try to resist her pull, that gravitational force, and I turn my mind to other things. But no matter what I do, no matter what I think, she is always there in my mind, resurfacing in my thoughts no matter how many times I try to purge her from my consciousness.
Ab tho aadat si hai mujh ko aisay jeenay mein………
Soon, my pining changes from a small itch into stabbing pain. A sickness that has only one cure, a biting wound that only she can heal. My hands begin to shake, my head starts to ache with tireless thoughts of her that keep on dancing through my brain. Soon, my wound grows almost fatal, and I feel as if I will die if she is not returned to me. My pining turns to painful longing, my longing into anguished yearning. The minutes that pass by drag on like a thousand years of excruciating torment, of torturous heartbreak. My mind begins to scream in agony, my yearning transforming into actual physical pain, the kind that grips my stomach and ties it into a thousand knots. And then soon the pain- I can't bear it anymore, it's far too much. And so I call her back, and, dashing, she comes. In an instant, all wounds are healed, all hurts are mended. Her mere presence ceases the torture of my heart, and calms the tempests of my mind. She is a habit that will fight for continuation. She is an aadat that refuses to be broken.
Sabhi raatein hain………
Sabhi beatein hain…………
She doesn't know what she does to me. She has no idea her effect on my mind, my body, my soul, my sanity. My aadat is blissfully ignorant of the distraction she causes with her presence, the torment she ignites with her leaving. All she knows is that she loves me, and hopes to God I love her back. She can never know the pain she causes me, mentally or otherwise. If she did, my aadat would never forgive herself, and would continuously torture herself with the guilt of that knowledge. It would tear her apart, consume her from within, for she lets herself be affected by silly things like guilt far too much. And if she did know, the guilt would most certainly be misplaced, as it is my fault. I have never been good with breaking habits. Somehow, no matter what I do, they are always retained.
Bhula do unhay…………
Mita do unhay……………
I have tried. I have tried to break this, I have tried to free myself from whatever bond is holding me to her. But can't. It will forever be an unsuccessful attempt, a fruitless endeavor. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I pull away, my aadat will always follow me, always dance around me over and over. Her features will always cloak the world in darkness, leaving her as the only light. My aadat will always be first in my thoughts and dreams, before everyone or anything else. She will always be the reason for my happiness, and she will always be the cause of my inner pain. No matter wherever I go, however far that I run, she will always be with me, she will always by my side.
Ab tho aadat si hai muji ko………
She is my aadat, and I will never let her be broken.
Author's Note: This story isn't exactly a fanfic I guess, as no names, places, or themes are mentioned at all. You could read this and think it original fiction, ne? I actually x-posted this on FictionPress because of it. However, if you read between the lines, you can catch hints that it's Chris and Cindy (i.e. her hair, the vague hints at her past), but it's a bitindistinct, I know. I meant it to be.And as for the song, Aadat (which translates to Habit in English) isa song by the Pakistani band Jal (which means water), and is sung in Hindi. I have a penchant for including Hindi words, and cultural things from India and Pakistan in my Arjuna fics, as per the obvious origins that Chris has there. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, email me and I'll send you my essay on Chris Hawken's real origins. He was not born in the Philippines. Cindy was lying.But anyhow, I'm rambling. I hoped you like it, and to get the feel for the story, I highly suggest you go download an mp3 of Aadat by Jal. It's definately worth it. Trust me.