Chapter five

When they arrived at Hogwarts the all took their seats in the Great Hall as the first years were ushered in and called up one by one to sit on a stool that alternated between three and four legs, occasionally causing one of the children to fall over and be shamelessly laughed at by the rest of the students in the hall resulting in lowered self-esteem, weaker targets for bullies and upset tummy. Harry and companions sat down side by side at the table and watched boredly as their inferiors clattered to the floor over and over.

"Bumm, Watta." McGonagall called. Watta Bumm sat on the stool. SMACK!

"Reel, Thad-Kent B." Thad-Kent B. Reel sat on the stool. PLOP!

Naweh C. Sa Vergen sat on the stool. SPLAT!

And more eleven-year-old, overly intimidated kids sat on the stool, resulting in resounding BOOM, CRASH, BAM, SLURP, POP! and KABAM!s.

Ron was inspecting each new student with a relish. And a dab of mustard here and there too. He was somewhat pleased by the turnout, Usually the newbies were quite dull, but then again, it might just be the mood that he's in because he gets to wear Hermione's school rones which are pretty comfy. And as he sat there, mindlessly checking out the arses of both female and male eleven-year olds in a very Jackson-like manner, he couldn't help but wonder why women get all the comfortable clothing in life. And he's sorta right, you know? I mean, honestly, the women get to wear thongs no problem because that's hot, but a guy in a banana hammock is just kinky. That's not right, Ron thought, and I, for one, am not going to just sit here and let this injustice pass!

"It's not right!" he yelled to the suprise of the Creevey brothers on either side of him who quickly halted the massaging of his thighs(which, by the way, is by no means obvious slash), "No woman wearing a thong is labeled kinky, why should we be! Can we really let this go undefended? Can we really let this wrong let never to be made a right? NO! We shall stand today and fight for the rights of built-in-wedgies! Say it with me! If fanny floss is good enough for females, it's good enough for my assets!"

And The Creeveys on his sides stood. As did Harry and Crabbe and Dean, too. And then Draco Malfoy stood, resulting in every other Slytherin standing. And soon they were all chanting(in a tone that would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up), "If fanny floss is good enough for females, it's good enough for my assets!" And before long there was a very '04 Super Bowl-like controversy that resulted in Ron being(much to Filch's delight) chianed up by his ankles in the dugeons beofre he could stuff his face and, as tradition, speak through his poataoes only to repeat his words in a minute because they were simply undecipherable. Yeah, this sucks potatoes.

"This could complicate our plan a bit." Harry whispered in a quite loud whisper(so she could hear him over the Creevey's sobs) to Hermione.

"No, not really," she responded, "I've read a book on this once. It was called How to Free One of Your Best Friends From the Clutches of the Quite Mad and Somewhat Horny Caretaker in Order to Sneak Out of School After Hours and Buy New Robes and Other Assorted Naughty Items or something like that."

"Oh, sound interesting, maybe you could lend it to me sometime." he whispered to her seductively.

"Oh, Harry," she whispered in a similar tone, "You know how much I love to loan my books to you, but I'm afraid that this one's in the restricted section."

"But, Hermy," he lowered his face so it was inches from her's, "You told me that nothing was restricted."

"Oh, I did, didn't I? Well then, I can't break a promise, I'll have to show it to you sometime. But tonight, tonight we have to rescue Ronnie."

"God, Herm," Harry stood up, knocking heads with her as he did, "How come everytime things get naughty between up you bring Ron up? Why? Am I not good enough? It's the scar isn't it? Well Trublend doesn't work, what do you expect me to do? I can't go for cosmetic surgery after what happened to Ron! I do not want to be locked in a motel room with a surgeon." he shuddered at the thought and sat down again. Harry realized right then that every person, creature and construction worker in the Great Hall was staring at him. He quickly stood up and yelled to a house elf in the corner, "The Jello Steak and Kidney Pie was fantastic!" Before sitting down and noticing Hermione rubbing her head where he knocked into her.

"Sorry." he mumbled.

"It's alright," she said, "Sometimes I'm jealous of Ron too."

"Really?" he asked her.

"Sure," she looked suprised at his obliviousness to the last five years of suffering she had sat through, "Well there was the first time, when you two shared, like, half the stuff on the sweets cart together on the train, and then there was the time when you were about to sneak out with Neville to go meet two other guys in the trophy room and then there was the time when you guys went into the forbidden forest together and came out in a battered up old car, I mean you never brought me into the backseat! And then the time you two took Lockhart down into the Chamber and wrestled with a giant snake and then there's all the time you're in Divination without me and then there's the whole quidditch thing, all that time you spend in the locker room and you spend half his time on a broomstick practicing on your's because it's faster! Plus you sleep in the same room everynight!"

"Buy, Hermy," Harry reasoned, "When we went back in time in the third year we hid in a broom closet together and rode on a hippogriff together. Was your pelvis rubbing against the back of my arse on a giant bird/horse/lizard not enough for you?"

"Well," she smirked, "I guess that was a bit good."

"Yeah?" said a drawl from behind Harry, "But what about me, Potter? How come I never get to rub my pelvis on you?"

Harry turned around to see platinum blonde hair falling in the eyes of a sweaty, shirtless Malfoy because, hey, this is fan fiction, baby, and if Draco's wearing a shirt in your story then you've got issues.

"Youre planning to sneak out aren't you?" he drawled twisting his body around seductively in the candlelight and Hermione saw a bit of drool leaking out of the corner of Harry's mouth.

"Yeah, you wanna come?" he asked.

"Come with us, you mean," Hermione added, quickly catching the inuendo with her intense intellectual abilities, "Come with us to Diagon Alley after dark."

"Yes!" Harry screamed. Draco continued to twirl, the Creeveys stopped crying.

"There'll be Mission Impossible music." Hermione added.

"Sure." Draco said, tilting his head the opposite way of his torso, "I'll come."

Harry giggled. Screw Ron, Malfoy's topless.