Comment ca va? Moi? Tres bien! Amsterdam est magnifique!
Okay, enough French! My brain hurts! I sure hope you're exercising your own French skills in Quebec. Culinary camp my derriere. You're cruising the streets for sexy French-Canadians! We'll swap our tales of international love and intrigue back in Stoneybrook.
Kiss-Kiss,
Greer
How would I describe Amsterdam? Fabulous. Spectacular. Extraordinary. Or, as I overheard Mallory say, freshly acute. (I assume that's a good thing). Word choice doesn't matter. I'd had non-stop fun since arriving in Amsterdam. Armed with IDs of questionable authenticity, Alan and I were spending all our time in the Red-Light district. Sex museums, nightclubs, adult-only stores. We were having a blast.
When I first met him, I thought Alan to be a giant pain. What sort of freak travels to Europe in a dog carrier? Quickly, it became apparent that Alan had an imagination and flair for the dramatic - two things seriously lacking in Verbruggenhuis. No offense to Shannon - she is my best friend, after all - but her babysitting friends were...not what I expected. For the most part, they were nice enough girls. (I'd rather not acknowledge Dawn's existence, thank you very much). I just didn't have anything in common with them. They may be excellent babysitters and businesswoman, but truthfully, they're a little immature.
For example, Kristy and Abby wouldn't stop using the banister as a pull-up bar, Jessi inexplicably turned into a Jamaican, Mary Anne cried more than I thought humanly possible, I don't even know what to say about Mallory, and Stacey...dear Lord! Was I the only one concerned that she'd been missing since Monday?
Is it any wonder I preferred the company of Alan? At least he was spontaneous and adventurous. I could overlook all the bowing and "milady" talk. Although, I hadn't figured out what was up with the yellow M&Ms.
Wednesday night, we decided to hit a club in the Red-Light district called Hotel Deconstruction. In Stoneybrook, Shannon and I had coordinated a fake ID operation with Claudia and Stacey. (I love when Shannon agrees to be bad!) Shannon assured me that Claudia and Stacey were the clubbing type. I knew we'd have a fab time.
Shannon and I got our IDs from my cousins Harlow and Fontaine. We paid a steep rental fee for them, too. They were worth every penny. And, they made us twenty and nineteen. As long as I straightened my auburn hair I almost became Harlow's twin. And, if Shannon used enough violet eyeshadow and Aqua Net she really bore a striking resemblance to Fontaine.
"Where did you get this, Alan?" Anna asked, studying Alan's fake ID.
"Pete Black and I made it at Copy City,"
"No kidding. Your photo's glued on," Anna replied. "And, it says your name is Pennyweather Macintosh."
Alan grinned and slipped the ID into his wallet.
We were gathered in the kitchen eating a quick dinner of peanut butter sandwiches and apple juice. Standing (or sitting) around the kitchen was myself (of course), Alan, Shannon, Anna, Mallory, and Mallory's strange new friend. Mary Anne and Tiffany had gone to dinner with Dawn and her new friends. (Why Mary Anne and Tiffany would subject themselves to such torture is beyond me. There's something not quite right about that Mary Anne girl). When Mary Anne and Tiffany returned, they - along with Anna, Mallory, and Mallory's friend (Gerturdie? Galena?) - were going to the cinema to see Cam Geary's latest movie. It was dubbed in Dutch. (Yawn. I saw it months ago in the correct language).
Claudia was still upstairs putting together whatever mismatched creation she considered appropriate for clubbing. Shannon and I kept our outfits simple and functional. We wore tight-fitting black pants with thin tank tops that crept (quite provocatively, I might add) up our stomachs. Mine was olive green (fab for auburn hair), Shannon's was a pale carnation pink (not so fab for her complexion, in my opinion). We even wore matching shoes - black slip-on wedge sandals with knotted straps. Shannon had her always fluffy hair fluffed even higher and glued into place with an entire can of hairspray. My own hair was pulled high on my head in a tight ponytail. (Don't even ask how long it took to straighten it). I wrapped a black scrunchie around the ponytail and sprayed my hair with silver glitterhairspray. I wanted to sparkle under the strobe lights. We completed our outfits with some giant silver hoops and bangles I stole - er, borrowed -from Stacey.
Shannon and I were ready to rock and roll.
"We look pretty close, don't we?" I asked, as Shannon and I flashed "our" IDs around the kitchen.
"Yes, except Shannon could have gotten a little more height on her bouffant. It's out of the frame in this photo," replied Anna.
Shannon cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes.
"You guys! We're going to miss the coming attractions," whined Mallory. "That's so stale!"
Just then, Dawn walked into the kitchen with two other girls. I did a double take. One of them looked exactly like Dawn! Ugh. I was having enough trouble getting the original Dawn out of my life. I couldn't deal with another.
"Hey girls," greeted Dawn. "And Alan. And Greer,"
I rolled my eyes.
"These are my new earth-conscious non-carnivorous friends, Suzanne van Dort," Dawn gestured to the small brunette. "And Johanna van Rijn," Dawn gestured to her clone. "We're having our meeting here tonight. Johanna's grandparents are having a mahjongg party. And, Suzanne's family is having a...uh..."
Suzanne blushed slightly. "Barbecue," she squeaked. Her embarrassment was short-lived. She sniffed the air. "I smell aerosol hairspray."
Dawn nudged her with an elbow and nodded toward me. "That's her," she hissed.
Suzanne and Johanna nodded, knowingly. I rolled my eyes. Then, I noticed their outfits. "Are you going to a disco?"
All three glanced down at their matching ivory zip-up jumpsuits.
"We bought them at the flea market," Dawn explained. "We're all very earth-conscious,"
"You said that already," I replied.
Dawn glared. "Unlike some people, we don't believe in wasting fabric, no matter how unattractive. It all deserves a chance to be worn and admired,"
"If it's unattractive, who's going to admire it?" asked Mallory.
I snorted. One point for the frizzy-headed nerd!
Dawn didn't have a "snappy" reply, so Suzanne threw a fist in the air. "Nature first!"
I yawned.
"You are wearing polyester," observed Mallory's friend.
Dawn and her friends glared at us, then stormed out of the room. But, not before Johanna muttered "flesh eaters" or Suzanne threw another fist in the air and shouted, "Live green!"
Mary Anne and Tiffany passed them in the doorway. "Sorry, I had to change," apologized Mary Anne, pointing to her periwinkle t-shirt. It was covered in white ribbons and puff-painted kittens. "There was an...um, accident at dinner. Does pear juice stain?"
"Who are you?" Tiffany asked Alan.
"Er...we met him on the tram," answered Shannon. "He's from...Pennsylvania,"
"Intercourse, Pennsylvania," Alan added.
"You aren't Amish," replied Tiffany.
"Oh, Intercourse isn't strictly Amish," said Mary Anne. "Amish farms surround the village, but regular folk live in the village itself. Formerly known as Cross Keys, the village was founded in 1754, but the name..."
She was interrupted by a noise on the other side of the kitchen door. Claudia called out, " Guys! Wait til you see my outfit! It's the chilliest Kishi original yet!"
Shannon, Alan, and I groaned. Anna smirked. Mallory looked dismayed.
"Claud's a dibble and eclectic dresser," she protested.
"Here I come!" shouted Claudia. She jumped through the doorway. "Ta da!"
Everyone gasped. Shannon, Anna, and Tiffany's hands flew to their mouths. Mallory gave a standing ovation. Her friend appeared completely horror-stricken.
Claudia stood before us, an expression of triumph across her face. She wore a pair of shredded jean short shorts. So shredded, her American flag patterned bikini underwear were visible. Her "shirt" was an American flag patterned bra, which was worn under a shredded jean vest. Her shoes were clunky read plastic heels that lit up when she walked. Her hair was pulled into pigtails and tied with silver, red, and blue Christmas tinsel.
Claudia spun around to reveal a sequined American flag on her butt. The back of her vest had an elaborate (and perfect) recreation of Uncle Sam. His top hat had a real red, white, and blue pinwheel attached to it.
"Beautiful," sighed Mallory.
Claudia slapped her right butt cheek. The pinwheel started spinning, Uncle Sam's bow tie lit up, and The Star-Spangled Banner drifted out of her shorts.
"Your butt plays music. That's impressive," said Anna.
"There are no words," whispered Alan.
Claudia beamed.
"Um...everyone ready to go?" I asked.
"I've got my dancing shoes on," answered Claudia, moon walking across the floor. "I just wish Stacey could come. I found her ID in her suitcase." Claudia held up the ID.
Alan snatched it away. "Dude! This looks professional!"
"Alexander Kurtzman did an excellent job," Claudia agreed. "It's an exact replica of his sister's Boston College ID."
Mary Anne raised an eyebrow. "Alexander 'Obey the Rules' Kurtzman?"
Claudia nodded. "They made a deal. She's tutoring him,"
"In the summer?" replied Shannon.
"Let me see that," Tiffany grabbed the ID from Alan. "This looks like me. I can be Stacey. I'm going with you."
Shannon chuckled. "No, you aren't. Stacey's ID says she's eighteen. You're eleven!"
"And you're thirteen!" snapped Tiffany. "I'll dress up. If you don't let me come, I'll tell Mom where you're sneaking off to."
Shannon glowered at her.
I shrugged. "Let her come. She won't get in. She'll just have a lonely tram ride home."
Tiffany smiled smugly at Shannon. "Just let me change!" She ran from the kitchen.
Alan clapped his hands together. "Well, well, we have quite the group together! A couple sexy cousins, Uncle Sam, and an eleven year old. Oh, gods of chaos, how will this night end?"
Shannon glared, first at me, then at Alan.
Ten minutes later, the five of us were seated on a tram headed for the Red-Light district. Alan and I sat together facing Shannon, Tiffany, and Claudia. Shannon tried to put some distance between herself and Claudia, but only succeeded in getting stuck beside a large Samoan in a kilt.
"I forgot to show you all my fake ID!" exclaimed Claudia.
"Shhh!" scolded Shannon.
Claudia didn't notice. "I got it from my sister, Janine. It's her school ID card," Claudia told us, digging in her back pocket.
"Isn't your sister in high school?" asked Alan. "She did a History Day project with my cousin Mena last fall."
"Cheese on a cracker, Alan! I'm not stupid. I didn't borrow her high school ID. I borrowed her university ID,"
Alan leaned back in his seat, pulled his purple fedora down over his eyes, and smirked. "Whatever you say, milady,"
"You know, your sister's birth date is on that," Tiffany said, peering over Shannon's shoulder at the ID.
Claudia threw her arms up in the air, hitting the Samoan with her firecracker ring. "But, it's her university ID!"
We didn't know what to say, so no one said anything. We rode the rest of the way to the Red-Light district in silence. The tram let us off just a few feet from Hotel Deconstruction.
"Why don't we not go in as a group," Shannon suggested. "Greer, Alan, and I will go in together. Claudia and Tiffany, let a few people get in line behind us. Okay?"
Claudia shrugged. Tiffany glared at her sister, but grudgingly stood in line with another group between us. Hotel Deconstruction wasn't one of the hippest club in Amsterdam, so the line was rather short. When we reached the front of the line Shannon and I handed the IDs to the bouncer, an enormous Dutchman with a crew cut and three missing fingers.
He studied the IDs briefly, then nodded. "The Wray Sisters may go in," he said, gruffly.
"Actually, we're cousins," I replied, coolly.
Shannon and I sauntered passed him, confidently, hoping we really did look nineteen and twenty. We paused at the club entrance to wait for Alan. The bouncer was checking his ID.
"Your parents must really hate you, kid," the bouncer said, handing the ID back to Alan.
The three of us watched the bouncer wave in the next group without even looking at their IDs. Claudia stepped up and handed hers over. The bouncer glanced at it, then at Claudia, and back again.
"When's your birthday?" he asked.
"Oh, it was just last week, actually. My parents took me to Chez Maurice. My sister ordered in French! She's a genius. Honest,"
"Says here your birthday's in March,"
Claudia stared at him.
"Where are your glasses?" he asked.
"I don't wear glasses," Claudia replied. "My sister Janine wears glasses."
"Oh yeah? Maybe Janine would like her ID back," He thrust the ID at her. "Get lost, kid."
Claudia looked confused and wandered away. She turned around, cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled, "Don't worry, guys! I'll find another way in!"
Alan, Shannon, and I looked the other way.
Tiffany held Stacey's ID out to the bouncer. He shook his head and unhooked the velvet rope. "Not necessary," he said. "Have fun, kitten."
"Un-friggin-believable," I muttered.
Tiffany strutted passed, the smuggest possible smile spread across her face. After picking Shannon's jaw up off the ground, I linked arms with her and Alan. "Ready, Pennyweather?" I asked. "Fontaine?"
"Right-o, cheerio, and a gumdrop, Harlow, ma'dear,"
"Most excellent," I replied.
Arms linked, we walked through the glass doors.