Long, Boring, Perfunctory Author's Note:
First of all, Sorry For The Oh-So-Long Delay.
Work --- What Else Can I Say?! (Geez, I'm so tired that I'm rhyming here!)
I was out on the water for a LONG time and this chapter was scribbled on numerous tiny scraps of greasy, wrinkled weather-proof paper then typed up in about 20 minutes --- doubtlessly, the typos will drive you all crazy! But it was either this or another two week wait! I Apologize!
ALSO: HERE ON FANFICTION.NET This chapter will be appear fractured and short as ALL major adult content has been edited out! (The REAL, Not-for- Kiddies, Alternate Version Will Be Posted On MEDIAMINER --- 17 will appear jumpy and strange but I think I summarized the key points for those who don't like anything too graphic. Basically, there's a bit of a horribly EVIL little regression for the Lord of the Western Lands ahead. You'll see.
THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN TO NOTOES AND MANON (Manon!!!! I got your e-mail a few two weeks ago, but I haven't been able to answer! I'll get in touch with you later today, I hope! Anyway, thanks for everything!)
GOOD NEWS! While I was gone I discovered two incredibly kind people nominated me for a fan-fiction award! Yes --- apparently, "Eien Ni Nakunatta Shunkan" has been nominated by the membership of Inuyasha Fan Guild for Best Romance Alternate Pairing! Silly typos and all (I swear I'm dyslexic!)! So THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU to NokoMarie the Snake and Resminda! I guess if anyone wants to vote you have to join the Inuyasha Fanguild at: for your time, and keep the reviews coming. They sure make me happy when I get to come home after a hard week of work!
Chapter 17: Hajimete no Ai
Rin reached out, and laid her hand on his arm, and together they made their way through the familiar halls leading back to his chamber. Their pace was leisurely, as they walked side-by-side, neither one saying a word to the other.
As they proceeded on in awkward silence, Sesshoumaru occasionally stole quick glances down at the girl beside him. A sudden surge of protective pride raced through his frame --- Rin had never seemed more beautiful to him than she did at this very moment. He also couldn't help but notice that he had never seen her appear quite so small, fragile or scared either.
In spite of her confident words and teasing laughter a few moments before, now there was an edge of alarm in her scent and her once rosy complexion was currently almost as pale as his own. He was even forced to reach out and steady the girl when her steps faltered a bit as they approached their intended destination.
And --- and she had good reason for alarm, he mused. Just how the hell was he going to keep from hurting her anyway?
At that very same moment, Rin was thinking along much similar lines. Regardless of her worries, however, the young woman continued to follow her master obediently across the threshold. She stood in his darkened room, waiting expectantly with her eyes averted and her hands folded demurely.
Sesshoumaru's intense look softened as he watched her wage her inner war. The girl was trying her best to appear regal and poised, trying to appear confident --- all for his sake. In his mind, he resolved to make this night perfect for her --- no matter the cost to himself.
Through her dark bangs and slightly lowered lashes, Rin watched her master warily. His current expression seemed so gentle and completely at odds with his usual emotionless façade. There was a warm glow in his eyes and the corners of his full lips were quirked in a peaceful --- smile?
No, it wasn't exactly a smile, she realized. But it didn't matter --- that look still stole her breath away nonetheless. A tiny flutter stirred in her chest, and, for a moment, she let down her guard to offer a similar half- grin back.
So --- what --- what h-happens now? she wondered.
Rin jerked in reflexive panic as her master suddenly moved towards her and she braced herself for whatever was to come. The young woman looked up in surprise as the demon merely touched her shoulder. Sesshoumaru hurriedly directed her further into the room, steering her away from where Toukijin and Tenseiga were propped innocuously against the low writing table.
"Ohhh, gomen. I did not notice them," she muttered sheepishly, casting a worried look back over at the swords, and cursing herself for her carelessness. No, she most definitely did NOT need to spend this night unconscious.
But --- wait a minute --- on second thought --- passing out might actually be a bit kinder for her poor nerves! Rin suddenly remembered --- in lurid, vivid detail --- Jaken's stammered lecture on the act of rutting. It had come years ago, on that same awful day when she had bled for the first time ---
Her master, as she recalled, had thankfully not been present, being off skirmishing with that ridiculous neko-youkai tribe again. With a knot in her stomach, she remembered her first sight of that dark blood staining her inner thighs and how she had raced tearfully to Jaken's side yelling frantically about being wounded and dying. The poor toad had merely looked at her with an expression of comical disgust, admonishing her to cease her foolish hysterics. He had then offered a long-winded, yet uncomfortably vague explanation of the changes in her young body, peppering his rather embarrassing speech with whining tangents questioning his noble lord's sanity at taking in a ningen girl. Dragging her along reluctantly by the hand, Jaken had next taken her to raid the nearest human village. Together, they had secured fresh clothing and supplies --- only after setting the human inhabitants fleeing with a few blasts from the Nintojou, of course ---
Gods --- maybe she should have begged Jaken-sama to let some of the local women stay behind! It would have been reassuring to hear a second-opinion from a human female!
Afterall, if ALL the toad had told her on that day was true, she could only expect more pain and more tearing and still more blood now! Rin forced herself to take in a deep breath.
The taiyoukai, meanwhile, was currently wrestling with his own worries. He couldn't help but note the way the young woman had very obviously flinched under his light touch a few moments before. Maybe he shouldn't have made that damn sweeping proclamation of his intention to bed her. With some disappointment, Sesshoumaru backed away, respectfully choosing to grant Rin some distance --- for now.
The demon moved to stare out the large window. Pity. No stars. He would have liked to have seen them tonight --- their peaceful presence always calmed him. He supposed he was drawn by their constancy, and their unchanging, dependable nature. Sesshoumaru cast a quick glance back at Rin, pleased to find she was staring at HIM with the same intensity that he had just been casting up at the thick clouds. He turned away and stared imperiously out over the sea now, utterly pleased with his decision ---
Tonight, he would ease her fears and make this lovely creature truly his.
Rin frowned at his back and his continued brooding, desperately wishing she could end the silence. She gathered a bit of her trailing robes in her hand, fervently hoping that the motion made her look sophisticated. Drawing on all her courage, she moved to stand beside Sesshoumaru again.
"What are you looking at, Master?"
The demon released a deep breath, delighted that she had tread so close to him without any urging. "Nothing --- there are no stars tonight," he replied sullenly. "Only rain and clouds."
The young woman peered out into the overcast night sky, and then directed her gaze to the courtyard below, watching as the fierce downpour battered against the stone walkway. Rin tapped her fingers together nervously and debated whether or not she should ask Sesshoumaru-sama to clarify his full decision regarding her fate. Or maybe she should just start simple and merely inquire about what he had seen on his travels this day? Or maybe ---
Rin opened her mouth to speak but quickly found her mind just wouldn't cooperate with forming words.
She was suddenly, acutely aware that this new situation was far more agonizing than anything that had taken place before. Previously, she had merely worried over whether or not he would kiss her, but --- but now a kiss was a forgone conclusion! It was no longer a matter of 'if' he would kiss her, but 'when'! And --- and --- this wasn't going to stop with a mere kiss, was it?!
Sesshoumaru turned and came to stand behind her, observing that Rin's shoulders automatically stiffened again when he drew within arms length. Her strained, seemingly unwelcoming reactions to his advances were so damn unnerving and the scent of her fear had now grown so palpable that it left a bitter, acrid taste in his mouth. If she were a demoness --- any demoness --- he would have already dragged her into his arms and most likely have taken her down to the floor or against the wall where she stood. But --- but she wasn't a demon ---
She was delicate, soft --- human.
He rolled his eyes at his own dull, repetitive thoughts. That argument was over. There were no disputes that mattered anymore --- save one --- and he had already cleverly decided his course of action for when THAT particular situation arose.
There was simply no way to hide the truth anymore. For good or ill, he had declared he wanted the girl and Rin had followed him to his chamber ---
She was obviously willing, and --- and they both knew it.
But, even though Rin was willing, she was still inexperienced and obviously afraid --- and the process of getting the girl where he wanted her to be was going to be torturously slow and painfully subtle. Words, he reminded himself, she likes to hear you speak. So maybe ---
"Those garments --- they suit you," he stated quietly, all the while keeping his gaze fixed firmly out the window.
Rin blinked, not at all used to hearing him comment on her appearance.
"Really? Thank you, my lord. Ummm, thank you for giving them to me. Thank you for all your gifts." She shivered, still a bit lost in her memories and completely intimidated by the prospect of what was to come.
"You are cold?" the taiyoukai asked, using the question as the perfect opportunity to move one step closer.
"No -- no," Rin declared brightly, ignoring his slight move, and motioning down to her heavy formal attire. "Even while I stayed on Totosai's mountain I can't remember EVER wearing this many clothes at once!"
She tried to offer an innocent demonstration to lighten the mood, pushing up the many billowing sleeves and peeling back layer after layer of colorful uchikake until she finally exposed her forearm.
"Look, my lord! Five of these things --- plus the kimono too!" She gave a small, shaky peal of laughter.
Before she could even register his movement, Sesshoumaru had reached out to quickly capture her arm, turning it for his inspection while carefully brushing his claws against her thin skin of her wrist.
"Yes, far too many," he agreed. Without warning, he grabbed hold of her embroidered collars and slowly pulled the three outermost uchikake down together, keeping his eyes trained on her startled face as the material pooled at her feet with a lush rustle.
"Better?" the taiyoukai asked with feigned innocence.
Rin merely wrung her fingers together and stared down at the jumbled pile of pink silk on the floor with something akin to horror.
"This Sesshoumaru wishes for you to come to bed," he abruptly stated with teasing formality.
"You w-want me to come to bed?" Rin rounded on him, an even deeper look of panic settling over her lovely features. Her eyes lighted quickly on his bare chest, before darting up to search his patrician face. "Right now?"
Sesshoumaru held out his left hand in clear invitation, golden eyes locked with her shy brown ones. Tentatively, the young woman laid her hand in his --- he slid his other arm possessively around her waist to draw her close and ---
"WAIT!" Rin suddenly cried out. "Can we --- can we maybe t-talk a bit more first?"
"What else is there to say?" Sesshoumaru asked bluntly, feeling somewhat thwarted.
"Well, Jaken-sama says that 'it' hurts. Does 'it'? Itau ka?"
The taiyoukai only nodded. He had never had a virgin, much less a human one --- though, of course, this was not the time to divulge such personal information.
"Hai, it hurts a woman the first time. Ningen or youkai alike --- they bleed. I suppose youkai women heal faster though," he finished lamely.
"Oh, I see. I had hoped that Jaken-sama either didn't know the truth or that he was making up some stupid tale to frighten me," Rin whispered fiercely. "Or else that he was doing something awfully wrong!" She wrinkled her nose and flashed a wry grin, giggling in spite of the tension coiling in her belly.
Sesshoumaru hid his smile at her teasing wit and playful banter. Truthfully though, he was feeling a little out of sorts himself --- and it had nothing to do with the fact that she was human or a virgin.
What was making the moment so strange, so tense, so achingly sweet, was that beyond her humanity, beyond her lack of experience, he had also never taken someone he truly cared for ---
He had never taken someone he loved.
And --- and he DID love Rin, one look at her now and it was painfully obvious. But the feeling was still so foreign to him, almost like something he should continue to fight against. Damn --- he might have been fifty again, instead of nearly four hundred, for all the awkwardness he felt now with this small girl within his reach.
"Do not be afraid," he stated, surprisingly mostly for his own benefit. "Have I not always taken care of you?"
"Yes, always." She wet her lips with the tip of her tongue and tried to be sensible. "Well, it's just that --- I don't know what to do. And I don't know all that much about what YOU'RE going to do either. And --- and Jaken- sama sure didn't make the whole thing sound very appealing.""
The taiyoukai sidled closer, rubbing at his temple. "What exactly did Jaken tell you?" he inquired with an exasperated huff, rather anxious to know what woeful misinformation he was going to have to combat against. He watched as Rin's face flamed as crimson as the stripes on his own cheekbones, her deep blush becoming visible even in the murky darkness and flickering lantern light.
"Jaken-sama says --- he says --- that for demons rutting is an act of dominance and just like any other battle. Itau deshou! There's a lot of fighting and growling and scuffling and scratching and biting and then male will throw the female to her knees and --- and ---"
She pointed a shaky finger towards his groin, intense fear lurking in her over-large eyes. "And --- then ---"
Her next halting words were thankfully interrupted, as her master released a quick, unconstrained laugh. "Stop at once! This Sesshoumaru does not even wish to know the rest! I am surprised you had the courage to return here at all with all the 'horrors' that foolish toad doubtlessly described."
Sesshoumaru pulled her closer and reached out to carefully draw one ornate silver comb free from her hair.
"I am not going to attack you and throw you onto the ground, Rin --- though perhaps later on that is something you might come to enjoy," he breathed seductively into her soft, tumbling hair. "You have spent these past few nights here at my side --- is it really so different now?"
Rin craned her head to cast him a dubious look, and worried her lower lip. She was not entirely convinced she agreed with his logic and was a bit shocked by how weak her knees had just become at his self-assured, sensuous words. Throw her to the ground? Oh gods!
She backed up a step, politely shrugging free of his grasp. "Yes, my lord -- - this IS different. It's all so --- so strange. And --- and it's not just what Jaken-sama told me, there was that time with Inuyasha too," she admitted glumly.
The demon lord backed up a step. His bastard brother? What? It suddenly occurred to him that he had no clue just how long Rin had remained in the hanyou's care before coming to dwell with the old sword-smith. What the hell had happened?! His brother had proven his obvious preference for these soft human women, but if that son-of-bitch did anything inappropriate to his little Rin --- he would --- he would claim those ridiculously undignified white ears and nail them to the wall of the shiro! He would ---
Sesshoumaru's dark eyebrows furrowed and his voice became nothing more than vicious snarl. "Inuyasha!?" he spat angrily. "What did he do?! What of Inuyasha? Tell me now!"
Rin jerked away in panic. "Well, on that night --- that night you sent me away --- I SAW him and Kagome-sama --- and they were ---"
Sesshoumaru relaxed visibly, shaking his head as he stared at the girl incredulously. "You endured watching my pathetic half-brother taking that woman? You saw them making love ---"
This time it was Rin's turn to interrupt. Driven by pure mortification and gesturing madly with her hands, she tried to stammer out a hurried explanation.
"No, NO --- my lord! Well, the two of them were together at a little stream --- and Rin was trying to get a bath! Actually, YOU sent me to get a bath! Rin didn't mean to --- I mean, I didn't watch! I ran off as soon as I realized what was happening, but --- but ---" Her frenzied words trailed off in an embarrassed sigh. "Anyway, it sure sounded like the miko was in an AWFUL lot of pain to me."
The taiyoukai barked out another quick, mocking laugh. "Though Inuyasha is an awkward, clumsy, ignorant fool, that miko was most likely not in pain, Rin." He gave a small shudder of disgust, completely unable to resist casting that disparaging remark at the half-breed's expense --- all the while trying to shake another disturbing mental image from his head.
"But --- do not worry any longer. You will understand soon enough," he whispered in a bewitching tone.
She would understand --- soon? Rin trembled. Gods, her master had never spoken so much as he had in these past few days --- and --- his words were all so --- so tricky. She was lost and confused, and he, for his part, seemed to delight in her being this flustered.
Sesshoumaru placed a clawed finger under her chin, and raised her face so she had to look right up at him. Rin did so somewhat reluctantly, willing herself to hold her gaze steady despite her many misgivings.
"But it is not the pain that really frightens you now --- is it?"
"How --- how did you know?" she gasped.
The demon lord shrugged casually. "Because this Sesshoumaru has spent the better part of a decade coming to understand you --- coming to know you."
Feeling profoundly touched at his simple words, the young woman drew herself up to her full height proudly, noting that her master still towered over her. "Well, my lord --- if you claim to know me, then you know that there are very few things that frighten your Rin."
The youkai snorted at her tell-tale diminutive speech and inadvertent use of her own name. "Really? Then what are you frightened of now? Tell me," he whispered, laying his hands on her slight shoulders.
Rin sighed in defeat before answering. "Only one thing --- the same thing t- that's always frightened me, I guess." She hurriedly sputtered out her words, realizing that she was rapidly losing control of her very thoughts as he expertly began to knead at the tense muscles of her upper back. "More terrifying than any pain, even the m-memory of wolves, is the thought that I will l-lose you again. That this will change our lives too much --- and -- - and that one day you will come to hate me."
The youkai lord was overwhelmed by that sharp, poignant sting in his chest again. He supposed, however, that after the events of the past few months, her doubts and fears were well justified. Afterall, he HAD tried to hate her --- only to find --- only to find that he couldn't.
"This Sesshoumaru could never hate you," he replied, with all sincerity, feeling completely unashamed. Rin looked so vulnerable, so anxious, and he reached to tighten his arms around her. All he wanted was to protect her from harm, to hold her --- to love her.
But the girl still remained somewhat skeptical. "But --- that's not it. Also --- on that same terrible night with Naraku --- that monster --- t- that thing y-you became ---"
Rin's explanation died in a horrified gasp. She realized that in her nervousness these carelessly chosen words might have deeply offended him.
Sesshoumaru's golden eyes narrowed and he winced as if in terrible pain. That monster? That thing he had become?
"Rin, that 'monster' is myself," he stated defensively. All along, he had suspected the young woman would bring this up sooner or later, and now he cursed himself for his arrogance. Damn --- what had possessed him that night? Why did he assume his true form strictly to intimidate and terrorize her?
Rin looked up in astonishment. Though her master's answer was clipped, prideful and harsh, his eyes were clearly filled with nothing but remorse for his actions. The young woman shook her head in equal apology.
"Gomen nasai, that's not what I meant, Sesshoumaru-sama. It's just that on that night, in both forms --- YOU --- you looked upon me as if I was the lowest creature imaginable and I-I don't want to be nothing to you!" she hissed. "I want ---"
She never got to finish her sentence. His voice suddenly thundered out, deep and commanding, and hoarse with raw emotion.
"Look at my eyes! Why do you think I hid them from you that night?" He crushed her to him forcefully. "Look at this Sesshoumaru now! Do you still think you mean nothing!?"
Rin trembled, and her fingers felt like they were burning as they splayed across his bare chest. She shook her head, too confused to speak, too caught up in what she saw in his expression.
"Enough!" he grated. "It has been TOO long since I have felt like myself!"
"My lord?" she queried, her voice becoming nothing more than a squeak. Sesshoumaru tugged insistently at her small hand, leading her steadily towards the far alcove and that great bed. Rin balked as those inviting white blankets came into view. Gods --- that mattress only seemed even more gigantic --- even more obscene --- than ever.
Not really understanding the full reasons why, she suddenly dug in stubbornly with her heels. Rin cursed inwardly as her new tabi socks offered no traction and she slid across the polished wooden floor behind him. What the hell was the matter with her! She dreamed of this moment! She dreamed of him! But, like Totosai said, having a piece of his power didn't really mean anything! It didn't make her like him! It didn't make her a demon! What if he took her and found her to be too weak, too repulsively human, in the end?
When he met with this latest mulish resistance, the handsome youkai looked back at the girl, clearly perplexed. Why the hell was she fighting now? Why was she trying to draw out the inevitable?
"Rin, as I know you, YOU know me --- in fact, you are the ONLY creature that knows me. Do not make this Sesshoumaru ramble out any more meaningless words when I can show you how I feel in other ways," he growled. "Come to bed --- now."
At the taiyoukai's heated and somewhat demanding request, Rin gave up struggling and marched at his heels in a near stupor, too dazed to be anything less than compliant anymore. Her mind seemed as blank as an empty sheet of parchment as she let him guide her down onto the soft covers. She drew back the quilted kaimaki and quickly crawled underneath.
The girl huddled desolately inside the blankets, resting a hand on her belly to stop the fluttering currently raging inside. What if she wasn't any good at this? What if he wasn't pleased with her body? Afterall, just look at him --- he was gorgeous! And he'd had many lovers before --- doubtlessly all more powerful, beautiful and wise than her. Why --- he'd even had ---
Kagura. Her teeth ground together in agitation as the haughty face of the wind-witch and her polished, sardonic smile flashed annoyingly through her thoughts. Kagura. That --- that condescending bitch!
Rin's head snapped up in surprise at the angry, envious nature of her feelings. She gloomily decided she'd better not concern herself with other women for the time being. She had herself to worry about right now! She must only look ahead, and take what was to come --- moment to moment --- or she'd surely go mad.
As the young woman remembered herself, she moved hurriedly to the side of the bed she had occupied for the past few nights. Rin curled as close to the wall as she could manage, pulling the warm blankets up to her chin tightly. She looked up a moment later, realizing that Sesshoumaru was staring down at her with a rather droll look.
"What?" she shot out quickly.
"You are going to bed in ALL of those clothes?" he inquired, his deep voice uncommonly solicitous and light.
"No, not all of them," she sulked, feeling extremely embarrassed and unrefined. She reached down to her toes, and pulled off those utterly useless tabi, tossing them unceremoniously onto the floor. "Better?"
The youkai did not answer, but smiled tenderly at her telling response --- Rin's severe bashfulness was actually quite arousing, he mused. Let her keep her modesty --- for now. Besides, he would thoroughly enjoy removing the rest of her garments himself. Sesshoumaru moved swiftly to take his own customary place beside the trembling girl.
Rin swallowed noisily. The mattress had dipped noticeably, and there was a sudden rush of cold air as her master pulled back the kaimaki again. But that instant chill was immediately chased away --- replaced by the scorching heat of his body. Before she could offer another protest or ask any more questions, he drew her against his side, and held her tightly in the hard circle of his embrace.
She felt his still damp hair against her temple and the firmness of his bare shoulder beneath her cheek. The length of his body seemed to shelter her, and he smelled pleasantly of the cypress trees and the sea and the fields of the whole wide Western Lands that were just as much a part of him as his pale skin and the deep timbre of his voice.
"Rin," he whispered. She gulped at that one simple word --- just her name -- - but now it seemed to have taken on a whole new, deeper meaning. His hands rubbed against the cool skin of her arm under her few remaining uchikake, and she was entirely aware of every inch of his powerful body pressing against her.
Sesshoumaru moved to lightly stroke the side of her face and the length of her neck with his right hand. That was fine --- she had become accustomed to that! Afterall, they had been exploring one another openly in the dark for the past few nights now! But while THAT particular hand had come to graze against those seemingly innocent, previously explored places, she couldn't help but notice that his left was resting assuredly against her hip and he was --- he was cleverly bunching her robes in his fist to slide the fabric upwards a little.
"Nani shiterundesu ka? What are you doing?"
"Nothing," he replied slowly.
"Sesshoumaru-sama, y-you are --- you are finally going to kiss me again now, aren't you?" she asked with a slight pout. "After all, you promised --- "
"Despite all of your fears, at least this Sesshoumaru can be grateful that you seem most eager for this kiss," he taunted in his dry monotone, easing her away from the wall and turning her to face him.
"Are you --- are you teasing me?" Gods --- she was afraid to even look at him right now. Rin stared over her master's shoulder; she'd do anything to avoid glancing into those piercing eyes! "Try to understand, my lord," she babbled aimlessly. "It's just that I wasn't ready for the first kiss, and then you made me wait forever for the second, and then Jaken-sama returned ---"
"Hush --- If you keep talking right now, you will only miss another kiss."
"What?!" Rin's lashes fluttered and her head jerked back just in time to see those familiar full lips as his mouth descended rapidly and --- and he kissed her.
Despite taking her by surprise at first, the kiss itself was lingering and astounded her to the very core. It was not rough, harsh or demanding, as she half expected it to be. Instead it was very gentle --- and --- and exquisitely, achingly tender. Rin's back arched slightly of its own accord as she pressed herself closer.
When Sesshoumaru drew back a humiliating whimper escaped her, and she could only stare up at him with wide eyes. She pressed her fingers to her lips, both in effort to silence herself and to still the distracting tingle caused by that unforeseen intimate contact as well. "I am so sorry. About that noise, I mean. It was loud and I know that bothers you," she offered contritely, looking up at his face with pure wonder.
At that moment, however, Sesshoumaru was equally stunned as well. "Noise? Oh --- no, that was a good sound, little one. A very good sound." His utterly vibrant eyes were deep and glistening, and filled with a longing hunger that stirred an unfamiliar reaction in the pit of her belly. Wait --- was it her belly? Or was it somewhere else?
Before she could contemplate her body's reaction any further, Sesshoumaru moved to taste her mouth again, completely at his leisure, and Rin was forced to concentrate only on THIS most distracting, amazing sensation. His lips were so breathtakingly gentle as they moved over hers, yet despite their softness, she could not mistake the possessiveness behind their claim. She remained completely still as if paralyzed, and the taiyoukai suddenly broke away from her, offering a nearly inaudible rumbling chuckle.
"Nani?" she asked unsteadily. "Did I do something wrong wrong?"
"Nothing. You did nothing wrong," he whispered, cupping her pointed chin with his hands and tilting her head back to kiss the smooth skin of her throat.
But --- but he was still chuckling and Rin frowned in mild annoyance and embarrassment. "Naaani?" she repeated a little more fiercely. "Why are you laughing at me, Sesshoumaru-sama?"
"I am not laughing at you," he sighed. "But, you have to let out your breath, little one --- you have to breathe."
"I'm trying! This is not easy." She struggled to comply with his request --- TRULY --- but she met with small success. How the hell could he expect her to relax?!
"This Sesshoumaru has been a bad influence --- you are thinking too much right now." His words came low and husky and far too close to her lips, and Rin instinctively knew that he was about to kiss her yet again. Logic deserted her as his handsome face seemed to descend in slow motion this time, his mouth lowering to hers with torturous delay ---
But --- but when their lips finally did meet again, everything else sped up to a dizzying pace. Her heart hammered even more feverishly, and her blood seemed to be racing uncontrolled through her veins. In desperation, she clung to his shoulders as if he were the only sturdy thing in a far too shaky world.
Rather surprisingly, with this kiss, his tongue slid along the seam of her lips, and she gasped at the strange, unexpected sensation. At her quick indrawn breath, he drove fully into her mouth and, all at once, every confusing emotion she'd been trying to keep at bay for so many years came back in a blistering rush. He stroked deep within her mouth, using both lips and tongue in the most erotic manner imaginable, and she was very nearly overwhelmed at the unfamiliar feelings coursing through her. She felt an urgency the likes of which she'd never known, yet she squeezed her fingers fitfully at his shoulders and pushed him steadily back.
Rin was panting when he finally conceded and released her mouth. He gave her no real respite, however, only leaving her lips to nibble at her tiny earlobe and then down the column of her throat. "You did not like that?" he asked quietly. "That deeper kiss?"
"Yes, I mean --- no --- I mean, I just wasn't expecting it, that's all," she answered hurriedly, trying to focus on the sound of the driving rain outside.
Sesshoumaru's lips were currently traveling downward with a sureness that stole her breath away, and she suddenly realized that he was following along the awful trail of her old scars. Rin hunched her shoulders self- consciously, recognizing that she might have been too quick to drive his distracting kisses to these MORE uncomfortable places.
With a small noise of frustration --- or triumph --- at her insecure actions, the youkai abruptly abandoned her throat. "If you do not like what this Sesshoumaru is doing now, perhaps we can try that kiss again --- if you'd prefer." Without waiting for an answer, he returned his mouth to hers, using his tongue to trace another possessive path along her lower lip. Rin's mouth opened in another gasp, allowing him entrance once more.
Somehow, she mused, his actions seemed both demanding and rewarding all at once.
His large hand suddenly moved up from her waist and across her rib cage to her breast. The girl was utterly surprised at the rapid wave of pleasure that followed, and she moaned into his mouth.
Sesshoumaru ended the kiss, gauging her reactions carefully. Yet he waited patiently for her to relax, resting his forehead against hers and staring into her eyes as she shook with fear and expectation.
"Why this sudden hesitation yet again?" he goaded easily, his face inches above her own and his hair forming a silver curtain all around her. "Kiss me back. Would you find this less difficult if this Sesshoumaru told you he is feeling nervous as well?"
"You --- you are?" Rin threw him a sharp, disbelieving look. "You are making fun of me again," she chided, unconsciously leaning closer to him all the same.
"Well, you are being unreasonable." He said it if she were still a wayward child and he the tolerant, forbearing ward. "Kokyuu shiro --- relax." Still holding her tightly, the demon casually brushed his mouth across her temple. "Maybe you need a little more help."
Sesshoumaru's smile and words were so vague and guarded; Rin marveled that a man so powerful, so decisive, could be so incomprehensibly introverted and withdrawn when it came to simple conversation. Her musings were suddenly interrupted as the taiyoukai made another, even more devastatingly nerve-wracking declaration. "Do not worry. This Sesshoumaru will make this perfect for you," he stated far too offhandedly. "And I will not take you until you beg me to."
Rin's swore her heart stopped beating in her chest. If her master thought talk like that was going to relax her, he was sorely mistaken! Her body went rigid again and her eyelids flickered in shock at those smug, promising words.
Sesshoumaru's arms and that warm white fur tightened around her and, once again, he moved to kiss her. This time he barely touched her lips with his, reveling in her instant quivering response. With the same feather-light touch, he began to kiss her flushed cheeks, tilting her jaw back to caress the warm skin of throat. His claws traced the curve of her shoulder, angling downward along the length of her slender arm to clasp her tiny hand and lace his fingers with her own.
"Gomen ne --- I've never felt anything like this," she muttered between the next little kisses. "It's --- it's like my skin is on fire but I can't stop shaking like I'm cold. Is that --- right?"
"Hai --- it's supposed to feel like that. Shhhh. You are fine," he replied. Sesshoumaru threw her a wry grin, eyes focused on her heaving chest. "And I suppose you do not like any of this either?"
Although her jaw was clenched in clear nervousness, the girl managed a little laugh and a gentle nod. "No --- I like it." He rewarded her with a small brush of his knuckles against her stubborn chin.
"Rin --- always remember that I take care of what is mine." Sesshoumaru sat up suddenly, the hand on her chin sliding around to circle her neck and fist through the sable hair at her nape. He reached up to pull that second silver comb free and her heart raced furiously, every nerve on alert.
"And --- and you are mine," he concluded boldly.
Rin was so undone by those startling words and the compelling force of his actions that any of her own hesitant arguments were left unsaid. Her eyes drifted closed, and she felt his lips rush to meet hers once more. There was nothing left to think about any longer and she surrendered her body to him fully.
When it was over, he held her tightly in his strong arms, and Rin replayed all that had transpired between them --- every tender action, every panting breath, and every smoldering look burned forever in her dazed mind.
Sesshoumaru kissed her gently, and all of her pent-up emotions threatened to overwhelm her once more. When he finally pulled his mouth away from hers, she released a helpless moan, and let her head fall weakly against his chest. "Sesshoumaru --- will I --- I'll always be yours, right?"
"Always --- Aijin," he murmured as his lips teased hers apart with gentle nips from those strong fangs and heated strokes of his tongue.
Rin's eyes flew open at that tender word. An old, formal endearment --- so sweet and simple with its meaning. His lover.
Sesshoumaru's jaw clenched, currently remembering the girl's own fierce words when he had taken her. "Anata wo aishiteru! Zutto aishiteite ima mo eien made!" she had sobbed breathlessly into his pointed ear.
That loving declaration, in fact, had been his undoing. He had lost himself for a moment, biting down hard on the delicate skin of her neck, to taste her coppery blood and feel her body wrench aggressively against him. But at least he had remembered himself at the last minute --- at the most important part. He had not finished inside her welcoming body --- he had not reached completion within the girl.
But still, in all his long life, the demon had never known anything so sweet. Gods --- he should have known it would be like that --- Rin was always so giving, she never held anything back from him.
He felt like he couldn't get enough of her. So that is what Chichiue and that whelp were so helplessly addicted to --- somehow she seemed to respond instinctively to his need for dominance. She had been there for him, clinging to him, trusting him. For her part in their loving act, there was no selfishness, no egotism --- no taking. And somehow --- her devoted acceptance and surrender made him feel even more powerful than any battle he had ever fought, or any victory he had ever claimed.
They continued to relax for a moment, laying close together now, just staring at one another in bewildered marvel. Sesshoumaru's hands remained at the girl's little waist, while her arms looped tighter around his neck. After a few more quiet moments, he shifted and reached out, brushing his claws against her parted lips gently. Rin let out a slow, shaky moan and absently kissed at his fingers.
She focused her gaze on her master, finding him to be regarding her with an utterly engaging expression that somehow seemed both fierce and tender all at once. She cast him a rather dazed and lop-sided grin in return.
Sesshoumaru felt his heart twist again. She was faultless, flawless --- her porcelain skin was still flushed, and those huge, dark-lashed eyes were shining with happiness.
"Save such smiles only for this Sesshoumaru," he groaned, pressing his body closer to place a swift, sweet kiss on her lips. He did not fill it with any of the passion they had just shared but only with that other less clear emotion instead. Love --- he had already admitted to himself. But his savage pride would still not allow him to utter such a simpering declaration aloud, so he merely repeated, "Save such smiles only for this Sesshoumaru."
It was a beautiful sentiment, and the young woman smiled warmly and reached up to stroke her finger against his forehead, tracing the emblem of the crescent moon. He may have had other lovers, but, for the moment, she was no longer jealous. Something in his eyes now made Rin certain he had given the best of himself to HER alone.
"Yes. Only for you," she agreed.
At her words and emphatic nod, Sesshoumaru released a weary breath, and let his head fall to nuzzle into the curve of her neck, licking apologetically at the deep wound he had made.
The girl winced. "T-that's right --- you bit me!"
"Un," he answered absently.
Though Rin did not admit it now, Jaken HAD indeed mentioned something like this often happened between youkai. She laughed inwardly --- it seemed to be the only fact he had gotten right!
"You have marked me as yours?" she questioned breathlessly.
Sesshoumaru rolled to his side, bringing the small girl with him so she rested half on top of him. The fluff of his tail wound possessively around her back again, tickling across to her ribs, skirting teasingly shy of a full breast. Everything felt so tender, so right --- it all seemed just as warm and intimate as the moment before. "Yes," he finally answered.
Rin smiled dizzily at his words and collapsed weakly against his shoulder. She was his --- she was his ---
But --- but now that the intense crashing pleasure was fading, other feelings were beginning to creep into her mind and body. First and foremost, the young woman noted, was that she was most definitely feeling quite sore and stretched. Even more disconcerting, however, was the odd sensation of that rapidly cooling wetness trailing across her belly and hips. Sesshoumaru-sama was --- he was supposed to do that inside her, wasn't he? Wasn't that the point? Why did he pull away and out of her body when he did?
She raised her hands to brush that thick, viscous substance off of her skin. The taiyoukai propped himself up on his elbows and watched her actions with obvious concern. His demeanor seemed awfully tense and Rin sought to innocently inquire about his puzzling actions. "My lord, why did you not finish inside ---"
"This Sesshoumaru is not ready for heirs," he bit out before she had time to complete the question. "The time is not right."
Liar, his mind screamed, you care for this girl, love her even --- yes --- but --- the time will never be right for that. She will never bear your children. There will never be another hanyou in your line.
But some selfish, covetous aspect of his demon nature prevented him from discussing this now. The girl was his, and when the time was right he would make her understand the way things naturally had to be.
It would be alright, he reasoned. Rin had declared her love --- her desire to remain with him always. She was endlessly patient, and so very thoughtful and forbearing. She would simply accept his decision on this issue as she had with all other things.
Then why don't you tell her NOW? that same inner voice reprimanded scornfully.
Sesshoumaru looked into Rin's widely-set hazel eyes. They were so hopeful, buoyant and adoring. Looking at her now, why did he suddenly feel like he had been stabbed in the gut?
"Hai, not at this time. I understand, my lord," she replied cheerfully. "You are right, of course. Too many enemies. Too many questions." She nuzzled into his chest feeling so very contented.
Sesshoumaru's stomach turned in revulsion at her naïve show of blind trust, faith and love.
Fuck --- deceit was just not his way. To this day, no matter how bitter his feelings towards his half-brother, he still felt nauseous whenever he remembered how he had permitted Jaken to use the Mu Onna against Inuyasha, tricking him into believing she was his own mother returned from the underworld.
But until this very moment, however, HE had never actually truly lied. And it sickened him that this loyal girl who had followed him unfailingly for the past decade, this sweet creature who had just surrendered her innocence to him, should be the first.
Wait, he reminded himself as his cool logic prevailed, technically this wasn't exactly a lie. Rin WOULD learn his will eventually, of course --- but just not here in his bed; and certainly not now, mere moments after he had taken her virginity.
Having no reason to doubt his brief explanation in the slightest, Rin's current thoughts were not nearly as deep or tortured as her master's. She only felt an intense swell of gratitude at his altruistic concern for her safety, and his apparent desire to take the time to savor and build this new dimension of their relationship. The young woman sighed in comfortable exhaustion.
There was nothing to worry about --- she had a long life ahead. His life, her mind clamored excitedly. Once again, her days would be filled with joyful, endless hours spent devotedly at his side and she was simply too happy to think beyond this amazingly precious moment in time. Here she was, lying in Sesshoumaru-sama's strong arms --- in the aftermath of his loving --- everything was perfect. Everything was going to be alright.
She wriggled up alongside him. "Sesshoumaru-sama? What we just did --- can we do it again?"
He cracked a heavy, scarlet-marked eyelid. "Yes."
"Right now?" She placed a string of bold kisses along his jaw.
Sesshoumaru smiled at her enthusiasm, her current amorous actions driving all doubt and guilt to the furthest recesses of his mind.
"Hush, Aijin. No --- not now," he answered her while regarding her with mock-disapproval. "Are you not sore?"
Rin blushed at hearing that endearment again --- his lover --- she could get used to being called that.
"Well, yes," she admitted candidly. "But --- but --- that probably wasn't very good for you, ne? Now that I know what its like --- now that I know what you're like --- I can do better, I think."
"Not very good? Little one, if you only knew --- it was you who was cheated, not this Sesshoumaru."
"Cheated? But I felt that same 'thing' you just did --- before!"
Sesshoumaru frowned, remembering her pain and instinctive nervousness when they made love. She had been too damn tense to really let go. He would have preferred it if she had reached her climax with him, but it would take awhile to teach her to not be so embarrassed about her body's natural reactions. The taiyoukai was struck by sudden idea.
"Just lay still, my Rin, there are still over things this Sesshoumaru can show you."
Several intense hours later, Rin lifted her head to looks up at him in foggy contentment. "Ohhh, you did t-that --- that thing to me again," she mumbled. "I love you --- so much. So, so much."
The demon stirred at her simple words.
Rin had trusted him with her body --- she loved him --- but how? Why?
Rin offered another shy smile. Sesshoumaru-sama's beautiful face was obscured in the shadows and the thin light of the approaching dawn. His magnificent silvery hair fell in thick waves plastered haphazardly around his sweaty shoulders and his eyes were dark and solemn. Though the young woman knew somehow that he was well pleased with her, at the moment he seemed to be examining her rather critically. Like there was something important on his mind.
"What is it, my lord?" she whispered, dragging in an erratic breath.
"How --- how is it that you were always so confident that you love this Sesshoumaru?" he asked hurriedly, listening intently to her still racing heart. Perhaps --- perhaps the girl's answer would shed some more light on his own unfamiliar feelings.
Rin shook her head, staring into his amber eyes as she pondered his strange question.
"Because – I just know," she answered. She nuzzled into his chest, inhaling deeply to take in all of his masculine scent. "I love you," she repeated with absolute firmness.
"But why? Nande?" he pressed on, and his expression was so earnest and genuinely honest that she only wanted to pull him tighter in her arms.
A small frown creased her brow ---
Why?
Sesshoumaru was so ancient, so old, and yet that devastatingly blunt and brutal question was asked with a child's curiosity. Did he doubt the true depth of her feelings simply because he could not feel such an emotion in return?
She was completely aware that he hadn't returned her words when she'd declared that she loved him tonight. Maybe he was simply wracked with guilt already. At this very moment was he suddenly seeing the helpless little girl she had been and feeling sickened about what they had just done?
Rin reached down to clutch the wrist of his still healing left arm. Why did she love him? Gods - she could think of a million reasons. He was beautiful, proud, powerful, loyal, brave, intelligent --- but it went deeper than that.
"I must breath to live, ne?" she asked plainly.
"Of course." Sesshoumaru quirked an elegant eyebrow at her strange, somewhat pointless retort.
"And I must eat and drink as well?" she continued patiently, ignoring his adorably pompous, questioning look.
"Hai," he snorted, tossing his silken hair over his shoulder, clearly confused at where she was going with this.
"Well, I love you because I MUST. I need you --- you --- you don't have to say the same. You don't even have to feel the same. But just --- just try to understand, Sesshoumaru-sama."
She curled further into his chest, afraid to look in his face. Dimly, beneath her stroking fingers, she felt the faint relaxation of his jaw and realized the usually stone-faced demon was actually smiling again.
A slow, sleepy grin spread over her face in return, and she yawned contently.
"Arigatou, Sesshoumaru --- for tonight. Thank you for everything," she sighed. With that, she drifted to sleep, too exhausted to even dream, her fingers still twined in his long hair.
Sesshoumaru waited for the slow even breathing that indicated she was deeply asleep. "Omae no you na joshi ga ima made zenzen inakattanda," he whispered.
The taiyoukai pulled her closer against his frame in dumb wonder. He cradled the girl's head in the crook of his arm, and pondered what he had ever done to deserve a sweet, caring creature such as this in his life.
Yes --- this chapter sucks! But like I said this is the tame, rated R version! I'll fix it later when I have more time.
PS: Started to work on the drawings, coming along better than the story at least. Should have some up soon, when I find a place to put them!
VOCAB:
Aijin - My love, lover (I love this word!)
Anata wo aishiteru. Zutto aishiteite ima mo eien made! - I love you. I have always and will always love you!
Hajimete no Ai - First Love
Ima – Now
Itau ka? - Will it hurt?
Kaimaki – quilted winter blanket
Kokyuu shiro – Breathe
Kowaku na. Do not be afraid
Sess: Nande? / Rin: Doushite? - Why?
Rin: Nani ga okotteiru na no? / Sess: Nani ga okotteirundai - What's happening?
Nani shiterundesu ka? - What are you doing?
Ochitsuke - Relax/Just relax/Calm down
Omae no you na joshi ga ima made zenzen inakattanda. - There has never been another like you. (evil, bad, naughty Sesshoumaru --- NO "I love you's!"
Ugoku na - Be still
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