Phoenix: Crystal oh-so famous brain blasts strikes again!
Crystal: (Smiles) So, you better enjoy it.
Phoenix: Or we shall attack you in your sleep.
Warning: Out of season stuff and a chauvinistic, swearing Elf.
Disclaimer: (Shifty eyes) Yes, we own nothing.
"Hello, and welcome to 'Phoenix's first job,'" Crystal said, smiling into the camera. "What job is it? Well, let's just say Phoenix is making a lot of people happy. Let's get to it!" Crystal walked over to what looked like Santa's Workshop, "This is it! Phoenix's going to be Santa!"
In the workshop
"Hey, Doodles," an Elf called to his supervisor.
Doodles turned to the elf who called him. "What, Mumbles?"
"We have a new boss!"
"What!" Doodles dropped the toy hammer he was working on and gaped at his friend.
Nearby, a Dwarf leaned to say something to another. "He's upset because he thought he'd be the new Santa."
Doodles pushed past the other magical creatures and ran into a room with 'Santa's Room' engraved on the door. He looked around and saw that the room had been changed. Instead of all the good will and Christmas-y stuff he saw… "Weapons of mass destruction! What the (beep) is this!" he went to touch a plastic-looking thing.
Suddenly the door flew open and a girl barged in. "Don't touch that!" she bounded into him and pushed him out of the way before the thing exploded. The girl sighed, frustrated. "Great! Now what am I going to use on Jaken?"
Doodles stared at the girl. "Who- who are you?"
"I'm the new Santa! The name's Phoenix!"
"What! The new Santa can't be a girl!"
Phoenix gave him a glare. "Why not?"
"Because it's just not done!"
"Oh, well, you must be Doodles."
"How do you know that?" asked the discontent Elf.
"Well, I'm replacing you."
Doodle's eyes popped out. "What! With who!"
"My friend, Crystal."
At that moment Crystal walked in. "This stupid costume is too small! You can see my knees! Oh, hello Doodles." She patted Doodles on the head. "You've been demoted, little buddy!"
Doodles fumed. "I have not been demoted. You've been demoted! You've all been demoted!" His eye twitched crazily. "I'll kill you!" he pointed to Crystal.
"Huh!" Crystal looked around for protection.
"I'll kill you!" shrieked Doodles, getting out a gun and pointing it straight up at Crystal's head.
Crystal gasped.
And Doodles shot.
"……" Crystal felt her head. "Only a dent? Huh, I guess I'm bullet-proof."
Phoenix picked up Doodles by his collar. "Let's go." She threw him outside.
And then a man in an Easter bunny suit bounced by.
Crystal stopped. "Hey, stop hogging our season!" she grabbed him and threw him out. "And stay out, you egg-giving little rodent!"
"Well, the elves are done loading the toys! Come on, Crystal, it's time to deliver." Phoenix grinned turning to Crystal, who was sitting in the sled.
"Yes, deliver…." Crystal slipped a toy into her outfit. In a flash the two had taken off and were flying over Europe.
When they got to their first house Phoenix groaned. "They don't have a chimney!"
"So?" Crystal gave her a weird look.
"How am I supposed to get in?"
Crystal just sighed and went to the front door. "Like this." She punched out one of the glass windows.
"Interesting…." Phoenix walked in and put the toy underneath the tree. But when she turned around the whole family was at the stairs, staring at her. "Um, hi."
The youngest child walked up to her. "Are you Santa?"
"No, I just like breaking into people's houses and giving them presents," Phoenix said, sarcastically. "Of course, I'm Santa! That's my head Elf." She pointed to Crystal who was eyeing an expensive-looking china set.
The little girl scoffed. "She's not an Elf. Elves are small and cheery. Not big and thinking about stealing my mom's china set."
Crystal glared. "I'm more Elf then you'll ever be." she grabbed a cookie from the table.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh times infinity plus one!"
"Damn!" Crystal swore.
Phoenix shook her head and looked at the parents. "Uh, Crystal….."
Crystal looked up and saw the Father had pulled out a gun. The Father looked at them for a moment and shot. Crystal gasped, pulled the Easter Bunny out of her trousers and used him as a shield. "Let's get out of here!"
Phoenix nodded and in a second they had mounted the sled. They managed to avoid the shots but unfortunately they lost Rudolf. "Hey, wait a minute! Aren't you bullet-proof?"
"So?"
"Why'd you use the man in the Easter bunny for protection?"
Crystal shrugged. "Because I hate him. Stupid rabbit, hogging our season…"
When they got to the next house they were happy to see it had a chimney. Phoenix looked down the sooty tunnel and shook her head. "No way, you go first."
"No!" Crystal refused. Phoenix pushed her down anyways.
When Crystal got the soot out of her eyes she saw the scariest sight she's ever seen. "Oh. My. God."
Sitting in front of her was the biggest dog in the world. He put Clifford to shame.
"What? What's going on?" Phoenix called down the chimney after several minutes of waiting for Crystal to come back. When she didn't get an answer she went down herself. "Are you o…." she trailed off when she got a look at the scene in front of her. Crystal was sitting on a huge dog and petting him.
"Good doggy!" Crystal smiled, petting the dog behind his gigantic ears.
"Did you put the presents under the tree?" asked Phoenix.
Crystal froze. "Uh….."
Phoenix sighed.
After they were done with that house they moved on and on. That is, until they got to there own neighborhood. Phoenix went from house to house and finally stopped at Phoenix's. "Do I dare go in?"
"Dare."
"'Kay." Phoenix walked in and stared into her present sack. "Let's see, here's my present, mom's ….and Amal…." Phoenix's eyes lit up with mischief.
Crystal glanced at her. "What are you thinking about now?"
"Well, I was thinking maybe Amal has been naughty….."
"Aren't you a little biased?"
Phoenix pondered. "So? What's the point of being Santa if I can't reap the benefits?"
Crystal shrugged. "Eh, no hairs off my back."
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
Crystal: You want to guess what happened?
Phoenix: Review.
Crystal: You heard us!
Phoenix: ……Meep…..
REVIEW