"So what's going this time? We're reliving seventh year?" asked red-haired green-eyed Lily Marie Corinne Evans from her compartment inside the Hogwarts Express. She was sitting on the lap of James Christopher Ignatius Potter, a very attractive boy that she was still pretending to hate even though they were going out.
"Apparently the real author of these stories is very angry with most Lily-and-James stories and intends to do a lot of them, so I think we'll be doing this several times," suggested James Potter's best friend, Sirius Orion Polaris Black.
"But we're not supposed to talk about the real author, because we ought to be going on about the fake author that the real author is personifying, who we will refer to as the real author from now on," added Remus Jehosaphat Lupin from his seat in the crowded compartment.
"What?" asked a very stupid and fat Peter Dana Pettigrew from his seat on the floor, where he was secretly plotting the deaths of everyone on a piece of parchment.
"Shut up," said Sirius impatiently. "We've got to launch into those great descriptions of James and me, and then Remus, which make us sound like demigods of love."
"I'm good with that," said James, pausing to kiss Lily's nose.
James Potter and Sirius Black were without a doubt the best looking boys in the school, and they had gone out with every pretty girl in the school but now James is stuck on Lily like a colourful tsetse fly on a dying cow. (a/n: I thnk that metafors make literature more interesting and sophistickated. especially if I add faintly british spellins everywhur. don you all agree? or wait, was that a similee? gosh, I dunt kno where my brain is sometimes, even tho I obviously have a high opinion of myself and my writing) James Potter had windswept black hair that was always pleasantly tousled over his interesting hazel optics. Sirius Black had glorious hair the colour of his name that hung gracefully in his stone grey eyes. Both were tall and well-built.
Their friend Remus Lupin was another very good-looking boy, with sandy brown hair and kind brown eyes. He had a very nice smile, but at this point the author gets bored of describing people and stops putting in effort until it comes to madeups.
Peter Pettigrew is a fat flabby freak that everyone hates. The end of him.
Also in the compartment appeared Lily's best friend. In this type of story, Lily only has one friend who is more outgoing than she, involved with Sirius Black, and fantastically interesting. The two of them together are the prettiest and most sought after girls ever. Speaking of which,
Joellyne Karma Champagne was a gorgeous girl with soft blonde hair and big violet eyes. Her curves were practically perfect and she was excellent at Quidditch and kissing. She was sitting on top of Sirius Black, who was rather smug because a hot madeup had appeared in his lap.
"I'll get a nice one later," retaliated Remus.
"What?" asked Joellyne, who was not yet wise because the author hadn't said it yet.
"Nothing," muttered Remus. Joellyne was wise.
"Lily, I'll give you advice later. As for now, you only hurt the ones you love." Everyoen nodded sagely.
"Let's play Gobstones."
"Peter, you're fat and no one wants to play Gobstones with you," pronounced Sirius.
"Okay."
"We're here now," James stated.
At the Sorting, something very interesting happened.
"Ahem," said Professor Albus Dumbledore, clearing his throat. "We at Hogwarts are honoured to welcome a transfer student this year, who has been sorted into Gryffindor and is waiting in the common room to be discovered by the other seventh years."
"Shit," said Sirius.
In the common room, where the adventure really begins.
"I think that's him! I'm vaguely attracted though I'm not going leave James even if he suspects it, and I want to be nice to this boy!" said Lily.
"I want to bully him," said James and Sirius in unison.
"I'll help, though I'll read as well," offered Remus.
Peter was ignored, because he was thinking about his miserable life.
"Er, shall we meet him first?" asked Joellyne. (We told you she was wise) They walked up to the new boy.
He was tall and rather good-looking. He had wavy blond hair, a very nice smile, brilliant blue eyes, and an easily forgivable flaw. Let us say, he was too trusting. His arms were muscular but very nice looking and his teeth were white and straight. There was something interesting about this boy as well, which was that he had an antenna sticking out of the back of his head. He held out his hand.
"Hi! I'm Justin Lovitt—you can call me Juss—and I'm a transfer from Cadbury—"
"Just shove it!" cried out James and Sirius jubilantly. Remus snorted.
"Oh dear," said Lily. "I forgot all of these new people have names that are easy to make fun of!"
"Hah hah! Juss Lovitt, just shove it!" sang James and Sirius, holding hands with Remus and doing a little victory dance at having been so clever so very quickly. Peter sat alone, still plotting death and a midnight snack.
Remus broke the ring-around-the-rosie and sighed.
"If I have to dance every day, this is going to suck." He turned in the general direction of the author.
"Can we please have someone else with a different name?"
Instantly, another boy popped up out of an armchair. He was tall and handsome and had long black hair that he had done up in a ponytail to fall down his strong back. His eyes were as bright a green as the pustules of an infected victim of the plague (a/n: lolo, rn't I such a metaphor freak? hehehe). In his strong hands he held a thick black wand that glittered with diamond on the tip.
"Hello or bonjiorno," he held out his hand solemnly. "I am the new transfer from Kent, my name is Castellazio Focaccio Illigeni IV. I am a displaced Italian prince—" (a/n: im takin Italian at my school but ima still no good at spelling, lol lolol)
"Nevermind," said Remus hastily, "because in those stories everyone forgets to give me a nice Mary Sue!"
"Er, who cares?" said Sirius, putting his hand on an inappropriate part of Joellyne's eye-catching body. "I have mine. Besides, the princes are always assassinated by pixies or—"
"I can't make fun of his name!" whined James. "We need someone else!"
A third boy climbed in from the window and fell to the floor of the common room. He stood up and dusted off his luxurious red robes. His hair was curly and as brown as Honeydukes chocolate and his eyes were the pale blue of sapphires. He also held out his hand, and his redeemable flaw was being too vain. The interesting thing about him was the parakeet strapped to his head, which happened to be squawking out Chopsticks.
"Hello and oy, mates, my name is Prescott Novick—" The Marauders laughed maniacally.
"That's easy! He's Got No Di—"
"Sirius!" cried Lily, wringing her hands as Sirius shrugged and began kissing Joellyne as James hexed Prescott. "That's even worse! We'll take the first one!"
Suddenly, Prescott's parakeet turned into Voldemort's son and killed him and the Italian prince.
"Ciao…" coughed Castellazio before he died and the diamond from his wand made Voldemort's son evaporate. (a/n: im soooo good at writing plot twists lollollololol, noooooooooooone saw that one coming! am I not the next j.k.r. or wat?)
"So why do you have an antenna on your head?" asked Lily to Justin Lovitt, who was now the only new boy.
"Part of some prophesy that I don't know too much about. I'm here for protection against the Dark Lord, and I think you're pretty."
"I'm Lily," said Lily, and they shook hands.
"Lily, how can you like this guy? He's so…trusting!" shouted James, immediately in a jealous rage.
"I peed on my rabbit once," said Justin. "And I also wet the bed until I was ten!"
"Arrgh! I can't stand his blinding honesty! And the way he flirts with you! I think you like him better than me even though all evidence points to the contrary!" cried James, clutching his handsome head.
"James, I like honesty, and you are not always honest because you keep things from me like where you go once a month with Remus and Sirius and Peter! So now we're broken up!"
"Did I mention that I like you? And that I like wearing beaded bracelets from Hawaii?" chimed in Justin, being very truthfully as was his wont.
"Dammit!" James stalked off to bed. Remus followed because there was nothing else for him to do. Peter did too. Sirius did too, but later because of Joellyne. The author has decided to stop here, because she is now no longer interested in writing anything not having to do with Lily and Justin and James, nevermind that this is booked as LJ story.
…
At breakfast, the conversation went something like:
"This antenna allows me to hear what the Dark Lord's dead mother is thinking! I am trusting you all with this information! And I like the Care Bears!"
"It's okay, Justin, I will be your friend."
"Dammit!"
…
At lunch,
"Wow, thanks for teaching me those Charms Lily! Did I mention that my Uncle Bephirus knocked up a waitress from the local Mickey D's one time? It's our family secret!"
"Maybe you should be less open, Justin."
"Dammit!"
…
Dinner
"Good golly, Lily, I want to help you and James get back together because you and him are so perfect even though I had feelings for you."
"I'm glad, because I don't like you in that way. But wait, you had feelings, Justin? As in, in the past?"
"Well now I kind of have the hots for Professor McGonagall—"
"LOVITT! DETENTION!"
"Dammit to hell!"
…
The next evening, although this took place over weeks and weeks to flesh out the tale, Peter burst into the common room on Lily and James, who were finally getting along. As usual, James was seeing that Justin was not so bad as he had first seemed (even though he didn't really like him) and the three of them were sitting together on a couch.
"James! It's Remus, he needs us!" James stood up in a flash, looking (to Lily) determined and proud and strong and handsome all at once. Justin ran off to the bathroom, because he is not supposed to be in scenes like this.
"I must go!"
"But James!" cried Lily, throwing her arms around him, "I really like you now! Why are you always leaving me?"
"Lily," said James in a strong voice, putting his hands on her shoulders and staring straight into her eyes, "Remus is a werewolf. He needs me. Sirius, Peter, and I can change at will into different animals to help him. I am a stag. I love you. Will you join the Order of the Phoenix with me?"
"Oh, me too, and yes!" shouted Lily joyously. Justin returned from the bathroom, tweaking his antenna just as Lily was petting a James-stag on the head.
"Guess what guys? I have to go to Dumbledore! I just found out all the Dark Lord's secret plans! And they
…
…
…
Why the sudden end? Because the real author has never read past this point in an interloper story.