Thank you for the kind reviews. Thank you for the flames, too. Leslie, dear, thank you for being my Betaguard.
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"Go on!" Harry gasped, "Open it!"
He covered his mouth with his hands and leaned forward in an effort to contain himself. He was currently sitting in Hermione's flat with his two best friends, reading the responses to the handwritten plea that Ron and Hermione wrote. Although Harry never usually had a problem with self control, the responses were making him laugh himself into stomach cramps.
"Hang on, hang on," Hermione said, smiling brightly and opening a letter written on black paper. Harry looked up at her expectantly, but knew that she wouldn't start reading until he'd gotten control of himself. Fighting the urge to giggle, Harry leaned back against Ron's torso and folded his arms across his chest.
"Alright… Dear … Dear Fake Harmione… Well! You'd think that they'd have learned how to spell my name correctly by now!"
"Just read it! Harry's about to have an aneurism over here!" Ron said, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend lovingly.
"Alright… Your letter was … s… I think she means 'stupid', but she spelled it with an 'o'. Anyway… Your letter was stupid. Harmione is going to be with Ron WEASLEY."
"No need to shout it." Ron said.
"That's how it's written. And the rest of it is in capital letters now. Bold capital! … Harry is not a … faggit? … Get a life you suck forever love Ron and Harmiane's biggest fan four evah."
"What happened to all of the periods?" Ron asked, "Did they go into hiding when the grammar went to hell?" Harry was shaking with laughter at the thought of that. "And what in God's name is a 'faggit'? Some cheap brand of cigarette?"
Hermione tossed the letter into the fireplace along with the other sixteen the trio had read.
"This one looks good!" She said "Dear stupid face you are a loser with no friends. Get it strate, a woman and a man is supposed to be two-geth-r not the other way. Herms is gonna be with Ron can't Uck that now shut up and die hate forever none of You-are business."
"Uck?" Harry asked, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes, "What's uck? Let me see." Hermione handed the letter over and Harry skimmed down the page. "That's not uck, that's 'you see'. They wanted to save time by just writing the letters 'u' and 'c'."
"That's just asinine!" Hermione said, "It doesn't even make sense."
"You're not supposed to think logically when you're reading these," Ron said, "Because then you start asking yourself questions… such as 'what kind of hurry was he in that he had to abbreviate three letter words?' Let me read one."
"Maybe the asylum they're in sends out mail promptly at four?" Harry mused.
Hermione tossed Ron a letter, which he ripped open eagerly. Harry twisted himself around, trying to see if he could read it.
"Umm… Dear Writer," He said in a mock angry voice, "I think you're the one that needs to stop. … Hooo, this one's full of curse words! … They are … effing going to be together because they effing fight all the … effing time. They need each other, ok? …. Then there's a string of swears and insults… Avada Kedavra, boom you're dead. Signed, someone that knows."
"Someone that knows?" Hermione asked, "I'm guessing that their knowledge doesn't include letter etiquette. Although this one actually had correct spelling from the sound of it."
"You know what they say," Harry said as Ron tossed the letter into the fireplace, "Put enough monkeys in front of a typewriter and one will eventually bang out the works of Shakespeare."
"Typewriter?" Ron asked.
"Nothing, love," Harry said, "Can I read one?"
"May I," Hermione said, handing one over, "This one's relatively light."
Harry opened the letter and pulled out an index card. "Must've been on a budget… "Don't you have anything better to do than to bash Ron and Hermione?"
Hermione waited for a moment, then asked "Is that it?"
"That's it," Harry said, laughing, "One line. All lowercase. Right to the point." He tossed the letter aside, chortling energetically. "I keep waiting to get tired of these, but with every letter, I enjoy myself more. Let's have another one, Hermione!"
"One more, alright?" Hermione said, smiling and picking up a letter, "We're going to rot our brains on these! … Oh, look at this! It's from J.K Rowling's twin daughters!"
"She doesn't have twin daughters," Harry said.
"Exactly," Hermione said, " Dear Author. We are J.K's twin daughters and our mom told me that she plans to put Ron with Hermione because she knows we like them. So sorry, but Ron isn't gay and Harry isn't with Hermione, but keep reading our books! Love, JK's daughters Avadera and Kedavara Rowling."
"You're pissing me, aren't you?" Ron asked, holding his hand out for the letter.
"It's right here is pink and white," Hermione said, handing it over. Ron looked as though someone had asked permission to pick his nose for him.
"Haven't these people ever heard of boundaries?" Harry asked. He'd stopped laughing when he heard that one. Homophobic comments were annoying, but he could brush them off easily. This amount of nerve just got to him.
Ron seemed to know what he was thinking. "Some day, love, the truth'll come out," he said, squeezing Harry's hand reassuringly, "And if not…"
"If not then what does it matter?" Hermione finished. She slid off of her chair and sat down in front of her best friends who were propped up against the couch, "The books are as accurate as Rowling could make them. Aside from that one part about romantic history, they're flawless."
"I know, I know," Harry said. He was still a little upset at J.K from his last visit with her. Maybe he had lost his temper, and he knew he'd gripped onto her leg for longer than was polite, but he didn't think it necessary for her to call her bodyguards on him. And he definitely thought that she could have offered him something to drink after he spent forty-five minutes banging on her front door instead of sending out her Doberman to chase him off.
"Feel like reading another one?" Hermione asked.
"No, that's enough for now," Harry said, "I don't want to wear myself out. Feel like going to a movie?"
"Really? I'd love to!" Ron said. He and Harry didn't live in muggle London. He'd only been to the movies once before with Harry and Hermione and he was still in awe. "Mind paying our way, Hermione? I left my muggle money in my other pants." Hermione raised her eyebrow. "Promise I'll pay for the next two times."
"It's alright, Ron," She said, standing up and offering him a hand to get up, "I don't mind."
"Just don't shout advice to the characters on the screen this time," Harry said, "It's not helpful, as they can't hear you."
"They…" Ron watched Harry and Hermione put on their shoes and coats, "I… I know they can't…"
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That evening, as Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat on the couch of Harry and Ron's living room enjoying hot drinking chocolate, there was a scratching sound at the window. Harry got up to check what it was.
"Do you think that in some alternate reality we would have been together, though?" Ron asked, "I'm just wondering, is all."
"Do you?" Hermione asked, giving him her 'be serious' look.
"Not really," Ron said, stealing a sip of Harry's drink, "I just don't understand what logic people use that brings them to you plus me."
Harry came back into the living room with a bundle of loose papers.
"Mail?" Ron asked hopefully.
"Yeah," Harry said, engrossed in the stack of paper, "While I was getting it, I noticed that you haven't cleaned the dishes or the floor as you promised."
"I'll get to it," Ron said, "I'll even dry them and put them away." Hermione snorted and coughed simultaneously, then covered her mouth with her hand. "What? I will!" Ron said.
"What's that?" Hermione asked, "The manuscript to the next book?"
"Sort of," Harry said, "J.K's going over her plans for the next book and wanted to make sure she got the sequence in order… … what in the… …"
Harry's brow suddenly furrowed and he brought the paper closer to his eyes.
"Harry?" Hermione asked, looking concerned.
Ron stood up to go see what was wrong, but Harry walked past him and sat on a chair. He was hunched over the paper now, mouthing the words to himself as he read them.
"Sweetie, is everything alright?" Ron asked. He crept up behind his boyfriend and leaned over to read what had caught Harry's attention.
'For book six, you'll be paired up with Ronald's sister Ginny momentarily, as you yourself requested that the details of your love life be kept as close to the original as possible. However, you'll find that instead of going to Ron afterwards, Ron and Hermione will be the ones holding each other instead. I'll probably go with that pairing, using the dialogue from the early days of you romance with Ron. I realize that's not why you wrote it out for me,(thank you, by the way, for the detailed stick figure drawings of you two on holiday) but I've got no choice. Don't try to dispute it either, Harry, it's going to happen, and you know why.
Cheers,
J.K. Rowling
… Oh boy.
"How…" Harry breathed, "How… oh HELL NO!" He shouted, standing up so that the papers fell all over the floor.
"Want to help me with the dishes, Hermione?" Ron asked, taking her arm and pulling her towards the kitchen.
"But what about---" She began, walking backwards, her eyes glued to the tirade Harry was working himself into.
"Once he starts, it's best not to try to stop him." Ron said.
Hermione watched Harry for a few more seconds, then, without taking her eyes off of him said, "I'll wash, you sweep?"
"Yes. Good. Let's go." Ron said, ducking a porcelain gillyweed that Harry threw.
"DAMN YOU, ROWLING!"