Disclaimer: I, of course, do not own Gravitation, Murakami Maki has that honor.

AU My take on what might have happened if Shuichi had not managed to get there in time to save Reiji from Yuki. Manga Vol. 9.

Playing the Game

Prologue

He had always thought that Tokyo wasa city fulllight, but on warm summer evenings New York could rival any city for the sheer amount of illumination lighting the sky. While looking atTokyo in the evening was like trying to count the stars in the sky, while looking at New York City was more like being in the center of a huge disco. New York City was a never ending barrage of surging, pulsing light throbbing to the beat of the city. But, whereTokyo always seemed bright, even on rainy nights, New York City could be a very dark and dangerous place. New York was especially dark on rainy nights.

Tonight was one of those nights. The rain had been falling for two days straight and tonight was no exception. The rain seemed to falling harder this evening, attempting to drown out any good spirit that might be left in the city. The lights of New York were being obscured by the multitudes of umbrellas that masked any illumination that might have penetrated the rain.

The pouring rain suited Shuichi's mood just fine. But, as he trudged through the puddles and from storefront to storefront to keep dry, he did envy those around him with umbrellas. For just this one evening, he refused to allow himself to sink into depression. Depression had been his constant companion for the past several months. At times, the senses of loneliness, loss, and betrayal, were so overwhelming that he could do little to control the urge to take his own life. He even had several small scars on his wrists from where he had started to cut, and then chickened out at the last minute when he saw the blood.

"Baka," Shuichi called himself, "I am an idiot, too stupid and cowardly to even kill myself."

Shuichi could still only wonder at the distressing turn his life had taken only a few months before. It seemed it was only yesterday that he and his best friend Hiro were the hottest new rock band in Japan. They were the hottest thing to hit that country since the legendary band Nittle Grasper hit the airwaves. But, it seemed to him that just as his success in the music business was beginning to rise, his personal life had taken a downward spiral that had finally led here, friendless and penniless. He was now no more that one of the homeless faces that most people never saw, or refused to see. And, right now, not being seen was just what he wanted.

Shuichi felt that even though at one time in his life he had been well on his way to becoming rich and famous, his life was really better now. And, even though he was desperately lonely, there was no pressure anymore. There was no pressure to be what he wasn't, no pressure to perform. During his last few months in Japan, he felt that he constantly had to be something, or someone he wasn't. Those last few months were a constant performance for him. Everyone seemed to want something from him, things thathe no longer felt he was able to give. At the end, all he felt like was a "thing", not even human anymore.

Shuichi knew that the problem was mostly his own fault. He just could not let himself be seen as less than perfect in anyone else's eyes and everyone he knew seemed to want something different from him. His manager Mr. K expected him always to be the "good boy" and to do what he was told. Suguru, the synth player in his band Bad Luck always expected him to sing perfectly, even if he happened to be suffering from Laryngitis that day. Even Shuichi's singing idol Sakuma Ryuichi of Nittle Grasper, always expected the best competition and sometimes, it seemed to him, that Ryuichi would like more that friendship. Even his best friend Hiroshi seemed to always expect him to be incompetent. It was like Hiro was looking forward to his problems and little breakdowns. Oh, yeah, Hiro was a great comforter. And, then there was one Yuki Eiri. No, he would not think about Yuki right now, he couldn't afford to. That part of his life was over and he knew he had to get on with what was lying ahead of him now.

Life in New York had not been easy, but if he could ever get over the loneliness and depression, Shuichi felt he could make something of himself here. His biggest difficulty was his lack of language skills. Even after several months of living here, he still could only speak very little English. He felt lucky that after months of looking for work, he had finally found a job as a keyboard player for a third-rate club band. And, he was more that grateful for the opportunity. And, even though he had not played the keyboards since Bad Luck had been signed to the NG Record label in Japan, he found he had not forgotten how. Although, he was a little rusty, it had all come back easily enough with practice. And, he had to admit to himself that he had been damned lucky to find any work at all.

Shuichi knew that his Visa to work in the United States has expired last month and he was now working here illegally. The Visa was only good for six months and he had been here seven months now. There was no way he could apply for another and remain the faceless person he so desired. This, in combination with his lack of English skills, lack of equipment, and need to remain anonymous, made finding work extremely difficult. He was lucky to find a position that paid "under the table", had their own equipment, and did not ask too many questions. To the other band members and the management of the club his name was Ryu Uesugi. Ryu for his friend and idol Ryuichi, and Uesugi for, well…, Shuichi had to stop his thoughts again from straying into dangerous territory. "Baka," he called himself again for forgetting to keep control of his thoughts.

Shuichi, or Ryu as he was now called, once again tried to focus on his luck. He actually felt lucky to be living his life for himself for a change. He thought that "Bad Luck" was probably the best name possible for his old band. It had only seemed to bring him bad luck.He actually managed a smile at the thought of 'Good riddance to Bad Luck'.

Cerulean eyes started out at the world passing him quickly by. The usual boyish glee was gone from his face. Sudden panic made the luminous eyes squeeze closed. I seemed to the man that he had suddenly been locked in a room with no color and no sound. There was no light and no music, nothing was shining.

'When did my entire world turn gray?' Ryuichi wondered to himself, and not for the first time. It was no use trying to fool himself, he knew exactly when it had happened. He couldn't deny it anymore, not to himself or to anyone else. He had tried very hard to escape the truth. Everything in his world had turned gray the minute he had learned of Shuichi's disappearance.

FLASHBACK

He hated to admit it to himself, but had missed the rival singer who had managed to worm his way into his affections. As a matter of fact, he was missing him more than a little. Recording of his latest single had went well and he was days ahead of schedule. Because of all of his hard work, his producer and friend, Tohma Seguchi, had said that he could have a couple of extra days off. Days he was planning on spending in New York, visiting with Shuichi. The sudden shrill ringing of the phone stopped him from going out the door to catch his flight. Grabbing the device in irritation, he picked it up only to hear Tohma's pleading voice.

"Ryuichi-san I need for you to get back here to the studio as soon as possible." The voice on the other end did not hold the cool reserve that his friend usually displayed, there was anger and impatience.

"Nani? ...Tohma-kun said we could we could have a few days off. Kuma-chan remembers no na da!"

"I'm sorry Ryu but I do need for you to get down here."

He could clearly hear the exasperated sigh the accompanied the words. This display of outward emotion was certainly unusual for the usually stoic man. At least he always tried to hide it from him. Feeling the tears threatening to cloud his eyes he did the only thing he could think to do at the time and shouted into the receiver, "Kuma-chan says Ryu-chan hates you now!" He slammed the receiver back into the cradle, gritting his teeth in an attempt to control his anger.

The small singer quickly dashed the tears from his eyes and the pout he had been wearing was pulled into a flat frown. He glanced over his shoulder to give the overnight bag sitting next to the door a longing look. The pink bunny sitting on top of the bag seemed to accusing him of betrayal.

On his way out the door, he grabbed the forlorn looking bunny. His bestest friend and the only confidant he had in the world. "Sorry Kuma-chan," he told the bunny, "I know I promised that we were going to New York to see Shu-chan, but Tohma-kun says he needs us now." He could see his own disappointment reflected in the toy's eyes and made another promise, "We'll catch the next flight."

Kumagarou's ear lost a few more patches of the already chewed up fur before the taxi pulled into the studio's lot. Ryuichi ran inside, ignoring the elevator in favor of the stairs. He was only going to the third floor and knew he could beat the elevator up in any case. The sooner this was over and done with, the sooner he could get on a plane.

He could see that Tohma was pacing the studio when he arrived. Surprisingly, the only other people present were the members of Bad Luck, Shu-chan's band. The guitar player, Hiroshi Nakano, looked nervous and upset. Suguru Fujisaki, the keyboard player and Tohma-kun's cousin, just looked agitated. Seguchi's head snapped around at his entrance and the fake smile that he really hated appeared on the man's face.

"Ryuichi-san, I am glad you were able to make it on such short notice." Ryu had to hold back the laugh that almost found its way out. It wasn't like he was really given much choice.

The false smile never left Tohma's face and as usual, the smile was starting to creep him out. He had seen that same smile directed at others many times but it had never before been directed at him. He was beginning to wonder if he had done something terribly wrong. Maybe Seguchi had discovered his intended trip to New York. Everyone knew just how much he disliked Shindou. The relief he felt when Tohma finally spoke was short lived.

"I need a big favor Ryuichi-san." So, this was the reason for the fake smile, Tohma hated asking anyone for favors. "Bad Luck is scheduled for a live concert next week. I am going to need for you to stand in for Shindou-san."

All he could manage as a response was an open-mouthed gape. "But, Tohma-kun Shuichi-kun is supposed to come back to sing for that." The slightly soggy pink bunny was now hanging forgotten from his left hand.

While he was talking Tohma had paced to the other side of the room. At Ryuichi's words, the blonde rounded quickly, "Shindou-san will not be there to sing. As a matter of fact, Shindou-san may never sing again." The false smile was now replaced by a look of pure venom. Ryuichi started to open his mouth in protest, but he was cut off by Tohma's next vile words. "It seems that Shindou-san has gone missing. No one has seen or heard from him in two weeks."

His body seemed to react before his mind had even registered what had been said. Colors and sounds all ran together. He found himself falling to his knees. He wouldn't breathe due to the shooting pains in his chest.

Later, the doctors at the hospital told him that he had suffered a small heart attack. He didn't really believe it because deep inside he knew what had really happened. Shuichi was gone. In the short time he had with his young rival, the boy had managed to fill a hole in his heart that he not even known existed.

Immediately after the attack, things had seemed to return to normal. Colors and sounds returned to the way they should be. As time went on and Shuichi remained missing, it was like there was some giant leech bleeding all of the life out of his world. Even worse, he could seem to care about anything any more. He tried desperately to hide it, but even that was getting to be too much of an effort.

END FLASHBACK

The motorcycle pulled to the curb and Ryuichi could only stare up at his dismal gray apartment building, lost in his own thoughts.

"Ryu…Ryu…RYUICHI!" Tatsuha's loud shout, almost in his ear, finally managed to bring him back to the real world.

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