Where It All Starts
A long stretch of white gleaming sand fanned out in front of us, littered with a few glittering shells. Overhead the soft cry of a sea gull echoed in the distance while the waves crashed against the rocks, the retreating tide stroking their coarse surfaces. A slight breeze whistled through the air, combing its fingers through my hair.
Feeling someone walking beside me, I smiled at the warm sensation surrounding my fingers as he reached down and squeezed my hand. After all these years I had almost given up on finding someone like him. Occasionally as we walked, we exchanged various comments about the weather, but mostly we were quiet, allowing a sacred silence, one that only lovers could understand, wash over us.
Absently we both came to a stop to watch the fading evening lights. Ever so slowly the sun descended towards the sea, a blood-red shadow spilling and splashing over the water, while a variety of pinks, yellows, and reds highlighted the heavens.
"It's so beautiful," I whispered, enchanted. Briefly I closed my eyes, breathing in the ever-present salty taste while the sun's waning warmth caressed my body.
"Yes. Beautiful," he replied huskily.
My cheeks flushed red as I shyly lifted my gaze only find his eyes intently transfixed upon mine. Strips of dark hair strands floated unnoticeably in front of his eyes, his facial features a bit bleary. Tenderly he raised his hand, stroking my cheek with his thumb. Reaching up, I caught his hand and leaned my cheek into his palm, placing a soft kiss against his inner wrist.
As he stepped closer, my eyes involuntarily closed as he bent forward, brushing his lips against mine. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I moved closer into his embrace, deepening the kiss. Impulsively one of his hands reached out, lightly massaging my hair. A passion, unlike any I had ever witnessed, broke out between us as he slid my tongue along the bottom of my lip, pleading for entry. Uncertainly, I relaxed my jaw and his tongue slipped in, rubbing the back of mine. Inhaling sharply, I dug my nails into his back. Unable to think logically, the feel of his lips sealed against mine swept me away into another place, one I had never visited, even while I was dating Skull.
Slowly he broke away, leaning his forehead against mine; his heavy breathing patterns matched mine. "I love you, Kimberly," he whispered suddenly, brushing my hair off of my face. "I always have."
My breath hitched in my throat at his words. Wordlessly, my gaze immediately snapped up towards his as his face suddenly became clear. My mouth dropped.
"Jason?" I gasped in surprise, taking a step back.
My eyes snapped open and I sat up with a start, beads of sweat dripping from my forehead. I shot a quick glance at the clock beside my bed and groaned. The red numbers, glowing in the darkness, read 5:30 A.M. I sighed, pressed a hand to my forehead, and leaned back against my pillows, breathing heavily. The dream, which had haunted me for the past several weeks, repeatedly flashed through my mind, searing its images into my memory. Slowly the adrenaline pumping through my veins lessened and my heartbeat slowed to its normal pace.
Unable to go back to sleep, after a half an hour of tossing and turning, I pushed back my covers, slipped on my robe, made my way over to my desk, and reached for my journal.
I had that dream again—the one, which has been reoccurring over the past several weeks. It's always the same. I'm strolling along a sandy beach, barefoot, the salty wind blowing my hair about my face. But I'm not alone. Although I can't see his facial features clearly, it's like I know him. Then while stopping to watch the sun set, he leans down and kisses me. As he pulls away, his face becomes clear.
It's Jason!
Then I wake up.
It's strange, but lately I've been experiencing these feelings— which I can't deny. It seems like everything I've ever known since I was a little girl is changing and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Part of me wants to explore these new undeniable emotions, but the other part of me wants things to remain the way they've always been. However, these feelings are strong…like I don't have a choice.
I am so confused right now.
A month ago my boyfriend broke my heart. After dating for six months, I caught him making out with another girl. Then things got really weird. Needing comfort, I went to my best friend only to learn he's been crushing on me for several years.
During the last month I've been avoiding him, unable to find the courage to face him after running off like I did. I just can't bear to see the pain of rejection bleeding in his eyes. After what happened with Skull and then hearing about Jason's crush, I…instead of seeing Jason, I flashbacked to when Skull told me how he had "fallen" for me…and I-I panicked.
For the last fifteen years, Jason and I have always been the best of friends and I don't want that to change. But the severe pain I suffered because of Skull's betrayal has made me scared. Scared that something could happen between Jason and I, which could and would ruin our friendship.
Although my parents say being friends is where it all starts, I'm scared of unintentionally hurting Jason, who means so much to me. Unfortunately, I think I already did. During this morning at Sunday school, he tried to talk to me, but I ignored him.
Oh, God, what am I going to do?
Like ever girl I want to be loved. I want someone to care, to catch me when I'm falling, to wipe away my tears, and to be there for me. I want to experience what my parents share, an unbreakable love.
I know there is someone out there for me and that I'll meet him in due time, but it gets so lonely traveling this road alone. Everywhere I look, I see couples strolling together, holding hands, kissing, and hugging. It seems like everyone has someone to love and hold on to, and yet here I am alone.
Will I ever find my someone?
Swallowing hard, I shook my head and tried to push back the lump rising in my throat, my pen rapidly moving across the pages. A few tears seeped through my tightly closed eyelids and began making their way down my cheeks. Splotches of water stained my journal entry. With so many emotions coursing through my mind, I couldn't concentrate anymore.
It hurt too much.
I had to get away.
I was suffocating.
Closing my journal, I quickly changed, hoping a walk in the crisp, cool morning air might help calm the numerous thoughts plaguing my mind. Zipping up my jacket, I pushed open the front door, a blast of frigid, cold winter air slapping my face. Momentarily my cheeks stung as I hurried down the pathway leading to the street. The earlier downpour had diminished to a light, almost unnoticeable drizzle. As a gust of wind blew through the neighborhood, the leaves and grass blades quivered, touched by the wind's invisible hand. Shadowy images reflected off the ground while tree limbs slapped against the windows of homes whose residents had long ago retired. A white blanket of morning dew frosted the grass blades.
Aimlessly I wandered the streets of my childhood, not knowing my destination and not really caring either. Shoving my hands deeper into my pockets, I kicked at a stray rock lying in my path, watching it skip along the ground before disappearing into the shadows of a nearby bush. A still and quiet atmosphere filled the air, occasionally broken by the screeching cricket music and the low hoot from an owl flying overhead in search of a midnight snack.
Slowly my mind drifted back over the previous month's events, which had led to the awkward situation I now found myself facing.
After dating for six months, my boyfriend, Skull, broke my heart by cheating on me with another girl in our class. In the beginning his lies blinded me to the truth, until I accidentally walked in on them kissing in a deserted classroom. Without another word, I fled into the raging rainstorm, running to the only person I knew of to seek comfort from: Jason. If only I had listened to him when he tried to warn me about Skull's two-timing reputation, maybe then I could have saved myself from a lot of heartache and wasted tears. Instead, I foolishly ended up blindly giving away my heart to someone, who I thought had cared, only to watch helplessly as he tore it apart.
Arriving at my destination, I pounded on the door, which soon opened to reveal the six-foot figure of my best friend. Speechlessly, he stared at me in surprise, taking in my dripping wet attire and the smeared make-up tracks streaming down my cheeks. Without a word I threw myself in his arms, clutching the folds of his black sweater and buried my face in his chest, involuntary sobs erupting from my throat. Instantly his arms surrounded my waist, but I couldn't explain what had happened.
Pulling me into the house, he allowed me to change into some of his younger sister's old clothes. Both his sister and parents were out at the moment so it was just the two of us. As I changed, Jason called both of our parents and asked them if I could stay for dinner. They agreed.
While awaiting the return of his parents, Jason put on The Mummy Returns, one of my favorite movies, and the two of us curled up on the couch to watched the film. Above, the ceiling had echoed with the patter of raindrops. In the distance, thunder rumbled and lightning flashed. Currents of rain poured outside the windows, blurring nearby buildings. An orangish-black glow, generated from the crackling fire lit inside the handsome, marble fireplace, scurried over the walls, like creeping shadows.
Soundless and blurry scenes danced across the TV screen, but I couldn't concentrate. My vision clouded, as the image of Skull in that deserted classroom in another girl's arms, his lips firmly sealed against hers and their arms locked around each other in a passionate embrace repeatedly flashed before my eyes. I inhaled sharply as more tears forced their way through my tightly closed eyelids and streamed down my cheeks. Swiftly I covered my mouth, but a small sniffle escaped my lips.
Hearing my soft whimpers, Jason shifted his position, grasping my chin and tilting it up to meet his gaze, unanswered questions blazing in his eyes. Unable to stand the specks of concern and worry blazing in his eyes, I collapsed in his arms and poured out the entire story. His eyes darkening with anger, his mouth twisted as he struggled to prevent a stream of anger words waiting to erupt. Unconsciously, his arms tightened around me, reassuringly rubbing my back as I buried my face in his chest. Wet splotches from my tears speckled his shirt, but he didn't object. He just held me silently, stroking my hair, whispering soothing words. That's how his parents found us when they returned a few minutes later.
Physically drained a few hours later, I fell into a fitful sleep while still lying in Jason's arms. At the feel of him picking me up, I briefly woke up, but my eyes remained closed, as he carried me up to their guestroom. After tucking me in, I expected him to leave, but then the mattress shifting downward. Squinting through my eyelashes, I saw a fleeting expression of genuine concern flicker across his face while his gaze remained intently transfixed on me.
"How could he do this to you?" he whispered softly as if speaking to himself, while tenderly caressing my hair.
I involuntarily shivered at the feathery sensation spidering down my spine. I hadn't felt anything like this since…instantly I slapped the impossible thought away. We were best friends. Nothing more.
"If only he could see what I see…" he continued, unaware of my internal struggle.
Long after he had retired, I lay awake, unable to ignore the compassion hidden within those words. Could he…no it was impossible. Again I shoved the possibility away, but it relentlessly bounced back. We were best friends. I argued. There was no way…it's not possible. As my eyelids grew heavy with want of sleep, I still couldn't shut off my brain. Sleep eluded me that night as numerous unanswerable thoughts plagued my mind.
The following morning, my heart weighed heavily from the lingering images of the previous day's events freshly seared into my memory. Over breakfast with Jason, both his parents had left for work and his sister had spent the night at a friend's home, I had innocently asked him if he thought someone could ever fall in love with someone like me.
"Of course I do," he had responded.
I blinked, shocked by his words. "But why?" I argued, disbelieving as my cheeks flushed from the warmth and softness evident in his voice. "I'm nobody special. I'm not beautiful and I'm not very funny; I'm just a know-it-all, stubborn girl. What's so special about me?" While waiting for his response, I couldn't help thinking, if I was so desirable, why did Skull cheat on me?
"You can't even imagine how wrong you are, Kimberly," he chuckled, leaning across the table and grasping both of my hands. "I'm sure there are lots of men out there who realize just how incredible you really are. You're the smartest girl I know; you're beautiful, funny, comforting, and honest..."
"You're my best friend," I argued, rolling my eyes. "You have to say that."
"Actually I shouldn't say that because I'm your best friend."
Fear's icy fingers gripped my heart at his tone. "W-what do you mean?"
"I like you…I like you more than I should."
The air whooshed from my lungs as I stumbled backwards. Repeatedly I shook my head, my vision blurring as I re-lived the night Skull came to my window in the pouring rain, saying those exact words. I had believed him. Foolishly, blindly, I gave my heart away. Then I found him kissing that girl. Had he even care? Pain flared up in Jason's eyes as I backed away repeatedly shaking my head and refusing to believe him.
"Kimberly, I've felt this way for as long as I can remember," he had pleaded, reaching out his hand towards mine.
I had pulled away from him and jumped to my feet as if his touch would scald me. "I-I have to go," I stammered, refusing to meet his gaze as I hurried towards the door.
"Kimberly, wait!"
His pleas fell on deaf ears, as I had pulled open the door and fled.
Lifting my eyes, I found myself standing in front of Jason's house. I cringed, images of our recent encounters during this past month flooding my mind. A slight twinge of pain tore through my heart as I suddenly realized how much I had missed all the times we used to spend together. Why did everything have to suddenly change? Why couldn't it remain like it had been during the days of our childhood?
Feeling an urge to explain things to him, I walked over to the side fence, reached over, found the lock, and opened it. I haven't done this for several years, I thought to myself, flashing back to all the times when I used to sneak out to meet Jason. We spent numerous nights lying on our backs in his backyard under a canopy of shimmering stars while talking about our greatest desires, dreams, and fears.
Shaking myself awake, I pushed open the gate and slipped into his backyard. A light shone in the garage and I quietly made my way towards it. Apparently I wasn't the only one suffering from insomnia.
Gently I nudged the garage's side door open, instantly the light from inside spilled out into the night. Soundlessly I slipped inside. Not too far away, Jason, dressed in an old, faded pair of jeans and a red polo shirt, stood with his back to me. Several strands of his dark hair hung across his eyes. Oblivious to my presence, he absently brushed them back, once again becoming engrossed in his work.
"Hey, Jason," I whispered softly.
At the sound of my voice, his head snapped up and turned towards my direction, barely avoiding hitting his thumb with his hammer.
"Kimberly!" He exclaimed a little too loudly.
"I didn't mean to startle you."
"Oh…" As his voice trailed off, his eyes strayed to where his hammer lay and his cheeks flushed when he saw how close he had come to hitting himself. "You didn't," he continued with an uneasy laugh.
Quickly he shoved his tools away before turning back to face me. An awkward silence fell as we stared at each other, neither one of us quite knowing what to say. Absently my eyes wandered around the garage. Numerous boxes cluttered the back corner while cobwebs hung from the rafters. Several shelves, housing Jason's tools, jutted out of the walls while his worktable stood nearby. This place hasn't changed much in the past few years, I thought to myself, the ghost of a smile crossing my lips. As if feeling his eyes, I turned towards Jason. How long had he been watching me?
"I have seen you around lately." His accusing tone broke the silence.
I winced and dropped my gaze to my feet. "Oh…yes, um…I-I've…I've been busy," I explained, uncertainly.
His gaze never wavered and I knew he didn't believe me. I had been avoiding him and he knew it. But I just didn't know what else to do! After what he told me a month ago…a day after I had broken up with my boyfriend…I just didn't know what else to do. I had needed time to heal, to think, and hopefully to sort out what it was that I wanted. Jason meant too much to me to turn him into a rebound boyfriend.
"Things will never be the same again, will they?" I whispered after a while, my voice barely audible, but he still caught every word.
"Do you really want them to be?" he asked quietly. As I lifted my gaze to meet his, a myriad of unknown feelings flickered through his eyes.
"I…I don't know," I stammered, looking away while leaning against his workbench. "Everything is happening so fast…First Skull and I break up and then you dropped a bomb shell on me by admitting that you have a crush on me. It's just it was so sudden…none of my previous relationships have ever been this serious." Absently I moved to stare out the garage's side door's window, wrapping my arms around my middle. "This never would have happened if I had just listened to you in the first place when you tried to warn me about Skull!"
Feeling his slow and even footsteps stopping behind me, I briefly closed my eyes, unbidden tears welling up in my eyes. Grasping my shoulder, he turned me around so we were facing each other. Blinking, a few spilled over and slid down my cheeks as I stared up at him. Gently, he brushed them away with his thumb. Choking back a sob, I threw my arms around him, clutching the folds of his shirt tightly. Silently, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. I snuggled closer. It had been a while since I felt this close to him.
"Why me?" I asked after a while. "I mean, what is it about me that attracted you?"
"Your smile," he explained with a chuckle. "You have a beautiful smile. Also, you were my first friend when I met you at the bible study your parents used to host in your home every Sunday evening.
"You're a loyal, compassionate, trustworthy friend, and a great listener. You don't interrupt when I'm telling you something or hurry me along; you wait patiently, allowing me the time I need to say what I need. Ever since I've known you, I've never seen you judge someone because of his or her age or race. You're easy to talk to and you're always encouraging people to be themselves."
Speechless, I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. Something I had never seen in his eyes, reflected back at me. Swallowing hard, I had to struggle to keep my voice from shaking.
"Jason, are you…" I swallowed again, desperately searching for the right words. "Do you really have a crush on me?" He nodded slightly. "I don't understand," I exclaimed, shaking my head, "if you've had a crush on me for so long, why didn't you ever say anything?"
"Because…because I was a coward; I was afraid of ruining our friendship. Besides," he added as an after thought, "it was obvious you'd never feel anything for me."
I stared up at him, my eyes clouding with disbelief. It had never occurred to me that he might feel the same way. For as long as I have known him, at times it's been difficult deciphering his emotions since he, unlike myself, doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve.
"Jason?" My throat constricted, momentarily cutting off my words. I cleared my throat, backing up a little so I could see his face, and started over. "This has been a real confusing month. I feel so torn and so splintered especially after what happened with Skull. My hormones are going all over the place…and…I'm not sure how I feel. I need time. I need time to heal. It may take me awhile, but will…will you be there for me?"
"Always," he whispered, one of his hands slipping down to capture my hand and squeezing it. The brief gesture reminded me of my reoccurring dream "I'll always be there for you," he continued, breaking my reverie.
Stepping back into his embrace, I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his chest. My eyes involuntarily closed at the feathery sensation of his fingers caressing my hair.
Ever since a young age, Jason had become a permanent fixture in my life, but I never dreamed of one day traveling this particular road with him. However, looking back over the years, our friendship, I realized, had deepened, possibly turning into the relationship I had wanted for so long.
Unexpectedly, my mind drifted back to a conversation I had had with my mother when I told her about all the confusing and insecure feelings I was experiencing while trapped inside the game of relationships every young woman encounters during her growing up years. Friendship, that's where it all starts. Her words echoed in my mind. Glancing towards Jason, I realized she had been right. Perhaps in due time, our friendship could ripen into the deeper and everlasting relationship I have been searching and longing for. But, until that time, I was content to be his friend.
After all, that is where it all starts.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: holds up both hands Okay, Tommy/Kimberly fans don't hate me. I do like the Tommy/Kimberly ship, but there is just something alluring about the Jason/Kimberly pairing that I like. Please R&R and let me know what you thought.
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