AUTHORS NOTE: Sadly I can't post most of the two previous chapters due to the content, so I will just put up a brief summary followed by the end of the last chapter. This will be followed by part six proper. Thank you to all my reviewers, and if you want to read this in all its NC-17 glory, please check out my LJ - user name - chosha(underscore)sama.
Al has decided that since Ed won't tell him who he is seeing, he will find out for himself. He follows Ed to work, and discovers that Eds 'girlfriend' is in fact Havoc. Al doens't react terribly well to this, and accuses Ed of not trusting him enough to share this with him. Ed misinterprets what Al says, and decides the only way to make it up to Al is to break it off with Havoc. Ed goes to Havocs house, where they have sex for the last time before Ed springs it on Havoc that he can't see him anymore.
I can't see you anymore."
For the second time that night, Havoc felt the bottom fall out of his stomach.
What? I thought...
"Why? What happened?"
"It's not anything you've done. It's just...doing this is interferring with too many other things. I had to choose, and there was no way you could win. I'm sorry Jean."
"Then why? What was this?" Havoc knew he was starting to sound panicked, but he didn't care. "Why did you do this then if you wanted to end it?"
"I'm sorry. I know it's selfish of me, but I wanted one last time to remember before it was over. I'm sorry, Jean."
"Look at me. Look at me, goddammit!" Havoc reached forward and turned Ed to face him. He dropped his hand as though it burned when he saw the tears streaming down Ed's face.
"Why?" he asked softly. "Why are you doing this?"
"I have to, Jean. Please just believe me." Ed stood, retrieved his clothes and re-dressed himself. He turned his back to Havoc and headed for the door.
"Ed, please." Havoc balled his fists beside his legs. "Please stay. I love you."
Ed stopped, looked at the floor, but didn't turn.
"I'm sorry, Jean. I don't."
And now on to chapter six...
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Havoc stood, watched the door click shut, through the window saw the red-coated figure walk down the path and around the corner. He stood there, naked, not moving. Part of him figured that he must be in some sort of shock, but the rest of him didn't care. Those hateful parting words echoed over and over in his head.
I'm sorry, Jean. I don't.
Eventually he summoned the will to move. He picked his clothes up from the floor, his movements almost robotic.
I'm sorry, Jean. I don't.
He thought about putting at least his boxers back on, but it somehow seemed to be just a little too much effort to go through. He stumbled through the kitchen, put the clothes on the bench then turned to head to his room. He made it as far as the couch again before his knees threatened to give way.
I'm sorry, Jean.
What had happened? What had he done? Hot tears trickled down his face as his traitorous mind replayed the entire encounter over and over.
"I love you, Ed." he whispered.
I'm sorry, Jean. I don't.
-------
Ed staggered home. He had done the right thing. He knew he had. What he and Havoc had – had had – could never have worked. He was saving pain later down the track, and this way he could start to make up for it with Al. It was the right thing. And it wasn't like they were serious about it anyway.
Please stay. I love you.
So why did Havoc say that? And why did it nearly kill Ed to say he didn't?
-------
When Ed had arrived home, Al still hadn't returned. In some ways, Ed had been a little relieved about that. He felt torn in two, half of him desperate to go back to Havoc and try and salvage what he could, the other half refusing to move, to do anything that would risk hurting Al even more.
He had flopped into his bed, suddenly so very very tired. He could hardly summon the energy to undress, so settled for removing his coat and boots. He pulled the covers over his shoulders, too exhausted to remain awake but far too worked up to sleep.
When eventually he did manage to drop off, it was a fitful sleep. He heard Al enter the room and lay on his own bed, but made no effort to sit up and talk to him. If Al thought he was asleep, so be it.
When he did sleep, he dreamed. Mainly of Havoc, but in the dreams he kept leaving Havoc somewhere, saying he would meet up with him later, but when he returned Havoc was gone.
When Ed finally woke, the sun was high in the sky and Al was nowhere to be seen. He was supposed to have reported to Mustang first thing. Well, that was out the window now. Mustang was sure to have something to say about that, but Ed just couldn't manage to care even a little.
He dragged himself out of bed, ran a comb through his hair and rebraided it. He put his boots back on, and was about to get up when there was a pounding on the door. Eds brow furrowed. Who the hell was that? And why so loud? He stomped his way to the door and yanked it open to be greeted by Breda's smiling face and unbuttoned uniform.
"Hey there. I've been sent over by the colonel to haul your sorry ass back to work, so you better come. He's in one hell of a mood. And so is Lieutenant Hawkeye."
"I'm not going in. You can tell the colonel he can kiss my ass if he thinks I'm going to jump whenever he says."
"Do you want me to pass that on to the lieutenant too? I think maybe she won't be as forgiving if that charming message reaches her ears."
Ed opened his mouth to argue back, but suddenly felt all the fire leave him. His shoulders slumped, and he nodded.
"OK. Just let me grab my coat."
Breda waited outside the door while Ed grabbed the missing article of clothing before pulling the door shut. Ed followed behind the bigger man, hands in pockets, feet dragging, eyes trained on the floor.
"Lieutenant Havoc didn't turn up today, either. I went around to get him before coming here, but he wasn't answering the door. I know he was home because I could see him on the couch when I looked through the window."
Ed looked up at the mention of Havoc, but didn't speak. Maybe Breda was just making conversation.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say he'd been dumped again."
Again, Ed remained silent. He felt like a fish, and Breda was the one trying to bait him. But Breda didn't know. Did he?
"And speaking of getting dumped, you don't look much better. Whats up with you?"
Damn. He was almost doing well enough for Ed to say he was good. Not good enough though.
"Why don't you just come out and say whatever it is you want to say. I'm not in the mood for games."
Breda looked vaguely surprised. Well, let him. Ed was tired, and far more upset over the situation than he had any right to be. He was the one who had broken it off with Havoc, not the other way round. He had no right whatsoever to be getting upset. And it was making him irritable.
"Ok then. Havoc is in some sort of funk at home, looking somewhat like a kicked puppy. You're here, looking in much the same state. The last few months, you two's moods have almost mirrored each others, and you tend to disappear at the same time. I might not look the smartest, but I am pretty observant. I know you two have had something going on, and from the looks of things something happened last night to change that. Am I right?"
Ed had stopped in the street and was standing with his mouth wide open.
Has everything really been that obvious? If Breda knows, who else does?
"Don't worry. I don't think anyone else has noticed anything."
Ed continued standing there. Breda had no right to be prying into Ed and Havocs personal matters. He frowned, preparing to ask Breda where he thought he got off, sticking his nose into other people's business.
"I don't know what to do about him." was what he found himself saying. He followed up by telling Breda what had happened with he and Al, and why Ed had felt that he had to end things with Havoc.
"I'm going to tell you what I think, whether you want to hear it or not. I think you need to decide what it is you want, and I think you need to sit down and talk this out with Al. I'm sure if you just explain things to Al, he'll be able to understand."
Ed scowled. He would have chewed Breda out for butting in, if what he said wasn't so completely true.
"I tell you what. I'll tell the colonel that you're far to sick to leave your room today. You go back and think things over. It'll sort itself out."
And with that, Breda was gone.
-------
Havoc lay where he had collapsed the night before. Breda had come around earlier, banging on the door so hard Havoc thought it was going to come flying off. He had seen him peering through the window, but refused to move. Now that he was gone though, he thought he should at least get himself up and washed.
He had puttered around, put on some clothes, had a shave. And now he was right back where he was. He was still having trouble thinking straight. He kept seeing Ed's face flashing passed.
At least that FUCKING echo has gone though.
He thought he should get up, do something. Anything. Just keep himself busy somehow. He just felt so heavy though. His chest felt like it was dragging the rest of him to the ground. He lit another cigarette and chuckled without humour.
Who would have thought that a boy could have brought me down to this?
He lay on his back, head to the side, cigarette in his mouth smouldering as he stared blankly out the window. Maybe he should have told Ed what he meant to him earlier. Would that have made a difference? Probably not. But if it had...
There's no point in thinking of the 'what ifs'. Whats done is done, and now you have to deal with it.
But I don't want to deal with it. I want him back. I want him to let me love him. I can't just give up on him. Why didn't he look at me when he said he didn't...
Even in his head, Havoc couldn't bring himself to say that Ed didn't love him. But he was sure now. He was sure that he could never give up on him. But what could he do? How could he get Ed to come back to him? Havoc sighed. He couldn't give up on Ed, but he knew it was a battle he couldn't win. He closed his eyes, rubbed his hand across his forehead.
What was he going to do?
He was startled out of his introspection by a thumping on the window.
"Oi! Havoc, wake up! I don't think Ed meant what he said! You better let me in!"
Havoc jerked upright. His first thought was Ed didn't mean it!
It wasn't until his brain caught up that he realised that Breda appeared to know exactly what was going on. He leaped up to let him in before he yelled more things that people could overhear.
"What do you mean? I have no idea what you're talking about, Breda."
"You're an appalling liar. I already knew all about it, as you well know. Ed just confirmed it for me this morning."
Havoc wasn't sure what to think. He was simultaneously frightened of what would happen now he knew people knew, and overjoyed that Ed had done something that confirmed it for Breda. Could that mean...? No. He had already told Havoc how he felt.
"No. He already said..." Havoc paused, took a breath. "I love him, but he doesn't feel the same."
He felt the crushing in his chest again, the wound caused when Ed had said those words tearing open the fragile cover Havoc had managed to put over it. He sat back down, cigarette lying limp between his fingers.
"How will you know whether or not he meant it unless you fight for him? Are you prepared to let him go just like that?"
Havoc looked up in wonder at his friend. Of all people, he would never in a million years have expected Breda to act as the relationship fairy. It was a little disconcerting.
"Why are you so concerned? You're not even acting the slightest bit surprised about anything."
"Well, I admit, I did find it a little...strange...when I first figured out what you two were up to. But I figure to each his own, right? And if it makes my friend happy, then I'm all for helping wherever I can. Within limits of course."
Havoc felt a whole new sense of friendship for this man. He really did owe him big time for this. He smiled.
"You're right. I don't want to give up without a fight. At least I know this ones safe from Mustang, right?"
Breda grinned back. "I suppose he may just be. So. What's our battle plan?"