"Standing on the Edge"

Jack wasn't aware of how long he'd been running, or even in what direction for that matter. He wasn't aware of the tree branches slapping his face, or the thorny brambles that tugged at his clothes like hungry children. All he felt was the panic and horror of knowing that he was teetering on the edge of control. He ran, slipping and sliding across patches of mud, and tripping over tree roots. He ran until he was sure his lungs would explode, trying desperately to get away. To get away from what, he didn't know. His outburst at Kate? His parent's disappointment? Or simply himself? Gasping for breath, he came to a stumbling halt, his limbs spent from exertion, but his mind still racing like rabid dog. Wiping the sweat from his face with the hem of his t-shirt, he staggered forward and saw that the ground in front of him fell away sharply. He peered over the edge and in the late afternoon light, saw a stream at the bottom of the chasm, snaking its way along the rocky valley. Wheezing, he bent at the waist and braced his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

He heard the sound of branches snapping behind him and didn't care that he was alone and unarmed. If the mysteries of the jungle were here to claim him, then so be it. Maybe then he could find some peace. His only regret was that his last words to Kate had been thrown at her in anger.

"Jack?" He heard Kate say softly … evenly. For a moment he wondered if it was simply another hallucination, like his father.

Kate's relief at having caught up to him turned to panic when she took in his surroundings. Kate was certain her heart had stopped when she saw Jack standing there and realized he was on the edge of a cliff. He wouldn't jump, would he? she thought frantically . But since she'd never seen him so undone before, she didn't really know what to expect.

"Jack?" she repeated. "I don't know how stable that ground is there … you should probably step back."

He could hear the tension in her voice; the strain of trying to keep her confusion and panic silent, readily apparent. Without looking back at her, he straightened up and let his breath out in a self mocking huff.

"Relax, Kate. I'm not going to jump."

"Then why don't you come over here and talk to me? What's going on, Jack?"

When he finally turned to face her, she was again startled by how bad he looked. His face was ashen, making the scratches on his face stand out in stark contrast. He had a cut over his left eye that was bleeding slightly and dark circles under his eyes. He walked away from the edge, but skirted the clearing, keeping his distance from her.

"What are you doing here, Kate?" he asked tiredly.

"Jack, what's wrong? What happened back there?" she asked, finally able to breath now that he wasn't on the lip of the cliff. She didn't move other than to follow him with her eyes, instinctively sensing that he might bolt if she tried to approach him.

"Nothing. I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. I'm fine." His voice held no inflection, sounding lifeless to her ears.

"Why did you take off like that?" she asked, not willing to let the matter drop. She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to ward off the chill she felt at the hollowness in his voice.

Dropping down onto a fallen log, he couldn't quite meet her eyes. "I wanted to be alone. I'm fine. Just …. you should go back to camp, Kate. I'm not about to do anything stupid."

She watched his body language and saw how he was shutting her out again; pushing away her concerns … pushing away her help. She turned and began to walk away, to give him the space he thought he wanted. But her mind kept replaying the look on his face and how it looked like his very soul was atrophying . She remembered how her neighbour's dog had acted when it had been hit by a car. She had only been 7 at the time, but she could still remember how it had growled and tried to bite the people who were attempting to help it. The know-it-all-girl from across the street said it was because it was hurt and was trying to protect itself. She didn't know why Jack was in pain, but she figured she knew why he was pushing her away.

She retraced her steps and came up behind him. Dropping her bag at her feet, she sat down on the log next to him. She felt him tense, and his body go rigid as soon as she sat down. She didn't know what to say, but somehow, that just didn't matter. So she sat quietly next to him and stared at the scraggly grass at her feet.

He braced himself for a lecture but when none was forthcoming, he began to relax his guard. Instead of plying him with questions, she sat silently next to him. When the sky began to darken, she slid off the log and pushed together the dead branches that were strewn across the clearing. She fished a lighter our of her bag and started the fire. Kate brushed the dirt from her hands , returned to the log, and sat down next to Jack, close enough that their shoulders touched and their knees brushed against each other.

She stared at the small fire and quietly said, "Whatever this is, you don't have to go it alone. I'm here if you need me, Jack."

The crackling of the fire seemed thunderously loud in the silence that followed. She wondered if he'd even heard her. And if he would ever let her in to help. She was watching the flames dance as the fire grew when she suddenly felt him sigh and lean against her. He didn't say a word, and neither did she. She just continued to offer him the support that he finally seemed willing to accept. She gently leaned against him in return, silently letting him know she understood the gesture.