Author's Note: If this story seems familiar, yes, I did have this posted before. I will be posting it's second part "Revenge of the Squirrels, Part 2" soon.
Matt Ishida awoke to the smell of fresh nuts close by. Taking a deep breath in, he opened his eyes and screamed with all his might. Two small, beady eyes, and buck teeth were up close and personal checking him out and yanked on his golden hair. The squirrel spoke its squirrelish language and mischievously smiled.
In a flash, Matt knocked the creature off of him and ran to his dad's room and shut the door behind him heavily panting. He didn't know what to do, or how that squirrel got inside but he knew that thing had to go and fast. Matt ran to his father's bookshelf and pulled out a book that was for emergencies like these. It read:
How to De-Squirrel Your House
Chapter 1: What to do if you wake up face to face with a smiling, mischievous squirrel.
Solution: Call an exterminator.
An exterminator! Of course! How simple is that? Only there was one problem:
The phone and squirrel were out there; he was in here. Matt grabbed a hanger and untwisted it into a long wire poll. Ha! Let's see this squirrel mess with him now!
Slowly, he opened the bedroom door and peek around. Nothing. Not a furry soul around. Matt ran to the kitchen and dialed the exterminator's number while he constantly kept an eye out for that rodent.
Almost out of the clear! The exterminator's on the phone...What's that noise? Hello? Hello...He looked down to see the squirrel had eaten the phone wire in half.
Matt yelled words of revenge waving the wire poll as to scare the creature, but it was unfazed. It laughed its squirrelish laugh while pointing a finger at him with a glint of ill will. Then, without warning, it lunged into the air and bit his leg.
Matt screamed in pain while the squirrel ran into the bathroom for shelter laughing its head off. After disinfecting the wound, he rushed back to the book for advice. It said:
Chapter 2: If the exterminator fails…
Solution: Go nutty with nuts!
Nuts! Why didn't he think of that? Nuts…nuts…Where would he find nuts? Oh, that's right! His father won that door prize contest yesterday of a twenty pound bag of walnuts. Perfect!
Matt dropped the book to the floor, ran to the bag, ripped it open, and led a trail of walnuts to the front door. He dumped the rest outside in a pile and hid behind the sofa waiting for the unexpected victim to arrive.
The squirrel slowly stuck its head outside and sniffed the air a bit. Recognizing the familiar smell it ran to the trail and began to nibble on them one by one. After what seemed like eternity and the last nut was stuffed in its cheek before diving outside for the pile of nuts, Matt charged at it with the wire poll shouting words of vengeance.
The squirrel stood its ground with a wide grin until the last possible second until it saw its opening. It jumped up and scratched crisscross on Matt's face. Before retreating, it ran back to the pile, grabbed a handful, spoke his squirrelish gibberish while taking a bow, and ran back inside to take cover while laughing its squirrelish high-pitch laugh.
Matt was in too much pain to react. After returning from the clinic making sure he hadn't contracted rabies he went to the book for advice again.
Chapter 3: If nuts backfire…
Solution: Fire back! It's your next best friend!
Fire? In the apartment? Well…How could that work?
Matt grabbed his cell phone and called his friend, Davis, asking if he had connections with anyone that could deal with his type of situation.
Within moments,Davis showed up in cameo, black army boots, war paint plastered all over his face, and a blowtorch feeling daring and courageous. Before Matt could object,Davis was seen running after the furry monster in and out of rooms and closets while walls burned, patches of rug scorched, and glass broke.
Matt panicked trying to smother the flames while Davis' rampage continued. All of the sudden, a loud "squeak" was heard followed by an eerie silence. Matt ran to where the sound came from and his blood began to boil.
Davis had scorched his guitar, his guitar of all things! And the squeak came for delight that the squirrel now had roasted walnuts...Is that sunglasses it's wearing?
Matt kickedthe GoggleBoyand his toy to the curb. No one messed with his guitar and got away with it. He went to consult the half burnt book once more:
Chapter 4: Still can't get that pesky rodent out?
Solution: Squirrels hate cats.
Hello! A cat!Gatomon would be perfect for the job! Matt ran over to Tai's apartment, and dragged Tai, his good time 'ole buddy, and Gatomon to the scene. After explaining the situation, and having to slapTai a few times for making fun of his scratched face for "not being able to get one small, pathetic squirrel out the house" and having to commit the rest of his life to serving chocolate to Gatomon on a silver fish platter, the race began.
More things were heard in the background breaking. Matt ran to get the wire poll again to help out. The squirrel stopped running, snatched the pointed wire that was heading straight for him away and bobbed him on the head with it. Then it spun around and poked Gatomon in the eye! Gatomon lurched out a blood curling cry and the race continued.
Fearing for its life, the squirrel jumped onto Matt and down his shirt. While Matt learned a new dance,Tai sat back watching in laughter. Gatomon, wanting to join in the on the fun, jumped in after it and the party moved down to his pants.
Matt had to slip his pants off andpunchedTai again for making fun of his "tasteful, impressionable, happy faces" boxers. Out ran the two contestants and into the kitchen. Chairs were heard falling, glasses were breaking, explosions were heard-BAM! Both friends ran to the scene to reveal the victor.
Gatomon laid unconscious on the floor with her tongue sticking out. The squirrel bowed while speaking its squirrelish gibberish, and mischievously smiled while pointing to the frying pan it was holding.
Tai, being upset that this "dumb thing knock out his sister's pet", charged after it with the wire poll he earlier had retrieved. The squirrel simply banged Tai's feet with the frying pan, and then bang him on the head knockingTai unconscious as well when he had fallen from the pain. The squirrel, once more, said its goodbyes and ran back to the bathroom laughing its high-pitch squirrelish laugh.
Matt got fed up with the rodent and locked it inside the room until he could think of a better plan. He gave up on the wire poll. After kicking both friend and feline to the curb he reluctantly ran back to the book once last time for advice:
Chapter 5: Old fashion ways won't work in a modern world?
Solution: YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN! HAAAA HAAAA!
What? You've got to be joking! Matt threw the book away and decided this had to be done the "Ishida way"...Calling his little bro for backup.
His younger brother, TK, came within minutes and had devised a flawless plan: He pulled out a mechanic female squirrel, pushed a button that was strategically hidden on 'her' back and let it loose, while Matt opened the front and bathroom door and both ran behind the sofa to hide.
The squirrel slowly stuck its head outside and searched the battlefield. Nothing. Not a skin-bagged soul around. What's this? YEA, MOMMA!
Its furry paws scurried to the female and tipped her over landing a wet, sloppy smack-a-roo. The mechanical female laughed and responded by slapping the squirrel across the face and ran outside tempting him to join her in the tree. The squirrel jumped for joy with its tail fur sticking out.
Both boys tried to keep their laughter to a muffle. The creature stopped at the doorway and felt torn until it saw the two humans behind the sofa. It casually walked over to the younger looking one and poked him a few times to get his attention.
Jimmy stopped laughing and looked down to see the squirrel waving hello. He gulped then nudged Matt on the arm. Matt leaned over and looked to find the squirrel mischievously grin, run back to the front door and let out an ear piercing whistle.
Within seconds, the apartment began to fill up with squirrels. Both boys jumped onto the couch and racked their brains on what to do next. Then, the creature stood up among the crowd, spoke his squirrelish gibberish and lead the way back to the bathroom. Monkey-see and Monkey-do followed as well and peaked inside to see the unbelievable.
The leader was standing on the sink counter top making a speech while pointing to Matt's gel bottle and throwing free roasted walnuts to his friends. It even seemed to now...be wearing the hair gel? Is that fur spikes on his forehead?
Matt was about to start stomping on the little monsters until Jimmy held him back. He casually walked over to the creature and in a flash snatched the gel bottle away. He was going to get to the bottom of this. Holding it in front of his face he read the label:
ALMOND SCENTED GEL.
TK waved the bottle in the air getting Matt's attention and pointed to the label. Matt motioned for the bottle and TK threw it to him ignoring the angry leader that was now jumping on the counter top hoping to somehow miraculously reach it.
Now, all the squirrels became filled with anger seeing their precious prize was stolen away. In rage, they began to chase after Matt over beds, on top of tables, behind the TV and knocking over lamps. The leader cornered him and wore his mischievous smile once more. Matt prayed for mercy as the monster snapped his fingers and stepped aside.
The angry swarm attacked piling on top determined to get their Scented Almond Gel back. As a last resort he threw the gel back to Jimmy and ordered him to throw the forsaken thing outside.
All the squirrels angrily waved their fists in the air shouting their squirrelish gibberish as they saw their heavenly scent fall victim to the outside dirt spilling everywhere from so high up in slow motion. If it was the last thing they did they were going to save what was left. The army, one by one, held their noses and jumped down the many floors. Splats could be heard from a distant.
The leader, seeing his troops had fallen to these skin-bagged fools' plan, took matters under his own paws. It ran on top of Matt's knees, now with his back to the wall recovering from the last attack, and shouted at him jumping up and down.
As far as Matt was concerned this pest was going to pay for making him wake from his beauty sleep and wasting a $10.99 tub worth of style. He picked the rodent up and kicked it outside to kingdom come. The squirrel let out a high pitch scream until it was visible no more.
Both brothers quickly ran back inside and shut the door, gave each other a high five and let out a big sigh of relief. They had finally found the solution to their nutty problem.