Ex Marks The Spot

(Takes place after ATS "The Bachelor Party" and BTVS "Pangs", includes the very beginning of "I Will Remember You")

Nothing like an ex to throw your life into turmoil. Harry walked in and I didn't even have to be introduced- the look on Doyle's face told me who she was. Sure, not specifically, but I knew just the same.

Old love. First love. It was all there on his face.

I guess it's lucky for me that I don't have a reflection since I probably have the same look on my face right now.

I can hear them out there: Cordelia is filling Doyle in on the drama that is Buffy and Angel. She thinks I'm being extra broody because I'm not acting broody enough. That's Cordelia logic for you. And it's not like she's wrong.

Three days in Sunnydale. Too much "Buffy viewage".

I knew I couldn't fool myself, but I actually had some hope that I could fool them.

Fat chance. Cordelia was there for it all, so I'm as transparent to her as the window I'm pretending they're not watching me through.

Talking to Doyle about Harry... could have been me talking to him about Buffy. Same hurt, only the names and details were different.

But I had to go to Sunnydale, had to help Buffy. I mean, The Powers obviously wanted me there. And if she's in danger, that's where I need to be.

I told myself that I wasn't approaching her because it wouldn't be fair to her. To come back so soon after leaving just wouldn't be right.

The reality is, I couldn't face her. Watching her from a distance was hard enough but I needed that distance.

She's supposed to be moving on after all. That's what I wanted her to do. It's why I left, so she could.

But when I saw her, especially when I saw her with that Riley guy, it was the last thing I wanted. I don't know how Doyle managed to give Harry and her fiancé his blessing. For me, that would have been harder to accept than the idea that the guy was going to have to eat my brain.

I made it through though. I managed to do what I could to help her and leave without her knowing I was there. Like I never was there.

It's better that way... I think.

Hopefully the phone will ring and distract my watchers from their contemplation of my emotional state.

Until then, I'll keep pretending that I'm ok.

Maybe I'll rearrange my desk and give them something to watch.

Forgive and Forget

(Takes place after "I Will Remember You".)

A long time ago, there was an Irish lad named Liam who didn't give a damn about how his actions affected other people. All he cared about was doing what made him feel good. What made him feel alive. What he didn't know was that he wasn't living. He didn't know what being alive really meant until his life was taken from him.

I'm re-living that now, well, as much as a vampire can actually "re-live" anything. All I know is that I was alive again ... and I gave it up. Darla made that decision for Liam, but this time, I made it for myself.

He wouldn't have done that. If he wanted it, Liam would have hung on to it and said the hell with what it would cost anyone else. He was self centered and selfish.

But then, he was never in love.

Lucky him.

If only I hadn't insisted on knowing what the consequences of my sudden humanity really were.

If only I'd taken the Oracle's word that I was free.

If only I hadn't heard what the Mohra said about the End of Days and the soldiers of darkness.

If only I didn't love her so much.

I could have lived as a human man, with her. Until the end.

Ignorance is bliss.

If only....

But I had to know. How could I not ask? After what happened when I lost my soul, how could I not ask what the consequences would be? There are, after all, consequences in everything.

The life of a Slayer is shorter than most. I know that. It would have been easy to use that fact to argue that giving up my human life wouldn't really help her.

But I know better. Take me out of the fight here and the odds grow against her in Sunnydale.

She could die tomorrow; even with me fighting the good fight here. But how could I continue to live not knowing if I could have saved her if I was still in the fight? If I were still a vampire?

I made the only decision I could.

Then I looked into her eyes and I wanted to take it back.

That's what love can do. You can make all the right decisions and then she starts to cry and you're ready to sacrifice the world to make her stop.

I could have sacrificed the world, but I couldn't sacrifice her.

The Powers only gave me a moment to explain and to say goodbye. That was for the best.

She said she'd never forget. But you can't remember what never happened.

I wish that were true. Her scent still lingers on the sheets of my bed.

Or maybe that's all in my mind. Only in my mind. In everyone else's mind, Buffy said her piece, watched me kill a Mohra demon with a clock, and left.

But I can't forget.

I'll never forget.