Title: Poker Night

Author: Gaeriel Mallory

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Still not mine. I don't own any of their characters. If you recognize it, it's someone else's.

Note: In response to TTH's Fic-For-All #516 – Clem/Puss in Boots

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Puss shook his head and got up from the ground. "That is the last time I offer to help Shrek," he muttered. "Oh sure, Shrek, I'll help you take an inventory of the Fairy Godmother's potions room. Of course I'll go grab the bottles you can't reach." He picked up his hat and dusted it off, placing it securely on his head. "Stupid Donkey knocking into the shelves." He looked around himself and frowned, taking in the gloomy cemetery around him. "Puss, I don't think you're in Far Far Away anymore."

Keeping a paw on his sword, he started walking around the tombstones warily. "Now just where did that potion take me?" It had been one of the potions in the glass case that had been knocked off the shelf, taking him with it. At the bottom, the bottle had shattered on the stone floor, splashing him, who had landed on his feet like any good cat, with the liquid. Then, as he had been about to open his mouth to yell at the clumsy Donkey, the world had fallen out from underneath him.

"When I get back, I'm going to skewer that stupid animal," he vowed.

"Good game, guys," he heard a voice call out. Ducking behind a stone, he observed a creature carrying a sack leaving one of the crypts in the cemetery.

"Yeah, you would say that, wouldn't you?" A second figure appeared, this one human, wearing a long black coat and with the palest skin Puss had ever seen. And that hair could not possibly be that color! "You won all of the kitties tonight."

Other creatures made their way out of the crypt, calling a good night to the first two.

The first shrugged affably at the human. "Maybe better luck next time." He held up his sack. "Now if you excuse me, dinner awaits."

Puss gasped as he saw the sack was moving and heard meowing coming from it. Cats! This monster was going to devour cats! Honor would not let him just stand by while this atrocity occurred. Waiting for the human to go back into the crypt—surely he did not live there?—Puss leapt out from hiding and brandished his sword. "Halt! You will release my breathen!"

The creature stared confusedly at Puss from the many folds of skin on his face. "Are you a talking cat?"

"Sí. Now you will let those cats go!"

It gripped the sack tighter in his hands and shook his head. "No way. I won these fair and square. They're mine."

"Then you leave me no choice. En guarde!" Puss leapt forward and slashed the bottom of the sack with his sword. Kittens poured out of the bottom and scampered off into the darkness. Glaring menacingly at the vile creature that would consume cats, Puss snarled. "Now, prepare to meet the wrath of Puss in Boots!"

Spike poked his head out of his crypt. "Just what the bleeding hell is going on out here?"

Clem wailed, trying to shield himself from an orange blur that was dashing all over and around him. "Make him stop!"

The vampire frowned. "Just what is it?" Coming outside, a beer bottling dangling from his fingers, he called out, "Hey now! Shove off, whatever you are. I'm trying to watch television here and I can't hear How the Grinch Stole Christmas over Clem's screaming like a girl."

The blur stopped, resolving itself into an orange cat. It perched on Clem's shoulders with both front paws on the demon's cheek, claws extended. "Tell me why I should let this cat-eating coward free."

Spike started laughing. "It's just a wee little kitty cat, Clem! Granted, it's a talking kitty cat but it's still a cat. Just eat him and be done with it so I can get back to Whoville."

The cat snarled and launched itself at Spike. The vampire cried out in surprise, tripping backwards and falling back against the wall of his crypt.

"You shall pay dearly for that, señor," the cat declared.

Spike yelped in pain as he felt claws scratch across his face. He lashed out with his fist but the cat jumped away, landing perfectly into a tiny pair of boots standing upright on the lawn. He brandished a sword and plunked a feathered hat on his head. "I cannot stand idly by in the face of such injustice. I must demand that you cease your cat-eating activities or I shall be forced to exact dire consequences."

Clem shook his head. "But what else are we supposed to use to bet in poker?"

The cat flourished his cape and sheathed his sword. "Find something else. Or I shall be back." He then ran off in the night.

Spike looked at Clem. "Well, that was odd, even for the Hellmouth."

Puss snarled as he observed the same creatures from last night showing up at the crypt, each carrying a writhing sack in their hands. "I warned them." He bounded across the grass, slipping inside the crypt with the latest attendee. Leaping up onto the top of the poker table and scattering poker chips, Puss waved his sword at the surprised faces. "I had warned you and you did not listen. Now you shall pay!"

The one human raised both hands. "Now wait just one minute. We aren't betting cats tonight." He reached down and picked up a sack. Yelps emerged from it. He pulled out a squirming puppy and presented it to Puss. "We're using dogs."

Puss sheathed his sword. "Well, I suppose that I can accept." He then jumped off the table onto one of the empty chairs. He took off his hat and cape, placing them on the back of the chair. Picking up the deck, he shuffled them competently with his paws. "The game, señors, is five card draw. Jokers are wild, aces high." After quickly dealing out cards to all the players, Puss fanned out his hand and looked over them to the bemused creatures. "Let's play."

--fin--