(After "Expecting")
Cordelia almost died. I'm fairly disturbed by how many of these entries could start out with that sentence. Anyway, again, she almost died.
Almost, of course, being the saving grace. That's the great thing: She almost died. You CAN almost die.
You can't almost be pregnant, especially when it comes to Hacksall Beast spawn.
Big Daddy Demon is gone now, along with the would be demon babies… Cordy is back to being Cordy.
But I'm still disturbed by it. And I'm beginning to understand why.
The Hacksall: Nasty? Yes. Evil? Sure. And yet, it was only doing what it had to do to procreate. Instinct to survive as a species. It's in all of us, even vampires.
It's the men, the human men, involved that make me so angry.
Wilson Christopher and his bunch of losers make me question why the human race deserves to continue. They not only sold their souls, they handed over others to their demon master.
It made me sick.
It made me want to kill them.
It made me want to turn my back on human kind and let whatever happens, happen.
Then I remembered why I was there.
Cordelia and Wesley and all the humans who have actual humanity in them- they are the majority and they give me hope.
They are the reason to continue the fight against the darkness, even if that darkness is their own kind.
Maybe this experience will teach Cordelia to be a little more careful in the future and her next date won't be in league with something evil.
Or a demon himself.
Or a lawyer.
Now that is disturbing.
Dragon Lady(After "She")
I don't dance. I'll say that right now, just to get it out in the open.
LA is a big city.
It's full of dark places and nasty things that go bump in the night.
And I bump them back as hard as I can and as often as I need too.
You'd think that would be enough. You'd think that the cosmic scale would balance out and the whole good vs. evil thing might sort of even out from time to time.
You'd be wrong.
I now have Jhiera to worry about.
Apparently LA wasn't enough. Now I get tourists from another dimension to deal with.
And it's not like Jhiera is the easiest being to get along with. Sure, she's on the "good" side of the fight… but that doesn't make her any less difficult in the personality department.
She's hard headed and doesn't seem real big on differentiating between the oppressive males of her species and the innocent males in this dimension. As a result, she's less than broken up about the guys who accidentally get fried when they cross paths with the Oden Tal women. I have a real problem with that.
Plus… she's hot. I mean that literally and figuratively. So there is that element of danger for me because, hey, fire and I are not compatible.
And because, hey, finding out if Jhiera and I are as compatible as I think we might be, is not a good idea to say the least.
It's a delicate dance.
Did I mention that I don't dance?
Jhiera's cause is a just one. I only hope she will take me seriously and that she will prevent any further deaths in this dimension.
I really hate the idea of going against her and her fight again.
I really hate the idea of cold showers, too.
Fear Of Nothing(After "I've Got You Under My Skin")
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe that's true, I honestly don't know.
I've been with a soul and without one, but that doesn't make me an expert.
Almost 250 years on the planet and there is still so much I don't know.
For instance, I don't know if you can tell just by looking at someone if they have a soul or not. Did I look different without mine? It's really not a question I want to ask of anyone who might know. Judging by what happened in Sunnydale the last time Angelus was out, I'd say that no, I didn't look different.
So I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that Ryan looked like, and still does look like, a normal little boy.
Can a person be born without a soul? Again, I don't know for sure. I know that the Ethros demon seemed to think that Ryan doesn't have one.
I've been telling myself that maybe it was lying.
Obviously, Wesley is just as disturbed by the whole thing as I am. The whole way back to the office, he talked about how Ryan didn't seem to always be evil. That he could have a mental disorder or even some physical illness that might explain his behavior.
But I don't believe that. I remember what it was like to be Angelus. I wasn't running around acting evil 24/7. I was more calculating than that.
So is Ryan.
Destruction interspaced with moments of calm. Not enough to allow any real sense of peace… just enough to let them hope that things will get better.
Hope. Dangle it before them, and snatch it away.
And that's why deep down, I believe that what the Ethros said is true.
Ryan doesn't have a soul.
The implications of that…
Nothing is the scariest thing in the world.
I didn't say any of this to Wesley. I listened to his theories and kept my own to myself.
His will let him sleep at night.
Where would we be without hope, after all?