(After "Five By Five" and "Sanctuary")
What was I supposed to do? That's the question of the day for me. Faith blows into town, terrorizes the city, teams up with Wolfram and Hart, beats up Cordy, tortures Wesley… and then begs me to kill her while she's pummeling me.
Kill her: That would have been the easy answer. For everyone, and let's be honest, that's everyone including me. Everything she's done to Buffy, to me, our friends… it would have been an easy out. The harsh fact is we all have more than enough to deal with, without dealing with Faith too. Yes, she's behind bars and she put herself there. She's racked with guilt and remorse and I honestly believe that she does feel these things as much as I do.
She is still a danger though. Prison is a rough gig. I don't think I'm being paranoid when I wonder if at some point she might decide that she's had enough. Being bad is easy, it's being good that's tough and I have a feeling that the California penal system isn't designed to bring out the best in people. If she wants out, she'll get out. I know it and she knows it. Living everyday with an unstable Slayer in my city isn't the most comfortable of situations.
On the other hand, maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. I talk a good game. I told Buffy that I believed Faith could be helped, and that I could help her. Maybe I'm the only one who can. I know Buffy was being sarcastic when she referred to our "club" for murderers, but it's not so far from the truth: We were killers. Now we don't want to be that anymore. That's a pretty select few. I look at Faith and I see someone who has done a lot of damage, and could continue to do so. But I also see someone who could be a great force for good. She needs a chance. Does she deserve a chance after everything she's done? I don't know… Did I? There are a lot of people who would have said no. I was lucky to have some who did believe in me. She needs someone who will believe in her. So… now I need to continue that belief. And I will. The fact is, I don't really have a choice now. So I'll believe it and deal with it.
And…. Buffy. In a few minutes I'll be on my way to Sunnydale to apologize.
I wasn't wrong. Saving Faith is the right thing to do and Buffy attacked me first.
But I am sorry that I hurt her with what she saw, and what she thinks she saw between Faith and me. The fact is I do understand Faith and her motives and her feelings. I know what was going through her mind when she took the lives she took and what was in her soul when she wanted me to kill her.
Buffy never will. At least I hope she never will.
I'm sorry that I hurt her by doing what had to be done.
That seems to be a common theme in our relationship.
And I know that she'll forgive me because deep down, she knows I did what was right, too.
We both save people after all. It would be easier if every case were black or white. It would be easier if only the people we like were deserving of saving. But it's not like that and she knows it.
So I'll tell her I'm sorry and let her decide for herself for what part of the whole mess I'm apologizing for.
Layers Upon Layers(After "War Zone")
I've seen more than my share of cities. Something they all have in common is layers.
Like a rotten onion, LA has hidden levels that most people in the upper layers never see.
Or they pretend not to.
Sure, they have blinded themselves to the demons and other things that run around under their noses, but they've also become adept at ignoring the more human aspects as well.
Not just the evil done by men, though there's that too. I'm talking about the poverty, the hopelessness that some people get sucked into by their circumstances.
I'm not pointing fingers or making some big moral statement. I realize that it's a survival instinct. At some point, you have to not see everything or risk become paralyzed with the idea that you will never be able to help everyone.
I know that feeling very well.
The demons see it though and a lot of them use it to their advantage. They think they will escape notice if they prey on the people other people don't seem to care about.
Unfortunately, too many times they are right.
I've walked in every one of the different layers in my long life. I've been at the top and I've lived in the sewers. Recently however my focus has been somewhat narrow. I haven't risked becoming paralyzed by it all. I haven't seen as well as I should have.
My eyes have been opened.
Cordelia, Wesley and I grumble about our circumstances. We see the fabulous wealth of someone like David Nabbit all around us and wish we had some of that ourselves. I admit I'm not immune to it. I grew up with wealth… nothing like what he has, but I never wanted for anything. And when I was evil, well, doing without was unheard of. I've learned to get over that need to have things. Yet bright and shiny always attracts attention and David Nabbit has that in abundance.
What he doesn't seem to have is much of a life. He's nice enough, sure, but his problems are now ones of his own making. Not that I'm belittling his blackmail problem- everyone has their secrets that they don't want out. But he is on a level now where his problems are all from circumstances he, himself, has created.
I sympathized with him… then I met Gunn and his crew.
Perspective has a way of putting you in your place.
I stood there in the dark of that abandoned building, surrounded by a bunch of kids pointing weapons at me, and realized just how in the dark I've been.
I've been prowling around this city for months and months and I never knew they were there.
That tells me that either I'm slipping or they're good. And after dealing with Gunn, I'm convinced that it's that they're good.
My admitted narrow focus not withstanding, these kids have been doing the job that I've been doing, and doing it well. They haven't been waiting for a Champion to save them; they've been doing it themselves.
They've been fighting the things that everyone else refuses to see.
They are not hopeless or helpless…
But I'm going to help them anyway.
Whether they want me too or not.
Gunn is a hard case, and I understand that. He's been fighting vamps for so long that to expect him to trust me is going to take time. But he also didn't keep trying to stake me and that's a start.
What happened to his sister was heartbreaking. I know he understands that he didn't really kill her- the vampire that turned her had already done that. But it will take time for his heart to catch up to his brain on that account. His guilt tells him he killed his sister and for now that's all he can acknowledge. It's something we have in common, though I don't think I'll be sharing that with him.
Like I told him, I may need his help one night, and I don't think a mutual history of sister killing is going to get me that. I have a feeling that any bonding we might do in the future will depend on how much of my past, stays in the past.
Sometimes a narrow focus isn't such a bad thing after all.
None So Blind(After "Blind Date", during the beginning of "To Shanshu In LA")
Lindsey McDonald almost became a hero tonight.
He lowered himself to come to me for help.
He risked his life and stood up to Wolfram and Hart.
He made it possible for me to steal some very valuable information, including, it seems, something that's turned out to be of personal value.
He stood by me against a powerful assassin.
He saved those children.
He was, by all accounts, impressive as hell.
He was almost a hero…then he pissed it away for a six-figure salary and a promotion.
I don't know Lindsey very well but let's face it: Wolfram and Hart doesn't take your run of the mill lawyer. I'm guessing their screening process is a little tighter when it comes to the personality traits they are looking for.
In other words, they know Lindsey better than I do, maybe better than he knows himself. And so they must have known that his recent "lapse" into morality would be a short lived one.
They didn't kill him when they found out what he'd done... that pretty much says it all.
So, where as I wish I could say I'm surprised at his re-turnaround, I'm not.
He had a chance to get out, to become something more. To see what is beyond the darkness. To see for himself that Wolfram and Hart are wrong about him.
But I guess they aren't.
I am a little disappointed but I've lived too long to dwell on the "what if" factor in life. Lindsey looked right at his chance and chose not to see it.
As the saying goes; "There are none so blind as those who will not see."
And the world keeps turning with everyone in his place, whether or not they know what their place in it, is.
Lindsey seems to have decided where his is… And now Wesley thinks he knows where to find mine.
I have no idea what made me take the Scroll of Aberjerin from the vault. I looked at that case, and I somehow knew it meant something to me. About me… whatever.
Wesley is still trying to figure out what exactly it says but even without knowing the specifics, it seems I have my place in the grander scheme of things…
And it's going to kill me.
Good to know.
Wesley and Cordelia are understandably confused by my apparent lack of concern. But… what am I supposed to do?
The prophecy, well, if it's true, I can't change it.
And honestly, at least I know what's coming. Maybe not when, but there is an end. Being a vampire I'm immortal. Sure I could get staked at some point, but baring that, I'm in it for the long haul.
I think… I think that I'm just ok with knowing that there is an end at some point.
They think my feelings are so different from theirs, but really it makes me feel closer to them, to being human.
There is a difference between living and existing. And maybe when you know that you don't have forever, you appreciate living more.
Or… something like that.
I can hear them upstairs. They're talking about me.
I should make an appearance so they don't think I'm brooding.
Wouldn't want that.
What The Future Holds
(After "To Shanshu In LA")
In order to die, a thing has to live first.
I suppose that we should have realized that. Seems simple but then when it comes to me, the facts do get somewhat skewed.
Because the fact is, I'm not alive. So really, if I get dusted tomorrow, it's somewhat redundant to say I'm dead.
I exist. I walk and I talk and I do what I do, but technically I am not alive.
We all know that and yet…
So it seemed that "shanshu" only meant I was going to die… and I will.
But first I will live.
I will live.
I will become human.
What I said about the difference between existing and living is now even clearer. Because even though I still, technically, only exist… one day I will live.
The thought is… overwhelming.
Sure, it's not going to happen tomorrow or the next day.
I have to go through some trials and tribulations…
But someday… someday I will be rewarded.
I will earn my right to live and die.
It's more that I expected to ever have.
And after today where the Oracles have been slaughtered, my friends almost killed, my home blown up, and the worry of what's in Wolfram and Hart's mystery box, it's nice to have news that doesn't suck.
And this most definitely doesn't.
So now, my focus is to do what needs to be done… part of which is to find a new place to live and get use to the new, kinder version of Cordy.
But mostly it's to keep fighting the good fight.
Wolfram and Hart didn't succeed in cutting me off from The Powers That Be.
Score one for me, but I still have a job to do.
As far as Wolfram and Hart and their box… well, I'm sure it will come up.
But I'm not too worried.
After all the things they've pulled, I'm still here.
What else can they do to me?