Buffy could feel his hands holding her tightly; she could feel the tension inside of him. She should just come clean. She moved even closer to him and opened her mouth to speak. He was so close, inches away from her. Suddenly her mouth had a mind of it's own, she leaned up and placed her lips on his. She could see the surprise in his eyes; she felt his grip loosen on her arms. She felt the sweet pressure of his lips against hers; she closed her eyes and savored the feeling. For this moment the fact that he hadn't bothered to contact her didn't matter.
It didn't last long. She soon felt him pulling away, immediately missing the contact. Opening her eyes she found an angry Spike. His eyes were dark, his expression grim. "What was that?" He spit out the words.
"I'm sorry, I…" She stuttered softly.
"You wanted to shut ole' Spike up and you were sure that would work. Well, once upon a time it would have worked. But not now." He slumped in to a living room chair motioning for he to sit down across from him.
She sat down on the couch opposite him fidgeting with the fringe on a pillow, "It wasn't like that Spike."
"Yeah." He asked tilting his head, "Then what was it like?"
"Well, you're right that I didn't want to talk," She began to explain.
"As you're Scoobie pals would say, 'duh'. " He rolled his eyes at her.
She shook her head at him, "I didn't want to talk, but I really did want to kiss you."
"Of course you did, cause I can be counted on for that kind of thing, a little thrill to make you forget all your problems. " He sighed.
"That's not it at all, Spike. " Her voice lowered, "I've missed you."
"I could tell how much you missed me in Italy. The Immortal is quite a catch." His voice was bitter.
"That's not fair, Spike. I didn't even know you were alive then. "
"That much is true, Pet. But I want to know the whole truth. Let's start with why you're really here?" He leaned back in his chair and tried to get comfortable. His ribs were hurting again and if he wasn't careful he would take her in his arms and finish what the kiss had started. He wasn't going to even try to fool himself into believing that he no longer wanted her. At this point though, he did want to keep a bit of his hard earned self-esteem.
"Are you okay?" She asked as she watched him gingerly settle himself in the chair.
"I'm fine. Just tell me what I want to know." He waited a second before adding, "Please."
She let out a small sigh as she settled herself on the couch, "You're right they don't know I'm here"
"So that's why the redneck is taking letters for Dawn?"
Buffy nodded, "I didn't want her to worry about me."
"I doubt letters without a return address are much comfort to her, Buffy. What's going on here?" His voice was soft.
"If I answer your questions, will you answer mine?" She asked tiredly.
"Yeah, I can do that." He nodded.
"First, you have to realize that nothing is the same. I got called at fifteen and even though I fought it for a while, I knew that being the slayer was my life's work. I had constants in my life - but one by one they've gone away. I knew my mom would always be there for me, and then she died. Giles is still in my life but not the way he used to be. And my calling - well I share that with hundreds of other girls now. The one constant I had left was that you loved me - you said you'd seen me at my best and my worst and you still loved me. I was angry when Andrew told me you were back, angry that you hadn't let me know. But somewhere in my heart, I still thought that one day I would answer my door and you'd be there. When
Giles told me that you were dead again, I just broke down. I had lost my constant; I just wanted to be as far away from Italy as I could. I wanted to be alone with my grief, I wanted to find myself again."
She took a deep breath and leaned back against the couch cushion, "I've answered your question. Now you have to answer mine. Why didn't you let me know you were back? Was I wrong about your loving me?"
Spike sat listening to her without interruption. It seemed that once she'd began to talk she couldn't stop. Her words had shocked him. After all this time, even after her confession of love in that cave, it was still hard for him to imagine that she had really felt that deeply for him. He moved to the couch and took her hand, "Buffy, it's hard to explain why I didn't tell you the first time. When I first came back that was the first thing I wanted to do, find you, make sure you were okay. But I did have that small incorporeal problem, and then later it just seemed wrong. If nothing else, you were proud of me in that cave, " He emphasized the his last sentence, "And I liked that feeling, been carrying it with me for a long time, coming back seemed to take away from that. So I stayed away. Let you get on with your life."
"I was more then proud of you in that cave and I told you that." She looked directly into his eyes.
He sighed again, "Yes, you did tell me. In my defense Buffy, your timing was terrible. I convinced myself that you were telling me that so I could die happy. On top of that I didn't have time to argue about it, I needed you out of that cave. If you had died with me, then that whole sacrifice would have meant nothing to me."
"That answers part of the question." She replied in a soft whisper.
He rubbed small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb, "If you know me at all, you know the answer to the other part of the question too. " He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes, "I will always love you."