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TRUST - I
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Remus clearly remembered the first time he had seen this place. It was when he had come to attend his first Order meeting. It was over fifteen years ago. Those times seemed so… far away… like some dream he was unable to forget. A dream – not a nightmare, for although those had been dark times, he could never call them a 'nightmare'. He had witnessed many gruesome happenings, but his friends – James and Sirius (his brow clouded as he automatically added 'Peter') had always been there by his side. They had been together.
He looked at the sky. It was a half-moon night. He was beginning to feel weak already. It was because of this curse that Sirius had not been able to trust him as completely and whole-heartedly as Remus trusted him. Now that he thought about it, even James had been slightly wary of him. Peter had always been more than a little scared of him.
And it was because of this damned curse that Sirius had kept him out of the secret that had killed Lily and James.
If only he had known… if only Sirius had trusted him…
Remus sighed and shook his head. There was no reason to remember all that now. What had happened could never be changed – it was useless to dwell on it. Sirius trusted him now, didn't he? He had said as much in the Shrieking Shack about a year ago.
But now, Remus was… well, he wasn't sure what he felt. He was happy that Sirius had said that he had full faith in him now – faith he deserved. It did not set him at ease, however. It made him feel… burdened, in a way. What if he was not able to keep that trust? What if he had not truly meant what he had said?
This is insanity, thought Remus, walking up to the front door. The waxing moon is inversely affecting my mind.
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Sirius was nursing a glass of Firewhiskey. He hated this bloody house. He would rather die than be here.
He winced as the doorbell rang and his mother launched into a string of curses.
"Shut up, you damned succubus!" he shouted as her as he walked past her.
Merlin, spare me!
"Remus…"
He should have known. As always, Remus would be the first one to come here. As always… was it really that long since they had spent time together? Since he had looked upon him with complete simple trust… He still regretted that – trusting Peter over Remus. How could he have been so, so foolish? Circe! He had killed James and Lily with his foolishness… just because somewhere his pureblood vanity could not accept a werewolf…
"Hello, Sirius… that your mother, I guess?"
"Yeah, the old hag. She's got her portrait stuck with a Permanent Sticking Charm. Even Dumbledore says that nothing can be done about it. Come in."
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"Drink?"
Without waiting for an answer, Sirius poured out a glass for Remus.
However, Remus shook his head. "I am not feeling too well. Alcohol only makes the condition worse – more painful."
Sirius shrugged and pulled the glass towards himself. "I have little else to do," he said defensively as Remus raised a critical brow for Sirius had already emptied two bottles.
"The good thing is that I still have my brilliant endurance for alcohol."
"You'd be screaming murder tomorrow morning."
"There must be some Hangover Remedy somewhere. Blacks are born drunkards," he said, casting a filthy look in the direction from where Mrs. Black could still be heard cursing.
Remus put his hand over Sirius' as the latter was about to pour some more whiskey into his glass. "The house has been practically abandoned for over ten years. I doubt if you would get a Hangover Remedy tomorrow."
"Don't order me around," said Sirius, bristling. "I am not to get out of this accursed house. I am not to do anything but rot in here. The last thing I need is more orders."
Remus pulled away his hand as if he had been struck. "I wasn't ordering you."
"Huh."
"I care, Sirius."
He gave no indication of having heard him and lifted the drink to his lips.
"We all care," said Remus, watching his lips, "and we need you – Harry needs you. It won't be very nice if you were sent back to Azkaban now, would it?"
"I'd rather chance going back to that hell than rot here!"
"I'd rather bear more of your anger and hate than let you take that chance."
Sirius stopped dead. He lowered his glass slowly enough but put it down so hard that it broke – the glass cutting through his hand.
"My hate? You liar! When did I hate you?" He glared at Remus, his eyes blazing.
Remus made no reply but turned away. Pulling out his wand, he spelled away the broken glass and the Firewhiskey bottle.
"Bloody hell, Remus, answer me!"
Sirius gripped his thin arm painfully and turned him around. Remus winced slightly as he felt the small glass piece from Sirius' hand cut through his skin.
"Your hand…"
"Fuck it! Just answer me! I won't let you just stand there and accuse me like that!"
Remus pried open his fingers and brought his wand to Sirius' injured hand. "You know what I am talking about," he said quietly after murmuring a spell to take out the glass piece. Sirius flinched. It was agonizing.
"I don't."
"It is a thing of past now, Sirius. There is no use talking about it."
Remus went over to the basin and soaked a strip of bandage in cold water. He felt Sirius come up behind him.
"If you mean…"
Remus turned and began tying the wet bandage around the magically closed wound. "Don't talk about it, Sirius. Please."
Sirius pulled away his hand.
"You think I would hate you because…"
"Sirius!"
"…because you said that you did not love me? Because you turned away whenever I tried to kiss you?"
Remus cringed slightly as Sirius' voice rose higher.
"How could you think so… LOW of me? Merlin, Remus! I love you," said Sirius, clutching his shoulders, "Doesn't THAT get into your fat head? I don't care whether you love me or not. I love you and that's not going to change." And he lowered his lips to Remus' in a passionate kiss.
Remus stiffened – then pushed Sirius away.
The darker man's eyes were slowly growing glazy. The alcohol was beginning to have its effects.
"Why not?" he demanded, not letting go of him.
"This is just… not right. You are drunk. You need to get to bed."
"I still love you, Remus," said Sirius, bringing up a hand to his face and cupping his jaw.
Remus' grey eyes grew hard. "But you don't trust me. I cannot have your love without trust, Sirius. It is just not possible."
"I've already said sorry for that, have I not? Remus, please…"
Just then the doorbell rang again.
Remus pulled away from Sirius. Running a shaky hand through his brown-grey hair, he went to open the door.
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Sirius had fallen into a morose silence. Everyone presumed it was because he had been confined to a house he hated. No one asked questions – Remus was mightily glad about that. Alcohol tended to loosen his best friend's tongue and the last thing he needed was a declaration of his affections in public. However, Dumbledore had cast a thoughtful look towards him after glancing the same way at Sirius. He wasn't worried when it came to Dumbledore. Who would know better than him that there was no better Secret-Keeper in this world than Dumbledore?
Remus had practically played host all the evening. Sirius had done little except scowling at the wall opposite to where he sat.
As the last of the Order members left the house, Remus locked the door and returned to the kitchen.
Sirius had had his head resting on the table against his arms for the last half an hour. However, he looked up as he heard Remus go about cleaning the place before he left. Molly had wanted to stay to help, but Remus had convinced her that he would manage things on his own. Having Sirius kiss him in front of Molly was worse than anything in public.
"Moony."
Remus looked warily at the bleary-eyed dark man. Better put him to bed, first. He conjured quilts and covers in the kitchen and arranged a bed in a corner.
Sirius put up no resistance as he pulled him up and half-carried, half-dragged him to the bed.
As he lay him down, Sirius held on to his hand.
"Stay," he said, his voice sounding unnaturally desperate.
Remus couldn't deny. Not when he sounded so helplessly distressed. Sirius needed him. He could always sense that. But love? He still wasn't sure about that.
Whispering a quiet "Nox", Remus lay down beside him, pulling the covers over both of them.
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To Be Continued…
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please review if you are reading the story. The more reviews I get, the faster I update. No reviews or almost no reviews tend to discourage me from writing and I usually give up on such stories.
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