Chapter 6: Quagmire
Peter was outside talking to his best friends Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland. Several hours earlier, he talked Lois out of going to the car lot, and she had agreed to keep Chucky (what a mistake that was!)
"So, I got my new Chucky doll today. You want to see it?" Peter said.
"Yeah, sure, Peter. I'll bet it's not even real. I'll bet you just drew it on a piece of paper and then cut it out," Joe said.
"You'll find it funny in a moment, Joe, when you see it is 100 authentic. It is much more real than all of yours combined," insulted Peter. Everyone had their Chucky dolls with them. They were each only 8" long, and they were poorly crafted. They were nowhere near as real as the Chucky that Peter owned.
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland entered the house. "Goodness! What's that stain of blood doing there?" Cleveland exclaimed, pointing at the puddle of blood near the kitchen door.
Peter and the other guys looked eerily at it. "Huh. Funny. That wasn't there when I left," Peter said.
"Uh huh, yeah, sure, whatever," the other guys said in disbelief. "You're trying to set us up for a scare."
"No, really. Maybe Kobe Bryant came in here and some by-stander shot him," Peter said.
(Cuts to scene in living room. Kobe Bryant comes inside, looking around. "Hello? Any hot guys in here?" he called. Just then, somebody passing by on the street shoots him. He falls on the floor, and then the person drags his body out of the house.) (Sorry if this offends anyone, but this is part of the story).
Peter turned to the sofa, and saw that the box where he left Chucky was empty. "Huh. Where'd he go? Lois! What did you do with Chucky?" Peter shouted. There was no answer. "Lois? Lois?"
"This is so fake," Quagmire said. "I'm going home. I know you're just setting me up." That dampened everyone else's spirit as well, so they left as well.
"No, guys, come back," whined Peter. But nobody heard him. "Ah man," he groaned.
Later that night, Peter, Chris, Meg, and Brian sat at the table in the kitchen to eat dinner. Normally, Lois cooked their meals. However, her mysterious absence forced Peter to order pizza. When the pizza man came with the pizza, Peter took the pizza and paid the delivery guy, who looked like a high-school dropout. He then set the pizza on the table, and everyone ate.
"Kids, have you seen your mother?" Peter asked. Chris and Meg shook their heads. "What about you, Brian?" he asked.
"Um, Peter… I'm not sure if I should tell you this, but…" Brian started, sounding a little bit embarrassed and nervous.
"Yes, boy, what is it?" Peter said.
"Well, ah, you know that Chucky doll that you bought?" he asked.
"Yes," Peter said.
"Well, sometimes weird things happen in life for no reason. You see, what happened with Chucky was…" Brian started, but was interrupted when the family heard Quagmire screaming outside.
"Come on, gang, let's see what Quagmire is screaming about," Peter said, getting up and exiting the kitchen through the back door. He then saw Quagmire in his front yard, looking at the disgusting, horribly damaged body of Lois.
"Peter! What's your dead wife doing in my lawn?" shouted Quagmire.
"Dead wife?" Peter said. "Uh-oh… Kids, it looks like we now know what happened to Mom." Chris and Meg looked like they were about to cry, and Brian seemed a bit sad, although he'd gotten over most of his sorrow since he had known about it already, and he had time to settle down.
"Mom!" shrieked Meg when she was Lois's body in Quagmire's lawn.
"Wait, I'll bet you killed her, Quagmire!" Peter accused, noticing that Quagmire had a hammer in his hand. (Quagmire was actually hammering in a picture inside, but Peter did not believe that.)
"What! Giggity giggity, no way!" he yelled.
"Oh yeah, then what are you doing with that hammer?"
"I was hanging up a picture when I happened to look out the window and see Lois's body in my yard, and I'm thinking, what the hell?"
"That's bullshit, Quagmire!" Peter yelled. "And I'm not going to let you hurt my wife again!" He punched Quagmire in the jaw. He then hit him hard in a sensitive place in his stomach.
"Peter, relax! I did nothing with your wife!" Quagmire said. However, Peter continued to beat the crap out of Quagmire.
"Get him, Dad!" shouted Chris.
"Yeah, Quagmire! Leave our mom alone!" Meg shouted.
Brian quietly scoffed. "Idiots," he muttered. "They don't have a clue."
Finally, Quagmire faked passing out so that Peter would leave him alone. "Come on, kids, let's go back in. I think Quagmire's taken care of. Then, we'll call the hospital to examine her wounds and then prepare for a funeral," Peter said with sorrow. Everyone sadly went back into the house to finish dinner. Nobody spoke another word to each other in the Griffin household for the rest of the night.
Meanwhile, Quagmire got up. Sure, he was bleeding and in great pain, but he had not passed out. He was able to hop over to his door to go back into his house. "Stupid Peter," he mumbled. "I'll get him for what I did!" Quagmire walked up the stairs to his bathtub. The room was immensely dark, but of course, this was not unusual, as Quagmire always loved it dark, because it was a nice, quiet, atmosphere. He felt around for the water knob, and then filled his bathtub with nice, steaming hot water. Once the tub was filled, Quagmire took off his clothes and got inside. He got the soap and began to wash.
After Quagmire had washed, he just sat in the tub to let the hot water infiltrate and soothe his tired, stressed skin. Just then, Quag thought he heard a noise in the cabinet. "Giggity, giggity, giggity!" Quagmire yelled in a threatening way. There was no response. Quagmire thought maybe he was just crazy, and just relaxed in the tub some more. But then, two pairs of little hands pushed Quagmire's face under the water. He splashed around, trying to get out, but he couldn't. The hands held him down too well. He used his legs to try to pull him out of the tub, but the hands had now grabbed his face so he couldn't move. Then, one of the pair of hands let go, and Quagmire could faintly hear footsteps running off. When he heard them come back, he heard something being thrown, but he was now almost unconscious and could barely comprehend anything. Then, the pair of hands let go of him. As he almost passed out, he felt the most horrible electrical sensation flowing through his body. It felt like millions of hot pins piercing through his body at once. Then, Quagmire's head clunked to the bottom of the tub.