Disclaimer: I don't own em'
Title: Cale Diaries
Author: a fan
Rating: PG
Episode Reference: Blah Blah Woof Woof
Spoilers: All first season episodes
Fic Reference: None
Feed back: Always welcome! Email me at afanofda@yahoo.com
Acknowledgements: To my awesome beta Zanna whose contributions go much further than finding my lost commas of which I may add there are many. Zanna your insights are invaluable to me.
Chapter 39- Thursday November 28, 2019 - Sad Waltz (Blah Blah Woof Woof)
Summary: Logan deals with his upcoming surgery and the prospect of losing Max.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday November 28, 2019
2:00 am
I'm beginning to understand Nathan now, how he was even able to consider abandoning the cause for Rebecca and Alina. He was grasping at the hope of some happiness, some love in his life. In the end, the people he loved were the most important thing to him. Matt also has that. He has his work, but his family is his number one priority. His love for them supercedes everything else. I used to wonder what it felt like to care for somebody so much that you are willing to give up everything just to protect her. I had never been in a position before where I had to choose, but now I understand. Max's safety is more important to me than my own life.
Yesterday, my fears about Lydecker were fulfilled. It took him only four days to plaster Max's face on every lamppost in this city. Sam told me to get some rest, but I didn't get any rest at all. Instead, I found myself pushing through the day, helping Zack break Max out of South Market and then driving them both to the family cabin. I felt every rut and pothole as I drove the thirty miles of side roads to and from that cabin. It took all my determination to hide that pain from Max. I am still feeling the effects now. The pain in my back has been intensifying all night. I'm sure the trip did wonders in preparing me for surgery in the morning, but I don't really care. It doesn't matter what happens to me as long as Max is safe.
Bling suggested I might be able to reunite with Max after my surgery. What an impossible dream! I know it, and Max knows it, too. She knew my answer before she asked me to leave with her. I could hear the hopelessness in her voice. It would be impossible for me to keep up with her. My body doesn't have the strength or the endurance. She can't wait for me now, and she won't be able to wait for me on the road. What would she do the next time something happens? She won't be able to stop and drop me off at the nearest medical center. This surgery is a perfect example of what a liability I am to her. If she knew about it, she wouldn't leave. She would insist on staying and seeing me through this. But she can't wait. She needs to leave now. Although I yearn to go with her, even if I make it through tomorrow, I have my own responsibilities to face. I can never abandon Eyes Only. My own little needs are insignificant compared to the enormous need that exists in the world. I can never abandon my work. Max can't stay and I can't leave. We are both trapped by our circumstances.
I'm listening to Valse Triste again, Sibelius' sad waltz. It seemed so appropriate to me as I grabbed the CD on my way out the door with Zack. I knew that if we succeeded in rescuing Max, she would never be coming back. Max understood that right away when she heard the music. The kiss she gave me was so sad and so final. She knew that she would never see me again. Valse Triste was written for a play in which an old woman rises from her deathbed and finds herself at a ball. The music begins softly, gently, as her escort leads her in a waltz. Then as the evening progresses, the music becomes more intense and she is swept up in a wave of frantic motion. Finally, the music slows once more and the woman discovers that only she and her escort remain. She realizes then that it is her dead husband who has come to claim her. Understanding that it is her time, she goes with him willingly. Their sad waltz brought them back together. Max will never again be with me. The rescue, the drive to the cabin, and our only kiss were our sad waltz, but our sad waltz has ripped us apart.
I haven't seen a storm like this in ages. The rain is pouring down in sheets, streaming down my windows. The skies are mourning again, mourning with me for something that never was. The death of a relationship can happen so quickly at times. Our relationship died before it even got started. At this moment, I don't have the strength to will myself through tomorrow's surgery. Maybe it would be better if I died, then this pain would end. The pain in my back has been increasing steadily and so has the pain in my soul. I don't know which is worse. I can't begin to describe the sadness I feel at the prospect of life without Max. I wish I had asked her to stay. I wish I had said something. But I did the right thing. I ensured her freedom and safety. And I always do the right thing. Right?
Title: Cale Diaries
Author: a fan
Rating: PG
Episode Reference: Blah Blah Woof Woof
Spoilers: All first season episodes
Fic Reference: None
Feed back: Always welcome! Email me at afanofda@yahoo.com
Acknowledgements: To my awesome beta Zanna whose contributions go much further than finding my lost commas of which I may add there are many. Zanna your insights are invaluable to me.
Chapter 39- Thursday November 28, 2019 - Sad Waltz (Blah Blah Woof Woof)
Summary: Logan deals with his upcoming surgery and the prospect of losing Max.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday November 28, 2019
2:00 am
I'm beginning to understand Nathan now, how he was even able to consider abandoning the cause for Rebecca and Alina. He was grasping at the hope of some happiness, some love in his life. In the end, the people he loved were the most important thing to him. Matt also has that. He has his work, but his family is his number one priority. His love for them supercedes everything else. I used to wonder what it felt like to care for somebody so much that you are willing to give up everything just to protect her. I had never been in a position before where I had to choose, but now I understand. Max's safety is more important to me than my own life.
Yesterday, my fears about Lydecker were fulfilled. It took him only four days to plaster Max's face on every lamppost in this city. Sam told me to get some rest, but I didn't get any rest at all. Instead, I found myself pushing through the day, helping Zack break Max out of South Market and then driving them both to the family cabin. I felt every rut and pothole as I drove the thirty miles of side roads to and from that cabin. It took all my determination to hide that pain from Max. I am still feeling the effects now. The pain in my back has been intensifying all night. I'm sure the trip did wonders in preparing me for surgery in the morning, but I don't really care. It doesn't matter what happens to me as long as Max is safe.
Bling suggested I might be able to reunite with Max after my surgery. What an impossible dream! I know it, and Max knows it, too. She knew my answer before she asked me to leave with her. I could hear the hopelessness in her voice. It would be impossible for me to keep up with her. My body doesn't have the strength or the endurance. She can't wait for me now, and she won't be able to wait for me on the road. What would she do the next time something happens? She won't be able to stop and drop me off at the nearest medical center. This surgery is a perfect example of what a liability I am to her. If she knew about it, she wouldn't leave. She would insist on staying and seeing me through this. But she can't wait. She needs to leave now. Although I yearn to go with her, even if I make it through tomorrow, I have my own responsibilities to face. I can never abandon Eyes Only. My own little needs are insignificant compared to the enormous need that exists in the world. I can never abandon my work. Max can't stay and I can't leave. We are both trapped by our circumstances.
I'm listening to Valse Triste again, Sibelius' sad waltz. It seemed so appropriate to me as I grabbed the CD on my way out the door with Zack. I knew that if we succeeded in rescuing Max, she would never be coming back. Max understood that right away when she heard the music. The kiss she gave me was so sad and so final. She knew that she would never see me again. Valse Triste was written for a play in which an old woman rises from her deathbed and finds herself at a ball. The music begins softly, gently, as her escort leads her in a waltz. Then as the evening progresses, the music becomes more intense and she is swept up in a wave of frantic motion. Finally, the music slows once more and the woman discovers that only she and her escort remain. She realizes then that it is her dead husband who has come to claim her. Understanding that it is her time, she goes with him willingly. Their sad waltz brought them back together. Max will never again be with me. The rescue, the drive to the cabin, and our only kiss were our sad waltz, but our sad waltz has ripped us apart.
I haven't seen a storm like this in ages. The rain is pouring down in sheets, streaming down my windows. The skies are mourning again, mourning with me for something that never was. The death of a relationship can happen so quickly at times. Our relationship died before it even got started. At this moment, I don't have the strength to will myself through tomorrow's surgery. Maybe it would be better if I died, then this pain would end. The pain in my back has been increasing steadily and so has the pain in my soul. I don't know which is worse. I can't begin to describe the sadness I feel at the prospect of life without Max. I wish I had asked her to stay. I wish I had said something. But I did the right thing. I ensured her freedom and safety. And I always do the right thing. Right?