Disclaimer: I do not own Gunslinger Girl. I haven't read the manga, so keep that in mind when reading.
Vita e Morte
I used to be dead. I breathed, my limbs moved, my heart pumped blood through my veins; I could see and touch and perform all of the other functions that constituted a living body. But I as a person was dead. Such things are difficult to explain to those that have not experienced it for themselves. Yet that is how it used to be with me. I did not have life until it was given to me.
Before I had life, I had nothing. I had no purpose. Once life was given to me, I was also given a reason for living. I could now use my body for a purpose. But more than that, I had a duty to repay the one that gave me this gift. He is all that matters to me in this world; before I had him, I was dead. The life he has given me I must dedicate to serving him.
When he is not with me, it feels as if I'm wasting the gift he gave me on meaningless things. The only time that is worth anything is the time I spend by his side, or executing orders he gives to me. I only go through the motions of being without him to better myself, so that I will be of more use to him. If I do not do this, I am making ill use of the gift of life. I am grateful for this gift; I must not squander it.
I am aware that there are others living around me. I see them as I go through my day, and I speak to them if I must. But they really have nothing to do with me. I remove myself from them. There is no one with me in my room to distract me from my thoughts. They all gather together as if there was some purpose behind it. Nothing in this betters them physically or mentally; nothing in it helps them in executing orders. And so I choose to be alone, for associating with the others means nothing to me.
There is only thing in this world that is worth living for. Nothing else matters. Nothing.
--
"Useless." The word echoed long after his voiced disappeared in the air. It was a sentence, a judgment passed upon me by the one person whose opinion matters. I was pushed aside, forced to stand and watch as another performed the task originally assigned to me. I failed, utterly failed. I never let him down before; he said as much himself. But now, frozen in the shame of my mistake, he calls me useless.
I know that he's right. If I cannot perform this simple task, what use am I to him?
--
All I have is a picture. His eye is there, watching me. It almost feels as if he's there with me. It doesn't matter to me that the room is dark and bare. Some of the others have foolish things such as dolls or perfume. I have the picture. That's all I need.
That day, a thought came to me. I never had much to do with the other girls, but I saw her handler touch her and speak to her gently. I don't think I've ever been touched by my handler. Until that day, I didn't see it as wrong. That was the way things were in my world, and I accepted it. I saw then that things could be different. I spoke to him, and he drowned me out.
Perhaps a rift had grown between us that I didn't notice. I thought long and hard on what to do to strengthen our bond again. It came to me: go back to the place where it all began. Surely there, we would connect once again. I requested that he take me there and told him I wanted to show him something. It was very important, I said to him. He agreed.
He did not recognize the place. He brushed it off, brushed me off. As if none of it mattered. It was like he didn't care at all what the place meant to me. I couldn't believe that it didn't matter to him. My life began in this place thanks to him, and he-- father and brother both-- dismissed it easily and carelessly.
All I could think about was that this was the place of my birth. He gave me life, he gave me purpose, he gave me something to work for. With a shrug and a wave, he dismissed it all. I meant nothing to him. Nothing.
I watch him fall to the earth, soundlessly. He is gone. My father... my brother… the one thing in the world that mattered to me. There is nothing left for me now.
My life will end where it began.