Product Warranty
FMA
Envy/Greed
NC-17 for lemon & language
Good fish! Pre-anime by about 150 years. Envy finding all the things he really hates about Greed are all really cool and should not be hated, or if they are hated should be done in a fabulous new way. Manipulative Greed is so much fun, very savvy.

For lykomancer, who can kick much.

Laughter exploded at the bar so raucous one of the gray hairs started choking so badly on his whiskey he stopped breathing. Because he remained seated and quiet and the racket was still loud and colorful, no one noticed for two full hours. Fists grimy with machine oil and studded with calluses and scars pounded the counter and shoulders, mouths agape with laughter showed holes where teeth should've been and black tar where teeth were. Cigar smoke of many plants soaked the air while the whiskey flowed as freely as the piss.

The crowd was centered around a tall seated man, trading filthy stories and dirty jokes with two young women of questionable virtue seated comfortably on either side. They were paid to laugh and make men happy, but tonight they were laughing for free.

Greed was having a good time. He liked people. They liked him. These were simple uncomplicated crooks and mechanics, his kind of people. They'd seen his teeth and eyes and called him a red-eyed demon slut until he'd corrected them, "I'm a demon whore, shitface, I'd do it for fucking free!"

They'd liked that.

Envy lurked in the shadows, reeking disapproval; they were there to gather raw materials, not make friends with the raw materials. No one noticed him. He blended in perfectly. Greed didn't.

Everyone paid attention to Greed.

A week later, the town burned and smoked and Envy had Greed's knuckles imprinted along his ribs. Two bones had broken from the punch that sent him flying through fire and a plaster wall. He wasn't used to pain; it made him frantic, jittery. Envy leapt to his feet snarling, the smoke too thick for him to see or smell, but with that armor of his, the one Greed had surprised him with, Greed probably could.

Through sheer spite and vinegar, Envy managed to break through the shield to break Greed's arm. And while Envy was faster than Greed, more agile, he'd never seen Greed fight, and Greed was stronger and a lot harder to hurt.

Blood passed Envy's lips as he choked on something broken in his chest, quivering on the ground with stress and anger and more pain. He stayed quiet; it would give his position away, and Greed would be hunting him, trying to exploit the tiniest vulnerability and--

"What's going on?" Lust's voice broke the crackle of flames, liquid smooth suede, reeking masculinity, still hidden in the smoke. Envy froze.

"There was a problem," Greed's lazy drawl came from Envy's left, not more than five feet away and he still couldn't see in the goddamned smoke! "Tell the Master the area's no longer usable. She'll have to find her alchemist new shit."

Greed was the rookie. Greed was the fucking new guy and he was giving orders to Lust?

"Where's Envy?" Lust didn't sound insulted, or surprised. Envy felt his body chill for a whole new reason.

"Being the problem," Greed sighed, sounding tired. Sounding annoyed. And not in any pain. Blood flowed through Envy's mouth again, this time because he was grinding his teeth too hard. "Don't worry about it, sexy. I'll take care of it."

Envy darted through the smoke, following his ears because the fire didn't do much to them, one hand already curled and redesigned to something sharper. Greed's claw ripped through his abdomen and an elbow tore the top of his skull off. Greed had a fancy for decapitation.

When Envy came back to himself, Lust and Greed were gone.

It wasn't that Greed didn't have weaknesses, but more like Greed didn't care.

Example; he liked people, he made friends easily, but killing his human friends and sending him bits didn't bother him, just annoyed him until he started playing bloody fetch with Gluttony. Substandard homunculi were possible; there'd been a Pride that hadn't lasted more a few years because it was…defective. The Master had designed it to mimic humans, but it turned out too human to be of any use, and Gluttony and Envy had taken care of it. If Greed was defective, he hid it extremely well.

Tearing his room apart didn't work; it always looked like a maelstrom had just walked through, a mess of papers, pornographic reading materials, old food, new food, toys, gadgets, sex toys, junk, clothes (Greed had a lot of clothes), shoes (Greed had more shoes than clothes), and socks. Their Master had been pissed the few times Envy lit Greed's room on fire. She had scolded Envy in front of Greed, publicly. Greed had his head in her lap and pouting, and she'd promised Greed he'd get back everything he'd lost in the fire. And they would be brand new, and better than the old broken ones.

His throat had tightened so badly Envy couldn't speak. He kept his face blank, of course, but the anger thrummed through him, hungry.

Attacking Greed in his own room probably hadn't been the smartest thing in the world, but when all the bright ideas didn't work, sometimes the dumb ones did. Besides, Envy needed a clear head to think and beating up Greed would vent off frustrations.

Only Greed knew how to fight. Envy was faster, but he wasn't built for attacking stronger opponents, he was designed to evade, to outsmart, but all his usual tricks hadn't worked.

Later he would convince himself that getting suffocated with Greed's sharp bony elbow in his throat, his legs bent painfully underneath and his wrists held in Greed's huge hand while the other's claws shoved his chest into the floor was entirely, completely, his own idea. That getting beat up was part of the plan, his plan, his master plan to outwit and trap Greed. Envy would convince himself later.

At the moment, Envy could've gotten maybe one leg free, but only after breaking it. He couldn't stomach the thought. Red pearls welled up on his chest from Greed's claws, kneading his flesh like a cat so the wounds would heal up and open again like a bad piano duet. Greed was chuckling, looking sinister and shark-like.

Whatever else he resembled, Envy was beautiful. He knew that, knew that like a secret truth that bound the universe to reality. Greed, however, wasn't always handsome, but he did resemble a predator. Not always animalistic, not always aggressive or cannibalistic, but he was always a predator. Envy wasn't.

He felt sick. He would get angry later, but at the moment Envy was…

No. Envy kicked out, heard his bones creak and break and kept on struggling, the pain a minor worry in a huge avalanche of bigger worry. Greed kept him down, but gently.

"She made me better than you," Greed breathed in his face, smelling like alcohol and dead meat. "I wonder why?"

Envy stopped struggling.

"What's the sell-by date on us anyway? How long do we last before our warranty wears out? How much longer until she," Greed grinned, showing off beautifully sharp rows of shark teeth and leered like a wolf. "Throws you away?"

Greed was smarter than he let on. He'd figured it out earlier than Envy had predicted.

"We don't last forever. I already know about that. You've killed them before, the weaker ones…and she made me stronger than you. Better than you." Greed didn't add the 'I wonder why?' at the end of the sentence, but the question rang in Envy's skull like a church bell. Greed stare penetrated, dug, sifted and he didn't even look sad that he'd have to kill Envy, regretful after all the good times they'd had together, he looked bored.

It was one thing to kill your friends because they got on your nerves; it was something else entirely when the double-faced sons of a bitch tried to off you just for the hell of it.

Envy kicked and yanked his arms with the brutal strength of those who have had one of the universe's grand and beautiful secret truths revealed to them and bloodied Greed's broken jaw with his elbow. Greed laughed; his thick full-bodied laugh. Envy kicked something soft and punched something that cracked and saw alternately red mist and white sparkles when Greed cracked their skulls together and focused in briefly to kick the side of Greed's head hard enough to twist his neck.

Greed fell on one knee, stunned, then grabbed Envy's wrist from behind Greed's back and yanked over-arm. Envy skidded like a cat and fell on his feet. Greed stood, still smirking a shade proudly and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Ouch. You got me that time. Snapped the brain stem right in half." Greed hooked one thumb in his belt loop and cocked his head to one side.

"I'll kill you first." Envy remained in a crouch, breathing hard. "I know what it takes."

"I know you do," Greed agreed quietly. "And you might. And I'd be dead, and how strong will be the next monster she cooks up for you? Pretty damn strong? Or just fast? Or maybe both?"

Envy didn't answer.

Their Master hadn't made Greed faster than him; just stronger, more durable.

"I don't understand alchemy," Greed continued. Greed liked to hear himself talk, but for all his casual gestures and movements, the lazy brandied drawl in his voice, he never took his eyes off Envy. Smart. "Never really did, so I don't know what any her diagrams and notes mean."

Envy shifted. Greed had broken into Master's lab, her archives, and he'd just admitted it to Envy. Greed was gambling. Envy straightened his back and dropped his arms, drawing up to his full height. Greed was still taller than him, but it was the arrogance that counted.

"What is it you want?"

Greed grinned. "Everything."

Envy waited for clarification. Greed stared at him, smirking. Envy grimaced; Greed and his fucking games, the piss. "What?"

"You heard me. Everything." Greed prowled closer, licking the blood from his lips. "Money. Fame. Women, wealth, power, and…everything." He ran his fingers—human fingers again, not the black-tipped claws—along Envy's jaw. Envy fought not to jerk away. He felt sick again, for an entirely different reason. Envy was used to charming the pants and dresses off people, he wasn't used to people trying to charm him. He was even less used to it working. Not even Lust had managed it, none of the Lusts, and Greed was just some fucking newbie mistake.

He was one who blended in. He was the perfect spy, bridge between one world and the other; Pride and Lust couldn't stop being what they were long enough. They didn't have the control, the discipline he had. They didn't have his skills, his abilities. Envy was special, different from the other Sins, he was versatile and funny and charming and beautiful.

It'd been Greed they'd paid attention to. Greed.

"What about the Stone?"

"That too," Greed murmured, very close. Then he blinked and refocused on Envy's face instead of his crotch. "When our Master has what she needs, we'll be able to go after bigger fish. We'll all benefit."

"And you'll be able to become human?" Envy tried not to shiver, to keep his eyes open when nails scratched lightly over his bare side. His mouth was dry, and what passed for blood was rushing through his veins, making him dizzy.

Greed chuckled, "Why would I want to do that? I asked to be made this way."

Envy did startle, partly because of the words and partly because Greed's hand was running over the back of his thighs and cupping his ass.

"What?" Greed inquired against his throat, lips dry and chilly. Envy shivered and closed his eyes, clenching his fists. He'd killed the first Lust in bed; that fact made him feel relaxed enough not to mind Greed's teeth. Greed's smell, however—whiskey brandy rum leather sex—was driving him mad.

"When the devil offers you a deal," Greed murmured, "there's only one thing to say."

"Yes?"

Greed crushed his body and forced his mouth open. Envy struggled, kicking open his personal space until he had room to grab Greed's head and shove his tongue down his throat, cutting himself on Greed's teeth and feeling Greed's lips and tongue eat him alive and groaned, genuinely hard for the first time in fifty years.

Greed's hair in his fingers felt good, stiff and soft, wet in places with blood and Envy pulled and ripped at it arbitrarily, running his palms over Greed's throat that was too thick and too strong to break with his bare hands. Sharp teeth shaped like a shark's bit his lips and Envy was surprised to find his body twitching and groaning at the sensation, rubbing itself against Greed's broad chest. Since when had he liked pain? Since when had he liked the sharp feeling? It was hard to breathe; Greed's smell was swallowing him whole.

Then Envy found himself flying through the air and hit the bed cluttered with dirty books and fluffy toys. He kicked junk off of it as he spun around, ready for another fight or another grope, whichever came first. Greed was aggravatingly satisfying like that.

Clothes were stripped off as Greed stalked forward, the carbon shield dropping to his waist before his kicked off his boots and climbed into bed, grabbing Envy's ankle and dragging him closer.

Envy forgot to fight for himself when those arms crushed him again, forgot to stand up for his personal space and superiority when Greed's shark teeth began biting at his mouth and neck again until Envy was scratching Greed's back mindlessly, squirming and panting. Even the first Lust had shown him more respect than this, even though the idiot had been half-crazed with itself by the time they hit the bed. Greed didn't show respect to anyone, didn't fear anything—Envy arched up and choked on a sound, lipping Greed's ears and jaws and throat and mouth for the heady liquor taste coating the surgical alcohol—and Greed was crazy enough to go after everything.

For some, there are no limits.

Yanking and tearing, Envy's hands got Greed's pants off his body and wrapped one leg around his waist while his palm felt Greed's bare ass. Bare-naked skin. Hard and smooth under his palm, not human-soft or gentle, and Envy's hand gripped hard while he bit his lower lip, arching up again as Greed's hips rubbed against his crotch like a cat. Envy grinned above, head tilted back to give Greed better access to his neck, reshaped his knee and free hand into something bone-hard and very spiky-sharp and brought his knee up hard while his hand attacked from the rear.

Both hit and scraped against the carbon shield, harder than Lust's nails, and Envy whined in his throat, grimacing before jerking away.

Greed chuckled again and darted to grab Envy's hands before they could reach his face. Envy could mimic Lust's nails, but he hadn't been designed with the over-abundance of elements that made those nails as strong as they were. Envy could only mimic a weaker version.

Greed was grinning again, smirking, while Envy pouted. It was a good pout too; a full-bodied rose blossom pout.

"C'mon," Greed rumbled. "I'm greedy, not stupid. Did you really think I trusted you that much?"

"You let me get this close," Envy pointed out, complaining and panting. His eyes were wide and soft, throat bobbing when he swallowed hungrily. "I am going to kill you."

"Promises, promises," Greed stroked the inside of his wrist, against his gloves, sounding giddy and amused. Envy hadn't even tried to get naked, and Greed had been too busy groping and grinding against him to strip him. "You say it, but you don't mean it."

Envy blinked, surprised. It was easy to be surprised with Greed. "You want to die?"

"I want everything," Greed repeated.

Envy stared, his face going thoughtful and blank. Greed's own face was sharp but unreadable, and Envy was good at reading faces. Envy blinked. Whoever, whatever Greed had been while he'd been alive, he'd been good at it. Formidable. Even now, he reeked of power that none of the other Lusts or Prides or Sloths had had. Gluttony had never had it, and the one Wrath they had had been criminally insane, not powerful.

Envy blinked.

Everything meant…everything. Absolutely everything.

Envy blinked again.

Wow. Damn.

Envy's shoulders relaxed and his body went limp. He smiled ruefully, and let his clothes disappear into his skin. Greed waited a moment, watching carefully.

Envy's smile turned into a grin, and he leaned up slowly until he could run his lips against Greed's throat, kissing and nipping gently over his collarbone. One of his hands was released and he ran it over Greed's back, fingering the alchemy leylines and nodes; they were useless to him, he couldn't do anything with them. He tongued the side of Greed's throat and groaned low, eyes falling shut.

Greed tasted the way all the other homunculi did: a chilly chemical film instead of sweat with a tang of salt, but there was a vague aftertaste of cigar smoke, of liquor. Greed's wide hand stroked along his spine until he shivered and arched into it, then swiped across his thighs, making his stomach quiver and jerk. Envy's hips jumped naturally, normally, nothing staged and nothing planned, grinding hungrily until Envy nearly screamed because Greed had grabbed his cock hard. Greed's teeth muffled his noise, and Envy beat down the impulse to be grateful while his body flew on blood and sweat, the smell of liquor getting soaked with the smell of sex.

Despite himself, despite his best intentions, Envy was enjoying himself. He wanted this: the inhuman strength, the human stupidity and aptitude, charm, comforting pragmaticism. It was different, it was new, it was powerful and fun and dangerous.

Greed's lips bruised his neck, drew lines with his teeth into his shoulders and chest, but for all his careful seduction and Envy's eager moans, he never let go of Envy's other arm. Envy had to grin at that while he panted and jerked, moaning; smart. Very smart. Then Greed's hand left his cock and Envy would've torn his throat open if Greed hadn't been gripping his wrists. Greed's hand—huge monstrous thing, a field hand's hand, a predator's hand—was big enough to hold both his slender wrists tight, and Envy was never sure why that turned him on; it just did.

Greed rolled them until they were side by side, one leg between Envy's thighs and his hand on Envy's stomach circling and pressing, making Envy bite into Greed's shoulder until he drew blood or arched against him, squirming and panting softly. How long since he'd gotten off? Seriously gotten off, and not just acted and come for some other motive? How fucking--?

Envy stretched and shouted, digging his fangs in deep to hide the sound, hips thrusting mad against Greed's grip that was almost warm from the friction, almost living and warm.

Greed growled encouragingly in his ear, excitedly, squeezing and sliding his hand painfully slowly, biting and tonguing Envy's ear until he was twisting and arching indiscriminately, arbitrarily.

Greed grinned.

Envy dug his nails in and tried not to remember. He couldn't help groaning, tensing and freezing; he even allowed himself to feel grateful for a few seconds after the orgasm came and left him bobbing in the aftermath, but he'd be damned if he remembered anything.

Greed was still grinning when Envy opened his eyes, his teeth forcibly extracted from Greed's chest. Greed swiped a hand spattered in white and red down Envy's chest possessively, looking damn pleased with himself while still aroused.

At his best, Envy tried to look annoyed and only came out looking--

"You really are cute."

"Fucker," Envy slurred back, sighing comfortably against the sheets before smiling gently. That had been nice. That'd been very nice. And it was better if Greed underestimated him; he could stand a little condescension, if it meant Greed was going to lower his guard some.

All Greed did, however, was begin to touch himself, eyes locked half-lidded and curious on Envy's face. Envy was, again, momentarily baffled; Greed was touching himself but it was Envy's reaction he was getting…then Envy grinned challengingly, and jerked one hand free to trail down.

Greed grinned back.

He let his eyes close when Greed leaned forward to kiss him gently, tenderly, while his fingers explored. Not much point in fighting now; he was too relaxed too really want to get in another fight. And Greed wouldn't openly attack him—the attack would come from the side, or from behind, from somewhere Envy wasn't expecting it. But not from the front, and that was comforting.

But Greed had been an adult when he been killed; Lust would love to get his claws on this one by the size of it, if he hadn't already. The blood and Envy's own spatter made the slide smooth, not quite liquid smooth, but gritty smooth over an erection rather thicker and longer than Envy was used to. It was warmer than Lust's had been as well, and—Greed groaned into his mouth, breaking away to hide in the crook of his shoulder, his free hand stroking Envy's spine hard, red streamers blossoming from his nails.

Envy gave a small smile and let his fingers flutter, explore the head and press into the indent before trekking down and downward, rubbing his thumb over the sac and rubbing his legs against Greed's, twining their knees together.

Greed would be louder too. And probably more enthusiastic.

"For someone who's greedy," Envy rolled them over warily, slowly, until he could straddle Greed's body comfortably and lick his sternum. "You sure do give a lot." Greed grinned again, and pushed his head down, again without respect, without fear, and he knew Envy was a traitor and he was just so reckless it was wonderful.

Envy didn't fight, tasting Greed's stomach, rippled and darker than his, finding the chemical-taste stronger than before licking the slopes along his hips. Greed squirmed under him, making small noises, still not letting go of Envy's wrist that he squeezed and clenched and relaxed as his body did. His hair hid his face like this, so Envy glanced up, not very surprised to find that Greed was still watching him cautiously, eyes slightly unfocused and panting heavily, licking his lips. Greed would probably never stop looking like a predator, like a killer, and something tiny but white-hot flew up Envy's chest until he blushed.

He hadn't blushed in ages. Lust had neve—-no one had had ever made him do it naturally. He'd acted it out because it made him adorable, but he'd never done it naturally before. Never.

Greed grinned and pushed down, chest heaving.

Envy swallowed faster than he meant to, more hungrily than he wanted to show but Greed hissed loudly and arched and Envy threw dignity, more or less, to the wind. Greed wanted a lay? Fine; Greed would get a damn fine lay, and he'd use every trick he had, from bobbing to light sucking, scraping his dull teeth over the thin skin and tasted blood, even though he hadn't broken the skin.

The old bat had really pumped Greed full of power, full of energy and half-Stones, rich enough that Envy could taste it from Greed's skin and sweat. The same energy that thrummed through him, that kept him moving and vertical came off Greed in waves. Greed was soaked in life; even normal humans weren't soaked with this much life, didn't taste this rich, not even Envy had been given this much of the Stone and the witch had drummed Greed full--

Envy worked his throat hard, worked his lips and tongue hard, working hard to impress, wanting to impress because everyone liked Greed and was it so much to ask that Greed like him? Worship him? Give him his due adoration?

There might've been better ways to gain all that besides having Greed's cock shoot off in his throat, the white stream going on and on until Envy thought he was going to die the most degrading mortifying death in all history. It was the sort of death Lust had to worry about, not him, never him, but Greed didn't give a fuck about him and didn't give a fuck about the rules either.

Perhaps Greed wasn't the anomaly here; perhaps it was him. After all, Envy had let him do it. Had wanted him to do it. Not all of it, but a lot of it.

He could never break rules like that; the unwritten ones their Master punished for violating, the ones that always brought unpleasant consequences. Envy was far too aware of how fleeting life was, how easily their half-rotten life could be taken away from them; he'd killed too many homunculi, his brothers and sisters, not to know.

Then Greed sighed, or made some type of sound that sounded like the ocean at daybreak and Envy felt himself blush again all the way to the roots of his hair.

Arms pulled him up, wrapped around him and tucked him close and for some strange odd reason he felt safe; possibly because his hands were free and in the region of Greed's abdomen and his shield was down. But possibly also because Greed was breathing into his hair and holding him gently, sweetly, and smelled, strangely enough, like sherry. One long finger was stroking his spine slowly and Greed was happy. Greed had been impressed. Satisfied. Now he wanted to hold on to what had made him happy, for a short while.

Envy hated himself.

He was two hundred years old, a hardened killer, turncoat, and fratricide. He wanted to kill his…well, the people who said they'd known him before he'd changed, before he'd become Envy, before he'd become perfect. Beautiful. He didn't need anyone's approval, anyone's care. He deserved everyone's admiration and worship, but he didn't need it. He didn't need anything or anyone.

He liked the way Greed was holding him, and didn't fight. He closed his eyes and since he couldn't argue his way out, played the whole event off.

"Did you really ask to be made like this?" Envy asked, strangely comfortable under Greed's heavy weight. For all his experience, it just didn't seem right, asking for a life like this. But everything about Greed seemed to inspire horrified fascination, so maybe it wasn't that unusual.

"Yes," Greed muttered against his shoulder.

"Why?"

There was a pause, then Greed levered himself up on one elbow, studying Envy with the amicable treachery of con men everywhere. "I was dying," he said simply.

Envy studied him carefully, thoroughly. Greed—whoever he had been before—hadn't been young. But their Master didn't actually call the transmutations into being, she just collected them after they already existed and gave them names, shapes, and purpose. Cheaper that way, more profitable.

"You're lying."

Greed's expression didn't twitch, not even in his eyes. "Maybe. But so are you."

"About what?"

"Everything," Greed grinned paternally, protectively.

Envy stared, baffled. That wasn't exactly true, but it wasn't exactly wrong either. And Greed had to be suicidal if he thought Envy liked him now, just because he'd let him fuck him and enjoyed it. Instead he grinned back, satisfied that his shit-eating smirk was way more smug than Greed's, and pulled him down for another kiss.

"Can I ask you something?"

"No."

"Were you really turned on back then or was that an act too?"

"…I'm not answering that."

"I'm serious, this is important."

"I'm not answering that."

Pause.

"I thought I was good. You probably don't get laid enough."

"I hate you."

Silence.

"Ask you something else?"

"I'm leaving."

"How do you stand all that hair?"

A/N: I don't know why, and I know it's fucked up, but I kept on seeing Envy wanting a father-figure in Greed that Greed, actually, fills out pretty well.