Author's Note: I owe you all one big giant apology. I'm incredibly sorry it took so long to get this latest chapter out. My inspiration on this story has been severely lacking. I hope you're still with me.
An Exercise in Futility: Chapter nine
Las Vegas, Nevada
2005
The silence in the car carried an undercurrent of unspoken tension. Their time together was rarely marred by quiet, but for once, Sara was not going to be the one to give in first. She concentrated on the road ahead, flexing her hands on the steering wheel, counting the neon lights that advertised something potentially criminal as they passed. She was on twenty-five.
"Are we gonna talk about this?" Myles asked quietly.
She turned at the convenience store that started the familiar route to her apartment, keeping her features void of expression.
"I hope you're okay with the couch because I don't have a guest room. You can stay until this is sorted out".
The silence that met her response was edged with frustration, and Myles shifted in his seat.
"That's not what I meant".
"I don't have anything else to talk about."
He sighed. "Don't do this, Sara. I know you're sticking your neck out for me here. Your boss probably won't like me staying with you, let alone you bailing me out."
"I've already been removed from most of the case. It doesn't matter".
Her apartment complex appeared in the distance, and her inner tension subsided slightly. Myles continued to stare at her doubtfully. "Is it the money? I told you already that I can pay you back—"
"It's not the money", she snapped, jerking the car to an abrupt halt in her regular parking space. Most of her neighbours were already in, but it was still reasonably early in the night for her. She climbed out without waiting for Myles, slinging her bag over her shoulder and slamming the door roughly behind her.
Myles strode rapidly behind her as she started for the entrance, quickening his pace in an effort to meet her. "Sara, will you wait a second, please?"
She continued swiftly through the entrance hall, passing the bank of letterboxes for the stairs that led to her third story apartment.
Myles footsteps echoed dully as he swung around the railing, catching up behind her. "I already apologised. What do you want from me?"
She didn't turn around. "I don't want anything, okay? I'm tired, and it's been a really long day. Right now I just want to get some sleep".
"Look, I'm sorry that I'm dragging you into this. This isn't your fight…"
Sara finally turned, her hand hovering millimetres from the door to the third floor. Her shoulders visibly tightened. "You're making it my fight, Myles".
He blinked; surprised he had managed to evoke a reaction from her. He recovered quickly however, folding his arms and leaning back against the railing.
"You're angry with me".
She closed her eyes, ducking her head and allowing her hair to form a curtain over her face. "Yes, I'm… How did you get yourself in this situation again, Myles? I thought you would know better. This is serious and you're acting like it's nothing".
"Maybe I trust myself. I know I didn't do it, but you don't seem to be getting the hint".
Sara frowned, tilting her chin defiantly. "I never said that".
"You're thinking it, though. I can see the doubt. You really think I could do something like this? I'm not proud of my past, Sara, but this is a little different. I'm not a murderer."
"You slept with your boss", she snapped.
He offered her a weary, humourless smile. "That doesn't seem to be far from your thoughts.
She opened her mouth in shock. "Excuse me?"
Myles rolled his eyes. "Please. You think I don't see what's going on here? Nobody has a relationship with their supervisor like you do. If they do, they're either sleeping with him or planning on it".
Sara felt hot fierce indignation boil up in her chest, despite the fact that she knew Myles had hit a little too close to home. His analysis of her motives had never been more accurate, and never less welcome. "Since when are we talking about me?" she hissed briskly.
He merely smiled, a little too knowingly. "You still like to punish yourself, don't you, Sunshine?"
She folded her arms in a defensive gesture, aware that their voices were starting to echo throughout the empty stairwell. "What are you talking about?"
"You think you need to be miserable forever, don't you? You can't allow yourself to be happy. You go after the unattainable because there's no disappointment there."
She visibly flinched, startled by the harsh accuracy in his observation. She still felt an insistent need to deny it. "That's not true".
"You're thirty-four, Sara, and you're still not married. No kids, nothing. You except me to believe I'm disrupting your perfect life when I don't see anything here".
"I suppose I have you to thank for that".
She felt her heart stop, and she realised that she had really just said that. That thing that had been looming between them for the past few days. The unspoken.
Myles looked incredibly saddened, and reached into his pockets, looking down at the ground. A wad of gum was stuck to the concrete near his feet, bearing hundreds of prior footprints. Silence fell between them for far too long.
"Don't do this, Sunshine", he said quietly. His voice was low and rough, shattering the newfound peace between them.
Sara scoffed humourlessly, looking away from him. "Don't do what? If you're going to analyse my relationships, we might as well start with us. If I'm so emotionally stunted, I guess I can thank you for leaving me that way".
"That wasn't… You know that was for the best. We had an agreement".
"Really? It didn't feel like it to me. It felt like you chose for me and I had to go along with it because there was nothing else for me anyway".
"Do you really think you would have this career if you had stayed with me, Sara? Look at me! Is this the kind of life you want?"
She pursed her lips, remaining silent, looking over the landing where the stairs jumbled on their descent to the ground.
"I'm tired", she repeated, straightening from the door, turning to allow herself onto her floor.
Myles said nothing behind her, and she heard him shuffle forward and follow her quietly through the door.
The rounded the corner, and both of them came to an abrupt halt.
Grissom was waiting at the front of her apartment. He lifted an eyebrow when he saw them, but other than that, he didn't exhibit any surprise, and she guessed he had already been notified of Myles' release.
Sara felt a shiver run through her, and drew in a shaky breath, already feeling far too vulnerable to engage in another emotional confrontation.
"Grissom", she murmured, inching forward uncertainly. "What are you… doing here?"
He had only been to her apartment once in recent memory, and that had been following her unprecedented suspension. After she had spoken to him the way she had, she honestly hadn't expected to have any interaction with him for a few days. His usual method of responding to her emotional attacks was simple—freeze her out. Apparently, he had rejected that technique in favour of making amends, and it only made her feel worse than she already did.
"I came to apologise, actually", he answered, straightening from her doorstep. His eyes briefly scanned Myles, and Sara became very aware of his presence behind her. "I wasn't honest with you".
She swallowed, finding the whole past hour strangely surreal. An angry altercation with the man she considered her first love was one thing, but an apology from Grissom had her firmly convinced she was hallucinating.
"Oh", she managed.
Myles cleared his throat, folding his arms tightly. "As touching as this is, I've been sitting in a cold prison cell for the past three hours. I think I'd like to get some rest".
Sara clenched her jaw, amazed that he could revert to such a sign of possessiveness after the conversation they had just had on the stairs. Mutely, she reached into her bag and retrieved her keys, shoving them in the lock. She opened the door, shooting him a dark look, which he returned levelly before disappearing in her apartment.
She felt like she was seventeen again, in every aspect.
"Is everything okay?" Grissom asked quietly.
Sara turned to him, blinking as the light flashed on in her apartment. She wondered if she would prefer having this conversation in the safety of her own domain, and decided the neutrality of the hall was much more desirable. Myles' presence in the background would not make this any easier.
"I should really be the one to apologise, Grissom. I was out of line and I…"
He lifted a hand to silence her, shaking his head. "You were right. In what you said. I just wanted you to know that".
She nodded, glancing down. His honesty was startling. It was what she had always wanted from him, and she had never felt quite this awkward in her life.
"So. He's staying".
It wasn't a question. She wondered if she detected a hint of jealousy in his voice, or if her exhaustion was inventing what she wanted to hear. At last, she nodded wearily. "Yeah. You can remove me completely from the case. I understand that this is a conflict of interest".
He sighed. "Sara, are you sure you want to do this?"
She fixed him with a level stare, the first time she had allowed their eyes to connect since his arrival. His blue eyes sparkled with something resembling compassion, and she felt immeasurably more reassured than she had before.
She decided to return the favour, and be completely straightforward with him. "There are few people in my life who have stood by me, Grissom.I'm a self-destructive person. I'm sure you know that. You're not the first one to save me from myself. Myles… was there for me when I needed him most. I owe him for that."
He nodded slowly, staring at her intently. "Okay", he said simply.
She pursed her lips, adding the unnecessary, but needing him to know. "I trust you to handle the evidence and prove what you need to."
"I'll try my best".
She felt a small smile tug at her lips. At least something resembling their version of amity had been restored between them. "I don't doubt it".
She turned back towards the door of her apartment, but he stopped her quietly. "Sara?"
She glanced back at him, questioning marring her face. He heaved a deep, heartfelt sigh. "Be… careful with this, okay? I don't want you to get hurt".
She blinked, touched by his obvious concern for her welfare. She nodded quickly, masking her surprise. "You know me".
He smiled; eyes alight with the unmistakable ache of familiarity. "Yes. I do".
She murmured a goodbye, closing the door gently behind her, and glancing across the room to see Myles sprawled out on her sofa, already asleep. She sagged against the door, leaning her head back against the wood surface and closed her eyes.
Knowing that Grissom supported her gave her more confidence in herself than she had thought she needed. She only hoped it would somehow help her to make it through this unscathed.
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San Francisco, California
1988
"Eight o'clock. Don't be late."
"Like I would be".
Myles sounded weary, and older than his years. Sara frowned, hesitating around the side of the house, making a mental decision to wait for Ryan to leave.
The sound of an engine roaring to life a few minutes later was unmistakable, and she waited until the squeal of breaks signalled his progress down the road before emerging from her hiding place.
Myles sat on a lawn chair, staring distantly at a spot somewhere on the horizon. His confined backyard was just as rundown as the inside of the house, littered with garbage and spare parts, and overgrown with weeds. It occurred to her that he had not attempted to make it into a home. She wondered if he even thought of it that way.
"Myles".
He blinked, lifting his gaze to look at her, shielding his eyes from the mid afternoon sun. A small smile broke out on his face, but it was tinged with something else, something like sadness and resignation. "Sunshine."
"What are you planning with Ryan?"
The question came out without preamble, and Sara stared down at him intently, waiting to see if he would answer. Myles avoided her gaze for the first time since she had met him, looking troubled.
"You were listening".
Sara frowned. "It wasn't hard. You've been talking about it for weeks now. Ryan comes over unannounced and you disappear for hours. What are you doing?"
Abruptly, he lifted himself to his feet, arms straining under his cotton t-shirt. "It's nothing for to worry about, okay?"
Sara scoffed disbelievingly, following him as he retreated into the coolness of the house. Ryan was dictating their relationship, and neither of them had bothered to deny it. They hadn't even discussed what had happened the other night. That had been her initial intention in coming over there, until she heard what they were talking about from the other side of the house. Scheming.
"Don't just walk away from me and pretend something isn't going on".
Myles laughed humourlessly, standing behind the counter and retrieving a can of soda from the fridge. "I don't need you to be involved".
"Right. Because you think I need protecting".
"You do need protecting", Myles snapped. "You don't know what Ryan is capable of. You've been living under the same roof for months and you have no idea. You don't need to".
Sara was taken aback by his aggression towards her foster brother. She knew Ryan wasn't a saint. She knew she couldn't trust him. She hadn't trusted anyone, not until… not until Myles came along.
"If I'm in some kind of danger, I'd like to know", she retorted, furrowing her brow.
Myles shook his head. "Knowing will put you in danger."
She hated the way he still dismissed her like she was a child. A child who needed his protection.
"Is this going to get you into trouble, Myles?" she asked softly, lowering her voice. Her eyes were wide, and despite her qualms to the contrary, conveyed her inexorable innocence.
Myles met her gaze. Met with her trust and concern, he didn't want to lie. "It might", he admitted carefully. "Which is why I don't want you to know about it".
Sara closed her eyes at his honesty. "Why are you doing this?"
Myles shrugged. "I'm stuck, Sara. I can't get out of it, and I can't run away."
She didn't need to know the specifics to know he was in trouble. The problem was, so was she. Her feelings for him were overtaking her rational senses, and she was being dragged into it whether she wanted to or not. She had never asked for Myles to protect her, and she remained firmly of the belief that it was something she didn't need.
She studied the Formica countertop intently, and the condensation that clung to the base of Myles soda, pooling water on the counter beneath it. She drew in a breath, and when she opened her mouth, she knew she was about to make a mistake. And there was nothing in the world that could possibly hold her back.
"Then let me help".
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