chapter18
The rain's let up a little. For the first time in a while Riku's looking really good. Not sickly or manically depressed or anything.
"We probably smell really bad by now." Riku says. I shrug. At least we were able to stock up on deodorant... so, I hope we don't smell that bad. Either way, we still need to wash up, somehow. We should have asked if we could use the shower in David's apartment.
Damn.
"Come on," Riku says, walking up the steps of a library. I follow him in and he leads me inside the restroom. It's nice and big in here, with like, 15 stalls and mirrors that reflect off each other and nice tile floors. Riku turns on the sink and soaks a bunch of paper towels. He takes of his jacket and squirts soap onto one of the towels and starts scrubbing his arms. I do the same. I glace back over at him again, he's concentrating hard, trying to get as much of his back as he can. Just give up, Riku.
"Need help?" I say instead. He nods and hands me the paper towel he was using. It rub it against his back gently. With all those bruises and scars on his back I'm scared I'll hurt him. Once his back is all soapy I put down the towel and rub his back with my hands. I look into the mirror; Riku's head is down, but he's looking up slightly. He makes a noise that I can only describe as a purr and I begin more massaging his back than helping him wash up. I rub his shoulders and he makes that sound again. I look up into the mirror so I can see his face; he's smiling.
"You..." He starts, but stops. He starts again. "You can stop now..." I stop.
"Oh. Okay.."
Along with paper towel dispensers there are those blow-dry things. He bends over in a way he can use one near a sink to dry off. He turns on the water again and dunks his head into the sink, scrubbing his hair. He uses the slightest bit of soap for his hair. He goes back over to the blow dryer to dry his hair. I continue washing up, sitting on the counter to scrub my legs clean. He sits down and tugs up one leg of his pants.
He has scars on his legs too.
I feel bad for looking, and he feels bad that I saw.
I go to the sink to wash my hair; it's kind of hard with this huge...like... mop of hair. It's heavy when it's wet. I "ring it out" over the sink but my shirt and sweater end up getting drenched, anyway. Riku offers to dry them off for me, so I hand them over. He holds them under the blow dryer of a few minutes and set them on a dry part of the counter. He helps me wash and dry my back because there's no way I'd be able to use the blow dryer for my back. Because I didn't really dry off the floor is drenched. I slowly make my way over so I don't slip and fall. God, I'm so clumsy. I dry off and reach for my shirt and sweater when Riku pulls me into an awkward hug. My head is pushed into his chest and he's holding me in a way that my arms can't move at all. We hear the door open.
Oh.
Crap.
I turn my head. It's security. Oh God. Riku stays calm, though.
"What's going on in here?" One man asks.
"Nothing." Riku says calmly. "We were outside and his sweater got all wet. We came in here to dry it up a little." He continues. "...And, you see, the floor was a little wet and he slipped and hit his head. It's all under control."
"The library closes soon. Hurry up." He says, and walks out. Riku squeezes me for a second before letting go.
"Dry off your hair a little before we go." Riku says, not sounding all nice and happy like when he was talking to the security guard. I glance at myself in the mirror before drying my hair. When its wet down like this it reaches my shoulders.
I look like a little girl.
"Hurry up," Riku says.
I dry off my hair and we head back out.
The rain's even lighter than before. It's hardly drizzling. But still- I'm freezing. I get closer to Riku as we walk. It's weird that suddenly he just... doesn't care if I do this kind of thing with him. I nuzzle my head into his neck and we slow down walking, just slightly. He shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps looking forward, not even acknowledging my existence. I can't decide if it's better of worse than being yelled at for touching him, though.
A few hours later he says it's probably time to go to sleep. We find a nice, dry place and settle down. Riku lays down, deep in thought and scowling. I sit up and reach over to him, yanking up the sides of his mouth. "Oh come on Riku! What's wrong?"
"Mmff!" He tries to protest, but I just ignore it. ..Until he reaches up and smacks my head. I offer a smile, but he just turns away. I can't help but laugh.
I know he's smiling too.
-
This morning I wake up before him. I sit up and curl up- it's cool out, but not as cold as yesterday. I just reach over to brush Riku's hair out of his face and lay back down. I can hear him turn around and let out a long breath. I look over to see if he's awake yet, but he's not. He's curled up, fingers twitching, smiling slightly.
I wonder what he's dreaming about. He stirs and sits up and stretches, then lays back down.
"Good morning Riku." I say. He grunts in reply. I lay down next to him. I take off my sweater and use it like a blanket over my shoulders and Riku does the same. We're huddled close, now.
There's a long silence. Riku fiddles with his fingers for a moment, nervously. "What's wrong?"
"...Thanks for putting up with me." He says it fast, awkwardly. I grin.
"Ditto. Thanks." He smiles for a second, but only a second.
"Come on," He says, getting up.
-
Riku's been sort of distant this past week. It's weird. One day he's smiling and laughing with me, and then the next he's bitchy- screaming at me for touching him.
He's so weird. I wonder if he's bipolar or crazy or something. Sometimes I wish I still had those antidepressants, but then I feel terrible thinking about making him take those again, how emotionless he was. And who knows- what if he got really upset and overdosed himself?
That makes me even more scared- knowing he has that knife and could just go completely mad and do something stupid.
But still. I know Riku's not suicidal. I know I have to trust him, the way I want him to trust me.
It's all very confusing.
Sometimes I stay up late at night, just kind of watching him sleep, and think. I wonder if it's Riku who's making me thoughtful like this. I think he's always thinking about his dad and mom, and school, things like that. But then, that would be weird, and I think he's probably really thinking about getting through today and tomorrow, and when and what we're going to eat.
Oh, who knows? He's not telling me.
But, anyway. I've been thinking a lot, about just life in general. Riku, school and teachers, my old friends (All two of 'em) and enemies, mom and her boyfriend, the future, if I'll ever find dad.
It's weird. I've never really thought about all this stuff. I thought after I ran away I could just forget about it all, but it's not possible.
I don't know how Riku keeps it bottled up inside. I mean, I don't want to tell him all this stuff about my past. But at the same time, I don't want to keep it inside until I get all weird like him.
Riku.
I look up and see how far ahead of me he is, but today it's alright.
I still wonder if anyone even misses me. Mom didn't like me too much, so I'd really love to know if she really does want me back home. Donald and Goofy miss me I hope- and they did seem really accepting about my feelings toward Riku. I mean, I guess even still it wasn't a big shock I'd fall for a guy. I think I did have a crush on a male student-teacher in third grade...
I wonder what the kids at school think. Are they happy to be rid of me? They never did like me... I wonder if there was a news report on it or something. Newspaper column even? I can imagine the headline. "Local boy runs away; found with murderer/prostitute". Ha, ha.
But... dad. I wonder if he knows I'm out here. I wonder if he cares. He hardly even said goodbye. Part of me wishes he brought me with him, but the other half is sort of glad to be here with Riku.
Besides, if he really wanted me there, we would have...
Oh God, no.
I can't think like that. Of course dad wants me and cares about me. There IS a reason he didn't bring me with him, but it had to have been a 'I want to but really, really can't' thing.
Right.
And as for Riku...
God. I don't know what I'm feeling for him. It's so much more than a crush, I know that. But I want to know if it's real love. I don't want it to be some 'dumb teenager' thing.
"Riku?" I ask.
"Huh."
"Do you ever think anyone misses you? Back where you used to live?"
He sighs and I know he's going to get angry.
This will be a 'Riku the bitch' day.
"Doubt it." He says. "I bet they're glad I'm gone."
"I bet at least some of them feel bad."
Riku laughs; a bitter and cold sound.
That's the end of that conversation.
A few days ago I asked Riku if he liked me. Our talk went something like this:
"Riku?" I asked.
"Hm?"
"Do you like me?" I hope that didn't sound like a 'do you like me the way I like you' sort of thing.
"No." He said. My heart dropped to the ground.
"So you hate me."
"I didn't say that." He said.
The more about Riku I figure out, the more his walls change and there's something completely new about him.
Not always a good thing.
So far I know there's "I hate everything, bitchy, Riku", "sad, feel bad for me" Riku, "sweet, hold me" Riku and "quiet and laid back" Riku. The problem is, if he just stayed one of those for an extended period of time, things would be easier. But every five minutes he's switching. One moment it's "sweet, hold me" then it's "I hate everything, bitchy" and finally it's "sad, feel bad for me".
Still, I'm lucky to have him.
Well, sort of.
"Come on, let's rest for a while." Riku says, sitting down. He unties his shoe then ties it again.
He picks at his sleeve and I think he has a new scar on his arm.
"Are you ever going to stop doing that to yourself?" I say. He knows what I'm talking about, and doesn't answer. "It's really unhealthy Riku..."
"It's not your problem." He snaps. He pauses. "Quit worrying about me. I can take care of myself. It's stupid to worry about me."
"Yeah but..."
"It's my problem, I can take care of it myself." His expression softens a little. "Don't worry. I can take care of myself. I'm not suicidal and I'm not going to kill myself."
"I know, but what if you make a mistake again and you bleed to death before I can get you help?"
"It won't happen so it's no use thinking that way!" I look down and don't say anything else.
We don't talk for a while.
"Hurry up," Riku says finally.
"Sorry." I say, jogging to catch up with him.
Aghh.
My back and shoulders have been really sore lately. It's driving me nuts!
"Riku, I'm not feeling great." I say.
"Congratulations." He says. I can't help but smile. He hasn't replied to something I've said like that for a long time. It's... funny.
"My back really hurts." I say, taking off my backpack and holding it.
"Hmm." He thinks for a moment. "It's probably your backpack. We really need to empty our things out. Get rid of anything we don't need."
"We might as well get rid of my entire backpack, then..." I joke.
"Come on." He says, sitting down.
"Okay." I dig through my backpack, embarrassed at how much crap I have in here.
Why do I have... a deck of cards? I throw that away.
Meanwhile, Riku's digging through his things, too. Putting things in two piles behind him so I can't see any of the stuff he has. Weird.
I can't believe how much crap I have in here. I have an old, empty water bottle, old school papers like tests with giant Fs scribbled in red ink. I have my old gym clothes (why?). I must have accidentally thrown that in here with some other clothes I'll probably never wear.
"Keep another change of clothes." Riku says, putting most of his things back in his bag.
"Okay," I find a red-T shirt and pants and keep those. I also keep a large shirt my dad used to wear a lot, but left behind when he left. I have some more of his things that I couldn't bear to throw away. "Riku?" I ask. I'm ready to ask if I can have the photos when I realize I have them already. I don't know how I do...
"What?"
"...Will you get rid of your knife?"
"No." He says, sternly.
"Please?" I ask. "If you get rid of it then you can't hurt yourself..."
"I'm not getting rid of it."
"But Riku! If you don't stop then you will have to go to an asylum!"
"Oh who cares! Everyone thinks I'm fucking nuts anyway!"
"Who cares? I CARE!" I shout. "Who cares about everyone else! They don't know anything! You can't prove them right! You're not crazy but you're headed there!"
"So-"
"No! Get rid of it! You're making a huge mistake! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a rehab? Being WATCHED at every minute of the day so you won't hurt yourself?"
"No, but..."
"But what?" I ask.
"You wouldn't understand!" he shouts. "You've never..."
"Put this all behind you, Riku. You can make yourself better." He doesn't respond.
"Okay." He says, quietly, sadly. "Okay." I blink.
"Really?"
"..." He looks down for a moment. "Really." I hug him tight and that startles him.
"You're making the right choice, Riku."
"Yeah..." He looks down again. "I guess..." A snuggle my head against him, and he wraps his arms around me. "We should go." He's really quiet. He pushes me away and starts walking and I hurry after him.
An hour or so later we reach a park. By this time, it's cool because of the fog (we're near a lake. ...Why is it foggy if it's only a lake?), but not really cold, like when it was raining. The park's grassy with trees and picnic benches. There are hardly any people here.
Riku smiles, sort of and falls to the ground, bringing me with him. He pulls me close to him and kisses my cheek. I don't ask, or turn around. I just stay still and silent as he holds me and kisses me.
This is the way it's supposed to be.
I don't know why it feels wrong.
He suddenly pushes me off of him... What the hell? ...and walks away.
"Riku?" I ask.
"I'll be back." He says.
I sit up, confused, as I watch him walk away.
--
Author's note: Well, everyone, I just plotted out the rest of the events in Runaway (I had them in mind, but not actually written) and it's really almost over. :P I think I'm going to get emotional. Well, some more big events coming and maybe some filler events (:P) before the big wrap up. Knowing me though... I'll probably make it last five more chapters than needed. :P Now, about this chapter. Some bigger events, but, like the last chapter, a kind of fluffy ending. (Gia- the card part is for you. :P)