Nick found Sara just as she was walking into the lab. It took her a fraction of a second after seeing the look on his face to know that being there was just too much for him. She enveloped him in a hug and then led him back outside to her Denali which was parked a ways away from the door. They stood outside of it and Sara just held onto him, neither one of them saying anything for a very long time. Finally, Nick found his voice.
"She didn't kill herself." The tone of Nick's voice held anger and relief. Anger at the fact that someone else had made the choice for her and relief that there was no way he could blame himself for what had happened.
"What?" Sara pulled away and looked at him in confusion. She wasn't sure if he meant she was alive or if he was implying something else altogether.
Nick smiled at her, but his smile was filled with sadness. "She didn't take her own life, Sar...someone killed her..." He didn't want to say it, but he knew that this piece of information would allow Sara to let go of her self doubt and her second guessing. What he hadn't banked on was that it wouldn't allow her to let go of her guilt; that seemed to double.
"She was murdered?" Sara felt sick all over again. She had never really liked Amy, but she couldn't be happy that she was dead, so why was she relieved that it was murder? She felt as if her mind was twisting inward and that the ghost of her father was seeking out her soul for some kind of sick torture for feeling something akin to the relief she felt when her mother finally stopped her father's cycle of abuse permanently. Amy was nothing like her father, and she felt guilty as hell for feeling like this.
"Yeah..." Nick nodded taking note that Sara seemed to be withdrawing inwardly. "I haven't seen it yet...Grissom said it was evidence...but if she didn't kill herself...how could that letter Warrick mentioned be hers?"
"Yeah...good point." Sara felt numb. Normally she was able to kick into CSI mode and block out anything in her personal life. This time, her personal life was being affected by what was going on at CSI; Nick's ex-girlfriend was the hot case.
Nick furrowed his brow in concern and reached out to caress her cheek. "Sara, what's wrong?" He looked at her intently knowing that something was definitely going on in her mind, but unsure of how to reach her.
"Uh...I...I'm fine." She knew he wasn't going to buy it. She wasn't fine. Amy was dead, someone wanted it to look like suicide and she had a sinking feeling that Nick was in for another rollercoaster ride.
"Sara." Nick's tone clearly implied that he wasn't going to take her answer at face value. He knew her far better than that and this time he was going to push. He didn't want this to become a wedge between them, and he knew that it could very quickly if he let it.
Sara looked up at him ready to protest and then locked eyes with him. She let out a resigned sigh and felt her throat tightening a little. "I'm sorry she's dead...but part of me isn't and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking that." A tear slipped down her cheek. "I feel guilty for being jealous of her...for thinking that if she hadn't dumped you that we might not be together...that you might still be with her...that whoever killed her maybe wanted you to take her back...and I got in the way. If it wasn't for me she might still be alive." Sara choked out a sob as Nick just stood there processing what she'd just said.
Nick pulled her against him and held onto her, peppering kisses against her hair. "Sara, you aren't responsible for what happened to Amy and you're not responsible for what your mom did to your dad." For some reason his gut told him this had nothing to do with Amy and everything to do with her family.
Sara buried her face in his chest, melting against him as she let the tears flow. "I should have stopped her, but I didn't...I just wanted him to stop hurting us." She knew that it was irrational, that her mother had made her own choice, a choice that would continue to affect them for the rest of their lives.
"He can't hurt you anymore...but it's ok to love him, Sar." Nick just held her for a long time until she seemed to pull herself together.
As she stepped away, she let out an embarrassed laugh and wiped at her tears. "I'm sorry...the last few days have just been overwhelming. I just wish things could be normal."
"I know what you mean." Nick was tired. He wasn't sure he could just let things get back to normal. He wasn't even sure what normal was anymore. He reached over and caressed her cheek, leaning in to softly kiss her.
Sara stood up straight trying to shake off her emotions knowing that it was going to be a tough shift no matter what kind of case she ended up working. "I guess we should get inside...Grissom's going to wonder where we are."
Nick smiled at her tenderly. "I'm sure he'll understand..." His brow furrowed. "I need to give him and Catherine some information..."
Sara nodded. "Yeah..." She was suddenly exhausted.
"Hey, I'm here..." He wasn't sure how to reassure her, how to reassure himself really.
"I know." Sara leaned up and kissed him. "Let's just go in, ok?" She slid her hand into his and they walked back into the lab together, garnering more strength from each other than either one of them had alone.
By the time Nick made his way back to Grissom's office, he had pulled himself together and he was ready to give him any information he might have that would give them a solid lead to find Amy's killer. He really thought he'd known his friend John; thought he was the kind of guy that might steal your girl but not the kind of guy that would kill, now he wasn't sure. But there was one nagging question that didn't really line up with this theory. The why. There had to be a motive for trying to make it look like suicide and he just didn't see one. John would just move on to the next girl; he had no trouble leaving a string of broken hearts. Nick was convinced that while John was definitely a player he wasn't a killer. But at the moment, John was the only viable suspect besides Nick; and Nick had a solid verifiable alibi in Sara.
Nick was worn out; he didn't have the mental energy to focus on another case and because of how close he was to Amy's he couldn't work hers. He found himself just sitting on the bench in the locker room, his face in his hands as he considered where his life was going and just what he wanted. Everything seemed to be in upheaval and in the midst of it all he was trying to forge a romantic relationship with Sara and obstacles seemed to be everywhere. He felt a sudden urge to just get up and go home.
Halfway to his Denali, his cell phone rang at his belt. He pulled it off and glanced at the caller ID, a tired smile tugging at his lips as he answered the phone. "Hey, dad." He stopped in the middle of the parking lot, his head sagging as he let out a resigned sigh. "Actually, it's been a pretty crappy day...more like shitty really." He exhaled loudly. "I don't really feel like talking about it right now...I was just thinking that I wanted to go home."
As he listened to his father try and offer him words of encouragement, somehow knowing about what had happened to Amy; Nick reasoned that either Grissom or Catherine had called his parents to fill them in. Nick finally interrupted his dad. "Cisco...I just wanna come home for a while...is it ok if I come home?"