Self Indulgence

Disclaimer: I own no person, place or thing that you recognize. Persona's are property of Vince McMahon and the WWE. People own themselves, I'm just borrowing them for a torture session called: fan fiction.

Spoilers: Yeah okay…whatever.

Rating: R- For explicit content and language

Summary: Things aren't always as perfect as they seem…

Notes: All applicable notes are in the first chapter, entitled Guilty Pleasures.

………………………………...

In all truth, she wasn't expecting for him to show up that night. In fact, the redheaded Diva had gone out of her way to avoid him the rest of the night. It wasn't hard really, she just stuck to her locker room and the company of Victoria, Chris Jericho, Shane Helms and Chris Benoit. Separately, they were concerned for her…but between the four of them; only one really knew the reason behind her apparent distress. Shane had spent the better half of the last hour of the night cracking lame jokes to the two Diva's, while Chris and Chris merely voiced their moral support for the redhead if it was needed at a later time. And the greatest surprise of the night, before she left the arena anyway, Christian had stopped by…simply to wish Lita a happy Valentine's Day. To say the least, she had been nothing short of shocked, Christian was the last person the redheaded Diva had expected to hear those words from. Well, maybe not the last person…but certainly one of the most unexpected. All in all, the rest of the night was a numb blur for the Queen of Extreme, Lita all but ready to just call it a night.

She had humored Chris Jericho, Victoria and Shawn Michaels…joining them for an anti-Valentine's Day dinner at the hotel's restaurant. That went well, although the redhead offered little to the conversation; it at least got her mind off of things. Chris and Shawn questioned the redhead's somber mood outright, while Victoria opted to save her questions for a later time. The raven haired Diva was well aware as to what was causing Lita such grief, but she also knew that the redhead wasn't about to admit to anytime soon. And it was that fact, that puzzled and upset the raven haired Diva more than anything. Before they had left for dinner, Lillian had consulted with Victoria; requesting that the raven haired Diva try and get Lita to open up a bit. Victoria of course, remained doubtful about that..but she at least humored the petite blonde ring announcer; stating that they could always corner the redhead over room service later. That had subdued Lillian's concerns for the time being…and after that was out of the way; she went on her own Valentine's double date. She left out the names of the other two, not that it would've concerned the raven haired Diva, but since Lita wasn't far off…the blonde ring announcer figured it would only put a further damper on the evening.

It was when they returned from their respective anti and pro Valentine's Day celebrations, did Lillian and Victoria find the opportunity to corner the redhead.

"Alright," Lillian began, neatly spooning a mouthful of her ice cream sundae. "Li, come on..talk, what's going on?"

The redheaded Diva expelled a patient sigh, "Do we really have to talk about this?"

Victoria raised a brow, shaking her spoon admonishingly. "You've been avoiding this for months now Li, so talk."

Lita frowned, setting her spoon down. "What do y'all wanna' know that y'all don't already know?"

Victoria exchanged a look with Lillian, spooning a mouthful of her sundae. "Well, for starters…how come you haven't told him how you feel?'

The redhead sent the raven haired Diva a disbelieving look, "Who said I feel anything? I told y'all from the beginning…it's only a no strings attached deal. I needed someone, he needed someone…"

"Bullshit Li," Victoria shook her head, "It may have started out like that, this whole…fuck buddies deal…which by the way, I can't believe you consented to in the first place-"

"And why's that?" Lita raised a brow, "Men do it all the time, who says a woman can't do the same?"

The raven haired Diva raised a skeptical brow, but opted not to question that part. "I think I would be able to tell by now…I mean, the way you two look at each other and-"

"Lust, Vi..that's all it is, believe me." Lita's lips pressed into a thin line. "It's nothing more than a physical attraction."

Victoria just shook her head, "Li…I can understand that you don't want to get hurt, but by not telling him…by not admitting this to yourself? You're only hurting yourself in the process."

"Say what you will Vi, but there's nothing there." The redhead shrugged indifferently, pushing her sundae aside. "And on the off chance that I do have 'feelings' for him…who's to say their mutual?"

"Have you asked?" Victoria queried then, "Or are the two of you just so blind, that you can't see what's so blatantly in front of you."

Lita rolled her eyes, "Enlighten me then, Dr. Phil…what is it that's so blatant?"

Victoria stuck out her tongue, "Well it would take a blind man not to notice the obvious sexual tension when the two of you are in the same room…but let me ask you something, do you miss him when he's not around? Are you jealous that he's with someone else?"

"I'm not jealous," Lita stated defiantly, a hand reaching back to gather crimson locks into a ponytail. "And I don't miss him…I'm perfectly fine with how things were and I'll be perfectly fine when this whole mess just disappears."

"Then what drew you to him in the first place, hmm?" Victoria set aside her near empty sundae dish. "Because, honestly Li, I never would've thought you'd be the type to just jump into a purely physical relationship."

The redhead bristled, "It's not a relationship and it never has been one, so I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that term out of this discussion."

"You know what I meant Li," Victoria's scooted closer on the bed to the redhead. "So, just answer the question…what was it that attracted you to him in the first place and what made you stay? You claimed from the get go, that it was only supposed to be a one night stand but-"

"He's a fine specimen Vi, are you blind? Granted yeah, that ego of his got in the way in the beginning…but he's got to be one of the best-"

"Drop the damn mask." Victoria commanded gently, "We're you're friends Li, we aren't gonna judge you."

Lita hesitated a moment, "What drew me to him in the first place? To tell you the honest truth, I'm not sure. We just ran into each other at the bar…I just wanted to get drunk and he happened to be there."

"Fair enough," Victoria conceded, "But what made you stick with it? Why have I seen him leaving your hotel room late at night, why..when I've called your house, I've heard you talking to him in the background."

"I don't know Vi…" Lita admitted evenly, laying back on the bed. "It just…it happened once, then it happened again…one thing just lead to another and-"

"And then you started falling for him?" Victoria supplied hesitantly, "So, why can't you just tell him that? Why didn't you tell him that?"

Lita frowned, "Because it's not that easy Vi…I don't want a relationship, not after all the shit that I've been through with Matt…I just wanted something different."

Victoria exchanged a glance with Lillian, the two recalling the many nights that they had sat up with the redheaded Diva. "But, in a sense…it's the same scenario."

Lita shrugged awkwardly, tucking her hands beneath her head. "I guess…but what good would it be now? He's with someone else, that's all there is to it."

"So, you're just going to let go?" Victoria shook her head. "Now that isn't anything like the Lita I know."

"Then what am I supposed to do, huh? Just go over to his hotel room and announce these 'feelings'?" Lita snorted, "I don't think so Vi."

"I'm not suggesting that," Victoria replied crisply, a frustrated sigh escaping her. "Just that, you'll feel a hell of a lot better if you actually talk to him about it. I'm not saying that anything has to develop out of it, but at least talk to him."

"I don't-"

"Why are you so afraid to take one little chance?" Victoria pushed up from the bed, raking a hand through her hair. "Look Li, I know you don't want to get hurt, but you'll just be kicking yourself if you don't take the chance and at least tell him how you feel."

Lita sighed, her eyes fluttering shut. "I'll think about it."

Victoria shook her head, gesturing for Lillian to join her. "If you don't…then I will, and I can promise you I won't be subtle about it."

"Fine fine, do what you will alright?" Lita turned her face to the headboard. "I just want to be alone right now."

Victoria paused at the door, indicating for Lillian to go first. "Just think about what I said…think about how you really feel. Because I know he will show up at some point and tomorrow? I'll probably be back here rehashing this issue because you're too afraid to take a chance."

The raven haired Diva exited the hotel room then, the door shutting behind her with a soft click. And for her part, the redheaded Diva stared at the abstract lines and patterns on the wooden headboard. She knew that Victoria meant well, and honestly…her words of wisdom were sinking in. But, the redhead still remained firm in her decision…to just ignore the feelings that she harbored for the Legend Killer. In time, it would just become a fleeting memory…another mark in her life and that was it. Even in her mind though, the thought seemed fruitless.

…………

The ringing of her cell phone on the nightstand shook the Diva from her thoughts. And thankful as she was for the distraction, she couldn't help but shake the sinking feeling that it was Randy calling. As she checked the display panel though, her thoughts were in vain; a sigh of relief escaping her as she pressed the talk button on the dimly lit key panel.

"Happy Valentine's Day…"

The redhead smiled in spite of it all, "Happy Valentine's Day Matt.."

"Look, I uh…I know we ain't exactly on the best of terms or whatever…but I-"

"Who asked you to call?"

"Chris." Matt Hardy admitted then, "He's worried about you Red."

"Then I'll tell you the same thing I told Victoria and Lillian…" The redheaded Diva sighed, "There's nothing wrong, so don't waste your time worrying."

"Listen Li, Chris wouldn't just up an' call me if there wasn't something to be concerned over." Lita could just see the frown on the elder Hardy brother's face. "So come on, tell me what's up.."

"Like I said Matt, there's nothing wrong."

"Li, please don't lie to me.."

"Matt.." Lita paused, debating if she should launch into the whole distorted tale. "Let's just say…I've gotten myself into a pretty tricky situation."

Matt paused, "Is someone hurtin' you? Did someone hurt you?"

"Only myself Matt."

"Then what's goin' on Li-Li?"

"Matt, I really don't want to get into right now, okay?" Lita shook her head, glancing to the alarm clock. "I promise you though, I'll tell you all about it when I get back to Sanford…you an' Jeff."

"I'm holdin' you to that darlin'…" Matt trailed off then, an audible sigh on his end of things. "You jus' take care of yourself, ya hear?"

"I'll try my best Matt." Lita smiled shakily, "Sleep tight, okay?"

"You do the same baby girl."

Lita nodded at the phone, ending the conversation then. She made a mental note to consult with a certain blonde Canadian later…but that would have to wait. She wouldn't deny it, she was expecting for him to show up…even if she had tried to deny it earlier. It was just how things operated between them. Like clockwork, he didn't disappoint. A sharp knock to her bedroom door, followed by a moment of silence..and one more knock. The redhead had half a mind to just leave him in the hallway, but the logical part of her knew that they couldn't carry on any sort of discussion in that manner. It would only draw suspicion after all.

"You've been ignoring me." He stated as soon as the door opened.

"You're sharp aren't you?" The redhead deadpanned evenly, opening the door a fraction more. "What do you want?"

"Can you just let me in please?" He set a foot over the threshold, "I just want to talk."

"That's what they all say," Lita murmured quietly as she opened the door wider. "Just shut the door behind you."

Randy shrugged out of his suit jacket as he walked into the hotel room, closing the door behind him per her request. "Why were you ignoring me?"

"And here I thought you still had some sense," The redhead rolled her eyes, flopping unceremoniously on the bed. "Why do you think?"

"Why are you trying to put a wedge between us now?"

"Because it should've happened a long time ago Randy." Lita expelled a tired sigh, "It's gone too far…and it never should've gone this far."

Randy raked a hand over his hair, settling on the edge of the bed. "So, why couldn't you have done this earlier then? Why are you waiting until now?"

"Because you're with her."

"I wasn't with her two months ago, was I? I wasn't with her three months ago…you could've ended it then."

Lita shrugged indifferently, scooting so she was resting against the headboard. "I needed some fulfillment, you were there."

Randy gritted his teeth, shaking his head at the Diva. "So you couldn't have gotten that elsewhere?"

She remained distant, "How do you know I didn't?"

He turned so he was facing her fully, one leg tucked while the other was resting outwards. "Because every time I wasn't at home? I was with you."

"And…? What does that prove?" the Diva shook her head, "Doesn't prove shit Randy, you weren't with me all the time, and unless you planted cameras at my house?"

"Why are you being such a cold hearted bitch?" He raised a brow at the redhead, "Usually, I can talk to you about almost anything."

"Since when have we actually sat down and talked, hmm?" She rolled her eyes, waving it off dismissively. "All we've done…since this whole thing started mind you, is fucked until all hours of the night."

"That's a lie." Randy remained defiant, "We've talked plenty Li and-"

"I asked you earlier, not to call me Li…that still stands."

He moved closer to her, causing the redhead to pull her knees to her chest. "Then I'll ask again, why are you being such a cold hearted bitch?"

"Life's a bitch Randy, deal with it."

"You know something Lita, I'll admit…when this first started…? I never expected for it to go this far." Randy shrugged, blue eyes staring intently at her. "Matter of fact, I just figured great…I could say that at one point in time, we had a one night stand. But it grew to more than that, and now I wonder why."

"Keep wondering then," Lita turned her face, resting her cheek on her knees. "I honestly don't know why you bothered to show up, cuz you ain't getting any."

Randy grimaced, "And how are you so sure that's why I'm here, huh? I wanted to talk to you about us."

"There is no us." Lita stated firmly, "There never was an us, and there never will be an us, so just get over that."

"Then why did you let me in?"

"Because if we had this discussion with you standing in the hallway?" The redhead snorted, "Yeah, that'd go over really well I'm sure. I could just imagine if someone walked down this hallway to hear that."

"And if someone notices me leaving? Then what, huh?"

"Then whatever Randy.." Lita's shoulders lifted marginally in a shrug, "Do you have a reason for being here? Because you're really starting to get on my nerves."

"I'm not leaving this hotel room until you look at me and talk to me, Lita." Randy rested a hand tentatively on her shoulder. "Give me that, and I'll leave."

"You ask for too much."

Randy shook his head, his hand running over her hair to the ponytail holder. "You give yourself to me willingly, and yet…you can't face me and talk to me…?"

Lita steeled herself, turning her face hesitantly, her chin coming to rest on her knees. "Happy now?"

"Can you just, drop this damn façade and talk to me?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but we've been talking for a good ten minutes now." Lita smirked, "That's a record I think."

He released her hair from the confines of the ponytail, his fingers threading through her fiery locks. "I've told you already what I'll do, and you say you don't want that…"

"That hasn't changed." The Diva's eyes closed, her shoulders lifting in a shrug. "So don't bother-"

"Then what do you want?"

"It doesn't matter Randy, so just forget about it…"

Randy shook his head, the back of his hand caressing her cheek. "Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because it doesn't." She stated half heartedly, "That's reason enough."

"I asked you to talk to me and look at me." Randy stated firmly, the pad of his thumb grazing over her cheekbone. "Look at me."

The redhead hesitated a moment, distant hazel orbs finally locking with probing blue. "I just want to be happy."

"That doesn't answer the question…what do you really want?"

The Diva fell silent, not trusting her voice at that moment. She could feel her heart pounding in her ears, trying in vain to ignore the emotions carousing through her at the mere touch of his hand. She wanted him. That was simple enough to answer, but he was already with someone else. It didn't matter that he had told her, he wanted her. It didn't matter that he was seemingly willing to leave what he already had. She had what she wanted right in front of her..but she couldn't find it in herself to answer.

Now just wasn't the time.

………………………..

Review Responses:

Latisha C.: Well, hmm…yeah I guess, it isn't just your imagination but it's my favorite pairing as of late (and to be quite honest…one of my top favorite pairings). I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for the review!

Xokittyjunox: Thank you! To be perfectly honest, I have half a mind to change the ending…but I'm not entirely sure yet…lol. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for the review!

Iaera: Thank you! I know this chapter may have seemed bland in comparison to the previous, but eh…it had to be written. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for the review!

Myth: lol, angst and drama go hand in hand I think. It's funny though, it's almost like I'm torturing myself…I am a hopeless romantic and love to see the nice happy endings, but eh..that's too bland..lol. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for the review!

Megan: Thank you! I hope this chapter didn't disappoint and thank you for the review!

Viper-sa: Thank you! In whole hearted agreement about Randy…:dreamy sigh: I hope this chapter didn't disappoint and thank you for the review!

CNIMBWM: lol, yup…the box opened alright. Maybe I should padlock it next time :wink: I hope this chapter didn't disappoint and thank you for the review!

Free-vibe: :taps fingers together ala Mr. Burns: What indeed eh? She'll get it sorted out…eventually anyway. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for the review!

Author Babble: Okay so, this isn't exactly a -short- series, but it won't be a long series either…I'm hoping to wrap this up within a few chapters…just for the fact that I have other ideas that are itching to be written…anywhoot, I hope you'll stick with this until it's done. Thank you in advance to any reviewers!