CHAPTER NINE: Physical Presence

PART ONE…It's Only Human Nature …

"Excuse me for a sec." Breaking the warm pause, Vash dropped Meryl's hand back into her lap and went to offer some of the left over wine bottles to a triad of guests. As they finished their move for the door, they cast tired goodbyes and thanks and left a quieter room. Vash looked about – now only the two professors cooing on the couch remained.

Meryl, still seated, suddenly blushed self-consciously. She wondered what she looked like and stood abruptly. As she brushed past Vash to visit the adjoining restroom, she mumbled, "Back in a moment."

Nodding, Vash surveyed the cluttered room and decided to tidy up the place, lest they be overcharged for cleaning. He did so only on his side of the room, careful not to disturb his friends. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw them sneak a kiss. Deborah went for a second, which lasted much longer. How wonderful, Vash thought. They'll make a great couple.

After a few more kisses and stifled giggling, the professors left the couch. Still glowing with happiness, they hurried to say goodbye to Vash and tell him to congratulate his wife again. Vash stifled his own giggles as they left, arm in arm, and sighed when they'd gone. He returned to moving the furniture back to the walls, but the trash would take at least another hour to clean up.

When Meryl stepped from the restroom, she saw Vash cleaning and joined his task. She didn't speak as they worked. Only after they'd collapsed onto a long couch, the room spotless, did she try to continue their conversation.

"So, where were we?" she asked. "Life experiences…starry skies…memory…?"

"Um." Vash scratched his head and smiled. "'Member that time you and Millie decided to help the old couple guard their land, and you wouldn't let me help?"

Meryl nodded, smiling. "The trouble over the trees. Those Nebraska people sure were messed up. Millie had such spirit. You should've been there; sorry I wouldn't let you help."

Vash grinned goofily. "How did you get out of that one again?"

"Like I said, I don't know how, but one Derringer shot…It was weird, but I guess my aim was just really accurate that day."

Sniggering, Vash nodded.

"What's so funny?" Meryl demanded.

Vash shook his head, breaking into a hearty, high-pitched laugh.

Crossing her arms, Meryl huffed. "You freak."

A hurt expression softened Vash's outburst. "You think I'm a freak?" he whined.

Meryl slapped him on the back, playfully, dismissing the thought. She found herself laughing as well, and Vash joined her.

"So you ran over his foot!?" Vash asked incredulously, between giggles.

Meryl shrugged. "I was in a jeep, his foot was right there to run over. What other choice did I have? You just don't insult a girl's haircut. It's a rule."

Vash wiped away a tear. "Such a sweet thing you were."

"Still am!" she corrected, batting her eyes in a false display of femininity. She laughed lightly, falling back against the couch cushions.

Attempting a more authoritative, somber expression, Vash lifted a finger in the air. "But you know, I don't think the situation called for such violence. You know, he probably still has trouble walking, or has deformed toes, or something…Anyhow, the point is-"

"Love and Peace! Right?" Meryl interrupted, breaking out into a new peal of laughter. "Nah, his boots were sturdy; the toes healed up in two weeks. Lighten up!" she added, beaming, dropping one hand on Vash's knee casually. She settled back again, calming her laughter. "Always with the 'Love and Peace.'" The hand remained where she'd placed it.

Vash fought a blush and tried not to look at her hand on his knee. He hoped it would go away. Not really though. But…No, he just wasn't sure what he wanted. So, he waited.

Meryl examined his expression from the corner of her eye and frowned. "Sorry," she mumbled. Lifting her hand, she set it between them on the couch.

"It's okay," he said dismissively.

"Is it?" she asked softly, calmly. She waited, and heard no answer. "There's the chance, you know; right here, right now."

"Is there…" he said weakly. Vash cleared his throat. His neck felt itchy all of the sudden.

Meryl folded her hands in her lap. "Listen, I'm not drunk or anything. I'm in my right mind. I know it makes me sound pathetic and desperate, but really, I've been thinking about this, and I don't feel bad about it. I'm still young, and you'll always be; you're not going to have a monogamous life; it's impossible, and I'm being true to my heart by…well…just think about it. I've always cared about you, and I'd kick myself forever if I didn't put it out there like this, at least once. Considering our 'situations' we can just write it off as history and move on completely…after…" Her voice became softer and quieter until it trailed off into a whisper as she spoke. "It's…just…before I'm wrinkly. Before I lose you forever…"

Vash swallowed hard and wrinkled his forehead. He looked over into Meryl's face and met her eyes. For a long moment he studied her face. What she'd said made sense to him, whether or not he'd wanted it to.

She fought the quiver in her lip by biting it. "Say something," she demanded quietly.

The battle raged in Vash's mind. It was a war between several conflicting sides – his morality, telling him that he should think of no other woman than the mother of his child; his body, urging him to jump at the chance to be intimate with an attractive, kind-hearted woman; his compassion, wishing to make everyone happy if possible; and his guilt, reminding him that he had turned her away so many times before and that it was only for selfish reasons that he should turn her away again. He hated to see someone hurt. Meryl's eyes betrayed her pain. Vash wanted more than everything to make that pain go away, but at what expense?

"Forget it. I don't want pity. Looks like that's what you'd consider it. Pity," she mumbled, keeping her gaze fixed on him as a tear or two rolled from their blinking eyes. "It all seems logical in my head, but I guess aloud it's silly." Her posture straightened as she rubbed her wet eyes with fists. She forced herself to regain her composure and control the tide of emotion. "Dammit, Vash. I always try to figure out how to make life happy for people I care about, but I'm always wrong. I'm confusing selfishness for concern, aren't I? I'm rationalizing it. Yep. Yeah, silly me. Right. Dear God, let's not talk about this ever again. Goodnight, Vash."

As she stood to leave, Vash grabbed her arm in a gesture that led her to sit again. "Don't think like that, okay? You're really hard on yourself, Meryl. You're not completely wrong. Listen, I don't know either. Really, I'm flattered and I'm not sure what to say to that. So…um…can I think about this and then tell you something? I want to come to a conclusion. I won't have you walking away, beating yourself up just because I can't say anything in response. Okay? You're a fantastic person, and I love you so much, but since I love a lot of people I guess that doesn't say much. Um, I need to be mature and think about what kind of love I feel about you. I want to do the right thing. It's complicated, you know?"

Meryl nodded solemnly. "I know."

"Promise you won't save yourself for me or anything extreme like that, okay? You do what you believe is right. Nothing else. Follow your gut."

"Okay, I'll do my best. Right. But you and decisions – your track record on deciding is really shoddy. It took you 150 years to decide what to do with Knives."

Vash chuckled lightly. "Yeah. I'll try to be more time-efficient with you. The moment it hits me, the right thing, and I'll know I promise, I'll tell you. Just, um…Until then, let's continue being friends. You're such a good friend to me. And to Tessla. We have to be adults, and I don't want to lose the 'real' Meryl. You get me?"

Meryl nodded, sniffling. She stood again and walked more calmly to the door. Waving behind her, she made the long walk home, hoping she could hide her emotional condition from the ever-observant Millie. Something told her, however, that Millie would understand.

Vash, on the other hand, waited a few moments and began to weep into his hands until it became quite late. He didn't want to tip Vanessa off. Tessla needed stability, he reminded himself, as he dried his tears.