Diary of Joseph the Cucco

Seventh year, fourth day of King Ganondorfs reign

Location: Some schmo's grave

Previously, on Cucco Diaries…

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty and witty and ga – Hey! Kids!"

"Wierdo."

06:40 Upon entering the grave, we found its owner singing. A very frightening and disturbing song. One we never want to hear again. Especially when sang by a grown man like him.

"Hola. ¿Querría usted desafiarme a una carrera? ¿Con un hookshot maravilloso y brillante como un premio? " (1)

"¡Sí, Señor!" Sylvia answered.

"You speak Spanish?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Joseph."

"¡Fantástico!" The ghost of Dampe yelled.

"What'd he say?" Mike asked.

"Race him, Link!" Sylvia urged.
07:00 Link came back soon, and waved his prize in Sylvia's face.

"That is the last thing I do for you again!" He raged. "I got burnt, bruised and attacked by rabid pitbulls!"
"I understand the burns and bruises, but where did the pitbulls come from?" Sylvia stammered.

"Why, you!" Link yelled. "I'll – I'll.. I'll.."

"Stutter her?" I suggested.

"Witty, Joseph." Richard said dryly. "Witty."

"Yeah, well." Link muttered. "Lets go save Saria."

8:20 Heading to the Forest Temple, we realised Ganondorf was a pretty bad guy. But it wasn't his fault. The poor soul had probably got bullied rotten with his clashing hair. Sylvia now believes that it doesn't clash, it "contrasts." She's a strange girl.

8:40 We arrive. I decide I don't like the the temple much. After dragging ourselves through a maze of moblins (Link learned to use the hookshot a little to late..), who should up but Womanly Man.

"The flow of time is always cruel..

Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it..

A thing that doesn't change with time...

Is a memory of younger days…"

"What does this all mean, exactly?" Link asked.

"In order to return here again..

Play the Minuet of Forest…"

"Erm.. Okay."

9:00 After several attempts, Link managed.

"I will go now.." Sheik said, stepping back into the shadows. "Just pretend I'm not here."

We knew the drill by now.

Link took out his hookshot, aimed for a bit, and then finally set it out for a bit sticking out of the wall. What came next was unlucky, but it made getting into the temple a hell of a lot easier for us. At first a few stones fell out of a wall, then it was followed by a deep rumble from the temple, causing the whole half of it to cave in, most of the rubble stopped just at our feet.
"Well," Link said, shrugging and beginning to climb up it. "Lets go."
When we got inside, we witnessed a bunch of poes stealing the lights.

"Oh no!" Sylvia screamed. "It's a daylight robbery!"
"Ick. Bad pun." Link said. "I'm going to go get the lights back. You lot wait here."

After a few minutes, Sylvia spoke.
"Mike.. Shouldn't we do something to pass the time? Like singing or something?"
"I think singing or something sounds like an excellent idea!" Joseph added.

"Crawler.." Richard mumbled.

"Okay! So lets sing!"
"…"

"Does anyone know HOW to sing?"

"Um.. oh!"
"What!"
"I know one!" Sylvia called out.

"So sing it."
"Ahem.

Ah'm a cat, ah'm a cat, ah'm a Glesca cat,

'N' ma name is Sam the skull…"

12:00 Seeing as that's the only song we knew, we went through it several times. Link came back on around the seventh rendition of it.

"Ah ken it may soon' absurd,

But ah'm livin whea a burd,

In a sing-el end in Mary'ill…

Ah'm a cat, ah'm a cat, ah'm a Glesca cat,
'N' ma name is Sam The Skull.
Ah've got claws on ma paws like crocodile's jaws
And a heid like a fermer's bull.

Ah'm not the kind of cat that sat on the mat
Or even by the fireside rug.
Ah'm the kind of cat that malkies rats

And eats the occasional dug."

"What are you doing?" Link snapped.

"Yeah, maybe we should sing a different song.." Sylvia admitted.

"Ooh! I remembered one!" Mike shouted.

"Sing it!" I urged excitedly.

"Ooooh..

There's bin a merder in the chip shoap,

Wer a wee dug steal a haddie bone,

And inother dig tried tae take it aff it,

So ah hit it wae a tattie scone.."

Link groaned. This would be a long day.

An: There's a story behind this one. You see, my friend and I weren't allowed to celebrate Burns' day, so we agreed to celebrate it in the middle of the summer instead. Happy late Burns' Day, everyone! May your days be poetic and joyful!

If you're wondering, Glesca is Glasgow.

Thanks to the reviewers! Whom I cannot reply to right now.. Grumbles.