Abduction at Mulders
Bright lights start to flash out side Mulders window. The wall is ripped off and they see the ramp of a space ship with aliens walking down. They all stare.
X sees a feeble alien walking down the ramp and says "Grandma?"
The alien is indignant and says "Grandma! Don't you know your own aunt!"
"Sorry Auntie."
Ex is cross "What are you doing here?"
One alien walks to the front and explains "Well, we where in the Christmas spirit and wanted to have a nice abduction, but we couldn't decide who to abduct, so we just came over to Mulders to find someone."
"So is that what you do all the time." Says Mulder as he tightens he grip on little Samantha.
"Yes we like your friends."
A different alien comes forth and says "Wow look at all the abductees we have here!"
"Yes, but we mustn't take them all."
"No, can't be greedy."
Cigarette Smoking Man starts rummaging in the kitchen, and finds a pot roast. At which Krychek pulls out an ice pick and threatens him. Mulder looks at the two.
"Hey, I thought you were going to reform?" he says to Krychek.
"No, I was going to reform after new years," Krychek gives him an evil smile. "It's not new years yet."
One of the aliens orders Smoking Man to step away from the pot roast, another one hushes him, but he insists on explaining himself.
"They must not find out that the secret to protecting one self from abduction is to eat an entire pot roast before bed!" The alien stamps the floor insistently.
His stupidity makes the other alien extremely mad so that he hits him in the head with an ice pick.
"To bad Duane Berry didn't know that." Says little Samantha.
Scully suddenly looks confused "Mulder? You have a pot roast?"
"Everyone has a pot roast on Christmas!" says the brunet cheerfully.
"I didn't have a pot roast for Christmas." says Eugene with a smile.
Cigarette Smoking Man is still clutching the pot roast and Krychek the ice pick.
"You fool ice picks don't work on humans!"
Krychek smiles "Exactly."
Smoking Man hands over the pot roast and Krychek hands it to the aliens.
Mulder looks up astonished "So that's why you always mutilate cows!"
The aliens smile "Dense aren't you? Soon we will have destroyed the entire meat supply, and there will be no stopping us."
"But we need your help." says another alien.
"Come we will take you to Australia, where the really dangerous pot roast is."
They all venture on to the space ship
An alien steps forward "Hello I will be your guide for this trip. Now please take off all your clothes and fasten yourselves to the cold metal tables." The alien laughs "Just kidding."
Lights flash.
Once on the ship and every one is comfortable Mulder begins to wonder.
"Why do you think we will help you?"
"Oh we know you will help us." says one of the aliens confidently. "Now that you know our little secret we must either kill you or let you help. Our original plan was to poison and the cows by infiltrating the plant that makes this." The ugly little alien holds up a bag of 'Big Cow' and says "That worked for a wile, but then the people noticed that 'Big Cow' sounded stupid and stopped buying the stuff and started buying…" holds up a bag of 'Bovine Maximizer' he continues "So we poisoned that, and after all that trouble do you know what we find out? The cows in Australia eat grass! Can you believe that! And as grass is so good for the cows the pot roast is twice as effective. Now who in Reticula would want to go their whole life and never have an Australian abductee? Little Susie won't even have one. No in order to keep the peace we shall not let the Australian cows go free!"
A little dog runs up to Scully and whines.
"Queequeg? Is that you? I thought you were eaten?"
An alien laughs "That's not Queequeg that's a clone. We clone everything. In fact while you're up here you might as well meet your own clones."
Out come some nice new freshly pressed clones one Mulder, one Scully, one Skinner, one Cigarette Smoking Man, one Krychek, one Ex, one Eugene, one Brunet, two little Samantha's, and one Spender.
The little Samantha's run together and start to play. Everyone stares for a while. Then Cigarette Smoking Man says "You got that wrong, Spender is dead. I killed him myself, what would any one think if they saw him?"
"That's what I told them." says other Smoking Man.
Everyone stares. Then Scully walks up to Scully and says "Is that Queequeg?"
"Yes, and he's my dog."
"No he's my dog!"
First Mulder walks up to the Scully's "No it's not, that dog was eaten."
Second Mulder walks up to first "Leave Scully alone you clone!"
"I'm not the clone you are!"
Aliens begin to snicker. Spender comes up to first Smoking Man.
"You killed me?"
"Of course why would I want you when I have Mulder?"
Spender glares at the Mulders and goes to sulk in a corner. Second Ex yells at the aliens
"You made another Cigarette Smoking Man?"
The aliens shrug "Well to tell the truth we didn't know if the world could stand so much blatant evil, but…we just can't help ourselves."
Second Krychek starts to laugh at first "I have both my arms." They begin to fight.
Little Samantha's run up to Spender "Play with us!"
First Mulder grabs second Scully; second Mulder gets mad "Stay away from my Scully!"
"Your Scully? This is my Scully!" they start to fight.
Scully's get mad "STOP IT!" they yell. And each grabs a Mulder.
"Okay which one of you is the clone?" asks second Scully. They both point to each other.
"Aliens!" first Scully yells "Which one is the clone?"
Aliens look innocent "What do we know about it?" -After a little pause- "However we do have another Queequeg for you!"
Second Scully picks up the dog and finally looks contented.
Samantha's and Spender are in a circle "Ring around the rosy…"
Cigarette Smoking Men sneer "Finally Found some peers have you?" one of them says.
By now the Eugene's are very bored and ask an alien for some news papers; he leaves and quickly returns with ten years of back issues of 'Weakly News Daily'. On the cover are such interesting stories as 'How Martha Stuart Subjugated An Alien Race' (and you thought that was boring) the Eugene's promptly tear them up roll them in to balls spit on them and through them in the corner.
"Aaaah I think I broke my arm!" screams the second Krychek, after they have been fighting for some time.
An alien with machete in hand, quickly comes to tend on him.
The space ship slows down and starts to hover. An alien steps forward and says.
"Okay, we are finally in Australia, everybody out!"