Off to see the Gunmen
No one had noticed until now that Gunmen have entirely disappeared.
"Hey! Where did they go?" Mulder asks.
The big headed alien explains "Well they are so good at finding things that we thought we'd send them to find the great pot roast factory, and then we could suck it up in our space ship and be rid of it, and they did find it."
"You can't suck it up in your ship, you just burned it, you idiot." Cigarette Smoking men say.
"That's not the point!" the ugly little alien insists. "The point is that there are two of each of you and they found it! If I had known you guys where this stupid I never would have cloned you all!"
The alien hunters swing a particularly tight corner knocking the alien off his feet, and pull up to a creepy looking wear house. Out side there is a big headed alien waiting for them with a tee-shirt that says 'Make love, not war." on it. Every one gets out of the van and heads toward the creepy building.
They're big headed tour guide runs up to the one in the tee-shirt and gives him a big hug.
"Johnny! What are you doing here?" he says they continue waking into the wear house.
"I was looking for my little dog." says Johnny.
Queequeg's come running up to him and yap at his feet. Johnny is delighted and hefts one off the ground to pet it.
"My dogs!" he screeches happily.
This attracts the attention of both Scully's who run up to him and yell "He is my dog!"
The little alien tries to run away into the building with his Queequeg's but is pursued by an angry Scully, past all sorts of scary looking vats of light tan sludge stuff with reddish spots in it.
Every one else walks threw normally until they see some thing on the floor.
"What is it?" ask little Samantha's who get scared and hide behind Mulder.
Every one bends down to examine it closely.
"Fruit cake!" the brunet announces, picks it up and eats part of it, "I love fruit cake!"
At this the alien hunters look even more terrified then the little Samantha's, and begin to flee in terror. Just when they are making a brake for the door the Gunman jump them form behind, and wrestle them into the vats of fruit cake batter. A small glug is heard.
"What happened?" a confused Mulder asks.
The Gunmen walk back to them panting. Langley tries to explain "We discovered the secret flaw of the alien hunters."
"Fruit cake." Frohike filed in.
At this time every one hears a small scuffling sound and a faint cry. They turn and see Scully's walking back to them each petting a Queequeg.
"Hey guys, what happened?"
In walks a guy who apparently was supposed to be working there, and offers them beer, Eugene's and Skinner's accept.
"So your cohort'n with aliens are you?" he says.
"Is this really a fruit cake factory?" Mulder asks in disbelief.
"Yah, Mate, everybody wants fruit cake 'round Christmas."
Mulder can't take it, grabs the well meaning Aussie by the collar and screams "It's not Christmas!"
Krychek foreseeing the opportunity to pick a fight, tells him to leave of picking on poor the guy, they soon begin a violent argument, the Gunmen try to break it up but are them selves quite amused by this turn of events.
Scully's are not to happy about this new development and goes over to CSM.
"He works for you tell him to stop!"
"Not any more. Did you hear the traitor? He said he was going to reform! If he doesn't shape up soon I may give all of his inheritance to Mulder."
Scully takes a moment to think about this.
In the mean time the brunets have taken this opportunity to lecture the beer drinking Eugene's and Skinner's.
"Do you know what that will do to your liver? Not to mention there are little children present! If you two had half the responsibility of my aunt Edgar you would…"
"You know she's right!" CSM says as though he's just realized some thing "Spender don't look." He yells and, actually begins to roll on the floor laughing.
The brunet's are busy being shocked by this when a fruit cake hits them in the head, apparently the remaining aliens have gotten bored and are using there abilities enact the first documented telekinetic food fight.
"Ooow." they cry, Scully's watch, laughing.
Mulders and Krycheks who had just been preparing to hit each other, are them selves attacked with numerous flying fruit cakes.
The mysterious Aussie has just returned with three more packs of beer –all of his stores being very quickly drained by the, depressed looking, assistant directors, and the liver eating maniacs.
Immediately sensing the danger of the flying projectiles he quickly hides behind a vat of fruit cake batter, and is soon joined by Skinner's and Eugene's.
An over friendly Skinner beckons to Krychek and throws him a beer "Drink up Alex!" he says. Mulder is curious about this and joins him, soon followed by Scully. The brunet's scowl severely at this, but however only succeed in scarring Queequeg who runs to Skinner for comfort.
Mulder offers CSM a can of beer, which he accepts saying "Aren't trying to kill of your old man, are you?" Mulder looks innocent and Krychek smiles.
Mr. Ex gets angry at this and throws an empty beer can at him saying "Who are you calling his old man?"
Samantha's reach for some beer but can't get past Mulder. By now every one is on their way to intoxication except the brunets who are happily eating fruit cake.
Spender looks upset "Why doesn't any one ever fight over me?" he muses.
"Maybe because you're ugly." Krychek answers.
Langley feels sorry for him and says "You're not that ugly Dude, now he's ugly." He gestures to Frohike but accidentally hits Byers in the face, Byers cries out in pain and pulls Langley's hair, Langley retaliates a little too hard and knock Byers head into the wall, Byres appears unconscious. Gunmen go into hysterics and yell for Scully.
Scully quickly examines him mumbling things like "Hmmm, If I only had a scalpel." And "Good, he has a pulse on his ankle!"
After thoroughly examining him she at last declares that he will be perfectly fine he just needs more beer. She gives Langley a can to nurse him back to health.
Skinner's start in sing "Oh, show me the way to go home…" as he pours some beer on the ground for Queegueg's to lap up.
Mulder's continue and with him every one else "I'm tiered and I wan'ta go to bed…" the aliens like the song and try to join in when CSM hits them in the head with an ice pick, all the air born fruit cake fall to earth but every one is too drunk to notice.
"Oh, I had a little drink about an hour ago…" Mulder stops singing when he hears a strange gurgling noise, he looks over to see a decrepit CSM strangling poor Mr. Ex, Krychek gives a tire iron to Skinner who is trying to get up to finish off CSM wile he has the chance, he only succeeds in falling unceremoniously back to the floor.
"Stop fighting over my Mulder!" Scully yells at them both.
They both look up in wonder as though a brilliant revelation had just occurred to the both of them (Skinner has been looking this way for the last few minutes).
"He's your Mulder?" they both say in astonishment.
"Yes, all mine." Scully's says assertively.
"Well, if he's your Mulder I guess he can't be our Mulder." CSM says looking a little down trodden.
"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" says X trying to figure out what he just said.
"Hey that's not fair, why do I have to be somebody's? I am a person you know." Mulder protests, Cigarette Smoking Men laugh at this.
Queequeg's are playing with empty beer cans and whining for more, Skinner happily obliges them. The little dogs begin to wobble and have trouble standing up.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing, getting my dogs drunk?" says Scully in mock anger, as she cuddles them.
The Eugene's who where watching in disgust mutter "Rat dogs." It is then that they realize they're mistake, and flee in terror each clutching an alien liver, from the now armed Scully's.
"Yah, you better run!" they scream, and proceed to empty they're clips in the direction of the terrified villains.
"Did I hit them?" she asks Mulder, who is a little surprised by this out burst of violence.
"My ears hurt!" says a little Samantha who cuddles up to a very contented Mulder.
CSM's begin to swear profusely, Mulder covers Samantha's ears.
"What's wrong with you?" X asks irritated.
"Do you know how many evil plans I'm already late for? I'll never get caught up." Smoking men reply.
"I get that feeling a lot." says Krychek knowingly.
"You would." Mulder frowns.
"How are you going to get back?" asks Scully.
"The way I always do." He says, and disappears in a cloud of smoke.
"Wow, how's he do that?" ask the brunet's in wonder.
At this X's become agitated and peer around the room suspiciously, as if looking for demons to pop out of the fruit cakes.
"I'm not dieing for you Mulder." He says and runs out the back door.
The mysterious Australian studiously goes back to work making fruit cake, with little to no sign of intoxication.
Every one left, with the exception of the Gunmen who are still waiting for Byres to wake up, walk on out side to say their good byes.
"How are you going to get back" Mulder asks Krychek's.
"Oh, we're going to swim." They say.
"That's good." says Scully "It's always best to swim after heavy drinking."
With that Krychek's disappear into the ocean.
"I just thought of some thing." says Scully "We can't leave two psychopathic, liver eating monsters running lose in Australia."
"Why not?" Mulder asks.
"Hey can I take the hippy bus?" Spender interrupts.
"Yah, sure." say Mulder's and Scully's in unison.
Spender looks pleased and tares off squealing tiers, in the distance they can hear "Sunshine, on my shoulder makes me…"
By this time Scully has gotten quite attached to the little Samantha's. She bend's down and says "Hey, do you want to hold my Queequeg?"
The little girl instantly falls in love with the little dog, and starts to beam as she pets it; the other little girls do likewise.
"Oh, Scully can we please keep them?" Mulder begs.
Scully gives him a huge smile. Thus contented he turns his attention to the brunet women.
"What are you going to do?" he asks.
"Oh, me I think I'll just wait around here, to be abducted by aliens again." she says cheerily. Mulder is a bit disturbed by this. She continues "This really was a swell party Fox; I think I'll come to visit you again soon!"
Mulder was about to respond when Scully tugs on his sleeve pointing and staring at a ship, squinting he could make out the name it was the 'Queen Ann'.
"But that ship was lost in world war two." Both Scully's protest stamping their feet.
Mulder's shrugged "Let's go back on that."
Scully's gave up arguing and quickly forgot what was so wrong about the idea. As they walked off to the ship a line of Samantha's and Queequeg's trail behind them.
"Merry Christmas, honey." Scully says.