He wondered when he started to do it. When he started to categorize and prioritize and put things that he cared about in lists of descending and ascending order.
He thinks he started to do it when he came on board this ship, when the world ended, when he could no longer put abstract ideas and theories above living people.
He knows he never did it before he met either one of them.
Maybe he was just missing his brother, though he didn't think of Zak when he looked at Kara anymore.
Maybe he was just missing his mother, though the President was nothing like her.
He remembered catching himself the first time he did it.
Kara was gone, and he had gone crazy. Screaming, yelling, grabbing superior officers by their collars.
"Bad idea." Tigh had said. "If the CAP is out in the search when the Cylons come calling, we're maggot meat."
Lee winced, because he knew that he was right.
Down in the hangar deck, he could see the eyes staring at him, accusing. 'What makes her so gods damn special?' he knew they were asking.
He couldn't give them an answer, not one that they would understand. She just was.
"With all due respect, Captain, sometimes it is necessary for the safety and security of the fleet to-.."
"Not this time, Madam President."
Aviation fuel, broken down Vipers, the safety and security of the fleet. It wasn't that he didn't care about those things. He just didn't care about those things any more than he cared about her.
"But we don't need anything Valance, cause this isn't a trial. This is just you and us together in this room."
As he loaded the stealth gun he wondered why it didn't bother him that this was wrong, that this was unjust.
Starbuck knew the path he was going down. "Like Zarek pointed out, we're living in a whole new world, there's no due process. This is your courtroom."
He wondered if it was ethical, someone is his position of authority abusing and intimidating someone else.
But what if this man was trying to kill the President?
"And that would make us your executioners." He said cocking the gun.
It wasn't that he didn't care about ethics and abuse of power. He just didn't care about them any more than he cared about her.
"She's dangerous." His father had said. "If she could turn Starbuck against us, who knows what else she's capable of?"
As he went over his father and Colonel Tigh's plan, he knew that it was wrong, that they were crossing the line. She was the president and you couldn't just remove her from power because she had made a mistake. He knew that it would cause anarchy, and destroy any semblance of democracy that they had left. And yet he still told them the best way to take control of Colonial One. Because it was her fault. It was her fault that Kara had jumped away. She had manipulated and coerced and now Kara was gone. And he was alone, worried that she would die.
And it wasn't that he didn't care about preservation of democracy and checks and balances. He just didn't care about those things any more than he cared about her.
Yet forty minutes later there he was, on the verge. Staring at her as she stood behind her desk, as she stood before the Seal of the President.
He knew it was wrong. He knew the bridges that he would burn, they bonds that he would break.
This is mutiny. Your career will be ruined. Your father will never forgive you.
He knew all of these things, and yet he still held the gun to Tigh's head.
It wasn't that he didn't care about those things. He just didn't care about them any more than he cared about her.
But it had all been for nothing. He was in the brig and so was she. He knew he had to do something.
He visited his father and willed him to understand. Understand that the love he had for him didn't change just because he knew that his father had gone too far, willed him to understand that while his father was stronger and may be able to live with his betrayal, he wasn't sure that the President would live without his help.
As he walked back to the brig from sickbay, he caught so many eyes staring at him.
'What ever happened to loyalty, Apollo? To fidelity? What ever happened to honoring your father because he loves you?'
He lowered his head to hide from their stares.
It wasn't that he didn't care about those things that seemed so important from the other side of the bars. He just didn't care about those things any more than he cared about her.
Kara was back. She was real. He had heard her voice over the radio and soon he would see her face as she walked toward him across the room.
He saw her smile and he was lost.
He walked toward her and grabbed her, held onto her like she was the most precious thing he had ever possessed. Because she was.
And then he kissed her. She pulled back and he could see that she was surprised. He could see that she was wondering about fraternization and regulations and honoring the memories of the dead.
And she could tell that he was wondering if it was safe. Safe to let a sleaze like Zarek know that there was another woman that he had a weakness for.
And it wasn't that he didn't care about any of those things. He just didn't care about them any more than he cared about her.
He couldn't believe his gods damn ears. He couldn't believe that the President was actually considering listening to that thing.
It's a Cylon. It doesn't want to help us, help you. All it wants is to protect that freak in her womb.
Yet as he listened to the President as she explained her motives for trusting the Cylon, he saw the look of desperation in her eyes. She was going to be gone soon, and she would do just about anything to make sure that her people were safe and on the road to salvation before that happened.
So he stayed quiet. He wondered if she was being used. He wondered if she was being manipulated. But he saw the look of hope in her eyes and decided not to voice those concerns.
And it wasn't that he stopped caring about those concerns, he just didn't care about them any more than he cared about her.
He looked at the thing as it sat in the cell.
"You're all the same."
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about." It answered back.
"Then maybe I'm done talking."
And as he said it he felt a slight weight pushing the gun in his hand down and saw her grasping his hand. "I think there's been enough of that today." Kara whispered.
That made him angry, made him madder than hell. What about payback, Kara? What about justice? What about protecting the people I love from this thing that has already tried to destroy one of them?
Yet as he pushed her against the fence and glared at her, he saw something that looked remarkably out of place. He saw indebtedness and gratitude. And he started to put two and two together.
Maybe the only reason Kara was back with him was because the Cylon had helped her.
That was the only thing that kept him from killing it. Kara was alive because of it, so it would stay alive as well.
It wasn't that he didn't care about vengeance. He just didn't care about it any more than he cared about her.
The President had collapsed in the hall outside of the Commander's quarters. Lee could see the look of apprehension and concern on his father's face when his father told him.
And now he stood before the representatives from Sagitarron and Geminon, telling them that the President would be unable to make their meeting today.
"Why isn't she coming?" The woman from Geminon had asked.
"She has more pressing business to attend to." He replied coldly. He didn't need to explain anything to them.
"That figures." Zarek sneered. "You political idealists care so much about democracy and equality and consent of the people…..unless of course those people are from the lesser colonies."
Lee had almost shoved him against a bulkhead for that.
It wasn't that he didn't care about those things. He just didn't care about them any more than he cared about her.
"I'm out." Starbuck said as she folded her cards and moved to stand up.
"You okay?" He asked quietly, still sitting at the table.
"Yeah. I'm just tired. I'm gonna go to bed." She smiled a small smile and left.
He stayed another two rounds, then the nagging concern that he felt in his chest got the better of him and he folded as well.
When he opened the hatch he had hoped that he would find her sleeping soundly and peacefully in her rack. But that hadn't happened since she came back, so he didn't think it would happen today. Sure enough, he found her sitting on the edge of her bunk, knees hugged to her chest, looking at a random spot on the wall across from her.
"I thought you were gonna sleep?"
"I thought I was too." She whispered. "I'm certainly exhausted enough to sleep, sleep for days. It's just every time I close my eyes they snap back open again, and I'm terrified that I won't be here anymore, that I'll be back there instead. So I stay awake, to make sure that they don't come and get me."
He sat down next to her and gently pushed her shoulders until she was lying down beside him. "How 'bout you sleep, and I'll stay awake." He said taking her hand in his. "And I promise you, if they come back to get you, they'll have to go through me."
She didn't say anything, or nod, or make any other gesture of affirmation. She just moved over till her back was against the wall, and then pulled his hand down until he got the message and laid down next to her.
They stayed like that for a while. He felt her hand twitching where it was resting, curled up in the fabric of his shirt, and he heard terrified whimpers coming out of her throat. He did nothing, didn't wake her, didn't speak. He just moved the hair back from where it had fallen in her eyes.
He heard the commotion of the other pilots coming into the room, and he figured the card game was now over. He noticed that they had left the curtain on her rack open, but he made no effort to close it.
He noticed the faces of the other pilots as they walked by, some were startled, some smirked, some gave accusatory glances. Then Helo walked by and looked at the scene before him. Lee looked back and for once he had common ground with the rescued Raptor pilot: he knew what it was like to care about something above what other people thought. Helo gave a sad smile and closed the curtains.
Lee laid there and as he listened to Kara's finally subdued breathing, he wondered about how it would look. He wondered about impropriety and hypocrisy and setting a good example.
And it wasn't that he didn't care about any of those things, he just didn't care about them any more than he cared about her.
He sat alone in the President's office on Colonial One, going over the report that he had in front of him, wishing that his over-exhausted eyes would give him a break and focus already. Kara would be testing the auto-nav systems on the Blackbird this afternoon, and he would have rather been there, but the President needed him here, so here is where he would be.
He noticed her as she pulled the curtain back to come back into the room. "Have a good nap?" He smiled.
"Yes. I did." She smiled back as she sat at her desk. "Thank you for the suggestion."
"Well. You looked a little tired."
"I was. It was a good idea." She narrowed her eyes at him. "May I have your pen please?"
He looked at her, befuddled. "Is there something wrong with your pen?"
"No. But I want yours." She said holding out her hand.
He reluctantly obeyed. "Well what am I supposed to write with?" He let out a short laugh.
"You're not." She leaned forward. "I'm not the only one that needs sleep. You're going back to the Galactica."
He smirked. "I am?"
"Yes. And be a good boy and go now." She said looking back to the papers before her on her desk. "Because I seriously doubt that you want to wait for the reinforcements that I sent for to drag you off."
"Madam President, I don't think that now would be a good time to-.." He stopped as there was a knock on the door.
"Come in." The President called.
The door swung open and there stood Starbuck.
"Kara?" He said standing up to meet her. "What's wrong? Is there something wrong with the Blackbird?"
"Nope." She said smacking her lips. "Laura is just fine. Kingston is doing the auto-nav test."
"Kingston is? Have you lost your mind?"
"Years ago." She laughed. "But not about this."
"Why are you here?" He questioned softly.
"Well, the President here seems to think that you are about to collapse at any second. Is that right Ma'am?"
"Yes, Lt. Any second." The President smirked from behind him.
"And you'll forgive me, math was never my best subject, but I know that you haven't been in your rack since 15:30 the day before yesterday, which means you haven't slept for 44, 45…. Oh, 46 hours. Did I calculate that right, Madam President?"
"Yes, you did. You get a gold star." The President replied as she giggled. Kara just stood there smiling slyly.
"You think this is funny?" He said to both of them.
"No, Lee. We don't think it's funny at all. We can't have you running around like a chicken with its head cut off, because eventually you'll fall down and take everything and everyone around you down too. So I don't care if you go kicking and screaming, but you're getting on that shuttle with me and you are going to BED."
"But the report….."
"Can wait until tomorrow." The President finished for him.
"Come on." Kara said as she held out her hand.
And as he looked back and forth between the two of them he wondered why the President didn't care about the Water Distribution Report anymore, or why Starbuck suddenly didn't care about test-flights.
But as he took Kara's hand and let her drag him off he realized that they did still care about those things.
They just didn't care about them any more than they cared about him.
-finis