I finally posted it! A friend of mine and I wrote this while our school was doing "Footloose" last year. We were angry at our small parts and decided to parody "Footloose", which then expanded to "Everything Snows" afterward! I hope y'all enjoy it; it was fun writing it! Please Read and Review!
PS I do not own any of the characters, plot or music for this show. Don't sue me; I'm just a poor college student!
If you know the show already, you can skip this. Type the word "Victorian" into your CTRL+F to jump to the first act. Otherwise, read on for the
CAST LIST (order of appearance):
Chorus: All that and a bag of chips. Sorely underappreciated.
Moonface Martin: A gangster. Rather dim.
Bonnie: Moon's girlfriend. Cute and sassy, just like a gangster's moll oughta be.
Bishop: A bishop.
Chinese: Ching and Ling. Recent converts of the Bishop, though their "conversion" is rather questionable.
Reno Sweeney and her Angels: "Sexy" is really the best word to describe her character and her occupation. The Angels are her sexy wing-women.
Hope Harcourt: A debutante.
Mrs. Harcourt: Hope's mom. Kind of weird....
Evelyn Oakleigh: Hope's fiancee. British. Ditzy
Billy Crocker: All-American. Once dated Hope for about twelve hours. Works for a stockbroker.
Everything Snows!
(Chorus enters from audience in Victorian-style gowns and suits. They go up onstage and look around at the blank stage.)
Man 1:Where's the ship?
Woman 1:Yeah. I thought we're sailing to New York from this, our beloved England!
All:Pip pip, cheerio! (Whip out teacups and drink simultaneously, on cue)
Moon: (in 30's gangster outfit) Wow, I hope no one notices me in my totally unassuming 30's zoot suit in this, the great 1930's! (Looks around) Hey! Why aren't we all dressed in 30's outfits? What'd I miss?
Chorus:(grumble and look down at their inaccurate clothing. All slowly wander offstage, fuming at the absence of ship and costume error)
Bonnie:(enters carrying a violin case) Moonie! What're you doing here? If they catch you on the boat, they'll throw you in jail!
Moon:(gestures to empty stage) What boat? (deafening fog horn sounds) Oh, there it is. My ears are ringing!
Bonnie:(throws the violin case at him) Here! Quit goofing around and take the gun! You'd better hide before they find you!
Moon:Gah! Gun! No way! You take it! (tosses it back to Bonnie)
Bonnie:(throws it back) Nuh-uh! It's your gun! (the game of hot potato continues until the Bishop enters, dressed in full costume, like the Pope.)
Bishop:Hail, my children! God's blessings on all of you! (crosses himself. Bonnie and Moon stare open-mouthed)
Moon:Bonnie, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Bonnie:Dunno. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Moon:Maybe. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Bonnie:All right, that's enough of that crap! We're both thinkin' of jumping the priest and stealing his clothes!
Moon:Really? I was thinkin' of the gun. Here, you take it!
Bonnie:Shut up and jump him!
Moon:(takes the priest by the arm) Hey, how you doin' today? Say, I got somethin' to show ya. Omigod! Look over there!
Bishop:(freaking out) God! Where? Where? (Moon hits him on the head with a shoe. He passes out cold and Moon picks up his hat.)
Moon:Looks good on me, eh, Bonnie? I bet you ten cents this'll be the new gangster fad by next year!
Bonnie: Ten cents? Too rich for my blood. I could buy a car for that!
Moon:Your loss! (parades around like a model. Bonnie slaps her forehead)
Chinese:We are Chi-a-nese if you please! Where is the Bish?
Moon:Uh, right here!
Ching:You no Bish! You a fat ugly Bish wannabe.
Ling:Word!
Moon:Why, I oughta!
Bonnie:(grabs his arms) C'mon! Someone's coming! Let's go! (They exit as Moon makes a threatening gesture to the Chinese. They bow cluelessly.)
(Reno, Angels, and a gaggle of Reporters enter)
Reporter 1:Reno! I hear you're getting married! Is it true?
Reno:Hell, no! You think I'd get married with a body like mine? (shimmies and Reporters snap pictures)
Reporter 2:Reno! Reno! Pick me! Ooo-ooo! Pick me! (raises his hand and waves it frantically)
Reno:All right, you.
Reporter 2:Yippie! Okay, I hear you and your Angels are sluts. True or not?
Angels:(wiggle hips seductively)
Reno:(watches them) What do you think?
(Mrs. Harcourt, Hope, and Evelyn enter)
Hope: Mom, I can't wait to get to New York! I'm going shopping the minute we're off the boat!
Mrs. H:Honey, you already maxed out your cards. We're broke!
Evie:No problem, Mater! I've got enough for everybody! (takes out handfuls of credit cards and throws them like flowers) Free money for everyone!
Angel 1:You think he's rich?
Reno:With a name like Evelyn, what else could he be?
Angel 2:Poor?
Angel 3:Naïve?
Angel 4:Engaged?
Reno:Maybe, but I'm still attracted to him! Let's go find the bar and work on our game plan. (Angels go "Hoo!" and do the shoulder slam thing like football players and all exit)
Ching:You like what's going on?
Ling:No clue. Let's go find Bish. (exit, walking right past the Bishop's unconscious body on the floor)
Hope:So, Evie. I guess…we're engaged, huh?
Evie:Engaged! Oh, I love your wacky American slang! Hang on! (writes in a notebook) Today, Hope said "engaged"! Oh, gosh! It's so funny!
Hope: Anyway, wanna buy me a 30-karat engagement ring? I saw the cutest one at Tiffany's and…(freezes as Billy and Mr. Whitney enter)
Whitney:Billy! Get me 20,000 shares of Enron! It's gonna be big! Then get me my passport, my suitcase and a mocha latte!
Billy:Sir, what's a mocha latte?
Whitney:What's a…Dammit, you're fired! (stalks offstage) Where's the goddamn bar? I need to get smashed!
Billy: Oh. I'm fired…oh well! (throws pen and notebook in the air and frolics in a circle like a little girl)
Hope:(unfreezing) (aside) Who's that hottie over there? Oh, God! That's Billy…Billy…Billy What's-his-face! He's my true love! I know because I spent 12 hours in a taxicab with him once! Oh, man, this is a tough decision. (points to Evie) On one hand, I've got money. (points to Billy) On the other hand, I've got true, undying love! Oh, what's a girl to do?
Evie:A diamond ring? Cor, honey, I'll buy you thirty rings! What's $100,000 between fiancées? (laughs cheesily and exits with Mrs. H., who has been admiring her fur coat this entire time)
Hope:Billy! What are you doing here?
Billy:Well, I was working, but now I'm unemployed. Hey. Wanna get a taxicab with me? (rises eyebrows seductively)
Hope:Weeeeell,…(really thinking about it) Uh, I can't. My boat's leaving soon.
Billy:What boat? This is an empty stage! (Someone throws a life preserver on from offstage. It hits Billy on the head) oh, I see. (looks at the preserver) We ARE on a boat! How about that? Hey, I got an idea. I'll come with you!
Hope:No, Billy, that's a bad idea. There's…kind of something in the way.
Billy:What! You mean you don't love me anymore? What about all the good times we had? The taxicab! The…gorgeous nights in Bermuda!
Hope:Dude, I've never been to Bermuda. I've only known you for 12 hours! Total! And yet, I still know we were meant to be! (melodramatic) Oh, my love!
Billy:My heart! Kiss me!
Evie:(enters in a pirate costume) Hope, dear! Where are you? (Hope and Billy jump apart guiltily and Evie sees them) Ah, there you are! Come on, Hopie! There's a pirate party in the bar and we're chugging expensive champagne like it's water! (notices Billy for the first time) Here now, who's this charming lad?
Billy:I'm Billy What's-his-face. Who the hell are you?
Evie:Why, I'm Evelyn Whatchamacallit! Hope's fiancée! I say, would you care to join us at the pirate party? First 100 guests get a free peg leg! Argh! (exits with Hope following)
Billy:Hope! You'd rather marry Captain Pirate Dweeb with a girl's name than me? Why?
Hope:(desperately) But he's got money! Oh, Billy! I just don't know! (runs offstage crying hysterically)
Billy:Aw, man!
(Reno enters, wearing a pirate hat)
Reno:Hey, I know you! You're Billy What's-his-face! How the heck are ya, Billy?
Billy:Not so hot, Reno. My boss fired me, I have no money, and my girlfriend of 12 hours is marrying some rich dorkwad.
Reno:You mean that sexy British guy?
Billy:That's him.
Reno:Your girlfriend can't have him! He's mine! (mutters darkly to herself, then notices Billy is watching her warily. She beams brightly) Yeah, that's awful, Billy! Hey! I know exactly what'll cheer you up! How about a song? You sing first!
Billy:Aw, I don't wanna!
Reno:Sing, dammit!
"You're the Shiz"
Billy:I'm kind of a crappy singer, but you're making me sing, so don't blame me if I shatter all the glass on the staaaaaaage!
You're the shiz! I think you're way cooler than I am cuz I suck and you're the shiz! (they dance)
Reno:What's "the shiz"?
Billy:Beats me! (they dance)
Reno:You're really a godawful singer, but since you're flattering me, I'll be nice. Actually, I suck and you're the shiz! Not really, but let's pretend!
Both:I suck and you're the shiz!
(foghorn blows again)
Reno:Hey, Billy! Come with me! You can be my manager!
Billy:You mean your pimp?
Reno:Naw, I've already got one of those! Let's go!
(Chorus enters dressed in 1950's outfits: poodle skirts, leather jackets, and saddle shoes. All begin to dance)
Sailor 1:Hey, who's the dead guy? (pointing to Bish, still unconscious on the floor)
Bish:(wakes up) I'm not dead!
Sailor 2:No idea.
Bish:I'm the Bishop of the Church of St. Brunhilda!
Sailor 1:If he's dead, let's throw him over the side.
Bish:I'm not dead! Yet.
Sailor 2:Okay. (they pick him up and heave him over the "side of the ship", a.k.a. the pit)
Bish:(in the pit) I can't swim! Splutter splutter!
Sailor 3:Oh, you guys. That dude was still alive.
Sailors 1 &2:Oops.
3 Sailors:Oh, well. (Sailor 2 throws a life preserver into the pit and all join the crowd)
Chinese:(run to side of ship, look at each other and shrug)
Ling:Bish is gone. What now?
Ching:We on our own. (both do complicated high-five and run off to the bar)
"Bon Voyage"
Chorus:Time for Franglish!
Mrs. H.:Franglais!
Chorus:We're all sailing away on this nonexistent ship with a very real bar!
Mrs. H.:Le drink-stationne!
Chorus :So let's all get drunk and stuuuuuuuff!
Mrs. H.:Le tipsy!
Hope:Why is the chorus dressed like Grease?
Mrs. H.:L'inaccurate!
(Chorus glares daggers at the leads and stalk offstage mumbling about ways to kill the leads)(lights go black and come back up on a new scene)