Everything Snows – Act 1 (in case you've forgotten)

Scene 4

Bonnie:Moonie! Rise and shine!

Moon:Dammit, Bonnie! It's too early! What time is it?

1st Mate:Breakfast time.

Moon:Oo! Food! (jumps out of bed wearing footie pajamas with Tommy guns and black fedoras on them.)

1st Mate:Dude, you don't have to get out of bed for breakfast.

Moon:No freakin' way! That's amazing! Breakfast in bed! What kind of genius invented that! (jumps back into bed and hides under the covers like a little kid. The 1st Mate is seriously weirded out)

1st Mate: You look familiar. Like some gangster or something…

Moon: (quickly puts on the Bish's hat) No, I don't.

1st Mate:You're right, Father. My mistake.

Billy:(enters, his shirt and hair a mess) Oh, what a night!

Moon:Hey, where did you come from?

Billy:We're roommates, remember?

Moon:(assumes flashback position as other people in scene freeze and lights change colors) Hey, man! I don't know you, but you can room with my girlfriend and me!

Billy:Thanks! (lights go back to normal)

Moon:Oh, yeah! I remember now. (begins playing with his food as the 1st Mate excuses himself and bolts for safety)

Bonnie:Where were you, Billy? I waited all night!

Billy:I was in a lifeboat…uh…checking the…uh, safety stuff. Yeah, that's it!

Bonnie:So, are you a sailor? I love sailors. (bats eyelashes suggestively)

Billy:Nope.

Bonnie:(disappointed) Oh. I like preachers, too. Just not as much as sailors. I'm gonna go find one now. (runs offstage)

Billy:Do you hear something?

Moon:I don't hear anything.

Billy:My Billy senses are tingling! My ex-boss is next door! (sniffs air) I can feel it!

Moon:(checks next door) There's a drunk guy next door. Is your boss drunk?

Billy:If only I had gotten him a mocha thingamajig! He'll see me and know I'm not supposed to be here! Then he'll turn me in! I don't want to go to jail! (wails and sucks his thumb)

Moon:Jail…equals Kool-Aid! (shudders) Billy, would it help if I steal his glasses?

Billy:Yes.

Moon:All right, then. (goes into Whitney's room. Whitney is dressed in a pirate costume with patches over both eyes and a peg leg)

Whitney:Holy New York Stock Exchange, my head is pounding! That's the last time I mix vodka, Tequila, beer, amphetamines, Tic Tacs and orange juice!

Moon:What's going on, Mr. Stock Broker Guy?

Whitney:The name's Eli Whitney and I've got a massive hangover. My eyeballs feel like they're about to explode!

Moon:Aw, that's too bad. Say, do you have your glasses with you, by any chance?

Whitney:Yeah. Why? (points vaguely to them and knocks an expensive vase on the floor) Oops.

Moon:(snatches up the glasses and stomps them to shards)

Whitney:What was that?

Moon:Uh, a seagull. Yeah, that's it!

Whitney:Okay. It sounded like my glasses shattering into a thousand unrepairable pieces. But as long as it was just a seagull, okay. (stands up, then collapses into a painful heap on the floor) Oh, that's not good! (SFX: breaking glass)

Moon:Hey, I've got a great hangover cure; you want it?

Whitney:Yes! Hey, wait…aren't you the Bishop?

Moon:(defensively) Yeah, so?

Whitney:Never mind. What's the cure?

Moon:That'll be $50.

Whitney:(desperate) Anything you want!

Moon:Here it is: alcohol.

Whitney:What? But that just makes it worse!

Moon:No, listen! Whenever your head starts to hurt, just drink more until you can't feel the headache any more! Works like a charm every time!

Billy:(pokes head in) Did you get the glasses?

Whitney:Who's that? It sounds like that lazy punk, Billy What's-his-face that I fired yesterday. Boy, if I ever see that bum again, I'll kick his butt from here to Kazakhstan!

Moon:Naw, it's just the seagull.

Billy:Yep. I'm just a seagull. Wrawk!

Whitney:Okay! Off to the bar! (stands up again and falls out the window) Whoa! This ain't the bar! (wind and snow blow in, forming a large pile of snow on Whitney's floor)

Billy:Moon! What's going on? Why is it snowing outside?

Moon:Well, I was trying to turn the ship to the Caribbean, but I must have screwed up and turned the ship toward the Arctic instead. (talking to himself) I was sure that the Caribbean was south-north? Or was it far weestern? (glances at Billy apologetically) Sorry.

Billy:No, this is great! All I have to do is kill off Annabelle and…

Evie:(pokes head in through porthole) Evelyn, chaps! (exit)

Billy:Whatever, and then I just need to find a taxicab and Hope and I will live happily ever after until the end of time!

Moon:A taxicab? (shakes head. He doesn't get it) But what if the captain sees you and thinks you're Snake Eyes Johnson?

Billy:The captain's always drunk anyway. It'll be easy to hide from him and now that Whitney's gone…

Moon:What about the first mate?

Billy:Why would anyone think I'm Snake Eyes Johnson?

Moon:Umm…(Billy turns around to show a big hand-written sign on his back that says "I'm Snake Eyes Johnson! Kick me!" Several of the letters are backwards or written incorrectly, but you can still read it)

1st Mate:(entering randomly) Hey! You're Snake Eyes Johnson!

Billy:What? No!

1st Mate:I'll get you, Snake Eyes Johnson! (they run around the room in a circle as Moon sits on the bed and watches with amusement. He magically produces a bucket of popcorn)

Bonnie:Hey, I've got a disguise for you, Snake Eyes! I mean…Billy! (she plops a sailor hat on his head and both guys stop running)

1st Mate:Where'd he go! Where did that rapscallion go?

Billy:I think he went out in the hall.

1st Mate:Tally-ho! (runs away)

Moon:Wow, Bonnie, that disguise is great! Where'd you get it?

Bonnie:Oh, just from the sailor I was making dirty, dirty love with in the supply closet. (all laugh, then Moon stops)

Moon:Hey!